nittygritty Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 Thank you nittygritty, for the marriagebuilders advice. I have already found some good and helpful information. Now I just need to figure out the best way to handle the confrontation that I know needs to take place. Your welcome, as for the confrontation... I would sit down with pen and pad and make yourself a "cheat sheet." Make a list of everything you want to cover. I would recommend you plan for your daughter to spend the night with a friend or family member on the day of the actual confrontation. You will know by his reaction during the conversation if he is being receptive or dismissive. You need to brace yourself for an emotional night. The Kickboxing may come in handy.
Author raincloud Posted May 22, 2007 Author Posted May 22, 2007 I agree completely with Trimmer. Action instead of reaction. Decide on your personal boundaries and tell him what you can and cannot live with. No arguing, no negotiations, statements about you and what YOU are willing to live with. Otherwise it will turn into every conversation you have had about the matter before. I wouldn't consider it a confrontation at all, just informing him of how YOU intend to handle the situation you have found yourself in. To do this though you have to be willing to go to plan B without hesitation. Don't bother until you are. I guess, confrontation was not the best choice of words. I completely agree that this could turn into every conversation we have had about the matter before. That is why this time I will plan and not react based on my emotional turmoil.
nittygritty Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 Definitely plan every detail. Your giving him an ultimatum. Make sure your in a calm, emotionally strong mood. Have the details of what you want written down. I would also recommend that you get some Professional Individual Counseling and see if he is willing to attend Marriage Counseling with you.
Author raincloud Posted May 22, 2007 Author Posted May 22, 2007 Let's hope your husband feels the same way, not only about himself being a father, but also making sure that HE doesn't blame you if a divorce happens. I hope he holds you in high reguard as a mother, like you do for him as a father to your child. Last thing you want is him saying to your daughter, "mommy is divorcing me because she doesn't want to be married to me anymore." You and your can put your child first, above the pain and resentment (if it gets to that point) and make sure she feels secure, safe and loved by both of you. I'm hoping divorce is not the way this will go, and who is to say how he will react if that is to happen. I can say as of now, he expects our daughter to treat me with the utmost respect. He is constantly telling her she has the best mommy ever - which yes, confuses me about his true feelings toward me, but in any case he doesn't allow her to treat me with disrespect.
smartgirl Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 As long as your husband continues to have contact with this woman he will be unable to think clearly. He is in the throes of addiction and would have to go at least a month NC to even begin to think straight. He also NEEDS therapy. The fact that his father divorced repeatedly offers some clues into the baggage he likely carries around with him. If he is genuinely conflicted, I would like to think that he would try therapy -- if not to save the marriage then at least to be the best parent he can be. I think your conversation with her was valuable to the extent that you now know she has no intention of bowing out. My H ultimately saw this type of action with his OW as an indicator that she cared nothing for what was right for him, only about what she was or wasn't getting. When he said he didn't want to leave me she kept telling him that the fact that he couldn't stop seeing her was proof that he really wanted to. He didn't know which end was up frankly. You have to exercise some tough love here. He can't stay with you if he is going to still see her. You will all be stuck in a quagmire with no end in sight. He either needs to assure you of no contact with her or move out. At that point, he might get closer to her for awhile. Make sure he is still coming over for dinner with you and daughter a couple of times a week -- just not sleeping there. The fact that he is so conflicted leads me to believe that after a couple of months max, he will be back home. He has gotten himself in deep. My H said he considered suicide on a number of occasions because it seemed like that was the only way to get out of the mess he had made. It sounds like you two both want this to work, but he just isn't in his right mind. Also - get After the Affair by Janet Abrahms-Springs. She covers a number of issues including baggage from childhood that I think will be helpful for you and your H. It would be great if you could read it together. We did and it really helped. Good luck and please keep us posted.
Ladyjane14 Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 You've had some really good advice so far. In fact, you might want to read that last post by Smartgirl a couple more times. I do agree that what these folks are telling you is the right way to go. Marital recovery is off the table for as long as this affair persists. Here's a link to Goodmom's earlier threads. Like you, she was having trouble establishing NC between the affair partners. Unfortunately, it looks like her marriage will be unrecoverable at this point. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/search.php?searchid=1756475 Eventually, a betrayed spouse kind of 'runs out of gas'. This isn't a situation where your energy is limitless. So, even though you might love your partner and WANT to accept him back... the window of opportunity is closing. It closes a little more with every hurt he dishes out to you. And he IS most definitely, willfully, hurting you. He KNOWS that you're suffering every time he contacts her. But he's still not willing to stop. Call it addiction. Call it confusion. The results are the same. Now, if he was walking up to you and punching you in the nose a couple of times a week... what would you do? Would you be hesitant to put a stop to it? What he's doing isn't all that much different. Emotionally, he's hurting you. You protect yourself, and your chances for marital recovery better when you disallow absorption of these hurts. IOW, allowing him to continue hurting you will eventually hurt him as well... because he's losing you.
Author raincloud Posted May 23, 2007 Author Posted May 23, 2007 You've had some really good advice so far. In fact, you might want to read that last post by Smartgirl a couple more times. Yes, I have received some very good advice. And I agree about Smartgirl's response, I have been thinking about it ever since I read it last night. Thanks.
dropdeadlegs Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 I don't have anything to add to the words of the wise ones posting before me. I am so sorry you are dealing with such pain and confusion. I hope this all works out to your advantage. Whatever happens, I feel assured that you will continue to be a good mother, and that is what is truly important.
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