crazy_grl Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 I've been seeing this guy now for 8 or 9 months or so, and I think I have to end it. I had told him at one point that whenever I've tried to have 'the relationship talk', I've always gotten shot down. Around 6 months ago, he asked where we were going. I told him I needed him to say what he wanted before I did, because I was afraid of his answer, and I couldn't handle hearing something I didn't want to hear. He wouldn't tell me. It was hard enough for me to just say that. You'd think a person could put two and two together and realize that I was afraid of getting shot down again. But as I found out later, he'd taken what I said to mean that I didn't want to talk about a relationship because I was dating other guys. He had assumed when I went out with male friends, that I was dating them also. That couldn't be farther from the truth. I haven't been dating anyone but him even though we're not 'official'. That's just one example of how he never seems to get what I'm saying and comes to negative conclusions about me. I'm tired of him always thinking the worst of me. I kept hoping I could change his mind, but I can't. I feel bad for him that he's been hurt, but I wasn't the one who hurt him. I've been pretty damn good to him. He hardly calls me anymore, and he won't hug me when I see him unless I initiate it. He won't kiss me at all anymore and won't explain why not. I like him, but I can't accept this. Don't get me wrong. He's a good guy. He's generally sweet. It just seems like he's trying to push me away, and I'm not going to make the mistake of trying to hold on like I have in the past. I don't know what my question is. I guess I'm looking for confirmation whether I'm doing the right thing or not. Thanks for reading.
Pyro Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 It seems to me that right from the get go there were communication problems between you two. No healthy relationship will last without great communication skills. Sounds like the damge has been done already so IMO it is better to count your losses now and move on.
johan Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 It's a shame you and he can't get past your insecurities to actually have the relationship you seem to have the potential for. I know it's tough, but have you and he actually discussed trying to get past the insecurities? You don't really have to discuss your relationship to do that. Just discuss what's in your way. You both seem to think the first solution is to not really talk, and the next solution is to give up on each other. I don't understand how you can date someone for 8 or 9 months and not be "official".
jcster Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 you'd think a person could put two and two together and realize that I was afraid of getting shot down again. Mindreading really is a lost art, isn't it? It sounds like you chickened out and then blamed him for not interpreting your intentions correctly. You can't make people guess what's going on! You have one chance to set this right, and that's to sit down and tell this guy exactly how you feel. If you can't do that, then it's over.
Takerslove Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 Did you tell him that you feel like he is pushing you away? Maybe some time apart might help and might really clear up what is going on. If you have to let him go for your own good. make sure he knows the truth about you and not all that negative he thinks about you. I am talking from experience there. Men just love to bad mouth after a bad break up.
Author crazy_grl Posted May 22, 2007 Author Posted May 22, 2007 It seems to me that right from the get go there were communication problems between you two. No healthy relationship will last without great communication skills. Sounds like the damge has been done already so IMO it is better to count your losses now and move on. I'm afraid you may be right. Thanks for responding, Rid.
Author crazy_grl Posted May 22, 2007 Author Posted May 22, 2007 Mindreading really is a lost art, isn't it? It sounds like you chickened out and then blamed him for not interpreting your intentions correctly. You can't make people guess what's going on! You have one chance to set this right, and that's to sit down and tell this guy exactly how you feel. If you can't do that, then it's over. That was just one example months ago. There have been many conversations that go nowhere. I know I'm not a great communicator verbally. I try, but things just don't come out right. So I don't blame him for not understanding, but I recognize that if 2 people don't understand each other, there's no point in going on. It's starts to feel like you're beating your head against a wall. Thanks, jcster.
Author crazy_grl Posted May 22, 2007 Author Posted May 22, 2007 It's a shame you and he can't get past your insecurities to actually have the relationship you seem to have the potential for. I know, but at the time he brought it up, I risk putting my heart out there and hearing "I like you and you're a really cool girl, but..." I wasn't strong enough at the time to hear that again and be ok with it. That's what I told him at the time, but somewhere between the way I said it and the way he heard it, he intrepretted it to mean I was dating other guys. I know it's tough, but have you and he actually discussed trying to get past the insecurities? I've tried to discuss that and a lot of other things. It doesn't seem to make a difference, and it usually leads to arguing because neither of us feel like the other is hearing what we're saying. I tried to talk to him again last night. It was mostly the exact same conversation we've had at least a couple times before. There did seem to be a little more progress, but I don't know if it's enough. We're supposed to talk later today. We'll see what happens. You don't really have to discuss your relationship to do that. Just discuss what's in your way. I've tried to discuss the relationship a couple times since then. The example I gave was just the very first time he brought it up, and I panicked. Since then, I've tried to tell him I want to have a relationship, but there's something wrong with the way we communicate because at the end of the conversation he concludes that we should spend less time together. You both seem to think the first solution is to not really talk, and the next solution is to give up on each other. I feel like we've talked things to death and it's getting us nowhere. We just go in circles. I don't understand how you can date someone for 8 or 9 months and not be "official". Welcome to my world. Thanks for the input, Johan. Helpful as usual.
Author crazy_grl Posted May 22, 2007 Author Posted May 22, 2007 Did you tell him that you feel like he is pushing you away? Yeah. I have. Maybe some time apart might help and might really clear up what is going on. If you have to let him go for your own good. Maybe. I don't know. make sure he knows the truth about you and not all that negative he thinks about you. I am talking from experience there. Men just love to bad mouth after a bad break up. I think on at least one level he does know. Thanks, Takerslove.
tanbark813 Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 I hope you see the irony in these two statements: I told him I needed him to say what he wanted before I did, because I was afraid of his answer, and I couldn't handle hearing something I didn't want to hear. That's just one example of how he never seems to get what I'm saying and comes to negative conclusions about me. If you want him to get what you're saying then you might try, you know, actually saying it. It's weird but it totally works.
D-Lish Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 I think you should try making your decision about whether to leave- NOT based on how you think he feels about you...but by how being with him makes you feel. It's always easier said than done... I understand that. Feelings can often cloud that rational part of us that screams "Leave". You've been together for almost 9 months, he won't make a definitive decision, and he isn't satisfying your physical and emotional needs. It's obvious those things make you feel miserable. I would lay your needs on the table to him once and for all. IF, he can't follow through with anything, then it might be time for you to walk. It's better to alone, than to be with a partner that makes you feel lonley. Good luck. D
Author crazy_grl Posted May 22, 2007 Author Posted May 22, 2007 If you want him to get what you're saying then you might try, you know, actually saying it. It's weird but it totally works. Tan, it's not like I just sat there and expected him to read my mind. You're right that I could have said I wanted a relationship. I wish I could have, but at the time I was too scared of being turned down. I needed hear from him what he wanted first. I told him exactly that. It's one thing for him to not understand what I was saying. All he had to do was ask for clarification. I didn't find out until months later that he made these negative assumptions about me. Yeah, part of it's my fault because I was too scared to say exactly what I wanted. But I did the best I could at that time and I can't control what people assume about me when they don't ask for clarification of what I mean. Ya know?
Author crazy_grl Posted May 22, 2007 Author Posted May 22, 2007 I think you should try making your decision about whether to leave- NOT based on how you think he feels about you...but by how being with him makes you feel. You're right, and that's what I'm trying to base my decision on. It's just hard because you know how good that person did make you feel... and sometimes still does. You've been together for almost 9 months, he won't make a definitive decision, and he isn't satisfying your physical and emotional needs. It's obvious those things make you feel miserable. I would lay your needs on the table to him once and for all. IF, he can't follow through with anything, then it might be time for you to walk. I talked to him over lunch. He doesn't want a relationship. I've gotta say that can't disagree with his reasons. Reason 1 is because we argue a lot. From my point of view, the arguing comes from my feeling insecure that he doesn't want a relationship with me. I told him that, but I can't just expect him to go, "well in that case, let's go for it". That'd be foolish of him. Reason 2 is that he doesn't feel good about his life right now. He said he can't make someone else happy if he's not happy with himself. He's absolutely right. I've said almost the same thing before myself. And as much as I want to make him happy and wish that me just being there was enough, I can't and it's not. He left it up to me whether we still spend time with each other, but as I've said to others, you can't be friends with someone you have feelings for. So, I don't think that's a good idea. I'd like to be there for him, because he's feeling down about his life right now, but it's likely to just make things worse.
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