NearlyThere Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 There is a lot written on this forum about ego stroking, in particular that MM/MW are into their OW/OM because of all the ego stroking that they do. So where is the dividing line between ego stroking and just saying nice/honest things. Eg. I say to him, your a great kisser, well he is. You have lovely eyes, well he does. So do these kind of comments class as ego stroking or just saying something nice which is truthfull as well? On a side note I would never say something I didnt believe was true or agree with something either.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 I don't know that its WHAT you say that constitutes ego stroking as much as the fact that you cared to say and can be counted on to say them.
directx Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 Yeah, I have been accused of ego stroking, both in emails outside here and PM's in here, when that is not my intention, just stating the facts and how I feel. It just might be degrees of honesty that people arent used to on here that get mistaken for ego stroking. Its interesting to see how the people react that accuse you of ego stroking. A better and creating technique is to bury compliments into a sentence talking about something else. Instead of 'You really have nice eyes', go with 'I really like that jacket you wore. They went well with your eyes and you should consider that color more often.' or something like that.
Author NearlyThere Posted May 21, 2007 Author Posted May 21, 2007 I don't know that its WHAT you say that constitutes ego stroking as much as the fact that you cared to say and can be counted on to say them. Ok, and I'm not trying to be start an argument here or anything, Im just interested in this, so what your saying is, the fact that I care about him enough to say it, it strokes his ego? Can be counted on to say them? So he expects me to say that kind of thing because of who I am? Do you think that generally MM expect their OW to stroke their ego? Do you think they are aware of the ego stroking and perceive it as such or is just a feel good feeling? Is feeling good about what someone has said to you mean that your ego is inflated? Is that bad? I feel good about myself if someone says, oh your hair looks nice today, so what does that make me? Are they massaging my ego for some other purpose than just making a nice comment? I could understand if he was to say, what do you think of my eyes, and then I was to say, I think you have lovely eyes, then then that would be classed as ego stroking. I have said to SG's you have lovely eyes, is that then ego stroking? I suppose I just believe in paying people compliments, whether the MM, friend, colleague, if they are appropriate, I dont mean over the top, but just oh you did a good job on that, etc. Perhaps I'm just a ego stroking junkie, lol.
directx Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 Yeah, if you lay it on thick or every conversation with no real basis, its just comes off as sugar coating and patronizing. Like I said before, mix it in with the conversation. Its much smoother and has more effect than you might think.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 I'm a little confused but I don't consider ego stoking something that is necissarily insidious or manipulative. I love to stroke the egos of my friends and family when it is deserved. That is how I love and support them. Also, on a completely different note, I was reviewing some management techniques particularly as they applied to turnover. Personal positive reinforcements, recognition and affirmations as opposed to monetary or even gifts of time off were actually considered more valuable in employee job satisfication and company loyalty. These affirmations would not be false, but are a type manipulations to an end but not in any evil way. Just that they are the means to insure that employees feel satisfied. I don't know why ego stroking has to be looked at as insideous. Met an older gentleman this weekend and raved about his beautiful yard. He went on for an hour. I had no underlying intentions. Did I benefit from it, well, yes, I received some very useful information, and a good feeling from letting him know how much I appreciated his efforts in his yard. I'm not sure if I missed something maybe from this weekend but yes, having your ego stroked is a powerful motivator I certainly enjoy time spent in the company of people who complement me!
Trialbyfire Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 I see nothing wrong with paying compliments when they are genuinely felt. It's when those compliments are not genuine and are intended to manipulate, that it bothers me. Also, there's a difference between supporting someone in their healthy pursuits versus supporting someone through negative pursuits. If you look at this solely from a friendship perspective, if my friend does something horrible, I won't say that I agree with it. What I will say is that I disagree with it, here's how it might be handled better but, depending on the situation, I still accept you as a friend. As to delivery of compliments, each person does it their own way. Too many people are afraid to compliment others. Say it if you mean it, in the way that's natural to you.
staystronggirl Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 I stroke my MM's ego because I know his wife doesnt. I feel like it gives me an "in". I'm writing this because I'm trying to leave him and i need to start being honest.
Author NearlyThere Posted May 21, 2007 Author Posted May 21, 2007 I'm a little confused but I don't consider ego stoking something that is necissarily insidious or manipulative. I love to stroke the egos of my friends and family when it is deserved. That is how I love and support them. Also, on a completely different note, I was reviewing some management techniques particularly as they applied to turnover. Personal positive reinforcements, recognition and affirmations as opposed to monetary or even gifts of time off were actually considered more valuable in employee job satisfication and company loyalty. These affirmations would not be false, but are a type manipulations to an end but not in any evil way. Just that they are the means to insure that employees feel satisfied. I don't know why ego stroking has to be looked at as insideous. Met an older gentleman this weekend and raved about his beautiful yard. He went on for an hour. I had no underlying intentions. Did I benefit from it, well, yes, I received some very useful information, and a good feeling from letting him know how much I appreciated his efforts in his yard. I'm not sure if I missed something maybe from this weekend but yes, having your ego stroked is a powerful motivator I certainly enjoy time spent in the company of people who complement me! Hi, very good points and I agree with you entirely, no you didn't miss anything at the weekend. lol. Well apart from me doing too much gardening. It was just something I have been thinking about as it gets bought up frequently on threads about OW massaging the MM's ego. So I was just wondering where the line was between compliments and ego stroking.
TogetherForever Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 It's all a matter of opinion here. One group will call it being nice & truthful while the other call it ego stroking.
Author NearlyThere Posted May 21, 2007 Author Posted May 21, 2007 I see nothing wrong with paying compliments when they are genuinely felt. It's when those compliments are not genuine and are intended to manipulate, that it bothers me. Also, there's a difference between supporting someone in their healthy pursuits versus supporting someone through negative pursuits. If you look at this solely from a friendship perspective, if my friend does something horrible, I won't say that I agree with it. What I will say is that I disagree with it, here's how it might be handled better but, depending on the situation, I still accept you as a friend. As to delivery of compliments, each person does it their own way. Too many people are afraid to compliment others. Say it if you mean it, in the way that's natural to you. Yep agree with you, as long as you mean what you say and do it with the best intentions and right reasons I cant see whats wrong with it. Funnily enough it was one of your comments about your exH (i think he's fully ex by now, sorry if i got it wrong) about his OW at the time saying something along the lines of how powerful he was to be able to fire someone and how you disagreed with it, think it was along those lines, that got me thinking further about this. Also as far as my friends go, they never encourage me in my current unhealthy pursuit, they always remind me of the pitfalls etc, which is how I know they are true friends. Likewise I do the same for them. I dont think I could change the way I say things, I would then have to think about it first, then rephrase it, then surely it would become more un-natural.
Trialbyfire Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 Yep agree with you, as long as you mean what you say and do it with the best intentions and right reasons I cant see whats wrong with it. Funnily enough it was one of your comments about your exH (i think he's fully ex by now, sorry if i got it wrong) about his OW at the time saying something along the lines of how powerful he was to be able to fire someone and how you disagreed with it, think it was along those lines, that got me thinking further about this. Also as far as my friends go, they never encourage me in my current unhealthy pursuit, they always remind me of the pitfalls etc, which is how I know they are true friends. Likewise I do the same for them. I dont think I could change the way I say things, I would then have to think about it first, then rephrase it, then surely it would become more un-natural. Yes, he's 99% ex. Waiting for the rubber stamp to arrive. Good. Then you have healthy relationships. If someone is relying on you to support them through either manipulation or support of the unhealthy, this isn't a good relationship, romantic or otherwise. People can disagree but still like, love and support each other.
Author NearlyThere Posted May 21, 2007 Author Posted May 21, 2007 Yeah, I have been accused of ego stroking, both in emails outside here and PM's in here, when that is not my intention, just stating the facts and how I feel. It just might be degrees of honesty that people arent used to on here that get mistaken for ego stroking. Its interesting to see how the people react that accuse you of ego stroking. A better and creating technique is to bury compliments into a sentence talking about something else. Instead of 'You really have nice eyes', go with 'I really like that jacket you wore. They went well with your eyes and you should consider that color more often.' or something like that. Yeah, I know what you mean about different perceptions, which is why I was asking the question what the line was between the 2. Dont know if I could change the way I say things. I tend to say you have lovely eyes when he is looking deep into mine. So dont think I could use the jacket comment then. lol.
Meaplus3 Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 There is a lot written on this forum about ego stroking, in particular that MM/MW are into their OW/OM because of all the ego stroking that they do. So where is the dividing line between ego stroking and just saying nice/honest things. Eg. I say to him, your a great kisser, well he is. You have lovely eyes, well he does. So do these kind of comments class as ego stroking or just saying something nice which is truthfull as well? On a side note I would never say something I didnt believe was true or agree with something either. I think that Ego stroking between a Married Woman and MM is simply wrong, especailly when a physical attraction exist's. This is how so many affair's start, my e/a is a good example! I don't think their is anything wrong with building up the ego of a family member or close friend. Just my thought's. AP:)
Author NearlyThere Posted May 21, 2007 Author Posted May 21, 2007 I think that Ego stroking between a Married Woman and MM is simply wrong, especailly when a physical attraction exist's. This is how so many affair's start, my e/a is a good example! I don't think their is anything wrong with building up the ego of a family member or close friend. Just my thought's. AP:) So what would you class as ego stroking as oppose to a genuine compliment between the two? This is what i'm trying to define. So you are saying that if a MM was to say to you, you did a good job working on that project, that would be ego stroking? Or is it applicable only to personal comments like, your perfume smells very nice. Also I'm not married, I'm single, I consider myself that way despite the MM, so do you think my comments come under ego stroking? BTW, not trying to start an argument just interested in your views/opinions.
Impudent Oyster Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 Eg. I say to him, your a great kisser, well he is. You have lovely eyes, well he does. So do these kind of comments class as ego stroking or just saying something nice which is truthfull as well? . Excuse me but, are you seriously saying that you are saying these things to a MARRIED MAN? Is it me or is this so incredibly innapropriate that I'm almost speechless. Yes, not only is it ego-stroking, it's wrong. These are not "nice" things to say to someone who has a wife, what's the matter with you, didn't anyone ever teach you right from wrong?
Impudent Oyster Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 I stroke my MM's ego because I know his wife doesnt. . You know NOTHING about what MM's wife does or doesn't do, or what she does or doesn't say, or what she does or doesn't stroke. You can bank on that. He's a liar, remember?
Meaplus3 Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 So what would you class as ego stroking as oppose to a genuine compliment between the two? This is what i'm trying to define. So you are saying that if a MM was to say to you, you did a good job working on that project, that would be ego stroking? Or is it applicable only to personal comments like, your perfume smells very nice. Also I'm not married, I'm single, I consider myself that way despite the MM, so do you think my comments come under ego stroking? BTW, not trying to start an argument just interested in your views/opinions. Well, I guess if you are single and giving compilment's to a another single person that would be just fine. However, if you are single and giving comlpiment's to someone that you know is in a comitted "R' then I think it would depend on your motivation with that person who is comitted. If you just like them as a friend then you would not say "you have lovely eyes", IMO that's hitting on them so to speak and sending a message that you want more than friendship from that person. If you don't mind me asking why did you ask this question? AP:)
GreenEyedLady Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 I really think that a BS would most likley consider it ego-stroking, no matter what... But I think the difference between ego-stroking and honesty is the intent...are you saying something so that your value to someone increases or are you saying something that is genuinely heart-felt... It always feels good for someone to compliment you...but are they complimenting you to get something or do they really mean it? I think that's the difference... I don't consider myself an ego-stroker...but I give credit where credit is due...and when you're in a R with someone, they have traits that you admire, so why wouldn't you tell the person you love, exactly what you love about them?
NoIDidn't Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 I really think that an OW would consider it just being nice and honest, no matter what..... Someone else already said it. Its really about the person you are doing it to. It may very well be a true and honest statement. But if the person you are saying it to is known to have a significant other/W/H, then you are just being gratuitous and flirty. You wouldn't want someone telling your H or W that they are a great kisser, would you? Hell, you would wonder why they even know that they are a great kisser. That's the difference. There is a way to compliment the married without coming off as flirting. But when you are telling a man you know to be married that they are a great kisser, its seems pretty obvious that you have already crossed quite a few lines, IMO.
GregsBad Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 BTW, ... just interested in your views/opinions. Hmmm ... how could anyone trust that this remark isn't ego stroking, or patronizing???
GregsBad Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 Excuse me but, are you seriously saying that you are saying these things to a MARRIED MAN? Is it me or is this so incredibly innapropriate that I'm almost speechless. Yes, not only is it ego-stroking, it's wrong. These are not "nice" things to say to someone who has a wife, what's the matter with you, didn't anyone ever teach you right from wrong? This is hilarious Oyster, you're scolding NearlyThere for telling a married man that he's a great kisser? She kissed him dummy! You're worked up over what she told him afterward. Nearlythere, next time just kiss him and don't stroke his ego. What else did you stroke?
InaPanic Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 I actually like to call the reason i had my affair 'ego tripping' Anyway...yes, yes, yes, i cannot stress enough how much i think i got drawn into my affair because my OM said some of the most wonderful, loving, & beautiful things to me. It was like an addiction to me, like my 'fix' each day to talk to him & hear the way he'd talk about me & us. Was i ego tripping? Hell yes! Once i figured this part out it has really helped in opening my eyes as to why i did what i did. Not saying it's the same for everyone by any means. BTW, read the lyrics to the song Ego Tripping at the Gates of Hell....i think it could apply to someone in the position of WS or OM/OW as well.
Author NearlyThere Posted May 22, 2007 Author Posted May 22, 2007 Well, I guess if you are single and giving compilment's to a another single person that would be just fine. However, if you are single and giving comlpiment's to someone that you know is in a comitted "R' then I think it would depend on your motivation with that person who is comitted. If you just like them as a friend then you would not say "you have lovely eyes", IMO that's hitting on them so to speak and sending a message that you want more than friendship from that person. If you don't mind me asking why did you ask this question? AP:) Thanks for your reply. Only reason for asking was just what people consider the line between ego stroking and just being complimentary, just an interesting subject not really thought much about before. There is a lot of talk on this board about OW stroking the MM's ego so then I went on to think about the whole concept of ego stroking or compliments and that I do give them to people in general, female work colleages, nice top etc. So does that class as ego stroking or being complimentary, because if someone says to me thats a nice top, it makes me feel good. However with the kind of clothes I wear not very likely to happen, lol. I just used the "lovely eyes" as an example, yes, I agree saying it to someone in a committed realtionship could be classed as flirting with them, however, I said this after I was involved, not as a line to hit on him. The line that started it all off was a lot more innocuous than that. NT
Author NearlyThere Posted May 22, 2007 Author Posted May 22, 2007 Excuse me but, are you seriously saying that you are saying these things to a MARRIED MAN? Is it me or is this so incredibly innapropriate that I'm almost speechless. Yes, not only is it ego-stroking, it's wrong. These are not "nice" things to say to someone who has a wife, what's the matter with you, didn't anyone ever teach you right from wrong? Well its not just any married man I picked randomly off the street is it. I have been involved with him for a fair while now so dont see why it would be considered inappropriate. Of course I was taught right from wrong, dont think anyone has ever said saying nice things to people is wrong.
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