Ego Stroking vs Just being nice/honest

[Trialbyfire]

TC, this is not true - not even close to true. There are a number of men who don't fall into the category you describe here. Many men, of whom I am one, do come totally clean with their wives after they realize what they may lose, what they have almost thrown away. If a man really wants to mend the marriage and bring it back to it's former trust coming clean must be complete.

 

And another thing. A man can make a mistake, a BAD mistake. When he realizes what he has done he is not "acting all embarassed". He is completely desolated by what he has done. The memories unfortunately will stay with him for a long time. His memory of his betrayal. His memory of the his shattered wife at her discovery. His memory of the honor he used to have. But memories of the OW? They disappear so fast. If you think that any man treasures the memory of his most dismal failure, his failure of honor, you need a better view of reality.

 

TRUST me on that.

Thanks for the insight bullhunter. It's very similar to what my ex said, not the exact words, but the concept that you're expressing. Maybe I should have believed him.

[Tomcat33]

 

And another thing. A man can make a mistake, a BAD mistake. When he realizes what he has done he is not "acting all embarassed". He is completely desolated by what he has done.....

 

 

and when that very same man months or a year down the road comes sniffiing around or worse yet continues to email or make the odd contact here and there with the OW after deciding to work on the marriage, he is 100% ACTING all embarassed in front of his W.

 

The only truth is that NO ONE knows the truth about anything for the simple fact that we cannot be inside people's heads. TRUTH is a choice. A BS chooses to believe her husband just as much an OP chooses to believe the person they are involved with, from there to reality and what goes on inside the cheater's person only he knows, and neither the W nor the OW will ever know what or how he really felt. It's all in what the people involved with him want to believe. But I'll give you this much actions speak louder than words, both ways.

[NearlyThere]

NT - this isn't anything to do with you personally, just the question asked.

 

I don't understand the point of the OP. I don't get why the OP doesn't see the compliments as ego-stroking. Compliments ARE ego-stroking, no matter the consequences of getting them. And IRL, I LOVE to get my ego-stroked. So I can understand how "positive reinforcement" can become addictive - especially if you aren't getting it where it matters most.

 

In a marriage, its common for life to get in the way and for the compliments to cease, on the part of both parties. Those that decide to cheat often don't like the *them* that is portrayed in the eyes of their spouse. So they seek someone that doesn't share an everyday existence with them to make them feel better about themselves.

 

I am speaking generally as MOST As don't end in a D and re-M to the AP.

 

Most OPs hear negative things about the BS and complimentary things about themselves in comparison. The MP strokes the OP's ego too. It goes both ways, for the same reason, but with different intentions. Neither wants the R to end (at that moment anyway), but one of them wants the other to leave someone to be with them - since their complimentary ways make them the *better* choice.

 

Not to start an argument, as I don't hang around for those. Its just that it is so common here for an OP to wonder when the MP is going to leave that lousy BS because the OP is so much better suited to the MP. They get along so much better. The MP even says so.

 

Ego stroking is part and parcel of affairs. Whether one calls what they do ego-stroking or just being honest matters not. You both are getting your ego stroked, otherwise you wouldn't be in the R. Why take risks to be with someone that doesn't give you something desirable in return (make you feel good, and feel good about yourself)?

 

Thanks for your reply and I know it was not aimed at me in particular.

 

I started this thread because I was genuinely interested, after reading peoples replies I can see how when in an A, what I would consider just being nice or a compliment could be constitued an ego stroke. Also I found IWWH reply very interesting as well, how the MM being in nearly complete control on the A itself, could certainly be the ultimate ego boost. Also there is a thread just started on Infidelity I think and in there a MM who has had an A talks about this very subject I bought up.

 

However, personally I maintain my ground that I dont do it for any ulterior motives, maybe that would have been a better angle to aim the thread at.

 

NT

[NearlyThere]

Maybe they disappeared because somebody smart reported them instead of complaining about them only in the thread?

 

But you are right about one thing; the reality goes both ways. It is simply incomprehensible to some people to be the OP, let alone talk about it. Not a dig. It IS surprising to read much of what is said on an OW/OM board. Not just BSs either.

 

So again. I didn't see rudeness. But I guess the more thin-skinned among us did.

 

To be honest I dont know which threads have been removed, if any, the only one which bothered me, were ones questioning my parents, I feel thats unnecessary and getting personal and I just answered in what I thought was a reasonable manner.

 

These next bits are not aimed at you, but also questioning that I am posting on a live forum about this subject is sightly bizarre as this is the OW board and not the only one, yes it can be surprising to see what is written, by all, I occassionaly do read an OW post and roll my eyes and say to myself "I dont believe it". However, if it was not for this board, I would not be aware that it is perfectly feasible that what MM is telling me is BS.

 

So I will not be evicted from LS OW/OM board, (unless I get banned by the mods) so to speak, by people telling me I cannot post on here because they dont agree with me. They can tell me they dont agree, give me tough love or harsh advice, I can ignore the post, put the person on ignore or report it or respond.

 

NT

[Ruby Tuesday]

Impudent Oyster and Ruby Tuesday

 

you both attempt to disarm and infuriate people regularly by attempting to mock and humiliate them. however your visible anger and emotional bitterness are strategically counterproductive. both of your spectacles you try to verbally produce are nor striking or radiant. you can dazzle no one with wit.

 

how embarrassing.

 

and honestly all of you jumping on the crybaby IO & RT band wagon looks equally laughable. if life's such a peach move on already.

 

I'm not on anybody's bandwagon, darlin. I left this thread four pages ago. I have my own opinion. IO has hers. OP's have theirs. I dont have to mock, humilate, or even embarass anyone. I don't have to. You do it all to yourselves.

 

Thats the point I was making. NT is making a fool out of herself. Telling me she has no motive being with a MM, and that he can dump her anytime he wants to is a lie. Why would she say that? So she can claim she was a victim of a MM later when he does throw her under the bus?

 

The manipulations, the attention seeking and the fake flattery will only get you so far. To me, it just shows the depth (and lack of character) some of you people have, so why would I even bother continuing this thread?

 

You can call me all the names you want. Bitter. Angry. Ignorant. Whatever. I never worry about what people think of me. I just consider the source.

[Impudent Oyster]

The fact that you and your H get a kick out of reading emails his OW sent him together is disturbing on so many levels.

 

I don't even know where to start

 

My husband and I didn't get a kick out of reading them (he wanted to burn them), but my girlfriends and I sure did! It's not like the whole town didn't know what she was, I was just doing a public service by alerting the other wives.

[Impudent Oyster]

Impudent Oyster...

 

 

However, I am curious about another thing.... you say you "begged him" to go and be with his OW. Aren't you in the least bit bothered that your husband risked your marriage to be with someone else, risked you, potentially your health, the well-being of your family (presuming you have one) and pretty much everything else in your life for such a pathetic creature with whom he had no intention of making a future?

 

Did I say I wasn't bothered? Of course I was bothered that he risked our marriage and family over a desperate divorcee, but we've been through a lot of counseling to work through it. This didn't happen yesterday, it happened quite some time ago. Years ago.

 

Oh and, let's be honest here, do you really think most MM have any intention of making a future with the OW? Please, don't be naive, the overwhelming majority have absolutely ZERO intention of making the relationship permanent, that's why it's such a big secret.

[Impudent Oyster]

I guess if you call living a life of doubt and watching your back for the rest of your days with your cheating H, living, then suit yourself. He'll find another woman to "stroke his ego"sooner or later. If that'what he was getting out of it...

 

No dear, I don't live a life of doubt, I don't watch my back or my husband's, I can't be bothered. I live a very comfortable, secure, happy life filled with friends, fun and my family.

 

If he needs his ego-stroked again then I can't stop him, I'll be fine. I've got too much going for me to worry about an errant husband, I'm not going to worry about it.

[NearlyThere]

 

Thats the point I was making. NT is making a fool out of herself. Telling me she has no motive being with a MM, and that he can dump her anytime he wants to is a lie. Why would she say that? So she can claim she was a victim of a MM later when he does throw her under the bus?

.

 

Can we please keep it in context what I said, if you wish to think I am making a fool of myself fair enough, again it is your opinion.

 

I would like to say though what I said was, I had no motive to ego boost/flatter, whichever, the MM. The comment about dumping was actually in response to you saying, "But I'm pretty sure that's not the *only* thing you have to do to get him stay with you" to which I replied "He is free to dump me whenever he chooses". I will never claim to be a victim of a MM, I am responsible for my own present situation, it is my own fault, I dont think I have ever denied that, therefore if/when he does throw me under the proverbial it if my own fault.

 

Thanks

 

NT

[Impudent Oyster]

TC, this is not true - not even close to true. There are a number of men who don't fall into the category you describe here. Many men, of whom I am one, do come totally clean with their wives after they realize what they may lose, what they have almost thrown away. If a man really wants to mend the marriage and bring it back to it's former trust coming clean must be complete.

 

And another thing. A man can make a mistake, a BAD mistake. When he realizes what he has done he is not "acting all embarassed". He is completely desolated by what he has done. The memories unfortunately will stay with him for a long time. His memory of his betrayal. His memory of the his shattered wife at her discovery. His memory of the honor he used to have. But memories of the OW? They disappear so fast. If you think that any man treasures the memory of his most dismal failure, his failure of honor, you need a better view of reality.

 

TRUST me on that.

 

I believe you.

[Impudent Oyster]

if you wish to think I am making a fool of myself fair enough, again it is your opinion.

 

I would like to say though what I said was, I had no motive to ego boost/flatter, whichever, the MM.

NT

 

I'm pretty sure the OW who wrote the emails I read would've said the same thing, that she had no ulterior motive, but boy did she ever. I'm sure she really meant all those corny comments.

 

Love is blind, eh?

[NearlyThere]

I'm pretty sure the OW who wrote the emails I read would've said the same thing, that she had no ulterior motive, but boy did she ever. I'm sure she really meant all those corny comments.

 

Love is blind, eh?

 

I can understand how me saying the said comments might be perceived by other people as having an ulterior motive. Maybe one woman looking at another womans comments, it is something that would appear so. I think women on the whole can be more devious and sly which is perhaps why the ulterior motive theory comes into play. JIMO.

 

I dont want to scare you or myself, but I think I agree with you, lol, love IS blind!!!

 

 

NT

[Ruby Tuesday]

Completely agree! I think IO doesn't realise the joke is really on her...unfortunately. What kind of a low life engages in an extramarital affair only to end up mocking the OW with his W when he is done.

He can be done with the A but why stoop to mocking the OW with the W. Sorry to say IO but you got yourself a "real winner" don't you! Not only does he have no scruples whatsoever, he has 0 class. And you think you won in the end? Yikes!

 

If I ended up with a married man who on top of it mocked and bad mouthed his ex I'd want no part of him, that is just so lacking in respect for himself in SO many ways.

 

All I could say for the OW in that situation is GOOD RIDDANCE to that.

 

IO you dont have to respond to that. You have nothing to proove to these people, because they will only try to pick it apart and make it out to be something it's not.

 

Your husband loves you and he wouldnt he with you if he cared at all about his xOW. That only makes them feel even more insecure about themselves than they already do. (Try harder.) If they can beat you up they can stomp on any wife that gets in their way, but like you said, their efforts are self defeating. Their words have no real power and you're right, since they are having an affair with a MM their words lack conviction.

 

The OW desperately need to believe that they are loved above and beyond the wife, because she stands in the way. They compete with the BW and they play games on top of more games to try to proove that they're not. My wife never pays attention to me = lots of useful knowledge to gain the upper hand over her. The only advantage they ever had are the lies, the secrecy and the manipulations and thats not saying much.

 

It's her fantasy world and it's self-created and overblown. Affairs get way too much hype for what they are not.

[Impudent Oyster]

IO you dont have to respond to that. You have nothing to proove to these people, because they will only try to pick it apart and make it out to be something it's not.

 

Your husband loves you and he wouldnt he with you if he cared at all about his xOW. That only makes them feel even more insecure about themselves than they already do. (Try harder.) If they can beat you up they can stomp on any wife that gets in their way, but like you said, their efforts are self defeating. Their words have no real power and you're right, since they are having an affair with a MM their words lack conviction.

 

The OW desperately need to believe that they are loved above and beyond the wife, because she stands in the way. They compete with the BW and they play games on top of more games to try to proove that they're not. My wife never pays attention to me = lots of useful knowledge to gain the upper hand over her. The only advantage they ever had are the lies, the secrecy and the manipulations and thats not saying much.

 

It's her fantasy world and it's self-created and overblown. Affairs get way too much hype for what they are not.

 

Very true Ruby, I so agree with everything you wrote.

[Tomcat33]

IO you dont have to respond to that. You have nothing to proove to these people, because they will only try to pick it apart and make it out to be something it's not.

 

Your husband loves you and he wouldnt he with you if he cared at all about his xOW. That only makes them feel even more insecure about themselves than they already do. (Try harder.) If they can beat you up they can stomp on any wife that gets in their way, but like you said, their efforts are self defeating. Their words have no real power and you're right, since they are having an affair with a MM their words lack conviction.

 

The OW desperately need to believe that they are loved above and beyond the wife, because she stands in the way. They compete with the BW and they play games on top of more games to try to proove that they're not. My wife never pays attention to me = lots of useful knowledge to gain the upper hand over her. The only advantage they ever had are the lies, the secrecy and the manipulations and thats not saying much.

 

It's her fantasy world and it's self-created and overblown. Affairs get way too much hype for what they are not.

 

Ladies I can understand your anger and frustration and all the charged comments you make on here, it would be very frustrating to be married to a person you thought you trusted and who was your best friend who dumped you momentarily to be with another woman behind your back, who made you feel like you were crazy when you saw him withdraw, to tell her he now loved her and talked to her about you and your inadequacies/intimacies behind your backs, and to do and say many thoughtful things for her when he should have been doing these things for you the person he vowed to be with for better or worse infront of all your common friends and family, and now he looks you in the face and tries to fix it all with I'm sorry it will never happen again. I can totally see how that would be very frustrating.

 

But you chose to take them back so why not let go some of that anger who are you so angry with exactly?

[Tomcat33]

My husband and I didn't get a kick out of reading them (he wanted to burn them), but my girlfriends and I sure did! It's not like the whole town didn't know what she was, I was just doing a public service by alerting the other wives.

 

 

So your H picked the town whore to be with behind your back, and you flaunt this? Seriously OI if I were you I wouldn't be throwing those details around so openly, it just makes you look more and more sad each time you reveal more details. I cringe at the thought of my H being with the town whore...there is NO WAY IN HELL he would EVER sleep in my bed again EWWWWWWE!

 

And so now it was you and your friends made fun of the OW NOT you and your H?

 

Let's see how you change your story now...

[HappyAtLast]

TC, this is not true - not even close to true. There are a number of men who don't fall into the category you describe here. Many men, of whom I am one, do come totally clean with their wives after they realize what they may lose, what they have almost thrown away. If a man really wants to mend the marriage and bring it back to it's former trust coming clean must be complete.

 

And another thing. A man can make a mistake, a BAD mistake. When he realizes what he has done he is not "acting all embarassed". He is completely desolated by what he has done. The memories unfortunately will stay with him for a long time. His memory of his betrayal. His memory of the his shattered wife at her discovery. His memory of the honor he used to have. But memories of the OW? They disappear so fast. If you think that any man treasures the memory of his most dismal failure, his failure of honor, you need a better view of reality.

 

TRUST me on that.

 

As a grown man, I don't make those sort of mistakes. As an adult you know that there are consequences to every one of your actions. If you drink and drive, you may get a DUI or worse, harm someone. If you step out on your wife, there is the very real possibility that she will find out and leave you. It is a simple question, really... are you or are you not willing to take that chance? I was.

 

In my current marriage I would NEVER step out on my wife. Why? One, because I love her and respect her, two, because I would NEVER be willing to risk her.

 

See? Consequences.... I don't believe adults make those sorts of mistakes.

[HappyAtLast]

Did I say I wasn't bothered? Of course I was bothered that he risked our marriage and family over a desperate divorcee, but we've been through a lot of counseling to work through it. This didn't happen yesterday, it happened quite some time ago. Years ago.

 

Oh and, let's be honest here, do you really think most MM have any intention of making a future with the OW? Please, don't be naive, the overwhelming majority have absolutely ZERO intention of making the relationship permanent, that's why it's such a big secret.

 

No, I do not believe that most MM have any intention of making a future with their OW. My problem is, it is hard for me to believe that anyone would risk the well-being of the woman they love by being with another. I myself, could never have done so. (You do know that I have been married to my OW for over 40 years?).

[NoOneKnows]

No, I do not believe that most MM have any intention of making a future with their OW. My problem is, it is hard for me to believe that anyone would risk the well-being of the woman they love by being with another. I myself, could never have done so. (You do know that I have been married to my OW for over 40 years?).

 

Ha!!!! HAL,

Just proved that mm DO make a lifetime with their ow.

Thank You!!!!!!

[HappyAtLast]

I was serious NoOne..... I do not believe that most MM intend to make a lifetime with their OW's. If they did they, they would. Once I met my OW and fell in love with her, I would have moved heaven and earth to be with her. I don't see that sort of behavior on the part of MM's in many cases.

 

In my very humble opinion, OW's need to watch very carefully what their MM DO, not necessarily what they say. When a man loves a woman, he will allow nothing to stand between them.

 

 

Ha!!!! HAL,

Just proved that mm DO make a lifetime with their ow.

Thank You!!!!!!

[Tomcat33]

No, I do not believe that most MM have any intention of making a future with their OW. My problem is, it is hard for me to believe that anyone would risk the well-being of the woman they love by being with another. I myself, could never have done so. (You do know that I have been married to my OW for over 40 years?).

 

 

Well that's just it, no matter how temporary the "insanity" no matter how much a person that strays professes to love their spouse I just don't buy they would risk doing what they did to this person they say they love if it meant they could loose everything and never see them again. OR my other theory is they knew they could get away with it because their partner would put up with anything...

 

I was only cheated on once in my entire life (that I know of..;-) , we were in a thee year rel, and I was very independant and in the last year I basically picked travelling and having fun and focusing on my carreer over my rel. He cheated on me a one time sex thing with a co-worker at a party they ended up drunk and at her place and the dummy told me about it the very next days after it happened. His excuse was he didn't know why he didn it, then after much prying and discussing it, it was that he felt I didn't love him, that I didn't really care about him and this woman payed a lot of attention to him. At the time of course I didn't care WHAT his excuse was it was over the minute he broke our commitment. He pursued me for many months after the break-up and I missed him terribly TERRIBLY so I decided to give him a second chance and decided to look at what I had done to also play a part in pushing away. After many talks and many negotiations we got back together. I broke up with him for good a month later. I just could not bear to even look at him in the same way, because even though I was off doing my own thing a lot of the time and needed my time to grow etc it never even crossed my mind to cheat on him, and I had plenty of opportunities. I knew that the thought of what he did would haunt me forever and I fast forwarded to a time in our lives where I would be busy with my career or with children and thought he would do it again, and I just couldn't bear to live like that with that doubt for the rest of my life, it did my head in. Anyway the moral of my story is he really thought he could get away with it and that I wouldn't care, but he was wrong, dead wrong because it caused him the rel. I cared alright!

[Tomcat33]

In my very humble opinion, OW's need to watch very carefully what their MM DO, not necessarily what they say. When a man loves a woman, he will allow nothing to stand between them.

 

This is so so true!! I love your story HAL I have commented on it in other threads and told you so, because your story really was one of those where one love was done and the new love was the love you were supposed to be with. It does happen. But yes before we all go and sing glory for the successful OW/MM that turned into a great loving rel. we should also be very honest in pointing out that it's just as HAL said, not every man goes into and A with the intentions of a life long thing. HAL really is the fewer of the bunch.

 

HAL If I am correct I remember something you wrote in another thread regarding the ending of your marriage and the transition from that to being with the OW that said something to the effect that you wanted to make it as painless as possible for your OW given the difficulty of the situation because she became your #1 proirity and you didn't want to do anything to hurt her because she was your true love. You also didn't want to stall the whole process because of what I just explianed. Well those words really stuck with me because that IS what love is about, we want to protect the person we love, we want to give to them everything we can to make them feel happy because seeing them happy makes us happy.

 

So when I read something like that and I look at all the many cases of the men that are flip flopping back and forth between the OW and the W all I can say is he cares nothing about either woman. A man like that will NEVER care about either woman because he doesn't even know who or why he loves he puts both women through a lot of pain. So whichever woman ends up winning THAT type of man in the end, is really not any sort of winner. I hate to be so blunt but really the one who rids herself of that type of man is the real winner.

[Impudent Oyster]

No, I do not believe that most MM have any intention of making a future with their OW. My problem is, it is hard for me to believe that anyone would risk the well-being of the woman they love by being with another. I myself, could never have done so. (You do know that I have been married to my OW for over 40 years?).

 

And you realize that you're an anomaly, correct?

 

My H didn't think he was risking anything, and as it turns out, he was right. Most women don't leave their spouses if they've been unfaithful, especially if it's once in a longterm marriage, especially if the spouse is remorseful. In fact the overwhelming majority don't.

 

It's the rare d-day that results in the end of a marriage.

[HappyAtLast]

And you realize that you're an anomaly, correct?

 

My H didn't think he was risking anything, and as it turns out, he was right. Most women don't leave their spouses if they've been unfaithful, especially if it's once in a longterm marriage, especially if the spouse is remorseful. In fact the overwhelming majority don't.

 

It's the rare d-day that results in the end of a marriage.

 

No, I don't believe I am an anomaly, I believe that I am an adult, well aware of the consequences of my actions.

 

You say, most women don't leave their spouses if they've been unfaithful. I say, why take that risk?

[Tomcat33]

And you realize that you're an anomaly, correct?

 

My H didn't think he was risking anything, and as it turns out, he was right. Most women don't leave their spouses if they've been unfaithful, especially if it's once in a longterm marriage, especially if the spouse is remorseful. In fact the overwhelming majority don't.

 

It's the rare d-day that results in the end of a marriage.

 

 

You have proven my point, the other half of men who don't risk do it because they can get away with it. I guess you've come to terms he will do it again more power to you and your open relationship. So in your case it's not really cheating if you have an open understanding...