Fr0mT1me2T1me Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 Like many people here, I think my story is unique, but I know it's not, and I really hope it's not. I was with her for 3 years, was 23 when we broked up, and took the breakup extremely hard. I went through the typical emotions and cycles. Thinking about her every minute, which turned to every hour, down to everyday....you get the point. I'd say about 2 years later, I was "moving on". The daily tears had stopped. I was feeling healthy, having a good times with friends, dating, etc. I told myself I didn't want life to pass me by, so I didn't let it. I finished school, got a great job, bought a home, sold it, bought another one. Throughout that time span, I dated - some long term, some short term. I finally settled down and got married years later. My problem is I can still get into a "funk" when she pops into my head, and always did throughout that span of time. I know many people are going to burn me and say that I shouldn't have gotten married, and that I'm not being "true" to my wife and myself, and then I hear the "you gotta move on". So, which is it? I've moved on, but I can't control when I feel down when memories come to mind. Here's the kicker...it's been 10 years since we broke up. Was I supposed to wait until I never had a sad feeling about her before I moved on with my life?
InvisibleTouch Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 Hi, I think what you are experiencing is quite normal. Past loves will always have a special place in our hearts and revisiting those thoughts is inevitable and natural. Dont repress those memories but equally remember that the relationship ended for a reason. It is great to remember the good aspects of what has been but try and remember the bad aspects as well. If you can do that then you will reach a balanced view. Empathy is one of the most important aspects in any relationship. As it stands you now have someone in your life who you have committed to who needs to hear that you love her. Dont lose sight of that!
Author Fr0mT1me2T1me Posted May 22, 2007 Author Posted May 22, 2007 Thank you so much for your response and your point of view. I don't think there is one answer that can categorize someone's feelings. But, yours is quite comforting knowing someone out there understands what I'm going through. I have a hard time understanding why I still feel so strongly after 10 years of being broken up. But, little blurbs like yours helps me to try and put things into perspective. Again, thank you so much for taking the time to respond.
MagnoliaJane Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 I have a hard time understanding why I still feel so strongly after 10 years of being broken up Memories can be a strong sources of emotions. And they are important. But please also look at them from another angle. They are memories. Just that. Nothing less, but also nothing more. Not real life as you live it today but the ghost of your fantasies or illusions. Remember that there is at least always one good reason why past relationships are in the past. I'm not saying you should discard those memories. But having them doesn't necessarily means that something is missing from your current life. Maybe they can also be a reminder of things not completely dealt with. It would be worthwhile to look deeper into them. Maybe there's a missing piece of you there, instead of a missing person. I have no idea whether I am making any sense, just reflecting...
Lizzie60 Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 I think it's quite normal. Anyway, I don't think you have much control over those memories... a lot of things can bring memories back with the raw emotions.. I'm thinking about a song, smell of perfume, etc. you have no control over that... You probably learned a lot from that experience and it helped you grow up so it's all good... don't worry...be happy!
Author Fr0mT1me2T1me Posted May 24, 2007 Author Posted May 24, 2007 Maybe they can also be a reminder of things not completely dealt with. It would be worthwhile to look deeper into them. Maybe there's a missing piece of you there, instead of a missing person. I have no idea whether I am making any sense, just reflecting... Lizzie60/MagnoliaJane, Thank you for your comments. Your support is immeasurable. MJ, you are making perfect sense without even knowing my entire story. Yes, there is an issue that wasn't completely dealt with, and to cut to the chase, I was told by a few people that she was asking about me and wanting to see how I was doing before I got married. That always bothered me. Not so much that she was inquiring, but the unknowns of "why" and "what about". I need closure with regards to that, but I don't think it's appropriate to meet with her anymore. I'm kind of stuck, but I'll just have to deal with it.
Author Fr0mT1me2T1me Posted May 31, 2007 Author Posted May 31, 2007 I'm posting this final reply in hopes to give others hope. Long story short, my situation hit rock bottom emotionally recently, and I had to find closure to move on with my life without having to constantly look back over my shoulder. I met with the ex and finally said what I had to say and heard what I had to hear. She ended it pretty much in one day after a 3 yr relationship, and I never got closure - the why's, what's, how's, who's, where's. The details are not important, but the most important thing I can say is that I discovered I was in love with a memory and not her. I'm just sad it took 10 years to realize this, which is why I'm posting this. For those of you out there who think there would be no end to the pain and suffering, take it from me. 10 years. 10 long years of wondering, pondering, suffering is now over. I thought I'd never say this, and I am so glad that I can finally breathe again. I was pretty much a lurker here until recently, and now I probably won't be back. Kind of a part of me finally moving on. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm 100% normal. I've learned to live with this poison for 10 years. I'm in a weird place right now. It's strange feeling ok. So, it'll definitely take a while to adjust to not having the pain in my life. But I hope this is an inspiration to someone out there, that it can and will pass. Hopefully it won't last as long as my ordeal. I probably didn't help myself as much as I could, but I never gave up on myself. We affect and help each other more than we probably know. Godspeed to you all and thank you for all of your help.
MagnoliaJane Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 I met with the ex and finally said what I had to say and heard what I had to hear. She ended it pretty much in one day after a 3 yr relationship, and I never got closure - the why's, what's, how's, who's, where's. The details are not important, but the most important thing I can say is that I discovered I was in love with a memory and not her Thank you for posting about your closure because what you found out about being in love with a memory, and not a person, matters to all of us. I believe you came to a great insight and although you may be feeling strange right now, this insight is something very valuable for you as a person. I believe it will put your life in a new light. Be thankful that it only took you 10 years to come to this insight. There are some people who will never get there. -MJ
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