staystronggirl Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 Here's my story and back story: I was stationed in Korea from Feb of 05 to Feb of 06. In March of 05 I met a MM. The attraction was instant. The last man I fell in love with was married with 2 children but I found out he was M when his W found out about me. NBut that's another story. . Anyway I had never gotten involved (willingly) with a MM up to this point. So although we spent a lot of time together, as I was his softball team's manager, we didn't become intimate for about 2 months. I struggled but ultimately I gave in to my impulses and all the reasons why people cheat. Let me add that his wife and two small children were in the states. So my MM and I pretended that we were "dating" and in a "relationship". I believed his lies that he was only married for the children and he even hinted that they had an open marriage. I believed what I wanted to believe until I found an anniversary card from her, and her desperate, true love for him was written in every word. That was my wake up call. I cut off relations with him for almost 2 months. It sounds so pathetic but it was really hard for me, because I was in love. But I knew it was the right thing. So in Feb 06 I moved to Germany and deployed shortly thereafter....I came back to Germany in Sep 06 and guess who was in my unit waiting for me? That's right. Except now he has W and kids in tow. That's fine, I told myself...I'm strong and things are different now that he's here w/family. Let me just say, in my defense, that since I found that letter, he has actively pursued me, not respecting my wishes to be left alone...not that I protest too much. But he also turns a deaf ear, actually I think he gets off on seeing how hard it is for me to do the right thing.
TogetherForever Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 Just after reading your post, I would do the same if my man's so called wife told ME that she was still desparately in love with her husband. Wether he wanted to or not, he'd be out & on his own.
Author staystronggirl Posted May 21, 2007 Author Posted May 21, 2007 I submitted accidentally. I was planning on doing a lot of editing before posting but there goes that! Anyway, so my MM has not made it easy on me, even w/ his family here. Three weeks ago, when his W and kids and oh by the way his mother-in-law who lives with them, all were at EuroDisney no less, he scammed his way on a trip to Amsterdam with about 10 of us. Somehow he weaseled his way into MY hotel room. We cuddled but I ended up getting really upset. I made him take me to his house. I looked at his bedroom, his kid's rooms etc. Last weekend, I went to one of his softball games. I sat 4 feet from his family. I had to leave. He said to me today, "It was good to see you at the softball field, reminded me of old times." I am heartsick about the whole thing. I cannot start back in a relationship with him, but somehow I can't disconnect myself completely. The truth is that I'm still in love with him. He's in love with me too, but he'll never leave his wife. I know that. So how do I move on? This is mostly a rant, so thanks for getting this far. Any advice or similar stories or even harsh criticisms are appreciated
serial muse Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 Your login name is perfect - please, do stay strong. Try if you can to think about who this man really is - he is hurting so many people, and ultimately, he clearly cares most about getting what he wants - not about your feelings, nor about hers. He will not leave you, nor will he leave his wife. Is this man really worthy of your love (let alone hers, which she expresses so deeply and trustingly?). He is a cake-eater of the worst sort. Please believe in yourself and stay strong; you made a strong choice already, so you know you have it in you.
Author staystronggirl Posted May 21, 2007 Author Posted May 21, 2007 thanks, serial muse. I hope I can, but why, after almost a year, am I still struggling? I thought that I was over it and ready to move on. I thought that once I get over him, I'll be able to start my real life. I thought it would be like every other failed relationship I had where I just wake up one day, shake myself off and wonder what I was thinking. I am so afraid that I'm gonna slip again. It's like now that I've actually seen and met his wife and family, and they're not some paragons of perfection (she told me "my kids are brats" and she's right) I'm letting that hate monster sneak back into my head and tell me that it's OK, because he's really not happy. That's so wrong, but it's true. I'm slipping off the ledge.
BurriedAlive Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 I think the only way that you will be able to move on is to go NC. I have been in NC for two weeks now and it is getting much better. You have the power! Be strong. If I can do it, ANYONE can!
Onelife Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 I know exactly how you feel. It's been several months since we are apart. And I am still no where getting over him. We still talk almost everyday except weekends. I know the whole family, in fact his W used to be my best friend (well after she found out about me for sure we cannot continue). I want badly to do the right thing but like you said the monster in me slips back and forward. I am trying to end it though. I guess things like this if you are not experienced it yourself, it will be hard to understand.
greengoddess Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 Onelife how could you do that to your bestfriend? How could you help tear up a family when you knew the kids? How do you look in the mirror every day knowing what you put her and her kids through?
Author staystronggirl Posted May 22, 2007 Author Posted May 22, 2007 Wow greengoddess, thanks for the input, we all really appreciate it. I never thought that I was hurting anyone! I didn't title this "the guilt..." because I CAN'T look myself in the mirror! Your insightful and unique critiques really put me on the straight and narrow! Wow, I'm cured!!! I don't need to do any growing as a person or self examination because you clarified it all for me! Thanks a million! Now get bent. You don't belong here.
Onelife Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 I would like to thank you too Greengoddess. I've been struggling for so long to let go of this situation. Believe me it hurts me all along in this R. Your comment helps me see the light I've needed. I have the answer now.
whichwayisup Posted May 26, 2007 Posted May 26, 2007 he has actively pursued me, not respecting my wishes to be left alone...not that I protest too much. But he also turns a deaf ear, actually I think he gets off on seeing how hard it is for me to do the right thing. And he senses that in you, your weakness to him. He knows you aren't strong enough to tell him no and goodbye forever...Don't let him push your buttons. If you really want it over, do all that is necessary (like seeking therapy to help you through this), do no contact with him and in the process make your own closure.
Tomcat33 Posted May 26, 2007 Posted May 26, 2007 Staystrongirl I just read your post and understand what you are saying. I am going to focus mainly on what attracted me to this thread, your used of the word "guilt" When we put our hand on a hot stove there are nerve endings beneath our skin that send a message to the brain that harm is near, in turn it sends a signal back to us in the form of pain. It's a defense mechanism that our bodies use to warn us from danger otherwise we would burn the whole hand off. I like to look at guilt as the nerve ending of the soul. It's a warning sign that something isn't right. To stay in a state of guilt is like putting a bandaid on the soul. So the question is do you listen to the warning sign and make a change or do you proceed until you get burned? You asked how you move on? You just have to set your mind to it and in baby steps if need be let time heal your wound, I know it feels insurmountable right now, the feelings are still fresh you miss him already, you still love him. But as the days go by an you regain some of your self back, some of your clarity the days become easier and the pain slowly becomes reason. As soon as you gain some clarity things will become easier because you will be proceeding to act with your head as opposed to acting with your heart. Right now you need to let your head guide you and your heart is totally overpowering it. If you are in no contact with him it's the best thing you can do to help you heal. Even if it means you will contact him again in a month or two or whatever but it's crucial to break the connection now cold turkey if you want to move on. But you must be ready to do it, you must be ready to see the guilt as a warning sign and not as the emotion that helps you cope with your wrong doings. Sometimes we use guilt as a form of redemption from our wrong doings but the only redemption is in our actions. So you have two options you can either accept your situation for what it is and learn to live with it in a way that you won't have to feel guilt, ie. you assume the role of the OW and you try to enjoy it for what it is, or you get out for good. But continuing as is with no significant change either way will always set off your soul's alarm, you will always feel the guilt. I hope that whatever road you choose you find inner peace, you have to take care of yourself. I'm sorry for your pain, I know how hard it is.
Recommended Posts