cecil brown Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 Morning all, While I have accepted the fact my relationship is over, I'm still having a hell of a time coping with all the guilt I feel. Even though we both had problems, I feel the relationship ultimately failed because of my own actions and insecurities. I constantly beat myself up over things I did wrong in the past. I know that isn't healthy, but it's a hard habit to break. I'm still going to counseling, and trying to improve my shortcomings the best I can, but I still find myself stuck in a rut. Any advice for getting over this guilt and despair? Thanks...
Ssheena Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 Cecil... Time. Learning to forgive yourself and not be so hard on yourself. Learning from the experience so that the next time you will handle things differently. Being able to say, "I did the best I could at the time". Helping other LS'ers that might benefit from your experiences. It's all good. I know I want to be perfect but ya know, it just isn't possible for anyone. Nobody is perfect. Bests,
Ormolu611 Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 Morning all, While I have accepted the fact my relationship is over, I'm still having a hell of a time coping with all the guilt I feel. Even though we both had problems, I feel the relationship ultimately failed because of my own actions and insecurities. I constantly beat myself up over things I did wrong in the past. I know that isn't healthy, but it's a hard habit to break. I'm still going to counseling, and trying to improve my shortcomings the best I can, but I still find myself stuck in a rut. Any advice for getting over this guilt and despair? Thanks... Wow, this is tough. Cecil, I do not know if there are any shortcuts that can be taken with regard to mourning the loss of a relationship. Having said that, it is important to avoid non-productive thought patterns in which you continually beat yourself up. Face it, we all have made mistakes in our relationships. We all beat ourselves up over things we wish we would have done differently. The important thing is to learn from those mistakes. Sometimes it seems as if the lesson is unbearably painful, and often it is. What a price to pay! But you said so yourself that you both had problems. Why accept all of the blame? When we do this, I think that the situation is being grossly oversimplified in our minds. Sometimes it helps to remind yourself that it was never up to you to single handedly save this relationship; to shoulder all of the weight. Do not fret over that which you cannot control. Your responsibility does have limits. Good luck.
Trialbyfire Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 I see a fine line between guilt and remorse. Guilt is a useless and wasteful emotion which can be damaging to self. Remorse is a good emotion because it accepts responsibility for your actions, shows empathy towards your partner and helps to shore up your determination to be a better person for your next relationship. Get rid of the self-flagellation through guilt because it does nothing to help shape you as a better individual. Keep the remorse for something to remember, so that if the triggers happen to promote the same negative angry reactions, you will stop and think before allowing your anger to take control. It doesn't matter that both of you were responsible for the dissolution of the relationship. What matters is that you are responsible for yourself and can only control yourself.
Trialbyfire Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 Here's a little more tough love: Guilt - I'm a bad person, look at what I've done, I feel so horrible, it's all my fault, feel sorry for me. (note: me, me, me) Remorse - I've done some terrible things in my last relationship that I feel horrible about. I'm sorry I did those things to you and caused you pain. I vow to myself that I will work hard to control myself. This experience has taught me some life lessons that will help in the future with future relationships. (note: me, you, me change, me will get better)
Author cecil brown Posted May 21, 2007 Author Posted May 21, 2007 I appreciate the quick repsonses. TBF, The guilt/remorse explanation makes sense. Thanks.
Trialbyfire Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 You're welcome. Guilt stunts. Remorse acknowledges and allows change. Change for yourself, start liking yourself and you can only become a better person for it.
Author cecil brown Posted May 22, 2007 Author Posted May 22, 2007 I'm trying to make changes for the better, and become happy with myself, but it's a hard, lonely road at times. Hopefully I'll be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel eventually.
Ssheena Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 You will. As someone who has been through my own version of heck, and come out the other side, trust me, you will.
Author cecil brown Posted May 22, 2007 Author Posted May 22, 2007 Thanks for the encouragement Ssheena. I need to realize the worst is over and it can only go up from here. It is just hard sometimes to accept the fact that someone I love/care for deeply no longer feels the same about me. Rejection is a tough pill to swallow.
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