Mialee Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 OK, I need some outside eyes to look at my situation, please. I am usually a good problem solver, but I feel helpless now and I don't think I am seeing everything clearly. I am in love with my best friend, who is married. We live in different cities. About a year and a half ago, when he and I were casual friends, he told me he and his wife were splitting up. He was devastated. I tried to listen to him and told a lot of dumb jokes, I just wanted to help him cope with his hurt and anger. I had recently gone through a breakup myself, and he had always been kind to me, so I thought I could help him in return. We had always had a lot in common, and we have the same sense of humor, so we began talking frequently. Eventually, we stopped talking only about our failed relationships and began talking about everything! One time during one of our conversations, he admitted that he had feelings for me that were more than the goofing-off friends we had always been. I was dumbfounded. I had no idea! Then I began thinking about how close we had become, and I realized how special he was to me. He told his wife that he wanted to meet me. She suggested I come for a visit (!!!), but the plans fell through as I was unable to get away at that time. Once she realized I was not coming, she asked my friend (I'll call him Dave) to see if they could try to work things out after all. He was skeptical, because she has broken her promises to him before, but he still loved her and wanted to try, especially for their kids' sake. They decided to re-evaluate after the holidays (about 6 months away). I was hurt, but I agreed that if they had a chance to work out their problems, he should stay. I wasn't surprised, because I know Dave to be an open and caring man, who really tries to do his best for everyone. I told him we would always be friends, but I needed to get over him before we could be happy-go-lucky buddies again. I backed away from him for close to a month, but he sent me a message that he missed me and was lonely. I agreed to be friends again, but kept a wall up in my heart to not let myself get hurt again. He could tell I was holding back from him, that I wasn't as open as I once was. Months went by, and he told me he is still very unhappy in his marriage, that they do not seem to be able to overcome their problems. His wife (I'll call her Linda) is also unhappy, but she felt it was because he wasn't trying hard enough to make it work. I believe she blamed it on his continuing friendship with me. Maybe that did play a factor, but I never tried to come between them. If he told me he was upset with her, I tried to show him her side, a woman's side. I tried to be like a sister to him, except I could never get him completely out of my heart. The holidays came and went, and he told me he was sure his marriage was over, it was just a matter of time before he moved out. I felt bad for them, but he didn't seem to hurt any more, he seemed calm and accepting. Two months ago, he said his feelings for me had not changed and he asked me to meet him. I agreed. Dave told Linda that he was going to meet me, he did not want to lie about anything. We spent a weekend together, which was an emotional roller coaster. On the one side, there was so much joy. He made me feel like the most wonderful, beautiful woman in the world. There was also a black cloud of fear over us because neither of us knew when we would be together again, he did not know when (or even if) he could move out. He did not want to hurt either Linda or me, and he said he felt torn because he couldn't think of a way to make everyone happy. He did not make me any promises, and I knew he wouldn't unless he were in a position to make them happen. He spoke to Linda several times over that weekend, but I do not know what they said. I knew over that weekend that I loved him, and that I had loved him for a long time, but I was not going to ask him for a relationship of any kind. Now it is two weeks since our meeting, and Dave told Linda that he cannot make things right between them. She told him that he cannot stay at their home. He was a wreck the last two days, because admitting that to her was harder and more painful than he expected it to be, even after all that has happened. At times he wanted me to talk to him and try to distract him, at other times he seemed to ignore me, even though he knew I was worried about him. I haven't been sleeping well and today I have not been able to eat, my stomach is in knots from hearing him so miserable. I would like to have hope (he asked Saturday if I would consider moving to be near him), but I know he was not thinking clearly at the time he said that. I talked to Dave this afternoon and he seemed better, he told me a funny story from work, but he kept asking me what was wrong. I couldn't tell him that I really need to know what is going to happen next. I feel guilty for needing him and his attention now, when I should be trying to understand what he is going through. Should I give him more space to sort out his feelings, even when he tries to contact me? Or should I be more available in case he needs my support? Is it possible that talking to me is making this worse for him? I know that I have been incredibly tense, trying to hold myself together, and obviously he can hear it in my voice. Just writing all this out has made me feel better. I know I have left a lot of things out, but I will answer questions if I can. Please help me sort myself out so I can help Dave. Thanks.
whichwayisup Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 You need to leave him alone and let him sort out his life. How can he try to get something going with you when he's still dealing with his wife??? He's being pulled in two different directions. If his marriage ends, and he gets a divorce THEN start seeing him again. Until then, go into NC (no contact) mode and use this time to heal yourself. You waiting for his marriage to fail, or for him to decide WHO he wants to be with (like a prize) is gonna suck for you. What if he decides in a month he wants his wife again and regrets leaving her? Even if he DOES leave, he's gonna need time to heal and be alone. It isn't right to jump out of a marriage and into another relationship so quickly, people need time to adjust and deal with emotions. You can't help him. Suggest that he seeks therapy or talks to a MALE friend. You have too much invested in the outcome of his marriage and his life....Even though you say you wouldn't intentionally get in the way, having the friendship with him IS interferring...I'm sure his wife feels that way, even if he can't see it that way. You can't be his shrink, or his friend.
Not_That_Innocent Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 As a friend, you need to forget about yourself and think about what you can do for him as a friend. I think you should back off the whole relationship thing, at least until he figures out what he wants to do with Linda. Doing so will be better for you in the long run anyway 'cause you don't want to end up in a relationship with him as the rebound gal, which sounds like it could happen since he seems so confused. Try to be a friend and forget about the relationship for a while. Help him stay as clear minded as possible. Just my two cents.
Author Mialee Posted May 23, 2007 Author Posted May 23, 2007 Thanks for the advice! So far I have pulled back from Dave, not completely because I do not want him to think I am angry with him, but I am not trying to contact him. When he has contacted me (tonight), I kept the conversation light... it seemed to help the tension between us. No more discussions about whether or not he is happy, I didn't say "You OK?" even once. I am also looking at what I need for myself right now, as I have been sick with worry and fear. I think I just need to enjoy more time with my other friends and not be available for him to call whenever he wants to dump on someone. I know I have been a good friend to him, maybe too good in some people's eyes, and I gave him a lot of my time and energy. I can use more time and energy in my job and with my family and friends. Do I still hope for a chance to have Dave to myself someday? Sure I do, but my hope is guarded. Honestly, the Dave I have seen in the last few days (excepting tonight's short conversation) is not the Dave that I know and love. I'm sure its because of the stress and hurt he is going through, but I feel hurt when he is cold to me. Although I know I should be understanding of his feelings, I do not need to open myself up to more hurt than I already have. If he feels about me like he says he does, he will return to his normal self once he makes his decisions about his life and let me know when he is ready for me to share that with him. If he doesn't, then I won't have wasted so much of my time and my heart on someone who can't love me back. I have been going through strong moments and weak ones, but I think the hills and valleys are getting less steep. Reading posts here about others' stories helps a lot! Thanks again!
frannie Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 Hello Mialee, I think you should do what's best for YOU and not worry about how it will affect him or future developments. I'm just thinking about that time when he had told you his feelings, you began to admit your own, and then you were let down. You asked for time and space because you'd become emotionally involved, but he contacted you because he 'missed you' and you ended up being his support/crutch. THIS could become a very bad habit and bad for you, as it already seems to have done. Someone contemplating or going through a divorce is in a messy place in all sorts of ways. And really, I know you want to be there 'for him' but that can't be at your expense... SO many times divorces start and stop and he moves out then he moves back and so on. You don't want to get into a position where he's using you as a crutch to leave, only to devalue, possibly blame (I see this is in the air, even if just from his wife?), and whatnot down the line. There's a book called 'Surviving Your Boyfriend's Divorce'... by Robyn someone or something (do a search on it, I haven't read it myself), which might help you untangle your thoughts and feelings and make your way through this. Since you haven't really had an affair as such I would say that keeping a distance while he goes through this process would be best for you and him, and perhaps lead to a more successful relationship in the future if that's what's on the cards. The one thing I'd say is that I'd watch out for him 'needing' a crutch, as his inability to stay away when you'd asked for space doesn't sound good... but perhaps that was as much on your part (wanting to help/be there for him) as it was his.
frannie Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 Do I still hope for a chance to have Dave to myself someday? Sure I do, but my hope is guarded. Honestly, the Dave I have seen in the last few days (excepting tonight's short conversation) is not the Dave that I know and love. I'm sure its because of the stress and hurt he is going through, but I feel hurt when he is cold to me. Although I know I should be understanding of his feelings, I do not need to open myself up to more hurt than I already have. If he feels about me like he says he does... How well do you know him..? Just realised that you didn't really say how you became 'best friends' with him... I'm just thinking that perhaps the 'Dave you know and love' isn't necessarily the 'real' Dave... Perhaps this Dave is closer to the one who didn't consider how he was affecting you not so long ago when he 'needed' someone. Just be careful not to ignore your gut when something doesn't seem right, and don't necessarily give people the benefit of the doubt when it may be at your own risk... Obviously ignore this if you know him like the back of your hand etc. etc.
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