Lost Student Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 Here is the deal, I have been with my boyfriend (age 30) for about 8 months. Our relationship has been very serious – he has been practically living with me for the past 6 months, and he plans on moving in officially next month. Overall, we have a lot in common. We always have a great time together, we never fight and he is always respectful and treats me well. I am very happy with him, - - but recently I have been concerned that he may be a commitment phobic. Although I am not expecting to get engaged or anything at this point in time, I feel that there are certain signs of commitment that one should expect by a certain point in a relationship. For example, one major conflict in our relationship has concerned his unwillingness to introduce me to his friends or family, despite the fact that he has already spent a lot of time with my friends and family. I feel that after 8 months, and at the point where you are planning on living together, then it is appropriate to introduce the other person to your family. I have read that one the key characteristics of a commitment phobic is their ability to compartmentalize their lives, ex: keeping their significant other and their family in separate compartments or different parts of their life. And in this regard, I have gotten increasingly frustrated by his unwillingness to include me in his life and pessimistic about the future of our relationship. My boyfriend’s family lives in another country, and I know that the distance and cost is a concern, but if I take it seriously enough to invest that in the travel, that is my choice. My boyfriend is currently visiting his family, and prior to his trip, I expressed my willingness to meet his family many times. If I bring up the subject of meeting his family, he promises to bring me along “next time,” but then in other conversations, he’ll mention not planning on visiting home for the next 2-3 years. If I question whether he is really serious about the relationship or not, he’ll tell me that it is still early in the relationship. Yet I know in the past he was willing to bring an ex-girlfriend (also from the U.S.) home to meet his family after only a year, which is not much longer than current. In comparison, his ex was very poorly educated, and it sounds like she was also very immature and childish (for example, she was interested in comics and children’s cartoons). In contrast to his unwillingness to specifically not introduce me to his family, I am left wondering if he is unable to commit to a serious relationship, especially to a more mature, adult one. Am I over-reacting about the not inviting me along to introduce me to his parents? For me making an attempt to introduce your significant other to your family and other aspects of your life is a really critical and serious thing, and it is one of the few criteria that I am not willing to compromise on. I am starting to feel that 8-9 months is enough time to invest in a relationship, and if the other person does not seem serious, then it is time to move on. I am thinking of telling him he does not seem ready to live together, and I am also seriously considering breaking up with him once he returns, and instead investing time in looking for someone else who would take things a little more serious. Please tell me what you think – am I seriously over-reacting or do I have reason to be concerned? When is an appropriate time to introduce your significant other to your family? And how long is too long to invest in a relationship if the other person shows no indication of introducing you to his family or any other aspect of their life?
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