smugsy Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 As I get closer to the end of my divorce process, the more I learn about how to make a marriage work. Life really is ironic that way. I also realize that had it been this way years ago, I wouldn't be getting divorced. I have a friend who is going through some serious relationship problems himself. He is not married (but has been in the past - his ex cheated on him). I pretty much am a sounding board for him right now. The more I listen to him though, the more I understand the right way to make a relationship work. If I can place one huge point of failure on myself for my marriage ending (because that affair) I would say that I never communicated with my husband. I never told him what bothered me, what I disliked, when he hurt me or said something I wish he hadn't. I always just let it sit inside my head. Then, one day I dropped the entire bomb on him. I remember the day, the location, even what I was wearing. It was that momentous for me. Another failing that I am dealing with with myself right now is not being understanding of his struggles with the marriage ending. I've dealt with it and moved it, what is taking him so long? Then, I realize it is because I dealt with it over the past 4 years, and for that time he has been quite happy going on with his life thinking his marriage was fine. If I had only just told him... I hear these exact same situations from my friend. His girlfriend did the exact same thing to him - just dumped it on him at once and then cut him off completely. Communication means not only listening but also speaking.
michael's_pain Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 As I get closer to the end of my divorce process, the more I learn about how to make a marriage work. Life really is ironic that way. I also realize that had it been this way years ago, I wouldn't be getting divorced. I have a friend who is going through some serious relationship problems himself. He is not married (but has been in the past - his ex cheated on him). I pretty much am a sounding board for him right now. The more I listen to him though, the more I understand the right way to make a relationship work. If I can place one huge point of failure on myself for my marriage ending (because that affair) I would say that I never communicated with my husband. I never told him what bothered me, what I disliked, when he hurt me or said something I wish he hadn't. I always just let it sit inside my head. Then, one day I dropped the entire bomb on him. I remember the day, the location, even what I was wearing. It was that momentous for me. Another failing that I am dealing with with myself right now is not being understanding of his struggles with the marriage ending. I've dealt with it and moved it, what is taking him so long? Then, I realize it is because I dealt with it over the past 4 years, and for that time he has been quite happy going on with his life thinking his marriage was fine. If I had only just told him... I hear these exact same situations from my friend. His girlfriend did the exact same thing to him - just dumped it on him at once and then cut him off completely. Communication means not only listening but also speaking. Smugsy, it just happened to me - check out my thread. I was blindsided and am still stunned at how quickly things turned. It all could have been avoided!
ilmw Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 As I get closer to the end of my divorce process, the more I learn about how to make a marriage work. Life really is ironic that way. I also realize that had it been this way years ago, I wouldn't be getting divorced. I have a friend who is going through some serious relationship problems himself. He is not married (but has been in the past - his ex cheated on him). I pretty much am a sounding board for him right now. The more I listen to him though, the more I understand the right way to make a relationship work. If I can place one huge point of failure on myself for my marriage ending (because that affair) I would say that I never communicated with my husband. I never told him what bothered me, what I disliked, when he hurt me or said something I wish he hadn't. I always just let it sit inside my head. Then, one day I dropped the entire bomb on him. I remember the day, the location, even what I was wearing. It was that momentous for me. Another failing that I am dealing with with myself right now is not being understanding of his struggles with the marriage ending. I've dealt with it and moved it, what is taking him so long? Then, I realize it is because I dealt with it over the past 4 years, and for that time he has been quite happy going on with his life thinking his marriage was fine. If I had only just told him... I hear these exact same situations from my friend. His girlfriend did the exact same thing to him - just dumped it on him at once and then cut him off completely. Communication means not only listening but also speaking. Hi... You are right on the money... I feel the same way... in that I also know how to make a marriage/relationship work...NOW. But it is to late for me... we are done.. and that is that. It was the same thing... communication... and understanding. Without them we have nothing.
PWSX3 Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 Thank you for your post Smugsy because I feel that is how all relationships end, one is way ahead of the other. I know my W had moved on months before I had & by the time she wanted the trail separation there is nothing I could do, her mind was made up & I'm setting there wondering what the heck just happened? At my old job my friend would come into work & talk trash about his W & I asked him; have you discussed these things with her? Have you let her know these things bother you & his answer was; no!!!!! I tried to explain to him that she can't read your mind just like you can't read her mind but I don't think it helped. I know for me now that my W has moved back in I am finding it hard to tell her how I feel because I'm afraid I'll say something wrong or I'll make her mad. The last time we saw our MC she told us that we need to talk, talk, talk, talk!!!:D so you are right, we need the communication before the one spouse has left the relationship & you are standing there wondering what happened.
Gunny376 Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 Yep! Why didn't you just tell me! I would have moved Heaven and Earth! I would've quit my be-loved Marine Corps career! Damnit! Why didn't you just tell me you weren't happy?
quiet1one1 Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 I dunno...I guess I agree..to a smaller degree. I took the time to communicate and be involved with my W. We went places, did things, had many great times together but in the end nothing was different from any of you...."I feel like I missed something". Is that communication? No, but we were far from disconnected emotionally. All I can say is that the wolves out there waiting for these f-ed up women to fall from the nest must be having a feast!
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