marlena Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 We've heard the word used a million times. But what exactly defines a "player"? What are some of the signs a girl should watch out for? What are their characteristics? Does a "player" ever stop "playing"? Just how dangerous are they?
Herzen Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 "Player" is a pejorative term spurned women use to criticize men for refusing to commit themselves exclusively to them. Often the "Player" is just not into the woman. Rather than fault herself or the relationship, however, she places the onus on the man as being constitutionally incapable of sustaining a monogamous relationship with anyone as opposed to just her. It's a defensive, ego-protection strategy to label someone who has rejected you a "Player." As for signs, that's difficult to say because the label is defensive and subjective. I'm sure other posters will come up with a list of traits, but there are as many different "Players" as there are men.
oppath Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 Good point. People are sometimes labeled players when they are not, they are just guys who, for whatever reason, didn't feel enough for the woman to commit to a longer term relationship. Now, there are guys who meet the stereotypical definition of player; the female equivalent would be serial dater I guess. Generally a player will lead a girl on and not be fully honest with her. He might know she is looking for a relationship, and he'll have no interest in that, but he'll date her knowing her hopes and desires, sleep with her a few times, and then move on to another girl. Sometimes this IS done with intent. but girls do it too.
Herzen Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 Good point. People are sometimes labeled players when they are not, they are just guys who, for whatever reason, didn't feel enough for the woman to commit to a longer term relationship. Now, there are guys who meet the stereotypical definition of player; the female equivalent would be serial dater I guess. Generally a player will lead a girl on and not be fully honest with her. He might know she is looking for a relationship, and he'll have no interest in that, but he'll date her knowing her hopes and desires, sleep with her a few times, and then move on to another girl. Sometimes this IS done with intent. but girls do it too. Your points are well made, too. A Player is someone who, by his actions, words or behavior, repeatedly leads reasonable women to believe that he's seriously intent in entering and maintaining an exclusive relationship with them but actually harbors no such intent. He promises them an exclusive relationship in exchange for sex, and once he gets his booty he's on to the next woman. A Player skillfully leverages the woman's interest in a relationship to his sexual advantage, and then exits. A true Player does this repeatedly with different women. True Players are dishonest, deceitful and almost sociopathic.
Yamaha Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 A player is someone who will put their own interests first and will not get emotionally involved in you. They will act like they really like you but it is an act to get what they desire ( thus the term player ). A player will not have an exclusive relationship but will be dating several people. A player might stay around for a time if they deem you a challenge and want the ego stroke of bedding you but generally they will move on if you don't give them what they want. Many players know what makes a good impression and they thrive on new relationships but their game is weak if it goes on for very long. They know you will catch on to them after a time so they aim to hit it early while they have your attention.
monkey00 Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 I think there's a very fine line between someone who dates multiple women (not just for the sex), and someone who picks up women just for the purpose to get laid. If you label the guy who openly dates to find a good match a player, then what do you call a woman who does the same, a slut? Anyway I think a lot of good guys get mislabeled 'player' all the time. The guy could be good-looking, excellent dresser, charming/charismatic and at the same time a good guy and still be mislabeled. I agree with the others, sometimes its just easier to label someone as a defense mechanism as a believable form of excuse for not taking the chance/risk in getting to know the person.
GregsBad Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 I agree with Herzen and Oppath I disagree with Yamaha In my opinion, lying and deceiving is what makes the difference. If a guy has to lie ... he doesn't have much game. A guy who is open and honest and sill gets lot's of action is an honorable boy slut. I guy who lies to girls to get his way is a player. A guy who wants to find ONLY miss right and won't date around til he's found his soul mate is a p*ssy. Me ... I believe it's important to NEVER lie. But there's no way I'm going celibate while I'm searching for her. And there's no way I'm going exclusive either, while I'm searching for her. Some of my dates have accused me of being a player. But I think it's because I didn't make any committments to them.
Herzen Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 I agree with Herzen and Oppath I disagree with Yamaha In my opinion, lying and deceiving is what makes the difference. If a guy has to lie ... he doesn't have much game. A guy who is open and honest and sill gets lot's of action is an honorable boy slut. I guy who lies to girls to get his way is a player. A guy who wants to find ONLY miss right and won't date around til he's found his soul mate is a p*ssy. Me ... I believe it's important to NEVER lie. But there's no way I'm going celibate while I'm searching for her. And there's no way I'm going exclusive either, while I'm searching for her. Some of my dates have accused me of being a player. But I think it's because I didn't make any committments to them. Good points. The mere refusal to be "exclusive" on the woman's command does not a true Player make. More is needed: namely, lies, deception, deceit and trickery. Otherwise, any guy who resists the command to be monogamous while dating is smeared with the "bad boy" label.
Woggle Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 A player is somebody that uses the opposite sex for their own selfish reasons without any feelings or regard for the other person. A player can be either gender as well.
Diamonds&Rust Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 At least where I went to high school, a player didn't have to be a ****ty person, it's just a fellow who's not looking for a relationship (as in "playing the field").
Author marlena Posted May 23, 2007 Author Posted May 23, 2007 Yes, I totally agree that the boundary line between someone who is "playing the field" in the sense that he /she is keeping his/her options open because of an unwillingness to commit (which is a right we all are free to exercise) is the honesty/deceit factor. I have always stressed this point to whomever I was dating at any given time. It is a question of misleading someone which is always condemnable. As long as I know what I'm up against, I can make exercise my free will and decide whether to stay or leave. There were times in my life when I absolutely had no desire to commit (after my divorce for instance) and I made that absolutely clear straight from the beginning. It was up to the other person then to exercise his own free will and decide whether he wanted to continue or not with me. It is a question of taking responsibilty for our own actions as well. Still, during other phases in my life, I would state my intent for a serious relationship right from the start. My next question is: How do you recognize a player right from the word go!! They seem to very good at subterfuge!!
DanielMadr Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 My next question is: How do you recognize a player right from the word go!! They seem to very good at subterfuge!! You cant. Because even if he is good looking, experienced in chatting up women etc. it doesnt mean he is a Player or even when he is it doesnt mean he will "play" aka use You. Maybe he will fall in love with you and settle down. And this is what those girls are hoping for even if he is telling them different. Only time will tell if he sticks around or not. Maximum you can do is to tell him you are not looking for Friend With Benefits or One Night Stand. If he is the honest Player he wont lead you on.
SouthernT Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 But there's no way I'm going celibate while I'm searching for her. And there's no way I'm going exclusive either, while I'm searching for her. So what happens when a guy is playing the field and dating around (NOT ready for something serious) BUT you end up meeting a girl that you could see yourself being serious with but your still not ready for something serious at the time for whatever reasons...(divorce, bad break-up)...what would your actions be with THAT particular girl that you CAN see yourself being exclusive with, but your just not ready? How do men handle a situation like that? Do you keep in touch but at arms length? What actions would you take so that the girl you are interested in doesnt label you as a "player"?
DanielMadr Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 So what happens when a guy is playing the field and dating around (NOT ready for something serious) BUT you end up meeting a girl that you could see yourself being serious with but your still not ready for something serious at the time for whatever reasons...(divorce, bad break-up)...what would your actions be with THAT particular girl that you CAN see yourself being exclusive with, but your just not ready? How do men handle a situation like that? Do you keep in touch but at arms length? What actions would you take so that the girl you are interested in doesnt label you as a "player"? Its very simple in most cases the guy drops the player attitude and is dumped Worring about "Do I look like a player to her" is sure way to hell too. What would be your advice to your question?
Herzen Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 You cant. Because even if he is good looking, experienced in chatting up women etc. it doesnt mean he is a Player or even when he is it doesnt mean he will "play" aka use You. Maybe he will fall in love with you and settle down. And this is what those girls are hoping for even if he is telling them different. Only time will tell if he sticks around or not. Maximum you can do is to tell him you are not looking for Friend With Benefits or One Night Stand. If he is the honest Player he wont lead you on. Well said.
SouthernT Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 Its very simple in most cases the guy drops the player attitude and is dumped Worring about "Do I look like a player to her" is sure way to hell too. What would be your advice to your question? I love you psychology based answers. (I have a Psych degree too.) I can only answer this question based on MYSELF. Me personally, if the oppurtunity presented it self to where I came across a man that I saw long term potential in, but wasnt ready for anything serious at the moment, then a would ask that he take things slow. Because while I may not be ready for something serious, theres no way I would miss out on the chance to get to know this guy and let things develop into something serious. (Provided that he and I are on the same page of course.)
SouthernT Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 Still, during other phases in my life, I would state my intent for a serious relationship right from the start. I agree with you here. That seems logical to women. But I think that guys are afraid that they will miss out on something bigger and better. So while they may want something serious with a girl, I think they are afraid to come out and say because they dont want to be held to it. So I think a guy might say to himself "I really like this girl and want something serious with her, but I'm not going to tell her yet because something better may come along" I dont know...that just my theory.
DanielMadr Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 I love you psychology based answers. (I have a Psych degree too.) I can only answer this question based on MYSELF. Me personally, if the oppurtunity presented it self to where I came across a man that I saw long term potential in, but wasnt ready for anything serious at the moment, then a would ask that he take things slow. Because while I may not be ready for something serious, theres no way I would miss out on the chance to get to know this guy and let things develop into something serious. (Provided that he and I are on the same page of course.) Thanks Anyway my question was more about "What would convince you that the guy is not a player with you." Because I think its impossible unless you give it some time.
SouthernT Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 "What would convince you that the guy is not a player with you." Because I think its impossible unless you give it some time. ok....I understand what you are saying. Can you expand on this some more? How does time show whether or not a guy is a player? Because there are some men that will stick around for however long it takes to get a girl in bed.....even without pressuring her. But that doesnt change the fact that all he wanted was sex from the jump. Make sense? To answer your question.... I think the only thing that would convince me is if he: 1) simply didnt lead me on in any way. Give me the truth at all times and let me decide for myself what my course of action will be. Let me decide if I want to stay or go. When a guy lies or is not up front about his intentions, it doesnt give the girl the choice to make an INFORMED decision on whether or not she wants to stick around. And THAT is what makes us women mad. 2) doesnt pressure me for sex. (even though we BOTH know that it will happen eventually) 3) if he follows through on his word. (in ANY aspect pertaining to ANYTHING.)
DanielMadr Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 ok....I understand what you are saying. Can you expand on this some more? How does time show whether or not a guy is a player? Because there are some men that will stick around for however long it takes to get a girl in bed.....even without pressuring her. But that doesnt change the fact that all he wanted was sex from the jump. Make sense? To answer your question.... I think the only thing that would convince me is if he: 1) simply didnt lead me on in any way. Give me the truth at all times and let me decide for myself what my course of action will be. Let me decide if I want to stay or go. When a guy lies or is not up front about his intentions, it doesnt give the girl the choice to make an INFORMED decision on whether or not she wants to stick around. And THAT is what makes us women mad. 2) doesnt pressure me for sex. (even though we BOTH know that it will happen eventually) 3) if he follows through on his word. (in ANY aspect pertaining to ANYTHING.) OK. Time? When he is sitting by your bad holding your hand when you are 99 years old, he is not a player That is what I meant. Only time reveals true Interest level, which of course can change due circumstances or behaviour of both. 1) Telling girl up front "I have serious intentions with you" sounds lame, is lame and it is BIG lie, b/c only time shows if she is the one. He cant possibly know up front. He can only know he is not interest but we are discussing the situation he is interested but she might have doubts about him being player. 2) Players and gentlemen wouldnt pressure you for sex. But I have to admit they may disappear one day to find more willing female. Unless you give him a BIG lie telling him you have serious intentions with him ,which you cant know by the time. 3) Yeah sure. Bottom line. You can tell if he is sleazy dirtbag from first moment. You can learn about his integrity by simple questions about everyday life (some basic psychology test questions). When he is not sleazy and have integrity there is chance he wont lead you on. And last resort, look him in the eyes to see how much interest he has aka trust your gut. You know even a guy who wants to have relationship generally can blow you of after few weeks. And guy who is frightened of commitment generally might be happy to jump into one with you.
SouthernT Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 1) Telling girl up front "I have serious intentions with you" sounds lame, is lame and it is BIG lie, b/c only time shows if she is the one. He cant possibly know up front. He can only know he is not interest but we are discussing the situation he is interested but she might have doubts about him being player. 2) Players and gentlemen wouldnt pressure you for sex. But I have to admit they may disappear one day to find more willing female. Unless you give him a BIG lie telling him you have serious intentions with him ,which you cant know by the time. 1) This is NOT lame and it eliminates all the redundant game playing. "Society" might say that its lame. 2) How is it a BIG lie to tell a guy that you serious intentions with him? When I tell a guy this, I MEAN it.
DanielMadr Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 1) This is NOT lame and it eliminates all the redundant game playing. "Society" might say that its lame. 2) How is it a BIG lie to tell a guy that you serious intentions with him? When I tell a guy this, I MEAN it. Its lame, because you cant say to someone you hardly know you have serious intentions with him/her. So you are either telling lies or you are needy/desperate. And why would you prove yourself. Its like going to grocery store and saying "Im not here to mug you".
Trialbyfire Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 I don't know if there is a way to tell a player. A player tends to be highly empathical but only if there's something in it for him. He will play to his audience, giving you what you want, in exchange for what he wants. At this point, a player might or might not show his hand. The 100m dash is one way that he put his cards on the table. The other worse way is to keep it going with you, while working on someone else. Neither one, two or three of you will know about the other(s).
Author marlena Posted May 24, 2007 Author Posted May 24, 2007 The other worse way is to keep it going with you, while working on someone else. Neither one, two or three of you will know about the other(s). Trialby fire I just discovered yesterday that that's precisely what he was doing. His excuse was that it was during a breakup. But this woman sms' ed him yesterday. Plus he has been acting strangely lately and of course being a woman I intuitively knew something was amiss. Profiles on the Net everywhere! Yes, a player will lie and cover up and have parellel relationships witha number of women while all the time he is telling you/them that you (all ten of you lol) are exclusive. (I think I need to throw up)! I have given this person so many second chances! (Need to throw up again)!
Herzen Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 Trialby fire I just discovered yesterday that that's precisely what he was doing. His excuse was that it was during a breakup. But this woman sms' ed him yesterday. Plus he has been acting strangely lately and of course being a woman I intuitively knew something was amiss. Profiles on the Net everywhere! Yes, a player will lie and cover up and have parellel relationships witha number of women while all the time he is telling you/them that you (all ten of you lol) are exclusive. (I think I need to throw up)! I have given this person so many second chances! (Need to throw up again)! Technology, especially internet dating, facilitates the making of Players. If you're a single heterosexual middle-aged guy, with an income and even modest looks, the Net makes multiple hook-ups a breeze. The Net can make Players out of non-Players and make Players exponentially stronger. The Net makes bad boys even worse because it increases the number of duped women. Do I understand, Marlena, that this man whom you've been dating--the guy with the tiny testes and inability to get it up except while on the receiving end of a Hand Job--is a Player?! So he's leaving multiple women sexually frustrated and bemused by his tiny balls. What a guy! Please girl, move on now. There's nothing left for you with this Player, not even pleasant memories.
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