ab30 Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 So I've been dumped yet again. I'm starting to notice a little pattern here but alas this one has truely confused me! This time I got dumped over the phone at 7am! Nice work. It came out of the blue and I have no idea how the hell it happened. He was unable to give me any logical or proper reasons for it - each thing he said was later contradicted either by me or himself. What gets me is that there was no indication of a break up before it happened. I'm paranoid at the best of times (have mastered keeping my random thoughts to myself though) and not even I had picked up on anything bad. Even now, there is nothing to pin point. Within the past 2 weeks, I have been told, either in person or by text how much I am loved by him, how wonderful I am and how he can see himself spending the rest of his life with me. Not really the usual behaviour of someone thinking that the relationship is doomed and is wanting to get out of it. Without wanting to do an essay, I'll give you some idea of our relationship. We starting dating properly just after Christmas. Within a few weeks we'd begun to see each other fairly regularly but hadn't yet become an item. The weekend it looked likely to happen, I lost my Father. I expected him to run a mile - after all - he barely knew me and its a hell of a thing for someone to take on. Instead he embraced the situation and went way beyond what I and anyone else expected. I had some of the most romantic moments of my life within those few weeks. Perhaps hightend by the tragic events going on elsewhere in my life. The weeks rolled by and we fell in love. He told me that I was the person he'd been searching for and I felt the same. We both have the same wants in a relationship and even discussed how our future together may play out. It was him that would normally start these conversations and I was always appreciative when he did. the last few weeks he's been very busy with work. He's changing jobs and to him that is an enormous thing to do. His career is very important to him. This meant we couldn't spend a huge amount of time together but that was fine. As soon as he started his new job, he'd be spending more time at mine as the travel is better. As I mentioned. In the last week he's been affectionate and supportive. He seemed excited at staying at mine more and we were planning a holiday together in the summer. The night before the break up (his last day at his job) he called me. I'd been texting and calling but he wasn't returning my calls. Basically he'd been working late and didn't have time and so called as soon as he could. He'd gone out with a work mate. I wasn't having a great night as I was missing my father. He was so concerned for me and said that I wasn't to sort anymore things out until I saw him on sunday, where he'd help me do the rest. He later text to say he was sorry he wasn't there and that he was thinking of me. The next time I heard from him he was sat in his car. It was around 4am and he was clearly a little drunk. The phone cut off mid conversation. I was then awoken at 6:30am whereby he told me he'd been thinking and had decided it was over. I tried to find out why, but there wasn't any real reason. I asked him to come over later as he couldn't do this on the phone, but he wouldn't. He said he knew if he saw me that he'd change his mind. We both ended up crying but nothing seemed to go anywhere. We got cut off before we said goodbye and I've not heard from him since. I've been good and not tried to make contact. I felt that he needed saturday to recover from his night out and thought he may make contact on sunday. however, i've had nothing. I don't know what to do with this one. Nobody can make sense of it and nobody is sure how i should play it. He's away with his new job till Wednesday, so I know he won't be in a position to think about us before then. I think my options are: 1: keep as I am. Dont make contact and hope that once his mad week has settled he'll realise what a rash decision he's made/or i'll never hear from him. 2: Make contact on weds. (I) enquire how his new job is (ii) say we need to talk 3: get a mutual friend to find out what's going on 4: i contact his friend for advice (really don't think that'll be clever) 5: email and explain a few things either way, he and I need to discuss things or at the very least meet to exchange keys and belongings. I'll need to do this soon as I'm in the process of moving. I'd love to hear your thoughts and ideas on this. None of us have a clue and as you can imagine, this is so hard for me with everything else that's happend this year. Sorry for the massive post, but I think it's easier to make comments when you have a better picture of the relationship. Thanks everyone
GiveAndTake Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 I'll offer my theory. My guess would be that he got overwhelmed. It sounds like he is a care-taker and you were/are going through tough times. It was perfect until he had the career change. To many men, the importance of their career is equal to the top 10 things combined from our important-list as women. I think that a change like that for him was too difficult especially having to assist you that evening with your feelings about your dad. Not that it's your fault at all. It's just that he may have needed a shoulder to cry on that day and he knew that he would be helping you instead. He just didn't have it in him. He got drunk and bailed out. My guess would be that he will recover and want to be with you again unless the shame of hurting you is too much to face. It's likely he doesn't even know why he bailed. He just knew he needed to jump. So, the shame will be his obstacle. Just a theory but it's a possibility.
Author ab30 Posted May 23, 2007 Author Posted May 23, 2007 Thank you so much for replying. As you all know, these situations hurt like hell and I'm climbing the walls trying to work out what's best to do. I think you've hit the nail on the head. Its the theory that several friends have now suggested. His job is so important to him and I know he was concerned about whether he was doing the right thing. When you combine that stress with the level of work he had to do before leaving, then yes, it no doubt became too much for him. He has said to me before and during the phone call, that on his most selfish level, he wants someone to look after him. He was ashamed to say it, but at least he was honest on that level. In our situation, he probably felt that my problems were far greater then his own, and therefore couldn't come to me for that shoulder. In his head that would suggest I wasn't the one who could look after him. I'm still giving him space, and we all know what a challenge that one is. I just think he needs that time to settle into his new job (on his first day he's had to travel with them till Weds evening) and then he may find he's able to take stock of the decision he made. If he feels bad (he cried on the phone, so I know he does) he may well be too scared to get in contact. So perhaps it will have to me that makes that first move.
konfuzd Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 He called you while he was drunk, then ended it in a few hours. My guess would be, while drunk, he either hooked up with someone else, felt guilty and instead of manning up to his behavior just decided to end the relationship, or maybe he just got a taste of freedom of being out with his buddies, and not thinking about a gf back home. Either way, he sounds too immature for a real relationship. The fact that he was calling you from his car while drunk shows that he is also irresponsible. Is that someone you want in your life?
Author ab30 Posted May 24, 2007 Author Posted May 24, 2007 Thanks for your reply. Seems a lot of people on here can't figure it out, or else my essay was far too long to read. Just want to start by saying He wasn't drink driving. He lives in a small flat so he didnt want to wake his flatmate up by chatting on the phone. There was never an issue with him going out with his friends etc, so I know that's not the reason, but i think it's connected in a way with the fact he was out whilst I was having a bad night and he couldn't be there for me. As for anyone else. Maybe I guess. There's always a chance whenever your partner goes out without you that something could happen, but I strongly believe this wasn't the case. I'm being told by friends that I should make contact by the weekend. Nobody can really understand this and I certainly can't.
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