BabyDucks Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 I think my man has an inferiority complex. Looking for advice on 2 things - 1, from what I describe, do you agree? and 2, what the heck am I supposed to do with this? We are both young professionals. I have a more advanced degree and made about 2X as much as he does. The only person who has ever brought this up is HIM! He's told me that "sometimes I make him feel unaccomplished" (after I got published recently and shared the news with him) and that he doesn't feel as if he's made it very far in life (after a deep conversation and a few drinks one night). I SERIOUSLY have never said or done anything to bring up these differences. I don't think it's fair to say that I "make him feel" any type of way because I want to share the fact that I'm happy about some achievement. I try to point out all of the things he's good at, compliment him, etc. etc. I have really looked hard at my behavior here and can't see any way that I'm "making him feel" anything. So, this past weekend, I was honored at a professional event for superior work. (We do completely different types of work by the way, he's a techie and I'm in social work/academia.) After the event, he was pretty snippy. I had to run home for something and he made a big deal about how it was a "HUGE inconvenience." A couple of my friends were there, and they brought this up later, saying it was really out of line the way he acted. Then we went golfing the next day (I had never played and he had promised to teach me) and he pretty much berated me for being "awful" until I told him in no uncertain terms that I was going to go home if he didn't stop. Does this sound like an inferiority complex? Is there anything I can do to make him feel more secure (I think the absolute world of him and wouldn't care if he was a freaking janitor)? Am I wrong to be a little miffed that he can't genuinely share in my happiness when I succeed in something?
shockandawed Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 Hey BabyDucks, It doesn't sound like an inferiority problem, it IS one! You don't mention how long you have been together or how serious you are. From your one post, I pick up on the following. You are a bright and somewhat ambitious person. He is not and is bitter and resentful to you for being one. Do you want to go through life walking on eggshells about your accomplishments with someone this insecure? What is so wonderful about him? Fill us in a little more on the background of the relationship.
Author BabyDucks Posted May 22, 2007 Author Posted May 22, 2007 Thanks for replying! We've been dating for about 5 months now, and it's starting to get serious. The relationship has been AWESOME with this one exception. He is truly a wonderful man, and our values and hobbies mesh beautifully. Which is why I am trying to resolve this somehow. He is just as bright as I am, but hasn't applied himself like me. I have basically killed myself for the past 5 years or so to make it to a place where I can be comfortable, both with my achievements and financially. He had a lot of fun instead, and hasn't made it as far professionally. But there are a lot of things about him - his entrepreneurism, his huge circle of friends, etc - that I lack because of the different path that I took. He's also 4 years older than me, so I imagine that makes it worse. I'm 24, he's 28. But yes, I definitely want this relationship to continue - this issue only rears its head once in a while. I just want to be able to share in my happiness when I do accomplish something, and not feel like I somehow did something wrong.
shockandawed Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 Ok... I can understand where a guy would have his ego on edge. You are younger and apparently have accomplished more in his eyes than he has. The relationship is still early enough that he is trying to impress you. Inside, he probably is afraid he isn't. Although it means nothing to you, I can see where he feels threatened by it. You value the differences you have. He brings you fun, friends and probably great times, but, he doesn't appreciate the differences you bring, structure, discipline, etc.. Seriously, if you both could appreciate this, you have the making for a great team. You keep him focused and he keeps you from being too serious and lets you live some. But, YOU BOTH have to appreciate the differences. He seems threatened by them. 5 months is sort of a crossroads point in a relationship. There has been enough time that there are feelings you don't want to lose (You), but it is still new enough where you feel you have to impress the other partner(Him). I would make a list of everything you like about him. List the differences he brings and how they positively affect your life. Let him understand that he has brought things to the relationship. But also let him know you need to feel appreciated as well and valued for what you bring. And of course, supported when you achieve. I would bring this up on a quiet evening, and in a non threatened way, don't start off attacking him for his lack of support. I have found after a nice dinner or romantic moment is the best time for these discussions. The defensive guards are down. If he understands he has value, he may be supportive. Good luck and keep us posted.
Krytellan Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 Hi BabyDucks, I am in a similar situation to your boyfriend on most counts. My gf makes 2x what I do and is more, well, driven I suppose than I am. I was difficult for me at first but I came to terms with it with some help of the LSers here The difference here seems to be the way he is behaving. He needs to put it aside if this is going to work. I chose to put it aside and after reading your post, I'm glad I did because I might have done what he does. Give him time to come to grips with it. The behavior, however, should be curtailed and if he continues then it reflects his character... and it's not attractive. He needs to take the high road or risk pushing you away. However, 2 things you said made me wonder a bit: 1. He is just as bright as I am, but hasn't applied himself like me I have to admit that I dont know the exact relationship context of this statement, but that sound slike a very "superior" thing to say. I dont know, do you emit this "superiorness" around him? 2. He had a lot of fun instead, and hasn't made it as far professionally Again, the same feel. Are you sure he just hasn't had the opportunity? Are you making him out to be instrumental in his lack of perceived success where you shouldn't. The first paragraph is my main point, but I have a hunch some of the other things may be a factor that you haven't realized.
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