iamsofoolish80 Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 In December 2006, my ex-girlfriend told me that she needed space. Felt that she needed to find herself. Felt she no longer had a voice in our relationship and needed to find her identity. She said there was noone else... yada yada... long story short... I learned in January 2007 that left me for another guy who we both know. She didn't want to tell me anything and cried when I found out and apolgoized till kingdom come because she didn't want to hurt me... well guess what? she did! She told me she was confused! Didn't know what she wanted! Wasn't sure if she wanted to be with him. Anyway in February 2007, she told me the best decision was for us not to be together. This when she slept with him. Went away together on a trip. Introduced him to her family, etc. etc. Her family doesn't accept him. He is a low life! The guy doesn't work, smokes weed all day, has 2 sons he doesn't take care of from 2 different previous relationships and the girl is head over heels for him. She and I have had the opportunity to interact, and go out, etc. etc. during this time and she is confused. You can see it in her eyes. I've treated her with nothing more than respect since I learned about all of this and about her infidelity. Because I don't feel the need to treat anyone like ****. I've been in therapy dealing with the **** I was responsible for in our relationship! STRESS! ANXIETY! Learning to be a PARTNER in a relationship because I have a hard time giving anyone too much trust... and allowing everyone into my business... well, now you see why! Anyway, the latest, it is now May 2007, 5 months since she requested we break up. She and I are in the same circle of friends and we see each other at least once per month. We speak often via AIM and we communicate respectfully. But recently conversations have shifted. She says sometimes she regrets leaving me for him. But she is not sure what she wants. She says she misses me, loves me, is in love with me, but is afraid that if she returns we won't find that spark to keep us going. She says she is afraid to come back to me because we had problems we tried dealing with in the past and we could never deal with them and she doesn't see how things can be different! The point is that when she was with me, she felt needy and now that she is with him, since like i said, he is a low life, she feels needed for the first time and she is finding her worth through him. She has no motivation to do anything! She was into music and is not even singing a key! This guy had made her soooo many promises of what he will do with her career! YEAH RIGHT! Sit and wait! None of it has happened! Ok, so she and I had a coversation yesterday and she admitted that she gets the conversation she lacks with him from me and what she lacks from me with him. She is having her cake and eating it too! But she and I had not had sex since Dec. 06. We both felt it was only going to cause more harm. She says she is confused! Doenst' know if she's making the right decision by being with him! Doesn't know if she would make the right decision coming back to me! She just doesn't know **** right now! She is sooo confused! I recently ended up in the hopsital with anxiety, high blood pressure and stress due to all this mess I'm dealing with. She felt really bad, cried and apologized. I have decided that the best is for her and I not to be friends. She says she wants to be friends, I said I can't and she cried. I cannot be friends with her. Its not that I don't want to! I cannot! I cannot do it! It's driving me insane. Here she is ****ing some other guy and spending time with me and I cannot do it! I need to get away from her for my sanity! The problem is that I want her back so bad. We were together 7 years. We had a great relationship but in the last years things got rough due to some things I was experiencing and I pushed her away. Made her feel unappreciated and she found someone who "listens". This is all the guy does... "listen to her" he is pretty much a pair of ears and a d*ck for her and it seems like that is all she needed. Doesn't matter that he is not a provider. That he has no job! No life! No education! No financial stability! Just that he's nice and he listens. That is enough for her. I don't know what to think anymore! At this point, do you think if I leave her alone she will miss me and realize what she has given up on? Or do you think it will make them closer? Im afraid I will lose her 100%, even as a friend! We have met for lunch after a 3 week break of no contact and we bugged out so much! She was laughing, giggling and at one point started crying because she said she had not experienced this with me in over 1 year. Then from there, well, we got into a comfort zone as friends. It's just the classic case of having her cake and wanting to eat it too. And I cannot let this be. Because then she is not misisng anything! She has him and me! Although she and I do not share in intimacy! She was not the type of person to be running aorund screwing like a bunny! She's big on emotional companionship and that's what she's been getting from me. We talk about everything and anything and apparently she cannot do that with him. And I feel like such a herb because I'm making anotehr man a happy home because her life is great and dandy! She tells me she is stressed, depressed, full of guilt but that she's afraid to come back to me because WHAT IF things don't work out! I don't kow what to do!!! I'm going crazy! Anyone have advice! Please!
MagnoliaJane Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 If I were you I'd tell her that I need space to deal with all this turmoil. Then you withdraw and take some time to get the stress out of your system. Try to find some peace within yourself, and if you can be patient time will tell what will happen. But... keep this in mind. When you withdraw you have to do it with your mind set on it. You are right. She is having her cake and eating it too. Right now you are too available. Become unavailable. There is no magic formula or nothing that will guarantee the outcome you are desperately hoping for. You are under heavy stress and suffering from anxiety. This means you need to take some "you" time. Do this for yourself. You can't be in a relationship if you are under this amount of stress and pressure.
CaliGuy Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 As long as you remain emotionally available to her, she will have those needs met by you while she is sleeping with him. She chose to walk away, now she needs to deal with her choice. Pull away from her and go NC. If she really wanted to be with you, she'd BE with you right now and not him. But as long as you are feeding her emotional needs, being her confident and "buddy" she will not be attracted to you. Men who fall prey to being friends with someone they are in love with end up being shoved into the "friend" zone forever. As much as I think David DeAngelo is a "card" some of what he says is true. The minute you become her friend any and all chance of her becoming physically attracted to you is gone. She made this bed, make her sleep in it. Pull away now. Disappear from her life and let her see what she is missing. If anything will change her heart, a good long time away from you (months, not days or weeks) will be what is required.
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