curiousnycgirl Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 Apologies in advance, this is going to be long, but I really think advice from you folks would be very helpful. I am posting my friend’s story – I’ve encouraged her to join LS, but she’s just not ready – although she has been reading posts as she has time. My friend was friendly with her now ex fiance for about a year before they started dating. They started dating and almost immediately began living together. While this was going on his mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer while living in another country. He brought his mother (with whom he had never had a good relatinship) back to the states, and got her into see specialists, etc. While here his mother bought a townhouse for the two of them to live in. My friend moved in with them when they did, and became far more involved in HIS mother’s care than her bf (at the time). Even to the point that when his mother was in the hospital – he never visited, she did. Around last August he proposed to her and she accepted. Everyone was thrilled - his mother, his father, his step mother, her family, etc literally eveyrone. Unfortunately his mother passed away last September (coincidently on my friend’s birthday – UGH). So my friend knew that a wedding would be at least a year off – to allow him the proper mourning period. No problem. In the past year they planned the wedding (together) – and just kept going on. She works full time – in fact every other week she puts in a 6 day week. She comes home does all the cooking and cleaning – he does none of these things, although he is very happy to go out for meals as well. Overall he is a very good guy, but often I found myself commenting to her that she was doing too much, and telling him how grateful he should be that he found such a wonderful girl. He always agreed. He has always been very affectionate, demonstrative etc in public – so there was no question of his feelings. She was happy accepting their roles in the relationship. The only real wrinkle in the relationship was that his parents wanted the wedding to be at their church, and she, the BRIDE, put her foot down and said no – it would be in HER church, if only out of respect for her mother who is a devout Catholic. Sometime in April one of his friends ended his engagement. Suddenly my friend’s fiancé is out every night to all hours, often coming home drunk (which means he drove drunk) – my friend would be up all night waiting and worrying. This exhausted her and put her in a fairly bad mood, since she must be at work at 7 am – and was getting very little sleep. Cutting to the chase – at the beginning of May he told her he would never make her happy and that he did not want to get married. He said she as welcome to continue living there, but the wedding was off. She took it in stride, even though he broke her heart, and continued being the sweet dutiful a gf while she looked for somewhere new to live and began putting her independent life back together. She moved out last Wednesday night and he has been calling and texting her regularly that he loves her, and that he cries every night being in the house without her. (I sent her the link to the guide to NC and told her to join LS). I believe she is doing her best at NC – but truth is I think she is expecting him to come back – actually I think he will too – but I have asked her if she could possibly trust him after what he just pulled without something very dramatic changing – she agreed she can’t. Guess we are looking for input, thoughts, guidance, etc. I will be sending her a link to this post – so all comments are appreciated.
Star Gazer Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 I really think she should actively participate in the communications here. Post herself, read herself. Otherwise, it's all just coming from you. The more (similar) perspective re: NC, the more likely she'll be to believe it.
dropdeadlegs Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 Okay, I'll take a few guesses. In my experience men don't mourn as efficiently as many women do. Being emotional beings, women tend to deal with loss more immediately and therefore are able to really let it all out and fully grieve. men being brought up to withhold emotion, always appear strong, seem to drag it all out for longer than would be necessary because they have been taught to be stoic pillars of strength. So, my guess is that sixth months after his mothers death he hasn't really dealt with it fully. The friends recent breakup and ensuing "nights out" may have been partaken in by her BF as a way of numbing pain. Pain he still hasn't dealt with properly. The breaking off of the wedding plans could be the result of him not feeling whole enough to actually marry at this time. Will they reconcile and eventually marry? I don't know but since he is calling and texting and misses her, I think if she is open to it, it could very well happen. Her ability to trust him again depends on how she feels about it all and whether she feels he deserves any slack for possibly not being in his right mind fully. It appears that she accepted pretty traditional roles within the relationship and only she can decide if that is okay with her. I don't see it as much different than many marriages, even when the wife works outside the home. I know from experience it is a lot to juggle, but many are better jugglers than I am. I agree with Star Gazer that your friend would probably gain more from posting on her own, but if she is not ready, lurking is perfectly acceptable. (Hi friend. We don't bite, at least not often. You are welcome here and it is truly as anonymous as you make it.)
Trialbyfire Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 I agree with ddl on most of her points. My only issue is, is she being taken advantage of? If both of them are working, why did she shoulder the burden? It's no wonder that he misses her, not only because he cares about her but that she caters to him. If she's satisfied with this type of arrangement, it's her life.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted May 22, 2007 Author Posted May 22, 2007 Thanks all - esspecially DDL with your personal hello to her - I assure you she will read this, as I will be resending her the link! I told her the same, she would get a lot of support and lots of different perspectives were she to post here. Hopefully in time she will feel ready
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