Strange scenario repeating itself?

[shockandawed]

Hello all,

 

I have been doing the online thing for a few months with mixed results. Like everyone else, I have met liars, married women, ones who totally misprepresented themselves and some normal, decent ones. I really haven't had a shortage of dates. I only point that out to illustrate that the following is not a result of me jumping on the first thing that comes along.

 

I have experienced a similar situation twice and I am afraid it may be coming again. Basically, you get very caught up in someone and then they completely disappear after a couple of dates...and in both cases, they came across as more than just caught up in me.

 

First time, I met this girl online we'll call Kelly in March. We did the usual e-mails and then a phone call. Well, the first call lasted until 4AM. After that, we talked daily, always animated and fun, exchanged emails and texts, etc. She lived about an hour away and the first couple of weeks, things came up which prevented us from meeting. Well the attraction grew during that time. Shared all kinds of things about each other, etc..I really felt like I was getting involved with her and her family without having even met. She was the same, asking about certain things my kids were doing, calling them by name, etc..

 

Anyhow, we finally meet after about 3 weeks of the above. Of course I was nervous and expected this to be the potential ending spot. No, we had a great time, very relaxed. This was on a Friday. She called me that night, we talked for awhile as normal, same all weekend long and Monday. I was able to meet her again for dinner on Tuesday. She seemed very excited and even sent me a text that day telling me how much she was looking forward to seeing me. We ended up spending a few hours there, she brought pics of her kids prom, etc to share with me. Nothing I can think of went wrong that night. Gave her a goodnight kiss and she said she would call me when she got home. Never called..I tried her, no answer.. I tried to call her the next day, she sent a text that she was busy at work and would call later. Never did. I tried a couple of more times and never an answer. I finally called about a week later, left a message that I wasn't sure what had happened, but regardless, I thought we had shared enough together to be good friends if nothing else..never a return call. I have no idea what happened.

 

Fast forward a month or so, I have a few other dates, nothing much..then I meet a girl named Julie. She lives about 5 hours form here. At first, I was very apprehensive, but the more we shared, I started thinking she might be worth getting to know. Same scenario, we started phone calls and wow..non stop. Had a ton of things in common, etc..But unlike Kelly, Julie really cranked it up, almost freakingly. Within a couple of days, I was getting probably 4-5 emails a day, a few phone calls, etc...Always very pleasant but she would add little things, like I love how you make me feel, and just wanted to hear your voice again. I was a little spooked but honestly, loved the attention. After a couple of days, she even mailed me a hand written card to my house.

 

This went on for several days. As fate would have it, I had to go out of town on business for a couple of days. This trip was going to put me within a couple of hours of her. It would also be a weekend neither of us would have our kids. Needless to say, she was absolutely overjoyed at the prospect of me coming to see her. She sent numerous emails about things we could do, etc..And of course we talked several times a day.

 

Not to be presumptious and in case things didnt work out, I made a reservation at a hotel near her. We met on a Thursday night for dinner. She was quite a bit heavier than I had been led to believe, but still somewhat attractive. I decided that in this case, I was going to throw that out and explore her inner being. We had a nice time and she invited me back to her place. I stayed there until 1 or 2. The next day, she brought me a gift basket and we spent the day together exploring a touristy town near her. She was very affectionate the entire day. Saturday, we got together and went to a winery and had dinner. Again, very, very affectionate the entire time. At one point during our numerous communications, the topic of relocations came up. She lives in a very small town and told me should would move anywhere for the right person. During the day on Saturday, at some point I made the comment that it would be very difficult for her to move anywhere. Her mother was very dependent on her, her sister owns a flower shop a few blocks away and her sons father lives a few blocks away. Not to mention she has lived her entire life in this small town. She again stated she would go anywhere for the right person. That was all that was said about it. Again, the day progressed and she was very very affectionate the entire time.

 

I left early Sunday to return home. During the drive, I realized that between the distance and not being completely attracted to her, that this probably wouldn't work out. I was also concerned about her "needy" and "overboard" behavior. I really was waiting for the love word to get dropped that weekend. I agonized the entire time how to gently let her down without hurting her. I decided that I would be upfront and talk to her about the distance, etc.. and of course, my desire to remain friends, etc..we really had shared a lot of laughs etc..

 

Well Sunday night I called her, no answer. She never returned the call, very strange considering how clingy she had always been. Monday, same thing, I tried to call her, no answer or return. Now my curiosity is peaking, WTF????I tired again, same thing, never heard from her again....I know, this was my answer to letting her down, but I don't understand the complete 180. What if I had totally fallen for her and all the affection and stuff, I would have been devasted. Why would someone go so far out of her way and then just completely shut down? I finally call her at work to get an answer to what had happened? Why the sudden about face? Was it something I did? She wouldn't talk there but did send an email stating that I had made an observation about her willingness to relocate without really knowing her and that she didn't see any point of going farther. What???? Why not discuss that if I am so perfect for her in every way??Very strange!!

 

Now, a few weeks later and I am afraid the same may be happening again. I met a girl named Susan. We have talked every night and there have been no shortages of laughs, etc.. She is not as clingy or emotional as Julie, but very similar to Kelly. They even sound the same on the phone. Her work schedule has been crazy the last couple of weeks because of an impending audit, so we haven't been able to meet yet. But, she calls every night and we sometimes exchange a few emails each day. Like Kelly, I can see myself falling for someone like her. I am just afraid of the same thing happening again, great talks, etc.. and then just disappearing.

 

Not sure what is causing it. I don't think it is a physical thing because in both cases, we went out more than once. And as much as I had talked with both of them, I don't think it is anything about my personality. Kelly it bothered me because I was falling for her and was attracted to her. Julie just because I went from being the center of her universe to being completley ignored in a snap of a finger. It is really affecting my ego and self esteem. Has anyone else experienced anything similar to this?

[IWalkAlone]

Yes, it's called "dating women."

 

Women like to complain about guys who act like they like them, then stop calling with no explanation, but women are equally bad offenders. In fact, many women beleive that becoming non-responsive is more polite and more likely to spare feelings than saying "I don't think this will work out because..."

[serial muse]

Yes, it's called "dating women."

 

Women like to complain about guys who act like they like them, then stop calling with no explanation, but women are equally bad offenders. In fact, many women beleive that..."

 

blah blah blah yawn. not helpful.

 

Anyway. Yes, I've had a similar thing happen to me in the online dating world. A while back, a guy responded to my ad with incredible enthusiasm - wrote me the most exciting, fun, glowing introduction note, in which he really seemed to connect with what I had written, made me feel great, and seemed great himself...I felt an instant "wow." I was excited, but tried to be cautious. We exchanged several emails, and then moved onto calling. He called me every night for about a week (I'd have called him, but never got the chance!) and each phone call lasted a couple of hours. It was delightful, we seemed to have so much to say to each other.

 

Then we finally met, and had an amazing night - dinner, a long walk in the park, kissed gently in the moonlight, etc etc. We had a couple more dates over the next week or so, and then....he disappeared. Just stopped calling. I got a friendly, blank email eventually, but that was it. I was really hurt, but eventually I realized that's just how some people (PEOPLE, IWA) are, and it's part of the process.

 

The plus side is, while I understand your apprehension, shock, not everybody online is like that. I'm now dating someone I met online who has turned out to be delightfully normal. It does happen, really. But I'm sorry that you've had to go through some crappy experiences in the meantime.

[fray718]

Also I think sometimes coming on too strongly can be a red flag at times, not all the time, but you just have to use judgement. Best to take it slowly I think and get to know each other first before feeling like you are in love with them already after 2 weeks. That will also make the disappearing act less painful as well.

 

Thing is, two of my close friends got into great relationships with the first person they met online. I think it's a mix of luck, skills and judgment...with us being able to control our own skills and judgement.

 

As for me, well I fell for 3 guys from online....2 of them lasted only 2 dates (though I remain friends with one) and 1 of them lasted 6 weeks (he hurt me the most cuz he really pulled the disappearing act on me....read my post above). Now looking back, all 3 guys I lost because I didnt use my skills and judgement quite that well.

[serial muse]

Also I think sometimes coming on too strongly can be a red flag at times, not all the time, but you just have to use judgement. Best to take it slowly I think and get to know each other first before feeling like you are in love with them already after 2 weeks. That will also make the disappearing act less painful as well.

 

This is very true - and I will say that I think I learned my lesson! There are several things that distinguish online dating from in-person dating, and one of them is that I think it can sometimes create a premature sense of intimacy that makes it easy to move too quickly on an emotional level. It's easy to think you know someone from their words alone - and tantalizing to assume that that is the most important part anyway! - but the reality is that that is only one part of the recipe. There's no substitute for plain old taking your time.

[shockandawed]

Thanks so much for the replies, it's nice to see I am not the only one who has seen this.

 

Let me add I would never dismiss it strictly as a gender issue. I really try not to get going to fast and agree wholeheartedly about getting caught up in the conversations. It does seem to be the important part. Especially if after you meet it is still there.

 

It is obvious that Julie went too fast, which makes her abrupt disappearance all the more confusing. Kelly, I really thought the timing was slow if anything. It was probably 3 weeks of conversations, etc before finally meeting.

[serial muse]

Thanks so much for the replies, it's nice to see I am not the only one who has seen this.

 

Let me add I would never dismiss it strictly as a gender issue. I really try not to get going to fast and agree wholeheartedly about getting caught up in the conversations. It does seem to be the important part. Especially if after you meet it is still there.

 

It is obvious that Julie went too fast, which makes her abrupt disappearance all the more confusing. Kelly, I really thought the timing was slow if anything. It was probably 3 weeks of conversations, etc before finally meeting.

 

I hear you - and you know, while I agree with the earlier poster who said it's partially a learning process (I'm paraphrasing) of how to weed people out, I also think that you have to give yourself a break. You just can't always tell when someone's going to be a flake (at least, not after a few weeks). Some people hide it well, or sometimes there's just stuff going on that you're not privy to and you never will be. I know it sucks - I'm right there with you.

 

But there are good people in the world, and you'll find her! Susan isn't Kelly - now you just have to try to keep them separate in your mind, and not associate Susan with Kelly's mistakes. Good luck!

[jcster]

While I read your post, I couldn't help thinking that it might be an age thing. I know that the older I get (I'm 41) the less time and energy I'm willing/able to put into dating people. It might be that these women got caught up in the "passion" of the moment (you sound like a great, respectful guy) and then came plumeting back to earth after you removed your presence. The second thoughts start to kick in, and since they don't have any way to get out of it without hurting your feelings (in their mind) - they disappear. I have to admit, I've done it to people. It's a chickensh*t thing to do, but it's a lot simpler than having the talk.

[Road Rage]

It could be they were looking for a quick fling, sex and all, and you just weren`t going in that direction.

 

Most women are going to put up some pretense of a relationship right up front most of the time. Even if they are just looking for wild monkey sex.

[shockandawed]

While I read your post, I couldn't help thinking that it might be an age thing. I know that the older I get (I'm 41) the less time and energy I'm willing/able to put into dating people. It might be that these women got caught up in the "passion" of the moment (you sound like a great, respectful guy) and then came plumeting back to earth after you removed your presence. The second thoughts start to kick in, and since they don't have any way to get out of it without hurting your feelings (in their mind) - they disappear. I have to admit, I've done it to people. It's a chickensh*t thing to do, but it's a lot simpler than having the talk.

 

You could be right with that... I am 42 and both of these women were right at my age. I don't think so much with Kelly, but Julie probably expected some type of commitment from me. When I didn't give it to her, instead of messing around, she decided to quickly cut bait so she could try to immediately track another. She was so clingy, I couldn't understand the sudden about face, but I think you opened my eyes on that. She needs someone NOW!!

[shockandawed]

As far as the monkey sex....well not the case with Kelly, it was all I could do to get a goodnight kiss out of her. Julie on the other hand..........lets just say freaky....