Kathleen2260 Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 One of my best friends is a guy I"ve known for the last 14 years. We've been close friends ever since we met. We tried dating a long time ago but it didnt' work because we were such good friends. I can talk to him about anything and the bonus is that he and my SO went to school together and are friends too. So I hang out with him a lot when my SO isnt' around. I have issues with trust and guys being dishonest with me and my guy friend Sam knows this. He has never lied to me and I hold him to be one of the few guys left in this world that is honest. He started seeing a woman he works with and he didn't want a relationship with her, he just wanted to sleep with her in a FWB situation. Instead of lying to her, leading her on and such he actually told her his feelings and that he would never consider dating her but thought it would be fun to mess around on occassion. He was upfront with her (not saying this is noble or anything but at least he didn't lie to get into her pants) She agreed to this situation and its been going on for the last 6 months. Sam and I are very close friends, he often asks my advice on situations in his life and I can talk to him about anything. He tells me everything about his FWB woman and I do mean everything. Sometimes way too much info. He asks me to listen to the messages she leaves him (she is dramatic) and wants my opinion as a female. We also have a lot of fun hanging out together. Anyway I know that he lies to his FWB woman quite a lot. SHe is very controlling and wants him to spend all his free time with her. WHen he doesnt' agree to this she causes drama for days. She is 35 but acts about 16 at time (no offense to 16 yr olds) but she is very immature and has no concept of her behavior. She thinks Sam is controlling and angry when she is the one trying to control him and always angry at HIM. anyhow he lies to her about things and it sometimes makes me upset becasue I've been lied to by guys and I dont' appreciate my own friends doing it to women. but he has never cheated on her and in that regard I believe he wouldn't. But he does have a profile on a dating site (which she found out about and hit teh roof) and he has lied to her about where he goes. For instance he went to a weddign with me and my SO this weekend and lied to his FWB and told her he was house sitting for my parents. He also has an account on myspace and lied to her about that too. He says as long as he's not sleeping with someone else its none of her business what he does. While \I dont agree with that, she is NOT his girlfriend and she is the one who agreed to the FWB situation so I guess he doesn't owe her any loyalty or honesty. HOwever this past weekend I was very upset wtih him because I found out he lied to ME. We've been friends for 14 years and he's never lied to me. On thurs. he was supposed to come over and he was late and said it was because he was visiting his mom. Well I found out he was late because he was at FWB woman's house. I could care less where he is. I"m not his mother or his girlfriend so I have no interest in where he is. He could have told me he was at FWB house (he tells me any other time) and I would have asked how they were doing or maybe said nothing at all. But he concocted this whole story about how he was at his mother's seeing his sick grandma and he was late because he was taking care of his grandma. Why would someone do that? Its not like I would give him a hard time about being at FWB's house. I don't care what he does. And he shares every other detail of his interaction with her with me so why feel the need to lie to me about this time?? I was very hurt by his lie because i have been hurt/lied to by several men over the years and I thought my best friend was teh one guy I could trust. Also I don't want to be treated the same (with no respect) as he treats his FWB woman. I don't deserve that. Why would he do this? Its not as though I was going to make fun on him or be angry with him for being at FWB woman's house!! I could care less. I'd have the same reaction to him being at his mom's house to him being at FWB house. I'd just ask how they were and that would be it. Plus he's never been shy about sharing any info about FWB before. I mean he tells me everything so I don't know why suddenly he wants to hide the fact that he saw her. I"m not his girlfriend, nor his wife so why would I care? I don't understand why he lies to her all the time either. I mean he will tell her he likes her but behind her back, he's on a dating site, telling another girl he works with that she is his dream girl and he wants to date her, talking to other women and telling them he's single (though technically he IS) and other behavior. But why did he feel the need to lie to me, his friend?
norajane Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 He has never lied to me and I hold him to be one of the few guys left in this world that is honest. You may have to adjust your view of your friend as he appears to have taken to lying quite easily. He started seeing a woman he works with and he didn't want a relationship with her, he just wanted to sleep with her in a FWB situation. Instead of lying to her, leading her on and such he actually told her his feelings and that he would never consider dating her but thought it would be fun to mess around on occassion. He was upfront with her (not saying this is noble or anything but at least he didn't lie to get into her pants) She agreed to this situation and its been going on for the last 6 months. So far, so good. Anyway I know that he lies to his FWB woman quite a lot. SHe is very controlling and wants him to spend all his free time with her. WHen he doesnt' agree to this she causes drama for days. he lies to her about things but he has never cheated on her But he does have a profile on a dating site (which she found out about and hit teh roof) and he has lied to her about where he goes. For instance he went to a weddign with me and my SO this weekend and lied to his FWB and told her he was house sitting for my parents. He also has an account on myspace and lied to her about that too. He says as long as he's not sleeping with someone else its none of her business what he does. He shouldn't have to lie about where he's going and what he's doing. If she gets upset about it because her expectations are different from what he's willing to do, he should end his relationshp with her instead of using her 'drama' as a rationalization for lying. But he clearly wants to keep having sex with her, so he lies to avoid her anger and whatnot when he doesn't spend time with her. He is using her. HOwever this past weekend I was very upset wtih him because I found out he lied to ME. We've been friends for 14 years and he's never lied to me. On thurs. he was supposed to come over and he was late and said it was because he was visiting his mom he concocted this whole story about how he was at his mother's seeing his sick grandma and he was late because he was taking care of his grandma. Why would someone do that? That's his guilty conscience acting up. He probably thought you'd be upset that he was late, so he felt he'd better come up with a better story than he was late because he was too busy screwing his FWB. You might not have cared that he was with his FWB, but it is rude for him to just be late like that without calling to let you know... ...which brings you to your next point. Also I don't want to be treated the same (with no respect) as he treats his FWB woman. I don't deserve that. Why would he do this? Its not as though I was going to make fun on him or be angry with him for being at FWB woman's house!! I could care less. I'd have the same reaction to him being at his mom's house to him being at FWB house. But, see, you should be angry that he was late and didn't call and the reason was that he was with his FWB. Not because you're jealous of her or anything, but because it's RUDE and disrespectful to you. If his grandmother were sick and he was helping, it's far more understandable if he didn't get a minute to call and let you know he'd be late and find out if seeing you later would fit with your schedule. Instead, he just kept doing what he was doing (screwing) and figured he'd fit you in later. As his friend, you deserve more consideration than that. He's already got it into his head that lying to women is the best way to get away with whatever he wants to do. He probably lies to his mother and grandmother, too. And now he did something that he felt he had to lie to you about so you wouldn't be mad at him for being rude. I'm sorry, but your friend seems to have turned into a very selfish, self-serving man. And it should be difficult for you to trust what he tells you in the future. Make no mistake, people who lie, lie to everyone. They aren't scrupulously honest with a friend (you) and save their lies for everyone else - they lie to everyone.
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