Author marlena Posted May 24, 2007 Author Posted May 24, 2007 Technology, especially internet dating, facilitates the making of Players. If you're a single heterosexual middle-aged guy, with an income and even modest looks, the Net makes multiple hook-ups a breeze. The Net can make Players out of non-Players and make Players exponentially stronger. Dear dear Herzen, You've always been here for me, haven't you? I can't thank you enough! I so love your aptitude for expressing yourself with such clarity and accuracy. Yes, I couldn't agree more! Yes, the intenet is an infested ground of players or potential players merely because of it's incredible immediate access to easy hook-ups as you say particularly for middle -aged men who are handsome and finacially well off! The Net makes bad boys even worse because it increases the number of duped women. And sadly I think I might just fit that pathetic description! Still, I am not quite so sure! It is the constant emotional swaying and inabilty to sift through what is real and what isn't that plagues me! I never know if I am over reacting, blowing little things out of proportion and attaching too much importance to "little" things. It is in my nature to disect every tiny thing that occurs! But of course my inner voice is always there to hound me and keep me in check! The only thing I know for sure right know is that he has once again lied to me. He is a terrible liar and I can see right through him! Do I understand, Marlena, that this man whom you've been dating--the guy with the tiny testes and inability to get it up except while on the receiving end of a Hand Job--is a Player?! So he's leaving multiple women sexually frustrated and bemused by his tiny balls. Yes, dear friend! Unbelievable, isn't it? SOME BALLS, HUH? (pun intended of course). Where doew he get off doing this? It's perverted! Perhaps because of this he needs to dupe women on the net and have his ego continually stroked. Seriously though, I can't help thinking this! Perhaps he couldn't function sexually just with me? What is your take on this? what I don't understand is why he keeps saying he loves me and wants to be with me!! A player's infamous line, I assume! What a guy! Please girl, move on now. There's nothing left for you with this Player, not even pleasant memories. So sadly true, not even pleasant memories! This happened yesterday and I am feeling oh so badly!!! Thanks once again for being there through all this sickening drama!!! Don't give up on me!! You ahve been a great help!
Author marlena Posted May 24, 2007 Author Posted May 24, 2007 Herzen, I'm still caught up in the confusion and intensity of the last eight months! I am confident that soon, if I maintain my integrity and refuse to speak to him, I will aquire in hindsight 20/20 vision! Not that it will make me feel any better! In all probability, it will make me feel worse, for my dear friend, I am way too old to allow myself to be duped by such sleazy types! Will l ever grow up? Am I turning into a needy, desperate pathetic middle- aged woman? I look great for my age and people say I don't look a day over 43 and men find me attractive! What oh what is wrong with my inner pshyche? Why am I so easily duped? It is unforgivable at this age! I am well educated, speak three languages fluently, have a Masters Degree,am financially independent...and still I behave like an innocent child of ten!!! It's "I hate myself day"!
Herzen Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 My best guess is that this man is sexually dysfunctional with all women. For many women, however, his limpness not a deal breaker given the guy's charm and looks. The Net's "evil" is that it multiplies the harm done by bad people. In the old days, this guy would date 2 or 3 women at a time--leaving each to believe that she was the One. With the Net dating sites, a Player can act like a kid in a candy store and gorge himself on women in need of a relationship. Well, now you can move on, Marlena. Heal yourself, regain your equilibrium, dust yourself off and get back in the ring. I'm sure you'll find some lucky guy.
stillafool Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 I would definitely call a "player" someone who dates you while working on getting someone else. He is addicted to that "newly in love" feeling and the "chase". Most of the women I know who landed players were players themselves. He could not control them, they were never sitting around waiting, and basically were unavailable emotionally to the player. The player was so caught up in what she was doing he didn't want to play any longer.
Herzen Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 Herzen, I'm still caught up in the confusion and intensity of the last eight months! I am confident that soon, if I maintain my integrity and refuse to speak to him, I will aquire in hindsight 20/20 vision! Not that it will make me feel any better! In all probability, it will make me feel worse, for my dear friend, I am way too old to allow myself to be duped by such sleazy types! Will l ever grow up? Am I turning into a needy, desperate pathetic middle- aged woman? I look great for my age and people say I don't look a day over 43 and men find me attractive! What oh what is wrong with my inner pshyche? Why am I so easily duped? It is unforgivable at this age! I am well educated, speak three languages fluently, have a Masters Degree,am financially independent...and still I behave like an innocent child of ten!!! It's "I hate myself day"! You're easily duped because you're human. You're neither desperate nor pathetic. In matters of the Heart, we're all vulnerable. Those traits that make us the best that we can be also leave us susceptible to sociopathic , manipulative charmers. Our instinct is to trust those we care about. And when that trust is betrayed, it's devastating. Don't use this experience to draw broad conclusions about yourself.You acted honorably and stuck it out longer than you should have because you hoped that the relationship would endure. It didn't, but you will. Go out with friends and throw yourself into life. Avoid over-analysis and over-introspection.Neither will help all that much. Hugs, sweetie.
Author marlena Posted May 24, 2007 Author Posted May 24, 2007 Herzen, Hugs to you too! I wish you lived around the corner!!!
Author marlena Posted May 24, 2007 Author Posted May 24, 2007 1) This is NOT lame and it eliminates all the redundant game playing. "Society" might say that its lame. 2) How is it a BIG lie to tell a guy that you serious intentions with him? When I tell a guy this, I MEAN it. Southern T, This is exactly my sentiment! Any mature adult who knows what he is looking for would do away from the very start with any senseless games that younger people indulge in! Whether it be simply sex, a casual relationship or something more serious, he/she states his/her case early in the relationship! Any bonafide adult who respects himself/herself should be able to communicate on a direct, open, unihibited level. I have always upfront since I hit 40 have told my partners what I wanted in a relations....ranging from just sex to a casual relationshp to one with serious intent. I would expect any adult man to do the same .... but alas! It seems emotional maturity does not necessarily correlate to biological age! A hard lesson to learn!!
Author marlena Posted May 24, 2007 Author Posted May 24, 2007 My last post is an example of bad writing! No time to edit!! Just a refection of my sorry state of mind at the moment!
Herzen Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 Marlena, how did you learn of all your ex's profiles. Also, when you confronted him, what did he say? Did he try to dissuade you from leaving? I'm curious about how middle-aged Players act when they get caught. I hope you're starting to feel better.
Author marlena Posted May 25, 2007 Author Posted May 25, 2007 Herzen, No, I am not feeling better but thanks for asking. Actually, I'm feeling worse and as the minutes progress my anger and resentment are building momentum and I feel just about ready to implode. I am a highly emotional person which is something I detest about myself. I can't tell you how many times I have vowed to change but haven't been able to achieve this goal. I am dealing with a very manipulative man and I must with shame admit he has me under his influence. I want soooooooo to break away but so far haven't made much progress. That's why this sad and pathetic tale has dragged on for months. To answer your question yes he did use his powers to dissuade me! How does he do this? By making me feel I am the one in the wrong. I' m too emotional, I overeact, I'm immature and impulsive and destructive and contolling! He never is to blame! I registered on a dating site two years ago and never bothered to delete my profile though I hardly used it except to talk to a few friends in there. He suspected this. So he registered and sent me a message. I fell for it and replied. He then sent another message revealing his identity. I blew my top! I don't know if he knew it was me though in all likelihood he did as he knows all my favorite movies, songs etc... He says he knew it was me but did he really? Or did he just want to get on the site? Then, I found him on another site with the same exact nickname and a description that was totally him. He denied that it was him. He said he thinks there is nothing wrong with being on the sites. To him it was just a game, a past time. Well, if that isn't the definition of a player I don't know what is. I blew my top a second time as early on in the relationship we had both agreed to hide our profiles. He accused me of hypocrisy as I was still registered nn the other site . Then two nights ago he got an sms. We were talking over the phone and I heard the beep. I asked who it was and he said, some department store annoucing some kind of contest! At one a.m. Sure!! I hit the roof. The next day he admitted it was a woman that he had gone out with back in March when we had broken up. Now, I said it is May and we've been together for over a month. Why is she still sending messages at one a.m? I was hurt that he had lied and tried to undermine my intelligence. I was hurt that he tried to replace me so quickly. I was angry that he was still communicating with her. I admit I flew off the deep end! He said that it meant nothing and that I shouldn't throw it all away over a stupiod sms. He said that he doesn't answer but she keeps sending them...Major BS. This is a man who has lied to many times. His lies range from major to minor and he shifts between the two categories with remarkable ease! He called today and went on about how immature I am! He said he refuses to be cast onto moulds! That he will give into any controlling tactics! He is free to do what he wants. He said that he wanted to be with me but that I had to acquire some self- control and maturity (time to throw up again!) He said that after the things any other man would have told me to f*** off but here he was till talking to me trying to work things out. His idea of trying to work things out is having things done his own way. I could go on and on but I'll stop here as I don't want to wear out your patience! Why do I fall for these types? Why have I allowed him to get under my skin so much? Why am I allowing him to manipulate me? All this and no sex either. Srely I must be insane! Yes, they have the looks and the charm and are incredibly adept at manipulating people!!! Herzen, kisses for seeing me through this!
Herzen Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 Marlena, I honestly don't know which is worse: a Player who simply cheats or a Player who cheats, gets caught and yet blames the innocent victim. The first type is simply dishonest; while the second type is dishonest and malicious. He gets on his high horse because you react appropriately to his philandering! Please. That man does not deserve to be in any grown-up relationship: he's 56 going on 15. Peter Pan lives. Try to have a good weekend, Marlena. And whenever your thoughts turn to him, think of other things that make you happy and serene. And remember, he'll aways have embarrassingly small balls and he can barely get it up. He will never be a "catch" regardless of what you told yourself or what he tells himself. Pamper yourself. You deserve it. Big hugs.
Author marlena Posted May 25, 2007 Author Posted May 25, 2007 That man does not deserve to be in any grown-up relationship: he's 56 going on 15. Peter Pan lives. Try to have a good weekend, Marlena. And whenever your thoughts turn to him, think of other things that make you happy and serene. And remember, he'll aways have embarrassingly small balls and he can barely get it up. He will never be a "catch" regardless of what you told yourself or what he tells himself. Pamper yourself. You deserve it. Big hugs. Herzen, You are sooooooooooooooo incredibly sweet! Thanks a million for the belly - aching laugh you gave me! I am still bursting at the seams as I type! You are absolutely right! He will always have embarassingly small balls and a flag at half mast!!! Talk about carma, huh? "He will never be a "catch" regardless of what you told yourself or what he tells himself". Yes, I did consider him a catch at first! Tall, handsome, intense and so charming - a smooth operator for sure - Great voice singing Sinatra in my ears -- what a catch I foolishly thought!!! AND THEN When I discovered the problem I empathized - because that's just who I am - and thou lovemaking means the world to me - my humanitarian side took over (after the first shock) and I thought perhaps we can work around this - perhaps I can nuture him back to self- confidence and a sense of manhood - with some willingness on both sides -- but naturally it does take two to tango --- and then came the lies and then the manipulation and now the dawning realization that this man is pathetic - not said with cruel intention - perhaps pitiful is the more accurate term - Yes, he is Peter Pan and yet some and he spent one hour today trying to convince me that I am immature - which I know I am not - impulsive, hot- tempered when provoked immensely - but definitely not immature- I raised a daughter ( a lawyer today) all by myself and he walked out on his when she was only two -- plus two failed marriages and god only knows how many failed attempts at relationships - It seems that in order to make up for his sexual dysfunction he grew balls in other ways - defensive audacity and skillful manipulation of unsuspecting middle- aged women like myself LOL - a question of survival I might think - but still a very bad and unproductive approach to his problem - Herzen dear, I am working very hard on myself - I feel I am coming very close to a solution - I hope I am building up strength for what I know I must do - and you have been, dear friend, an important and valuable factor in all this process! Huge hugs to you too and I do wish you lived around the corner - we'd go for a drink or two!! Be well!
stillafool Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 Wow Marlena, what is it with these middle-aged players? I know one myself who is 54 and still playing as if he is 25. Of course it is everyone's fault but his that he is the way he is. Yes Peter Pan definitely lives.
Woggle Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 Middle aged players are probably men who have been through one or two bitter divorces and were burnt by women so they just decide to play the field. I see nothing wrong with it at all. Men like that have the upper hand in the dating world.
Herzen Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 Wow Marlena, what is it with these middle-aged players? I know one myself who is 54 and still playing as if he is 25. Of course it is everyone's fault but his that he is the way he is. Yes Peter Pan definitely lives. These Viagra-fueled middle-aged players have no idea how silly they often look to family, friends and others. Come on:Hugh Hefner's a joke! Regardless of how many young women these guys boink, they're still getting old.
Woggle Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 These Viagra-fueled middle-aged players have no idea how silly they often look to family, friends and others. Come on:Hugh Hefner's a joke! Regardless of how many young women these guys boink, they're still getting old. And most men would give their right arm to be Hugh Hefner. He is living the life every man wishes for.
Herzen Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 And most men would give their right arm to be Hugh Hefner. He is living the life every man wishes for. I agree when Hugh was in his 30's, 40's, 50's and even early 60's. The dude is 80, now, and he looks it. The women around him now look like bleached blonde private duty nurses, not lovers. Hell, they probably change his Depends and feed him soft food.
Woggle Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 I agree when Hugh was in his 30's, 40's, 50's and even early 60's. The dude is 80, now, and he looks it. The women around him now look like bleached blonde private duty nurses, not lovers. Hell, they probably change his Depends and feed him soft food. He can look back on his life and say that he truly lived.
Herzen Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 He can look back on his life and say that he truly lived. Good point, there. I'm not against middle-aged guys playing the field--I'm one. Just sometimes it looks funny especially when a 58 year old gets great sex from a 35 year old, marries her and is changing diapers at 60. He deserves it.
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