irishguy71 Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 Ok, so here goes....I have 2 beautiful girls 4 and 6, and a lovely wife whom I love dearly and I do not want to hurt her. The problem is.....I am not in love with her anymore. It's like she has no libido, after 8 years of marriage....there is hardly any sex, no passion, intimacy, romance, kissing, etc, etc. I need this! I am very romantic and passionate. I have felt this way for about a year and a half. I am depressed (on meds) and unhappily married. Whenever I talk about intimacy/sex/kissing, she always gets defensive. She has stated she will go to her doctor to talk about it, but she never has. She has also told me she will go to couples counseling, but she never has. I am fed up. She has never initiated sex or a kiss our whole marriage. Sometimes I think I got married for the wrong reasons. Life is too short for me not to be happy, but is it, when I have the girls, whom I love dearly. I am scared to get a divorce, #1 b/c I don't want to hurt my wife or have her make me feel guilty - which I know will happen, #2 b/c I don't think I will ever find another woman to share my life with, #3 b/c my girls will hate me for the rest of my life and on top of that, I won't see them everyday and watch them grow up. In addition, although she won't admit it, my wife likes to spend money. We have a nice house, cars, money, etc. I don't need all the material things in life, all I want is to be in love and be loved, ya know, have the butterfly's 24/7 - Am I asking for too much? How do I proceed? Should I seek professional counseling for myself? I have never cheated on her and I don't think it would be fair to do so. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
quankanne Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 counselling is always a good place to start, because it gives you the tools to communicate with your spouse as well as make changes you want to make in yourself. It may be a harder sell to get her into marriage counselling, but maybe the best thing to do is to be honest with her, tell her that you don't know how else to help your marriage, but you're not ready for divorce. If she realizes how YOU feel about your marriage, it may help spur her to be more proactive in keeping it alive.
mammax3 Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 If she won't go to counselling with you, then go by yourself. You're unhappy in the marriage, on meds for depression, but it doesn't sound like you've totally checked out yet. I'd make sure you've tried so you won't feel guilty about calling it off it nothing comes out of your attempts. Good luck. (I wish my H had tried harder before checking out, btw)
Adick Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 I am scared to get a divorce, #1 b/c I don't want to hurt my wife or have her make me feel guilty - which I know will happen, #2 b/c I don't think I will ever find another woman to share my life with, #3 b/c my girls will hate me for the rest of my life and on top of that, I won't see them everyday and watch them grow up. This is a mirror to my married life and divorce (cept I have three kids) Regarding your fears.....#1 she is making you feel guilty now asking for sex. Marraige is a two way street. You need to look out for you and being as young as you are, why waste the rest of your life when such a big chunk is missing #2 You will find other women for sure. It is up to you if you want them to share the rest of your life with you. I am divorced 7 years and not looking for a lifemate but have a great girlfriend who is ten times the sensual sexual loving dynamo that my ex wife ever was. #3 Don't sell your kids short. They can see and sense the frustration and the anger. They adapt very well. Be a father to them and they will love you just the same. You probably will not see them every day, but more and more people (like me) enter into a 50-50 arrangement for custody. My whole family, ex, me, and kids are much happier since the divorce. Now, that is not to say don't give it a shot. Talk to her and let her know how impolrtant it is to you and that you are thinking divorce. That may shock her. It may not. But if she does not know--point blank--that it is an issue, it will never change. It may never change in any event, but..... In my case, my ex lost the libido after the first kid. We had sex a handful of times and then she got pregnant with the second, and to be honest I think we had sex once or twice and the third came along. Once #3 was here, there was no nookie for Adick. THe surprising thing was that she found someone online that wove a good tale and ended up cheating. How ironic that she seeks someone for sex when I am at home literally begging for it. And I have been told I am good, so it is not a question of me being a dud in bed. Talk to her, let her know. Insist on counseling, and then if she does not change, seriously think about it. It was a difficult decision for me, had a few tough years for sure, but in the end it was all worth it. I am a bit poorer now and times can be tough, but all in all I am one happy camper!
Author irishguy71 Posted May 23, 2007 Author Posted May 23, 2007 It is very much appreciated. I am going to set up a counseling session for myself to seek professional help. Thanks again.
shineonu Posted May 28, 2007 Posted May 28, 2007 wow man. i'm facing the exact same problem right now! in fact, i think i'm going to start my own thread on it. It's so f'ing frusterating. and i'm at the end of my rope too and i have the exact same concerns as you're having.
Gunny376 Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 I'm beginning too believe that the best form of brith control ~ is a wedding cake!
anna13 Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 have you told your wife that if you dont have sex more regularly , you are going to consider divorse ? that might do the trick . also, are you addicted to sex? like you need it all the time 24/7 ? cause if that is the case ,i can see someone being not interested after a while. if you have a normal libido , it surely isn't something you can ignore. It isnt that you are leaving your wife because of no sex. . i mean it isnt the act itself it is the intimacy that you miss. the bonding . you should tell your wife very directly what the problem is and what will happen if it doesnt change or head in a better direction. it may hurt her feelings but it has to be said even if she doesnt want to hear it or not. maybe she knows your frustrated but she doesnt know how frustrated you are and maybe she doesnt know that you are considering ending the relationship seriously because of this.
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