Trialbyfire Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 Your comments no longer have the power to hurt me. It might have hurt me a few months ago but....letting go is wonderful. My ex is currently under a bus, his life ruined by his own hand and I'm living a lifestyle that I'm happy with, surrounded by friends and family I love and wide open skies for future relationships. I'm lightly dating two men who are completely okay with the setup because there's nothing beyond enjoying each other's company. Who knows who might change my mind about living the single lifestyle.
annabelle75 Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 You know what? whatever you meant by that...it doesn't matter because I know this much. No matter how much the relationship hurt with my ex, and believe me that rel. was very painful for me in every way. I know that the pain I felt is nothing in comparisson to what a spouse feels the day they find out the love of their life, the person they vowed to love and charish infront of all the closests friends and family, has just finished ridiculing them ifront of all those people to be fully emotionally and physically enganged with another human being. That pain has got to the be the worst it's beyond me HOW you recover from something like that. Unless of course you are too afraid to be alone then I can see why you would stay with someone who has done that to you. well said you pretty much summed up what I wanted say. only i wasn't going to say it as nicely.
NoOneKnows Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 I think we need to calm down here. Tomcat - you're gonna stroke out. Take a breather.
Trialbyfire Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 Forgive me but I'm about to say something snotty ........... ........ never mind. I'm not goign to lower myself to personal attacks. If you think that anyone is jealous that your cheating M stayed with you, you are wrong. Wrong again...
Impudent Oyster Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 That was quite the rant Tomcat, so much anger. I almost feel guilty that my husband and I are happily recovered and planning an elaborate trip to celebrate our upcoming milestone anniversary. Almost, but I don't. I'm sure you hate to hear that an affair is not necessarily the death of a marriage, and can sometimes be a wake-up call for what, and who, is really important.
annabelle75 Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 Wrong again... Not knowing your exact story, I can only try to interpret your comments to the best of my ability. You stated he threw his OW under the bus because you told him to and then said "Where is your man?" I have in the past found your posts to be constructive, but not in this case. "Where's your man?" was out of line.
NoOneKnows Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 That was quite the rant Tomcat, so much anger. I almost feel guilty that my husband and I are happily recovered and planning an elaborate trip to celebrate our upcoming milestone anniversary. Almost, but I don't. I'm sure you hate to hear that an affair is not necessarily the death of a marriage, and can sometimes be a wake-up call for what, and who, is really important. And if you'd allow me to add that it is awesome when we are able to forgive & forget!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Trialbyfire Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 Not knowing your exact story, I can only try to interpret your comments to the best of my ability. You stated he threw his OW under the bus because you told him to and then said "Where is your man?" I have in the past found your posts to be constructive, but not in this case. "Where's your man?" was out of line. When someone has a coronary on you with little to no substance to her remarks, my remark was simple. It highlighted how a MM can be incredibly selfish and rarely leaves the wife unless she drop-kicks him under the bus. If you followed the flow of the thread, you would understand this previous to jumping in.
annabelle75 Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 When someone has a coronary on you with little to no substance to her remarks, my remark was simple. It highlighted how a MM can be incredibly selfish and rarely leaves the wife unless she drop-kicks him under the bus. If you followed the flow of the thread, you would understand this previous to jumping in. I have read the thread. And I am going to say this to for every one to hear ......................... THIS IS THE OM/OW FORUM! If you come in here and get in the face of a OM/OW expect them to fight back. It is their forum and they have every right to do so. I honestly think they shoudl fight back more. It might discourage some of the BS coming in here looking to beat up on them.
Trialbyfire Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 I have read the thread. And I am going to say this to for every one to hear ......................... THIS IS THE OM/OW FORUM! If you come in here and get in the face of a OM/OW expect them to fight back. It is their forum and they have every right to do so. I honestly think they shoudl fight back more. It might discourage some of the BS coming in here looking to beat up on them. It's an open forum scenario. This forum belongs to LS...
Tomcat33 Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 ACtually TBF I'll tell you where my man is he is HISTORY, that's where he is. I'll tell you something else, after we seperated so that he could be on his own he started pursuing me and I said to him I won't see you until the D is in the works I don't want to go down that path again. About four weeks later he phones me up and begs me to meet him for a cofee telling me he really neede to see me. I went. We met, we spoke for aprox 1.5 hrs. He asked me how I felt I told him I still loved him but that I was getting on with my life and that the time apart had done me a lot of good, was thinking a lot clearer and that I really didn't want to go back to having a rel with him while he was still married, even though he was living on his own. At all this he had told me he still loved me, seeing me again made him certain of how he had been feeling, he told me he missed me terribly that it was like death trying to on with his days. Then he drops the bomb. He tells me that because I wouldn't take his calls or return his emails when we were in NC he decided to move back home with his W. LOL what a lowlife piece of garbage, NOT because he move back home but because he insisted on meeting me and insisted on telling me he still loved me and missed me and just HAD to see me, even after he had decided to go back with his W and work on things. Of course to learn this I was furious so I proceeded to ask him if his W knew that he had come to meet me, he said no. I asked him if he planned on telling her what he just told me. He said "yeah maybe I should if I want to work on my marriage". To that I told him "here, allow me, let me call her" and I did. I called her and told her that he had been emailing me this whole time, she told me he had sworn to her he had broken ALL contact with me for months. LIES!!!! then she asked me when he called me, I told her the day before and today and he called me from his apartment so that's why I accpeted to meet him. She was floored that he A) was still trying to pursue me b) had come to meet me c) was telling me that he still loved me and missed me and thought about me every single day The call happened so fast it was knee jerk reaction from me. I felt it was the right thing to do, she needs to know what she is dealing with. This great prize that she faught so hard to win back meanwhile the ass is coming around looking for me. But when he thought he would lose her he wanted his "time alone" this was when he was trying to win her back. As soon as the bastard is let back into her house he comes looking for me again. It was at that point at that very moment that all the things I thought had happened between he and I that could have been a one off, one of those rare chances where you meet someone who is just like you but you meet them under the worst possible circumstances, that I realised that it had not been like that at all. I had met nothing less than a creep. At that VERY point I closed the door on him for good. Where is my man now? I had to threaten him again to stop emailing me or I would print them out and send them to his W after I called her. SO he proceeded to take out a fake profile on Facebook, so that he could contact me, and send me messages there he pretended to be a single guy looking to meet me. At first I thought it was real then after a few conversations back and forth I realised it was him. He has no picture up or anything what a fool!!! I played him for a few days until I was sure it was him, the I caught. I him confronted him with that and told him, if he so much as comes near me again in any way shape or form, I will not report him to his W I will call the police. He hasnt contact me finally, but still has his "fake" profile up in facebook. And he seems to be online ALL the time. Great marraige his, his W found out about her husband moving out to be with another woman, then he lies to her again, and she is told this BY the OW. And finally the guys is still leading a double life looking for the OW online behind his W's back. LOL I feel for both of them really. They are def better suited for each other than I ever would have been for him. I abhore lies, there is no way in hell he would have got away with that kind of crap living with me. The moral of my story is that foolish woman who faught so hard to keep this man married to her, is paying a blind eye to what she had by her side. I on the other hand want NO PART OF THAT. It was one thing when I thought he was a different person when I was with him and I believed who he was, now I know what and who he is and I want nothing to do with him/that. Am I angry that I was lied to that I was betrayed and mislead DAMN right I am. That I was made to feel foolish for beleiveing in him, sure!! Am I angry he stayed with his W, GOD NO. As I said to her on the phone "I don't even know you but I know you deserve more than a pathological liar who doesn't even know what love or commitment is" I actually feel sorry for them both, but very happy I got him out of my life.
Author NearlyThere Posted May 24, 2007 Author Posted May 24, 2007 HI everyone. I really think this thread is getting a bit out of hand. I think I got the answers to my question, even if we all didn't agree, but hey, we all cant agree with everyone elses opinion and if we did it could be a bit boring. So unless everyone wants to get back on topic, let the thread RIP. Thanks NT
NoOneKnows Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 To Tomcat, Awesome post. Thanks for sharing!!!! My heart was racing as I read it. To NearlyThere, May this thread RIP:)
Trialbyfire Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 Agreed NT. As for the ego-stroking component of an affair, I've changed a bit of my position from the beginning of the thread. There were some very valid points about what is an acceptable compliment as at the time it's given. If you give inappropriate comments to an MM or MW, it is an ego stroke, especially previous to the beginning of the affair. For example, in a work environment, I would never tell someone in a committed relationship of any form, that he had gorgeous blue eyes or a great behind. Telling someone that they're doing a great job at work is appropriate.
Tomcat33 Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 Hey I may be a lot of things but I am no hypocrite. When I post my thoughts I am convinced of what I say it's not a ploy to attack BS's because they kept "the man I wanted". Believe me it's not like that. A creep's a creep no matter how you look at it. my ex MM is a creep. I fell into a situation that seemed real at the time, the feelings were real the compliments and emotions ran deep that I have no doubt of, but that man is deeply confused and needs to grow some cojones, because in the end he is just a big flake who doesn't know his head form his arse. He has no regard for the pain he caused the two women in his life. I would have waited for this man to sort out his stuff to be with me. But I now thank my lucky stars, deep pain and all, that I got to see him for who he was because it avoided me a lot of pain further down the road a guy like that won't change for me for his W for anyone, he is well broken and I hate to say it but after speaking to his W and seeing how she handled all of this, I see she is broken too.
Author NearlyThere Posted May 24, 2007 Author Posted May 24, 2007 Agreed NT. As for the ego-stroking component of an affair, I've changed a bit of my position from the beginning of the thread. There were some very valid points about what is an acceptable compliment as at the time it's given. If you give inappropriate comments to an MM or MW, it is an ego stroke, especially previous to the beginning of the affair. For example, in a work environment, I would never tell someone in a committed relationship of any form, that he had gorgeous blue eyes or a great behind. Telling someone that they're doing a great job at work is appropriate. I have changed my position a bit on my own topic as well, lol, I did state it earlier in the thread, however, I think it has got a bit lost. So will just say again, I can see how what I do could be considered ego stroking, however, I maintain, I dont it for any kind of ulterior motive, however, I do conceed that maybe some people, including OW do. NT
Trialbyfire Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 I have changed my position a bit on my own topic as well, lol, I did state it earlier in the thread, however, I think it has got a bit lost. So will just say again, I can see how what I do could be considered ego stroking, however, I maintain, I dont it for any kind of ulterior motive, however, I do conceed that maybe some people, including OW do. NT I agree with this. I'll also add that there were some valid comments about perception.
NoIDidn't Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 Boy did this thread get UGLY. But it seems good info was provided to a degree. I hope that I added to the convo more than anything I said incited it. NT, thanks for not taking my post personally. I was not meant that way. I agree with TC that almost all Rs start out with some degree of ego stroking. Psychologists have called it "mirroring". We want to be with the person that smiles at us. Babies are an excellent example of mirroring. Its hard not to smile at a cute, cuddly plump baby. My babies weren't plump, but they had cute in SPADES and were easy going. People still fight over being near them as they are such jovial personalities. Anyways, its always the thought provoking threads that generate this level of responses. It was a good question. One that I still think is kind of strange to ask, but there is no stupid question: just stupid answers.
bullhunter Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 Each case is different, so to make blanket statements either way is foolish really. We simply cannot speak for everyone. And that is my point. You were telling IO what HER husband felt, etc. You haave no idea. You are only relating to your own situation, not hers, and what you were saying was not accurate because of that.
bullhunter Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 and I would ask, isn't ego stroking part and parcel of new relationships period? {snip} So if we can say every relationship starts off like that, why is it that when a MP courts an OP or vs/vsa it is considered a tactic of sorts, the paying of compliments to gain and utlerior motive? Ego stroking is part and parcel of ALL relationhsips, whether new or old. In fact the absence of ego stroking between married people is often what leads them to have affairs... i.e. they believe their SO no longer cares for them. Giving compliments maybe shouldn't be considered as manipulation imho unless it's from a man or woman who is attempting to form a relationship with a married person.
Tomcat33 Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 And that is my point. You were telling IO what HER husband felt, etc. You haave no idea. You are only relating to your own situation, not hers, and what you were saying was not accurate because of that. It was my opinion about her H, just like your opinion now, and hers. All of our opinions are irrelevant to the truth. The only one who knows the truth is her H. So my opinion is as accurate as you or I want it to be. If we are all exchanging opinions my opinion is no less acurate than hers or yours. On a side note, I tend to see this trend a lot here when people post., some are adamant to point out someone's view as WRONG or WRIGHT. They are views, there is no wrong or right. Just because you don't accept the opinion it doesn't make it right or wrong. Unless you are talking about yourself and someone makes a statement about you personally, that's the only time you can say "you are right you are wrong" otherwise it's fair play. Ego stroking is part and parcel of ALL relationhsips, whether new or old. In fact the absence of ego stroking between married people is often what leads them to have affairs... i.e. they believe their SO no longer cares for them. Giving compliments maybe shouldn't be considered as manipulation imho unless it's from a man or woman who is attempting to form a relationship with a married person. But why? If it is the natural progression of the initiation of a relationship, why is it different or not acceptable when it's a person doing it in and A?!?!? It's still a relationship, it's still two people engaging in a romantic tie looking to win each other over with affection and words. Isn't that exactly what single people do!?!?
NoOneKnows Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 Ok, so, one of the men I work with walks by my desk. I mention to him that his cologne smells nice. Oh & he's married. I am no way trying to get with him. It's a compliment. Not an ego stroke for him either.
Tomcat33 Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 Ok, so, one of the men I work with walks by my desk. I mention to him that his cologne smells nice. Oh & he's married. I am no way trying to get with him. It's a compliment. Not an ego stroke for him either. Married or not it compliments feel good, for the receiver and giver. I remeber when I started dating my ex we were making dinner and I asked him to pick up a few things from the grocery store, a few things were not specific I just said pick up X and Y but X/Y could come in many brands etc. So when he showed up with all the groceries he had this scared look on his face and I said WOW you got the best stuff everything looks great. He had this look of relief on his face and says to me "WOW really? everytime I get sent to the grocery store I always manage to get everything wrong, it's never the right thing" He basically was implying that his W would complain about all his choices. Without even knowing it I paid him a HUGE compliment. These are the little things that eat away at the union between two people and it's not wonder a little attention seems like a lot when given from a stranger.
bullhunter Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 But why? If it is the natural progression of the initiation of a relationship, why is it different or not acceptable when it's a person doing it in and A?!?!? It's still a relationship, it's still two people engaging in a romantic tie looking to win each other over with affection and words. Isn't that exactly what single people do!?!? If you'll note, I did say that it was wrong IN and affair, I said it was wrong and manipulation if a person was was trying to FORM a relationship - in other words CREATE an affair.
Tomcat33 Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 If you'll note, I did say that it was wrong IN and affair, I said it was wrong and manipulation if a person was was trying to FORM a relationship - in other words CREATE an affair. Correction, wrong quote my apologies...retracted last post... As per the "it is wrong to compliment if you are trying to create an A" that's not the point of the original question, you are in other words trying to say that compliments during an A are wrong. That's irrelevant. The point was and still is, are compliments given while in an affair solely done to stroke the ego. The question was NOT is it wrong to compliment to form an affair. Every rel starts with compliments/ego stroking affair or not. So the "affair is wrong" not the ego stroking...
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