Ego Stroking vs Just being nice/honest

[NearlyThere]

 

You don't like to offend, yet you have no problem screwing some other woman's husband. That's not offensive at all.

 

So your saying that its not offensive at all. Odd I would have thought you woud have done.

 

However your making a very big assumption that I am "screwing him" and if I am by some chance why what makes you think I dont have a problem with it. Please find the thread where I say I have no problem with the fact I am having an A with a MM, that I relish every minute of it. But its no good me saying that I do have a problem with it, because for some reason you have decided i'm talking Baloney.

[sadbuttrue]

What do you mean "he stays"? Does he live with you? Support you? Is your name on his life insurance policy? What's he offering you?

 

Seriously, where is he staying? Doesn't he stay with his wife?

 

Believe me, there's nothing for a MM to get out of when it comes to the OW. You've got nothing of his real life.

 

no, he does not live with me. i just meant that he continues the affair and does not get out when the opportunity has been there for him to quit.

 

he does not support me. the only thing he offers me is love, although not the love i wish for. but for me right now it is what i have.

[Tomcat33]

And you stop acting like it's OK to tell married men that they're great kissers. IT'S NOT OKAY, IT'S WRONG, GET IT?

 

I know everyone is not like me, if they were, there wouldn't be any EMA's. Stop enabling these cheaters, they aren't victims, they aren't stupid are they? Well, are they?

 

 

Oh please, as if I can enamble or disable a person who is involved in an extramarital affair! Sorry hun, I don't have that kind of power. The question was not is it wrong or right, CLEARLY being involved with someone who is married is wrong, but that's irrelevant to the point of this thread.

 

The question was why are the compliments that she pays her MM considered an ego stroke. You think you can stick to the topic at hand? Or is that too much to ask? GET IT?

 

Thank goodness not everyone is like you, what bitter world this would be otherwise....

 

In my books, if you have to resort to name calling, you really have no argument.

 

And by the way, if you don't like reading that people are involved in affairs why in the world would you come on to a site forum that is specifically targeted towards people in A/EA's???

[sadbuttrue]

on the topic at hand, i think that compliments are just that, compliments. no matter who it is you are talking to. you can give a MM a compliment without wanting to get in bed with them. and if you are in love with a MM, why wouldnt you compliment them like anyone else? just because the A is wrong? i am sorry but that really doesnt matter at this point.

[GreenEyedLady]

Brutal thread? I think this thread has some of the rudest comments on it I have seen on LS...if you aren't giving support or discussion with the intent to help others, I really think that posting in this section is not a good idea...

 

This forum has a purpose and the purpose is not to degrade or disrespect others...if you feel by someone's mere existence that they are not worthy of respect, there's other forums here that you can post in...and my thoughts are reserved for those on this forum who have not posted in the spirit of LS...(I'm sure you know who you are...)

[Impudent Oyster]

Oh yes, now that you've made it so crystal clear, I absolutely agree that when the OW tells her MM that he is a great kisser that she's just being honest, afterall, he deserves an honest compliment from her, especially since his wife probably never tells him what a great kisser he is.

 

Thank god he has the OW to stroke his e--err, to honestly compliment him I mean.

[bullhunter]

Back to the topic....

 

Yes, I think that one of the reasons people (men or women) have affairs is to have their ego boosted. I don't think they go into it saying "I want my ego boosted", but rather because the OP says nice things to them, usually when they are at a low spot for some reason.

 

If the affair continues or even grows into the primary relationship it's still because of that at least partly. People want to be with those who treat them well. Being treated well, or treating others well doesn't have to be a manipulation tactic.

 

Hearing nice things about yourself is an ego boost. That doesn't make it bad.

[Impudent Oyster]

Back to the topic....

 

Yes, I think that one of the reasons people (men or women) have affairs is to have their ego boosted. I don't think they go into it saying "I want my ego boosted", but rather because the OP says nice things to them, usually when they are at a low spot for some reason.

 

If the affair continues or even grows into the primary relationship it's still because of that at least partly. People want to be with those who treat them well. Being treated well, or treating others well doesn't have to be a manipulation tactic.

 

Hearing nice things about yourself is an ego boost. That doesn't make it bad.

 

Of course it's an ego boost...you should have seen the BS OW spouted to my H, looking back now, he can't keep a straight face, he's like " What was I thinking listening to her lines?" He's so embarrassed.

 

It sounded like something from a jr. high romance novel, "I could get lost in your eyes", "I want to taste your lips" "I want to soar with you through the night". No, I'm not kidding, she really wrote this stuff.

[Tomcat33]

Oh yes, now that you've made it so crystal clear, I absolutely agree that when the OW tells her MM that he is a great kisser that she's just being honest, afterall, he deserves an honest compliment from her, especially since his wife probably never tells him what a great kisser he is.

 

.

 

The sad reality is that she probably doesn't anymore. just as he no longer compliments her.

[Tomcat33]

Of course it's an ego boost...you should have seen the BS OW spouted to my H, looking back now, he can't keep a straight face, he's like " What was I thinking listening to her lines?" He's so embarrassed.

 

It sounded like something from a jr. high romance novel, "I could get lost in your eyes", "I want to taste your lips" "I want to soar with you through the night". No, I'm not kidding, she really wrote this stuff.

 

 

Well you should see the stuff your H told her, but you'll never know that because he will NEVER come clean and tell you exactly what was said/ done/felt/ with this woman. I'm certain he said his share of things and at the time it really did feel that way. And another thing, he may "act all embarassed" now but he loved every minute of it while it was happening and those memories will stay with him forever. TRUST me on this one.

[Impudent Oyster]

Well you should see the stuff your H told her, but you'll never know that because he will NEVER come clean and tell you exactly what was said/ done/felt/ with this woman. .

 

Actually TomKat, you couldn't be more wrong, you see I have seen what he said to her, and it was fairly innocuous, I read all their emails. Hers were hilarious by the way...they reaked of desperation

 

Oh and, I practically begged him to go and be with her, but he wouldn't hear of it. I can't imagine why he didn't want to soar with her 24/7...

[Impudent Oyster]

The sad reality is that she probably doesn't anymore. just as he no longer compliments her.

 

Wrong again toots...

[HappyAtLast]

Impudent Oyster...

 

Trust me when I tell you that you were absolutely not privvy to all that went on between your H and his OW, despite what you may think.

 

However, I am curious about another thing.... you say you "begged him" to go and be with his OW. Aren't you in the least bit bothered that your husband risked your marriage to be with someone else, risked you, potentially your health, the well-being of your family (presuming you have one) and pretty much everything else in your life for such a pathetic creature with whom he had no intention of making a future?

[Tomcat33]

Impudent Oyster...

 

Trust me when I tell you that you were absolutely not privvy to all that went on between your H and his OW, despite what you may think.

 

However, I am curious about another thing.... you say you "begged him" to go and be with his OW. Aren't you in the least bit bothered that your husband risked your marriage to be with someone else, risked you, potentially your health, the well-being of your family (presuming you have one) and pretty much everything else in your life for such a pathetic creature with whom he had no intention of making a future?

 

Seriously!! Great point. I guess Impundent Oyster feels like she got the "prize" in the end and that after he lied to her right to her face to be with the OW that he is being totally honest with her about what he said to her and how he really felt. The reality is she will NEVER know what the truth was because he hides the truth from her. Her husband may be recovered for the time being but give it a few more years and he'll be right back at the same point again only because he now knows for certain he CAN get away with it.

 

Talk about desperation....seriously IO are you in any position to be calling the kettle black?

I guess if you call living a life of doubt and watching your back for the rest of your days with your cheating H, living, then suit yourself. He'll find another woman to "stroke his ego"sooner or later. If that'what he was getting out of it...

[NoIDidn't]

Seriously. Where is the rudeness? All I see is honest opinions of what the flattery used to try and convince some married guy that his OW is the better bargain than the W he already has. That's rude? Then you have no idea of what rude really is.

 

And desperation? Puhlease!!! If IO feels that her H is a prize, then he is to her. I'm sure if the OW was here tooting her horn about how she got her "happily ever after" there would be high fives all around.

 

But wait, this IS the OW board. Still married, whether happily, struggling, emotionally distant, or whatever is simply not allowed here. Here we do NOT want intrusions from reality - polite or otherwise.

[GreenEyedLady]

Maybe the rudest posts mysteriously disappeared?

 

You're right is the OW board...Maybe people shouldn't be shocked with what is written when they notice the title?

 

Or maybe that's just a little TOO much reality for them...

[bullhunter]

Well you should see the stuff your H told her, but you'll never know that because he will NEVER come clean and tell you exactly what was said/ done/felt/ with this woman. I'm certain he said his share of things and at the time it really did feel that way. And another thing, he may "act all embarassed" now but he loved every minute of it while it was happening and those memories will stay with him forever. TRUST me on this one.

 

TC, this is not true - not even close to true. There are a number of men who don't fall into the category you describe here. Many men, of whom I am one, do come totally clean with their wives after they realize what they may lose, what they have almost thrown away. If a man really wants to mend the marriage and bring it back to it's former trust coming clean must be complete.

 

And another thing. A man can make a mistake, a BAD mistake. When he realizes what he has done he is not "acting all embarassed". He is completely desolated by what he has done. The memories unfortunately will stay with him for a long time. His memory of his betrayal. His memory of the his shattered wife at her discovery. His memory of the honor he used to have. But memories of the OW? They disappear so fast. If you think that any man treasures the memory of his most dismal failure, his failure of honor, you need a better view of reality.

 

TRUST me on that.

[Tomcat33]

Impudent Oyster...

 

Trust me when I tell you that you were absolutely not privvy to all that went on between your H and his OW, despite what you may think.

 

However, I am curious about another thing.... you say you "begged him" to go and be with his OW. Aren't you in the least bit bothered that your husband risked your marriage to be with someone else, risked you, potentially your health, the well-being of your family (presuming you have one) and pretty much everything else in your life for such a pathetic creature with whom he had no intention of making a future?

 

Seriously!! Great point. I guess Impundent Oyster feels like she got the "prize" in the end and that after he lied to her right to her face to be with the OW that he is being totally honest with her about what he said to her and how he really felt. The reality is she will NEVER know what the truth was because he hides the truth from her. Her husband may be recovered for the time being but give it a few more years and he'll be right back at the same point again only because he now knows for certain he CAN get away with it.

 

Talk about desperation....seriously IO are you in any position to be calling the kettle black?

I guess if you call living a life of doubt and watching your back for the rest of your days with your cheating H, living, then suit yourself. He'll find another woman to "stroke his ego"sooner or later. If that'what he was getting out of it...

[NoIDidn't]

Maybe they disappeared because somebody smart reported them instead of complaining about them only in the thread?

 

But you are right about one thing; the reality goes both ways. It is simply incomprehensible to some people to be the OP, let alone talk about it. Not a dig. It IS surprising to read much of what is said on an OW/OM board. Not just BSs either.

 

So again. I didn't see rudeness. But I guess the more thin-skinned among us did.

[Tomcat33]

TC, this is not true - not even close to true. There are a number of men who don't fall into the category you describe here. Many men, of whom I am one, do come totally clean with their wives after they realize what they may lose, what they have almost thrown away. If a man really wants to mend the marriage and bring it back to it's former trust coming clean must be complete.

 

And another thing. A man can make a mistake, a BAD mistake. When he realizes what he has done he is not "acting all embarassed". He is completely desolated by what he has done. The memories unfortunately will stay with him for a long time. His memory of his betrayal. His memory of the his shattered wife at her discovery. His memory of the honor he used to have. But memories of the OW? They disappear so fast. If you think that any man treasures the memory of his most dismal failure, his failure of honor, you need a better view of reality.

 

TRUST me on that.

 

Oh I'm certain there are exceptions like in anything in life, there always are. You are one of them, but let me tell you if there were true feelings involved like in many cases which the marriage was on the rocks and the A turns out to be a lengthy emotional one, those feelings don't go away and neither do the memories. All you have to do is read the posts in this very board of OW who have been in no contact for months or years on end and their exMM come sniffing around to see how the women are wanting to see if they could start up again. Im sorry but if you are completely done with the OW and the feelings and memories vanished then why do try to contact after such a long time of no contact?

 

I'll tell you why, because unlike yourself who chose to learn from your mistake (and only you know what prompted you to cheat and what you actually felt for the OW) those men never frogot the OW and they still have feelings.

 

Each case is different, so to make blanket statements either way is foolish really. We simply cannot speak for everyone.

[annabelle75]

Of course it's an ego boost...you should have seen the BS OW spouted to my H, looking back now, he can't keep a straight face, he's like " What was I thinking listening to her lines?" He's so embarrassed.

 

It sounded like something from a jr. high romance novel, "I could get lost in your eyes", "I want to taste your lips" "I want to soar with you through the night". No, I'm not kidding, she really wrote this stuff.

 

The fact that you and your H get a kick out of reading emails his OW sent him together is disturbing on so many levels.

 

I don't even know where to start

[NoIDidn't]

NT - this isn't anything to do with you personally, just the question asked.

 

I don't understand the point of the OP. I don't get why the OP doesn't see the compliments as ego-stroking. Compliments ARE ego-stroking, no matter the consequences of getting them. And IRL, I LOVE to get my ego-stroked. So I can understand how "positive reinforcement" can become addictive - especially if you aren't getting it where it matters most.

 

In a marriage, its common for life to get in the way and for the compliments to cease, on the part of both parties. Those that decide to cheat often don't like the *them* that is portrayed in the eyes of their spouse. So they seek someone that doesn't share an everyday existence with them to make them feel better about themselves.

 

I am speaking generally as MOST As don't end in a D and re-M to the AP.

 

Most OPs hear negative things about the BS and complimentary things about themselves in comparison. The MP strokes the OP's ego too. It goes both ways, for the same reason, but with different intentions. Neither wants the R to end (at that moment anyway), but one of them wants the other to leave someone to be with them - since their complimentary ways make them the *better* choice.

 

Not to start an argument, as I don't hang around for those. Its just that it is so common here for an OP to wonder when the MP is going to leave that lousy BS because the OP is so much better suited to the MP. They get along so much better. The MP even says so.

 

Ego stroking is part and parcel of affairs. Whether one calls what they do ego-stroking or just being honest matters not. You both are getting your ego stroked, otherwise you wouldn't be in the R. Why take risks to be with someone that doesn't give you something desirable in return (make you feel good, and feel good about yourself)?

[Tomcat33]

The fact that you and your H get a kick out of reading emails his OW sent him together is disturbing on so many levels.

 

I don't even know where to start

 

Completely agree! I think IO doesn't realise the joke is really on her...unfortunately. What kind of a low life engages in an extramarital affair only to end up mocking the OW with his W when he is done.

He can be done with the A but why stoop to mocking the OW with the W. Sorry to say IO but you got yourself a "real winner" don't you! Not only does he have no scruples whatsoever, he has 0 class. And you think you won in the end? Yikes!

 

If I ended up with a married man who on top of it mocked and bad mouthed his ex I'd want no part of him, that is just so lacking in respect for himself in SO many ways.

 

All I could say for the OW in that situation is GOOD RIDDANCE to that.

[lovernotafighter]

Impudent Oyster and Ruby Tuesday

 

you both attempt to disarm and infuriate people regularly by attempting to mock and humiliate them. however your visible anger and emotional bitterness are strategically counterproductive. both of your spectacles you try to verbally produce are nor striking or radiant. you can dazzle no one with wit.

 

how embarrassing.

 

and honestly all of you jumping on the crybaby IO & RT band wagon looks equally laughable. if life's such a peach move on already.

[Tomcat33]

NT - this isn't anything to do with you personally, just the question asked.

 

I don't understand the point of the OP. I don't get why the OP doesn't see the compliments as ego-stroking. Compliments ARE ego-stroking, no matter the consequences of getting them. And IRL, I LOVE to get my ego-stroked. So I can understand how "positive reinforcement" can become addictive - especially if you aren't getting it where it matters most.

 

In a marriage, its common for life to get in the way and for the compliments to cease, on the part of both parties. Those that decide to cheat often don't like the *them* that is portrayed in the eyes of their spouse. So they seek someone that doesn't share an everyday existence with them to make them feel better about themselves.

 

I am speaking generally as MOST As don't end in a D and re-M to the AP.

 

Most OPs hear negative things about the BS and complimentary things about themselves in comparison. The MP strokes the OP's ego too. It goes both ways, for the same reason, but with different intentions. Neither wants the R to end (at that moment anyway), but one of them wants the other to leave someone to be with them - since their complimentary ways make them the *better* choice.

 

Not to start an argument, as I don't hang around for those. Its just that it is so common here for an OP to wonder when the MP is going to leave that lousy BS because the OP is so much better suited to the MP. They get along so much better. The MP even says so.

 

Ego stroking is part and parcel of affairs. Whether one calls what they do ego-stroking or just being honest matters not. You both are getting your ego stroked, otherwise you wouldn't be in the R. Why take risks to be with someone that doesn't give you something desirable in return (make you feel good, and feel good about yourself)?

 

I can totally see what you are saying, and I may go as far as saying I would agree that prehaps complimenting and ego stroking are in fact one in the same.

 

And I especially took note of what you said "ego stroking is part and parcel of affairs" and I would ask, isn't ego stroking part and parcel of new relationships period? Isn't that how all romantic relationships develop? Isn't that how friendships even develop? Through admiration, ego stroking and woooing? If we take a hard look at any type of relationship that developes between two human beings, it is very much based on all those things at the very beginning otherwise interest would never be brought forth and there would be no chance for the afinity to grow.

 

So if we can say every relationship starts off like that, why is it that when a MP courts an OP or vs/vsa it is considered a tactic of sorts, the paying of compliments to gain and utlerior motive? In some cases I'm sure it

is nothing but a tactic (in the case of the serial cheaters and players I'm sure it is) but in other cases it's nothing less than a romantic relationship taking its natural course. So the vested interests of the people engaging in the A are really no different than the vested interest of two single people going though courtship, that is to win each other's love over.