Author NearlyThere Posted May 22, 2007 Author Posted May 22, 2007 I really think that an OW would consider it just being nice and honest, no matter what..... Someone else already said it. Its really about the person you are doing it to. It may very well be a true and honest statement. But if the person you are saying it to is known to have a significant other/W/H, then you are just being gratuitous and flirty. You wouldn't want someone telling your H or W that they are a great kisser, would you? Hell, you would wonder why they even know that they are a great kisser. That's the difference. There is a way to compliment the married without coming off as flirting. But when you are telling a man you know to be married that they are a great kisser, its seems pretty obvious that you have already crossed quite a few lines, IMO. Yeah, I can see where your coming from and I agree that saying things like you have great eyes etc, as being flirty and is not something you would say to a random MM. However I was talking more, about why do people consider me saying these things as ego stroking and not being complimentary to someone I am involved with. I dont say things that are not true, I dont side with him if I dont agree with him just to make him feel better, they are what I consider ego stroking. NT
Author NearlyThere Posted May 22, 2007 Author Posted May 22, 2007 Hmmm ... how could anyone trust that this remark isn't ego stroking, or patronizing??? I can see why you might think that, lol, however, it was purely because this board is so volatile at times, I like to try and make sure people cannot misconstrue what I have said, if you look thru most of my posts, I usually say something along those lines. Alas though, you managed, lol.
Author NearlyThere Posted May 22, 2007 Author Posted May 22, 2007 This is hilarious Oyster, you're scolding NearlyThere for telling a married man that he's a great kisser? She kissed him dummy! You're worked up over what she told him afterward. Nearlythere, next time just kiss him and don't stroke his ego. What else did you stroke?[/quote] No comment. lol.
Author NearlyThere Posted May 22, 2007 Author Posted May 22, 2007 I really think that a BS would most likley consider it ego-stroking, no matter what... But I think the difference between ego-stroking and honesty is the intent...are you saying something so that your value to someone increases or are you saying something that is genuinely heart-felt... It always feels good for someone to compliment you...but are they complimenting you to get something or do they really mean it? I think that's the difference... I don't consider myself an ego-stroker...but I give credit where credit is due...and when you're in a R with someone, they have traits that you admire, so why wouldn't you tell the person you love, exactly what you love about them? Yeah that was what I was trying to say, I dont give out BS and I'm not a sycophant, in fact they are a couple of the traits I dislike most about people and its probably why I would not get promoted very high within a company because I am not a yes woman, just to make myself look good. If I say something to someone I mean it, no matter who it is with no ulterior motive. NT
Author NearlyThere Posted May 22, 2007 Author Posted May 22, 2007 This is hilarious Oyster, you're scolding NearlyThere for telling a married man that he's a great kisser? She kissed him dummy! You're worked up over what she told him afterward. quote] Duh..I KNOW she kissed him, and probably screwed him too, my point is, how can a person come to a public message board for advice about how her comments to a married man are perceived. She has no business commenting on, kissing, flirting, etc. with him. What difference does it make if she's stroking his ego or genuinely complimenting him, IT'S NOT HER PLACE. The fact that she feels justified in even asking the question and that people are giving said question consideration says it all. That's what's really wrong here, that people are even thinking about how her comments are intended rather than the fact that she made them in the first place. Nearly there, until he's divorced, stop making personal comments period. Then you won't have to worry about whether you're stroking his ego (you are). Oh and, keep your hands (and lips) off him too. OK, yes this is a public message board, however it is one for OW/OM: The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner: So as I actually meet that criteria, why should i not be justified to post on this particular board about this subject. People who are committing infidelity can post on the infidelity board, people who take drugs or suffer from some kind of addiction can post on a board for them. So what you are saying is then the OW/OM forum should be shut down on LS? Perhaps you should write to the mods and let them know. Ok so you feel I am stroking his ego, thanks for your opinion, I appreciate you taking the time to give me your POV. However personally, I cant see that me saying nice things to someone, if I genuinely mean it and has no ulterior motive is ego stroking, again though that is my opinion. If I wanted to go ego stroking I would have the opportunity, on the odd occassion he will say something his W has said and if I agree with what she has said to him, I will say, well I agree with her, not you, if I was an ego stroker, I could quite easily say, oh yes your right, she is wrong, she is so terrible to you blah blah. That is what I class as ego stroking. NT
Author NearlyThere Posted May 22, 2007 Author Posted May 22, 2007 Exactly. What I don't get is how you have no shame about what you're doing. How does one go through life without shame, I wonder? Did you not have parents to teach you right from wrong? How's that for a question. Now you are being insulting, of course I had parents and yes they did teach me right from wrong. If they thought it was right, I would tell my mum but even at 84 she would tell me what I am doing is wrong, my dad died a few years ago, but I know he would say the same thing, even though I was daddies girl. If you have the time, please read thru my posts and find where I have ever said I think what I am doing is right. I would be surprised if you find one, you are assuming that I feel no shame, of course I do to a certain degree, otherwise I would go around broadcasting it to all and sundry I am in A but I dont. The only people who know are my good friends and they dont tell me I'm right either. From my first post I have said I am trying to get out, its not a healthy situation. I certainly dont go to bed at night congratulating myself on having an A and potentionally ruining the lives of other people. Is that what you think ALL OW do, maybe the odd ones, but not the majority. I am very unhappy with my situation, however now I am in, getting out seems more painful, yes I do know I got here of my own accord. However I will get there. I used to think LS was a place to come, but I dont very often post here about what is going on in my R at the mo because other people have defeated its purpose, but I dont want to start that argument up again. NT PS the answer to GregsBad question was just supposed to be a jokey answer like the question was a jokey question.
Tomcat33 Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 I don't see it as ego stroking I see it as what happens naturally when two people are in the infatuation or "courtship" phase of a relationship. It's the kind of thing the MM used to do for and hear from his W at one point way back but no longer does or hears it at home, so it's refreshing to get that attention again from someone new. It's natural it would be seen as ego stroking by the spouse, she/he's prob moved on to pointing out the faults in the H/W as opposed to the great qualities that attracted them in the first place. Unfortunately, that's what happens in ltrs, LOL
Ruby Tuesday Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 I agree with IO. You're banging a married man and then ask if it's right or wrong (to rationalize) flattering him? Isn't that the whole idea? Oh MM youre soo beautiful... even your farts smell like roses to me, MM.
Author NearlyThere Posted May 22, 2007 Author Posted May 22, 2007 I agree with IO. You're banging a married man and then ask if it's right or wrong (to rationalize) flattering him? Isn't that the whole idea? Oh MM youre soo beautiful... even your farts smell like roses to me, MM. Oh, but in case you have forgotten the OW never get to see or to have a true whole relationship with the MM as its not the real thing so therefore I cant comment on his farts because farting only happens when its a real relationship!!! Would you like to explain further what you mean by the whole idea is for me to flatter him? Do you think that I think I have to flatter him to get him to stay with me? NT
Jinxx Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 Oh, but in case you have forgotten the OW never get to see or to have a true whole relationship with the MM as its not the real thing so therefore I cant comment on his farts because farting only happens when its a real relationship!!! NT Not with my XMM! He farts and outside of living in his household, I've seen just about every bad habit the man has. Never bothered me one bit.
Author NearlyThere Posted May 22, 2007 Author Posted May 22, 2007 Not with my XMM! He farts and outside of living in his household, I've seen just about every bad habit the man has. Never bothered me one bit. yeah, I do get most of the bad bits as well, lol, the reply was just meant to be a bit tongue in cheek. NT
IfWishesWereHorses Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 she/he's prob moved on to pointing out the faults in the H/W as opposed to the great qualities that attracted them in the first place. You mean like the fact that he is a self serving, lying, phillanderer. Now you can bet OW doesn't remind him of that. Not til its over anyway, THEN she'll be willing to go as far as to rat him out! Some faults are kinda hard to work around!!!
Tomcat33 Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 she/he's prob moved on to pointing out the faults in the H/W as opposed to the great qualities that attracted them in the first place. You mean like the fact that he is a self serving, lying, phillanderer. Now you can bet OW doesn't remind him of that. Not til its over anyway, THEN she'll be willing to go as far as to rat him out! Some faults are kinda hard to work around!!! Well techincally he is only doing all of that to the W, not the OW. The OW knows all about what he is doing...so if he still a liar or self serving in her eyes?
IfWishesWereHorses Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 He is by definition of his R with her a liar and a cheater, the fact that he is lying and cheating with her and not on her does not change his character. So you don't consider someone a theif unless they steal from you, well probably not if they are sharing the booty (pun intended) with you. Its not a fault unless it affects you? To get back on topic, the OW by definition of her R with MM is ego stroking. The fact that she will knowingly accept her place in the triangle says that she is willing to put her self second for his happiness even though she knows the situation is detrimental to all involved. WOW, he most be pretty special for someone to do that. That's an ego stroke by action rather than words and a powerful one at that. Its an expensive one too, to everyone involved.
Author NearlyThere Posted May 22, 2007 Author Posted May 22, 2007 she/he's prob moved on to pointing out the faults in the H/W as opposed to the great qualities that attracted them in the first place. You mean like the fact that he is a self serving, lying, phillanderer. Now you can bet OW doesn't remind him of that. Not til its over anyway, THEN she'll be willing to go as far as to rat him out! Some faults are kinda hard to work around!!! IFWH, I dont quite see how your post is an direct answer to my original question as to what constitutes being nice or ego stroking, unless your replying to another post, however I get the first part could possibly be saying, do I point out his faults as well as his good bits, well yes I do and as far as his W's faults I dont know what they would be as what he tells me could either be a lie or an exaggeration of the truth, However to be fair he very rarely points out faults with his W, I dont ask as I am fully aware that. He just says its more the fact that she has changed since he first met her and no longer seems to be the woman he met and decided to marry. Of course this could be due to being with him and he acknowledges that. Also he does call himself a liar and a cheat, of course that could just be him saying something to try and get me on side. Anyway thats all getting a bit off topic. NT
Author NearlyThere Posted May 22, 2007 Author Posted May 22, 2007 He is by definition of his R with her a liar and a cheater, the fact that he is lying and cheating with her and not on her does not change his character. So you don't consider someone a theif unless they steal from you, well probably not if they are sharing the booty (pun intended) with you. Its not a fault unless it affects you? To get back on topic, the OW by definition of her R with MM is ego stroking. The fact that she will knowingly accept her place in the triangle says that she is willing to put her self second for his happiness even though she knows the situation is detrimental to all involved. WOW, he most be pretty special for someone to do that. That's an ego stroke by action rather than words and a powerful one at that. Its an expensive one too, to everyone involved. Ok thanks for your reply, I have seen this one after the other one I replied to, a very good reply it is, and i'm not being snarky. Actions rather than words, I can see that fully how that could be considered ego stroking, I really can agree with this. NT
sadbuttrue Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 i do not believe i "ego-stroke" MM. i think it has more to do with, like someone else said, the fact that is what happens in the beginning of Rs, even "unreal" ones. he says nice things to me, and i tell him what i think of him. love tends to blind people to a lot of another's faults as well. as far as the OW thinking of MM as a liar and cheater, i think most would hope that he is not lying and cheating on them. for some reason sleeping with the W doesnt count as cheating to most OW. but if another OW was in the picture that would be cheating. i know that MM is lying and cheating on his W to be with me, i guess that somehow makes it more acceptable? it is all very confusing and upsetting.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 NT, Yes, that was a reply to TC's post, second part shouldn't have been (wasn't on reply screen) bolded. Continuation of the "it's the wifes fault he cheats" theme which is absolutely off topic.
Ruby Tuesday Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 Do you think that I think I have to flatter him to get him to stay with me? No Duh. But I'm pretty sure that's not the *only* thing you have to do to get him stay with you
sadbuttrue Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 No Duh. But I'm pretty sure that's not the *only* thing you have to do to get him stay with you ruby, i think that is totally uncalled for!!!
NoOneKnows Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 DITTO. From a new member. That was not very nice if I may say so.
Impudent Oyster Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 From my first post I have said I am trying to get out, its not a healthy situation. I certainly dont go to bed at night congratulating myself on having an A and potentionally ruining the lives of other people. Is that what you think ALL OW do, maybe the odd ones, but not the majority. I am very unhappy with my situation, however now I am in, getting out seems more painful, yes I do know I got here of my own accord. I wasn't born yesterday sweetheart, I know exactly what you're doing, shall I spell it out for you? This whole BS question is trying to prove that you have no ulterior motive, that you're just an innocent, honest, sweet girl who is paying a man a compliment he deserves.....BALONEY. If you really wanted out of your "situation", you'd tell MM that you don't sleep with married men and to call you when he's divorced, you would not waste your time trying to prove that you aren't stroking his ego. You really aren't getting it, are you? You have no right to even contemplate the motives of your compliments. You shouldn't even be complimenting him in the first place, it's innapropriate. If some guy says to a married woman that she has a great ass, does it really matter that he said it because she really has a great ass or that he just wants to get into her pants? Either way, he's out of line and so are you.
sadbuttrue Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 IO, i do not think that NT has any hidden motives here. you are the one that does not get it. it is very difficult to be involved with a MM. and once you are in, it is extremely hard to get out of it. at least she sees that she needs to get out. no one here thinks that being with a MM/MW is appropriate, but i am sorry to say that these things do happen, and that is why we are all here.
Impudent Oyster Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 it is very difficult to be involved with a MM. and once you are in, it is extremely hard to get out of it. quote] It's difficult to get involved with a MM? It's actually very easy, I got hit on by more MM than I can count, but I found it very easy to say "No thanks, you're married". I am very curious as to why it's so hard to get out of a relationship that no one knows about, isn't legal, has no commitment tying you to it and is illicit. I would think it would be a snap to get out of...seriously, why not just remind mm that he's MARRIED. I don't think you need anymore of an excuse than that. A MM has zero reason to expect that you should keep being his woman on the side, most women wouldn't agree to it, why should you?
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