ash519 Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 So- I just turned 25!!! AUGH! Anyway..here goes...As some of you know I am totally working on my insecurities and trust issues, I am getting better but then of course I "what if" myself to craziness but tend to keep myself under control. It's hard ya know. So here it is... I have been with my bf 2 years and we have been living together for a bit over 1. I want to have a more adult approach to my relationship. My bf is about to get a job he deserves so much that will include a very large salary increase, but also include travel. I am a tad jealous, I want to make more money too. I am a tad insecure. I am not telling him this at all. I love him and this is so great for him and he deserves and wants this. I sometimes get this feeling he wont need me as much because I tend to manage the bills and money and help him out when he needs to borrow to get his car fixed or something, anything. I do want this for him too. On top of that I realize I cant stop him from being in a band ( i show support and have never ever said "I dont want u in a band) and I cant stop his personality and wanting to go out and drink or go to parties every so often. I cant make all his single/irresponsible friends suddenly be committed and resposible. I want to be able to handle all this as an adult would. I am partially there...but not quite all the way yet. What have some of you (any age really) learned with time. I want to hear some wisdom. PS...I dont want him to not be in the band, it is just time consuming and it sometimes makes me insecure, but I am getting better with it as every day goes by!
directx Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 I wouldn't want him in a band only because band members get so much 'trim' its not funny. Its like sex heaven. And all the other band members have a 'don't rat out the other member' so you never get a straight answer. It's total cheat city. There is even a special name for women that hang around band members. Forgot what it is though. I wish my partner made more money than me. I wouldnt let this bother me unless he is the type to hang it over your head. I think you moved in too early, but thats my opinion. Everybodys different.
Author ash519 Posted May 21, 2007 Author Posted May 21, 2007 Hey Direct! Well, that is a great name for you because you are direct. I guess that isnt what I was looking for although I value your opinion for what it is...your opinion. My bf is in a rock band but they arent those guys. They are pretty much all in relationships and us gf's tend to go to the shows and they dont run around flirting with the girls, although they may talk to them sometimes. Those girls you are talking of are groupies/band sluts. They dont have too many but I do know that my bf is very happy with me. I guess I lucked out due to these facts. As for moving in to soon...we had been friends for a good 2 years before starting to date and it actually has been really good. It is nice that we know eachother completely and we are ourselves and learn eachothers habits. Living together for us, has proven to be a smart move. But again- I do value your opion. Thanks!
directx Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 Thats good! At least you are at the shows! I would maintain a close relationship with the GF's to keep the band members honest. No, you shouldnt stop him from being in a band, you have no right and its not fair to him. If you want wisdom, I would strongly recommend you keep your finances separate. Helping him out is ok, but make sure he pays you back. Don't let his dream interefere with your working career. You are obviously concerned about who makes what, but its not fair to you to restrict yourself for him, so make sure you do everything to advance your career as well. You are not married so you need to do as best you can in the working world, because if he leaves you would have stunted your career for nothing.
Poboy Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 i dont understand what are you looking for . your bf is going to get this job and start contributing financially. you seem to have many issues rather than him in the realtionship from your post. as you said , you are working on yourself which is good so you are being an adult in this. trust him and let him be and if he loves you , you have no problems . love him more and work on yourself .
jcster Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 Issues of insecurity and envy crop up in any relationship, no matter what age the people are. We just (tend) to get better at hiding, rationalizing or otherwise shoving it under the carpet as we get older. It helps if you work on your self-esteem. If you see yourself as a great partner and an awesome and beautiful person, then envy and insecurity will fly right out the window.
alphamale Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 well ASH519 all you need to do is get him to the altar. Once married you can have total control over every aspect of this life. Sounds to me like that is what you desire.
Takerslove Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 Talk to him tell him what you think. Make sure you make it clear you positive and negative about the things you are trying to tell him... use a lot of 'I feel" statements. About the band you are right... you can't control his friends, but trust and commitment on his part does a lot for the relationship. So, make sure he knows what you are worried about.
Krytellan Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 well ASH519 all you need to do is get him to the altar. Once married you can have total control over every aspect of this life. Sounds to me like that is what you desire. Stop being so crabby Ash, I can relate to the money thing you mentioned. Take it from me, you simply need to get over it. Money is not the foundation of love and if he's a good person it would have no effect on your relationship. And you are right in not bringing up your insecurities about it. There's no good that can come from you talking about feeling insecure about the money. As far as the band, I can't imagine that his new job will mesh well with a band, but time will tell. Sooner or later, most of us grow out of the band thing. It took me until 28 to grow out of it. As for your "adult world" thing. That's a fallacy. There really is no such thing. It's just this image that we conjure up to represent the next step. You are living an adult life with adult responsibilities and adult issues. Enjoy the now and stop worrying about what's next or you may never really be able to be happy.
DanielMadr Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 P.O.V.??? Prisoner Of War? Nice Yoda also said: "Fear leads to Anger. Anger leads to Hate. Hate leads to suffering." So dont be afraid unless you love to be to be angry and suffer. For another Geek advice consult your local geek community.
Author ash519 Posted May 22, 2007 Author Posted May 22, 2007 Thanks for all your replies...i cant believe i am saying this but we broke up last night. He has a lot of pent up anger towards me due to my insecurities so when I asked him yesterday if he would start trying to put his laundry away (since i do it and fold it...and tend to put it away) he gave me this look, it hurt me a bit and I walked away. I went back in the apartment and put my stuff away. He came back in super pissed and went out. I called him at 11:30pm and he said "You know 2 people are supposed to compliment eachother, not complicate eachother." It was awful, he said awful things to me. I told him to move out today...is that wrong? I love him too much to look at him everyday. He called me a B*tch and an A hole for it...i had to...i feel so empty! I love this jerk!
Art_Critic Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 It was awful, he said awful things to me. I told him to move out today...is that wrong? I love him too much to look at him everyday. He called me a B*tch and an A hole for it...i had to...i feel so empty! I love this jerk! It sounds to me that you guys had a blow up that can be worked out if you just sit down and tell what is on each others mind.. On a side note.. I wanted to point this out: Men who genuinely love and respect their SO never seek out the low blow tactic of calling their SO a bitch.. or even demeaning names like as**ole. I have been mad as all get out at my past SO's before and have never once ever called any of them a bitch or any other names for that matter.. Sorry you are fighting with him.. maybe give it some time and call him.. that is if you want to work it out with him...
Krytellan Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 On a side note.. I wanted to point this out: Men who genuinely love and respect their SO never seek out the low blow tactic of calling their SO a bitch.. or even demeaning names like as**ole. Agreed. The thought of calling my gf one of those names makes me want to get sick. I could never do it. So I agree that someone who could say those things (ahem... my ex-wife) either has a serious anger management problem or simply doesn't respect you.
Star Gazer Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 P.O.V.??? Prisoner Of War? Nice No, silly. War starts with a "W" not a "V." Point of View.
Recommended Posts