HappyAtLast Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 I do not believe for one minute that your husband did not risk anything. I seriously doubt that you would be posting on these sorts of boards had he not had an A. That was honestly not a slam, but if you are honest you must admit that the consequences of his actions did change something inside of you. How could they not?
Tomcat33 Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 Most women don't leave their spouses if they've been unfaithful, especially if it's once in a longterm marriage, especially if the spouse is remorseful. In fact the overwhelming majority don't. May I ask how you come up with this statement? It seems like a gross generalization to me...or are you basing it on your situation specifically?
NoOneKnows Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 No, I don't believe I am an anomaly, I believe that I am an adult, well aware of the consequences of my actions. You say, most women don't leave their spouses if they've been unfaithful. I say, why take that risk? I found an Easter card in my exh's car from an ow. I asked him about it & he admitted he'd been with someone. That was it. I packed up, moved & divorced him.
Tomcat33 Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 It's the rare d-day that results in the end of a marriage. I would agree with that but only because as soon as these BS find out they were cheated on they go into competitive mode and at the same time they hate their H's for what they did they hate the women who participated in the A EVEN MORE. so out of sheer competitiveness they fight tooth and nail to keep him away from the OW. In time, what ends up happening is that the same problems start to sneak up in the marriage and that's when the break happens if it's going to happen, not after D-day but time further down the line when the OW is out of site.
annabelle75 Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 I would agree with that but only because as soon as these BS find out they were cheated on they go into competitive mode and at the same time they hate their H's for what they did they hate the women who participated in the A EVEN MORE. so out of sheer competitiveness they fight tooth and nail to keep him away from the OW. In time, what ends up happening is that the same problems start to sneak up in the marriage and that's when the break happens if it's going to happen, not after D-day but time further down the line when the OW is out of site. I totally agree. The affair is usually just a sympton of other problems in the marriage. Those problems don't go away just becaue the affair stopped. They eventually get worse and now there is the compounded problem of their no longer being trust in the relationship.
Impudent Oyster Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 I do not believe for one minute that your husband did not risk anything. I seriously doubt that you would be posting on these sorts of boards had he not had an A. That was honestly not a slam, but if you are honest you must admit that the consequences of his actions did change something inside of you. How could they not? Why then, if you're other woman has been your only woman (wife) for 40 years, are you posting on these boards? Did your affair change something inside of you? This board fascinates me.
Trialbyfire Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 I would agree with that but only because as soon as these BS find out they were cheated on they go into competitive mode and at the same time they hate their H's for what they did they hate the women who participated in the A EVEN MORE. so out of sheer competitiveness they fight tooth and nail to keep him away from the OW. In time, what ends up happening is that the same problems start to sneak up in the marriage and that's when the break happens if it's going to happen, not after D-day but time further down the line when the OW is out of site. It's not a matter of competition TC. You completely oversimplify the situation and btw, it's not much of a fight. Most of these men fold quickly, once they realize the devastation they've caused through their selfish actions. Also, I think the main criteria that everyone fails to mention is that MM don't even think much about the risk or anyone else. MM simply don't believe they'll get caught. This is the crux of the matter. I told him that contact had to stop during the late afternoon/evening and he shut her down by early the next morning. So, including a full night's sleep, this was a very short duration, far less than 24 hours. Not only did he stop contact, he threw the OW under the bus with no remorse and ended up hating her very, very quickly.
Impudent Oyster Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 I found an Easter card in my exh's car from an ow. I asked him about it & he admitted he'd been with someone. That was it. I packed up, moved & divorced him. I'm guessing you probably weren't too thrilled with him or your marriage before you found the card....We were very happy, got along great, etc., and still do and are. I wasn't about to throw away an otherwise good, long and happy marriage and family over a fling. But if I was already unhappy with my H, d-day would have been a great excuse to end things.
Impudent Oyster Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 MM simply don't believe they'll get caught. This is the crux of the matter. . Yep, that's the truth. In fact, d-day came the day after H told OW that he didn't want to have a relationship with her...you figure it out.
Impudent Oyster Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 I guess you've come to terms he will do it again more power to you and your open relationship. So in your case it's not really cheating if you have an open understanding... You make a lot of false assumptions, don't you?
Impudent Oyster Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 No, I don't believe I am an anomaly? Of course you are, statistics bear that out. Very, very few MM marry their OW, and almost none manage to stay married for 40 years! I'm guessing you were married young the first time, weren't married very long and didn't marry the right person. Good for you, you did the right thing by divorcing and marrying OW, as she's obviously the one for you, but you have to know that your situation is by far the exception rather than the rule.
Trialbyfire Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 Of course you are, statistics bear that out. Very, very few MM marry their OW, and almost none manage to stay married for 40 years! I'm guessing you were married young the first time, weren't married very long and didn't marry the right person. Good for you, you did the right thing by divorcing and marrying OW, as she's obviously the one for you, but you have to know that your situation is by far the exception rather than the rule. I completely agree with this. It's statistically proven. In most situations, not all, the affair(s) are ego-strokes. Someone wants me desperately.
Ruby Tuesday Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 It's funny, people like Tomcat know so much about a persons marriage, through the eyes of being the OW of course. They're mistresses, lawyers and marriage counselors, too. I can't wrap my mind around an OW or a MM giving any constructive marital advice, unless it's to their advantage in some way or another. I'll leave it for you to figure out, IO. What does it mean? LOL
HappyAtLast Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 was contemplating having an A. (There was no internet back in my day). I stayed because I have recently retired and this is, as you say, a fascinating place. And yes, of course, falling in love with another woman while married to my first wife changed me. Why then, if you're other woman has been your only woman (wife) for 40 years, are you posting on these boards? Did your affair change something inside of you? This board fascinates me.
annabelle75 Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 It's funny, people like Tomcat know so much about a persons marriage, through the eyes of being the OW of course. They're mistresses, lawyers and marriage counselors, too. I can't wrap my mind around an OW or a MM giving any constructive marital advice, unless it's to their advantage in some way or another. I'll leave it for you to figure out, IO. What does it mean? LOL Well ........... this is the OW/OM forum, isn't it? If you want advice on marraige than you should go to the Married forum. Let the OW/OMs have their own discussions that are relevant to them.
HappyAtLast Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 but was married to my XW for nearly twenty years. God, I am old... Of course you are, statistics bear that out. Very, very few MM marry their OW, and almost none manage to stay married for 40 years! I'm guessing you were married young the first time, weren't married very long and didn't marry the right person. Good for you, you did the right thing by divorcing and marrying OW, as she's obviously the one for you, but you have to know that your situation is by far the exception rather than the rule.
HappyAtLast Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 I guess so, BUT... please do not be fooled by statistics. People rarely admit that their marriage began as an affair, so while I don't believe that THAT is the norm, please don't be fooled into thinking the percentages are so low.
Trialbyfire Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 I guess so, BUT... please do not be fooled by statistics. People rarely admit that their marriage began as an affair, so while I don't believe that THAT is the norm, please don't be fooled into thinking the percentages are so low. There's no doubt that MM/MW rarely leave their spouses. This is proven not only via statististics. All you have to do is to look at the threads on this board and see how many MM/OW or MW/OM end up in successful functional married relationships with each other.
HappyAtLast Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 I think it is not the norm, but I don't believe that it is as rare as people think. I just don't see how the statistics can be accurate when it is something that is undocumented and people can lie about. Also - two of my closest friends have been divorce lawyers for many years now. They say that, in many cases, there is someone "waiting in the wings". Again, I don't think it is the norm, but not as rare as people would like to think.
Tomcat33 Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 It's not a matter of competition TC. You completely oversimplify the situation and btw, it's not much of a fight. Most of these men fold quickly, once they realize the devastation they've caused through their selfish actions. Also, I think the main criteria that everyone fails to mention is that MM don't even think much about the risk or anyone else. MM simply don't believe they'll get caught. This is the crux of the matter. I told him that contact had to stop during the late afternoon/evening and he shut her down by early the next morning. So, including a full night's sleep, this was a very short duration, far less than 24 hours. Not only did he stop contact, he threw the OW under the bus with no remorse and ended up hating her very, very quickly. And where were these "men's" capacity for realizing their actions when they were two timing their Ws? It took seeing you, the W, breaking down in tears, seeing you in the most pain possible, calling him EVERY NAME IN BOOK for what he did to you, for him to react to his own actions? WOW!!! What are these men deaf blind and retarded? They have no accountability for their actions until the sh@# hits the fan? C'mon!! HOW PATHETIC. You make excuse after excuse after excuse for their actions. THAT'S why women like yourselves stay with these types of men, because you don't even respect yourselves, you don't think you can get better than the coward of a H you chose to stay with. You let him cheat because have no choice (well you are brainwashed into thinking you have no choice). And don't forget if your H had not been caught he'd still be with his OW, so what are you boasting about how he dropped her like a hot potatoe, yeah it wasn't by his own choice it was because you ASKED him to or better yet because the OW got sick and tired of his bullsh!!!t and dumped him. Or he got caught. Rarely does the cheater end the A himself willingly. I guess if you can live with the thought that you had to pressure someone into staying with you, then that's your ego that is taking the blows.... No that's an admirable man, one who lies to one woman to be with another and then throws the Other under the bus to get rid of the old rag when he is done with it. You got yourself a delightful man as well TBF. Just listen to you women boasting about the peice of "sh@#" of a human being you have for Hs. Do you even read the stuff you write? How is throwing a woman under the bus whom HE FULLY decided to engage and pursue amorously, in any shape way or form an action deeming of admiration once he throws her under the bus? I like how the BS team up with the cheater to hate the OW like she's the problem, what fools these women are when they are actually teaming with the enemy #1 As I said before if my ex had bad mouthed his W I would have been out of there so damn fast. I have 0 respect for people who bad mouth exes. I have stopped dating men who bad-mouthed exes because that shows 0 respect in themselves. Let alone one who would throw and ex partner "under a bus" That to me is so dispicable in so many ways. I went as far as playing devil's advocate when my ex talked about his W I recall defending HER stance in a few scenarios. He never bad mouthed her (well only once he said something very mean and I stopped him dead in his tracks, he said she was like a dog, he said his parents told him that the love he had for her is what you have for a pet dog, to this day that statments hurst me like he had said it about me and I made sure he knew how I felt about his comment) but he did talk about some of their differences and I repected and apreciated that he was mature about expressing what their difference where in a way that was tactful and non-insulting. He would talk about it like a mature adult who had a complex situation infront of him. Not like a highschool kid who just had sex with a girl and who went back to school on monday to boast about it to his peers including writing things on her locker door for approval from his peers. THAT"S why your Hs bad mouth the OW with you: for your approval, they feed you the same bulls!!t to keep you happy, it's an easy way to win you over, you hate the OW so they will make sure to hate them with you but you actually DON'T know what is going on in their heads you really don't as I don't. Inpundent Oyster wrote: You make a lot of false assumptions, don't you? Likewise. Well if we look at the LS stats alone, for every BS who stayed with their spouse there is an equal if not more number of BS who left their cheating spouses. And some of those who did stay and are regular posters of LS are having similar problems again, some are even being cheated on again, and some are simply not happy because the affair changed them forever. So just like HAL is anamoly so are you two ladies who seem to be better than ever after the affair... and what else helps me form my assumptions: the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior
Trialbyfire Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 Hurts to hear it, doesn't it TC, which is why you lash out. You're living proof of it...
Tomcat33 Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 Hurts to hear it, doesn't it TC, which is why you lash out. You're living proof of it... ????????? what hurts?
Tomcat33 Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 You know what? whatever you meant by that...it doesn't matter because I know this much. No matter how much the relationship hurt with my ex, and believe me that rel. was very painful for me in every way. I know that the pain I felt is nothing in comparisson to what a spouse feels the day they find out the love of their life, the person they vowed to love and charish infront of all the closests friends and family, has just finished ridiculing them ifront of all those people to be fully emotionally and physically enganged with another human being. That pain has got to the be the worst it's beyond me HOW you recover from something like that. Unless of course you are too afraid to be alone then I can see why you would stay with someone who has done that to you.
annabelle75 Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 Where's your man? Forgive me but I'm about to say something snotty ........... ........ never mind. I'm not goign to lower myself to personal attacks. If you think that anyone is jealous that your cheating M stayed with you, you are wrong.
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