MackinMack Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 For the dumpers that were "confuse" or "wanted to grow" What did it take for you girls to realise what you have losts?
Just Visiting Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 Based on what you posted on the other thread, there is nothing you can do to show someone what they "lost". You just have to accept their decision and go about your daily life. Calling her every 2-3 days or once a week is not going to help either. Just leave it for now, let her find out for herself. It may take one thing, or it can take LOTS of things for her to decide. You have to leave her be.
jusified Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 hi mate, read my posts especially the first one. I was in the same situation as you. Look, the best you can do is improve yourself, move on and there will be someone else. In time you might even find that you are better off. In the end, if it takes leaving you, go out and play the field to realise how good you are then she doesn't deserve you and you shouldn't want someone like that.
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 "Being confused" and "wanting to grow" are excuses that dumpers give you to make themselves seem like less of a jerk for skipping out on you. It is something that dumpees unfortunately can't see as an excuse, and because it takes the blame off the dumpers the dumpees will often fight to "get them back" because they feel that the dumpers must still love them and want to be with them on some level. The sad truth is that the dumper usually wants to lessen the pain as much as possible, as well - by not telling them the real reason they are dumping them: that they do not love them enough to be a couple anymore. See how hurtful that is? It also places the blame for the ending of the relationship directly on the dumper, and shows that the dumping was entirely in their control and deliberate. There is no 'confusion' there. Its fairly simple. The dumper won't see what they have "lost" because they see the dumping more as an escape rather than a loss. After the fact, the dumper will seem tolerant of your contacts and this feeds you false hope, so you keep it up thinking ... "I think I'm getting through to her! I think I can win her back!" Again, the dumper simply isn't telling you what they are really feeling, which is ... "I wish he/she would leave me alone". It is about as welcome as an escaped prisoner seeing the jail warden coming for them. Your best bet? Walk away. You can't win someone back by continuing to offer the dumper what they rejected in the first place. If you want any chance at that, you'll have to be the person she persued not the one she is escaping from. That means you have to rewind right back to the beginning, and become a stranger to her again. No contact. None, nada. That is the only way she can even begin to "miss" you, is when you are gone - if she will even miss you at all. Its simply not worth the amount of false hope and wishful thinking you put into it though. That energy would be best spent on finding someone who wants to be with you, rather than someone who you have to drag back kicking and screaming.
Ormolu611 Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 Your best bet? Walk away. You can't win someone back by continuing to offer the dumper what they rejected in the first place. If you want any chance at that, you'll have to be the person she persued not the one she is escaping from. That means you have to rewind right back to the beginning, and become a stranger to her again. No contact. None, nada. That is the only way she can even begin to "miss" you, is when you are gone - if she will even miss you at all. Its simply not worth the amount of false hope and wishful thinking you put into it though. That energy would be best spent on finding someone who wants to be with you, rather than someone who you have to drag back kicking and screaming. As usual, I think that LB is right on with this advice. I really think that total no contact is the way to go without a doubt. If she is going to come back, it will have to be of her own accord. I know that when you are dumped, most of us probably experience an almost overwhelming desire to do something about it. Simply dropping off of the face of the Earth is amost counter intuitive. The point is though, that if she did decide to come back, and you talking to her or reasoning with her, or bargaining with her had anything to do with her decision to return, you are screwed. Her decision in this case would be "polluted" or "tainted" by your interference. She will resent you eventually. Think about it this way - how would you feel if she came back after bargaining with her and pleading with her versus her simply deciding in your absence, that she made a mistake and needs to be with you? I guarantee that the latter situation would be much more beneficial for a well balanced, and happy relationship. She would have come back on her own as opposed to being manipulated or dragged back in. If she is dragged back in - and it does happen, it simply will not last. I hope this helps and makes sense.
Author MackinMack Posted May 21, 2007 Author Posted May 21, 2007 Damn LB and others, you are right on the spot. At one point she did even say she still feel like she has me there. I guess it was more of an escape rather than a loss. And I have been getting false hope after breaking one week of NC and talking every night. Now she's back to ignoring me. And now its going to be 2 months. I could imagine seeing were I am if I directly did NC in these past 2 months. I guess it's right that I don't pollute her mind as well bargain her and let her decide on her own without me being around. Well she did just enter University and I guess she has enterned the "going out/party mode" and "lets meet other guys"
oppath Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 My ex used the "it's not you, it's me. I don't know who I am and need to find myself line." I knew what was up, but it was convoluted with "Please don't think I don't have feelings for you. All the romance, passion, and chemistry are there. I feel like I am giving up the most amazing relationship of my life and I'm an imbecile for giving you up." Needless to say, I was confused. All she was doing was trying to spare my feelings; she didn't realize she came off as inauthentic and was giving me false hope. It really ****ed with my head. And then, 2 weeks later, she asked if I were willing to be friends with benefits. This of course caused me to lose it, I was so insulted and confused, and I basically let her know exactly how I felt. The end result: I came off as a pathetic loser who couldn't let go, I went to extremes and was mean to her by calling her selfish, and telling her she should have just said "I like you but I don't feel we are right for each other." I lost many mutual friends over it. She has responsibility there too, but I wish I would have stuck to my guns: you know someone isn't being fully honest, you feel it is confusing, but it is an escape. "Lines" are to absolve ones own guilt I do find them obnoxious, I do find them tactless. But ultimately, they are used because someone doesn't have the courage to say "I don't feel we are right for each other." To me, that is easy to say. But if there are no fights, no glaring incompatibilities, it's not easy to say "it's over." It's tough to say "I realize I don't love you though I know you love me." In my case, my ex DID give me false hope, because she ADDED ON hope. I told her "when people say those lines, it means I don't want a relationship with you, not I'm not ready for a relationship." She'd persist "if I wanted a relationship with anyone it would be with you." It wasn't reassuring. I basically felt there was something she wasn't telling me. I knew she wasn't telling me the truth. So when she asked to be friends with benefits, I lost control. I was overwhelmed with confusion and anger. Let her go. She doesn't want to be with you. She's not confused. She doesn't want to be with you. It's hard to accept that, but it's the truth. she simply lacks the courage to be more upfront and honest.
Chamari Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 Can nobody believe that the dumper just might be telling the truth? I know that I am confused and I do want some time to grow. My break up with my guy had very little to do with how I feel about him, but more about how I was feeling about life at that point. Outside pressures, feeling like I kind of lost myself over the last few years, and (if I'm entirely honest) feeling like I wasn't ready for a long-term commitment and that I should date other people for a while. Now, in my case, he is the only guy that I've ever dated, he's looking for someone to marry, and I'm only 20. I'll say it, I think he's a wonderful guy and I could definitely see us having a future together, just not yet. I still feel awful about breaking up with him but I still think it was the right thing to do. I'm getting back involved in things that I'd gotten out of touch with and working on finding a balance in my life--I've been much more social over the last year and while it was fun, I've been a pretty solitary person in the past and I'm starting to reclaim *some* time for that. I also think that it's better all around that I do date a few other guys so that I know that I'm with him because I really want to be, vs. simply because he's the only thing I've known. I tried my best to explain this all when I told him that I thought we should break up and he listened to me and although he wasn't exactly happy about it, he took it pretty well and said he could understand. In our case, we decided that we could still be friends and keep in contact, although I think that's working out mainly because we're in different states so the physical element isn't a problem so much. Two weeks after I broke up with him I told him that I felt like an idiot and didn't know what I thought I was doing and he's the one who came back and said, hey, it's good for you to take some time for yourself and actually encouraged me to go ahead and start dating other people. It was kind of weird to be honest (particularly as he's been clear that his feelings for me haven't changed) but fits for him because he's one of the most levelheaded people I've ever known--probably one of the reasons that I like him as I tend to be pretty emotional. I guess my point is, it all depends on the person. Maybe they are just trying to spare your feelings, but maybe they really are confused. I know I am. I'd say that if you really care about her then be there for her, but make sure that you do it on her terms. If you call her and there's no response, then let things be 'til she contacts you. Of course, this does leave you totally open to having your heart broken if she does seriously move on. I guess a lot of it depends on how much of a risk you're willing to take and if you really love her, because if you really love her you'll want her to be happy, even if it does mean her being with someone else.
Author MackinMack Posted May 21, 2007 Author Posted May 21, 2007 yea, I understand what you are saying. My girlfriend was on the same boat. She says she does see a future with us but not just yet. And I was at that point were I told her I would love to see a future for the both of us (married). I wish I would of reacted the way your ex did. I wasn't aware of any of this and thought we would get back everytime we spoke or met up. At first she asks for a break and asks if I can wait for her. Sadly, I did the wrong approach and started swaring and arguing making her cry. I can say I had a drastic balance the way I was too her, when things are good they were very good and when things gone bad, it would be really bad (not to the point of hitting though) probably as far as swaring and yelling. I don't blame her either as well, I was overly jealous due to an over reacting incident which I should of remain calm about and it was always hard for her to talk to other guys since then and we would constantly get into arguments and me being so arrogant would use what I think she did wrong in past against her everytime we argued. So I guess she saw herself without me and enjoyed it. I happy for her, maybe when I heal time will fly by and who knows I may get an unexpected phone call from her. At the moment I do feel less pressure on my shoulders having stop from this point trying to communicate with her. Your posts pretty much is exactly the same way my ex tried explaining to me. Wow, I guess alot of us couples do have similarities when it comes to breaking up, interest, attractiveness...feels like some kind of pattern or a cycle that happens, I don't know....
Author MackinMack Posted May 22, 2007 Author Posted May 22, 2007 Recently she has been msging me and telling me that her friend had her phone which is why she hasn't been picking up? Sigh! bunch of bs... Today I had a saying in my msn status "todays promise is a lie tommorow"....she msged me about it if it was intended on her. I did not respond. I am at the point where I am frustrated and feeling like crap when ever I think about her. I just want her out of my head but then she can't get out of my heart and it stresses me but at the same time a part of me still wants her. Normal? I am so sick and tired of anything she says and I feel like I am at the point I do not believe anything she says
Ormolu611 Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 I am at the point where I am frustrated and feeling like crap when ever I think about her. I just want her out of my head but then she can't get out of my heart and it stresses me but at the same time a part of me still wants her. Normal? Yes, I think so. No contact, no contact, no contact.
kitty88 Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 Hye dude. I know it's hard to get someone out of your mind; it's that way with my ex. I was with him over two years and he lied to me about everything. He was never there for me. I knew that I cldnt live with sum1 I cldnt trust. remember, "without trust, there is nothing." In time, you will heal, i promise. in the mean time, think about something else, something you enjoy. For example, if you like playing soccer, go out and play with sum friends. If not soccer, then whatever floats ur boat. Just get ur mind on sumthin else.
Living_For_Me Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 "I'm Confused" "I don't know what i'm doing" "I need time to grow" "I still love you" "We will have a future together one day" EXCUSES!!!!! The facts are: if someone loves you they will not want to leave. When was the last time you heard of someone being head over heels for their partner but wanting to leave because "they're confused".......It just doesn't happen! For all those who have had these spineless, false hope, cliche excuses thrown at them, do everything in your power to move on with your life. It is very difficult (trust me i know) but at the end of the day if you choose to listen to these excuses you will only be left hanging not being able to make progress with your life. Find someone else who will love you enough not to give you such utterly bull**** excuses.
Chamari Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 Although I think you're right about that being the case most of the time, I still think there are times when the dumper is being honest when they say that.
Living_For_Me Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 Although I think you're right about that being the case most of the time, I still think there are times when the dumper is being honest when they say that. So you love your partner (or ex partner) but you want to experience other relationships? I really think that is blatant contradiction. You may love them but not enough to want to be exclusive with them.
progressioncity Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 Although I think you're right about that being the case most of the time, I still think there are times when the dumper is being honest when they say that. Oh I think they are being honest to some degree but I also abide by the notion that if they love you they don't want to either lessen contact or put you on the back burner with a string of excuses. That to me is pure selfishness. Sure they can be confused, or they could be lying. In the end it adds up to the same thing, they aren't available and probably not all that interested anymore for whatever reason. Either way it sucks and you have to move on because they probably really don't know waht they are doing, including hurting you (if you let them).
Chamari Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 Actually, I don't have all that much interest in experiencing other relationships right now--he's actually the one that was pushing that idea, oddly enough. I wanted a break because I felt like I was letting my life revolve around the relationship and I needed to rebalance my life, get involved in other things and work on building my self-confidence because it was getting in the way of our relationship. I tend to be very self-critical and it makes it hard for me to believe that I'm lovable, which isn't exactly healthy for a relationship. Wanting to experiencing other relationships was a very small part of the reason and mainly because right now, I don't have anything to compare him to--he is the ONLY guy I've ever been in a relationship with. Interestingly, I think that this bothers him more than it does me--because we can both see a future together and he doesn't want me to regret not having a chance to date other people. From my side the problem that it presents is that I don't know how much of my loving him is simply because he's the only guy who's really shown interest in me. I do love him but if we're going to go on with the relationship then I want to be sure that I love him for the right reasons, not out of desperation, if that makes sense.
Chamari Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 Although I think you're right about that being the case most of the time, I still think there are times when the dumper is being honest when they say that. There was another part to this post that somehow got deleted where I said that regardless of the reasons, it probably was a good idea to go ahead and live your life. I was just trying to point out that you shouldn't always assume that they're lying, that sometimes they're serious. Even so, if that is the reason given I do think it's a good idea for the dumpee to go ahead and take the time to work on their life and possibly other relationships if the opportunity presents itself. In my case, yeah, I'd be pretty sad if my guy did hook up with someone else but I'd understand it too. Hmm. Maybe that's part of why I'm so reluctant to take our relationship further--I feel like there's probably some amazing person out there that would be better for him than me, so if he did meet up with someone I'd be sad, but happy for him. Stupid self-confidence issues. x-(
socialight Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 when they say "i love you" or "i miss you" or "i really care about you still" just add "like I [blank] fresca!". So, "I still care about you" means "i still care about you, like I care about Fresca!". It's all empty words and crap. Excuses, like an earlier poster pointed out. For all you non u.s. posters fresca is a carbonated beverage in the U.S.
JoL Posted June 2, 2007 Posted June 2, 2007 Breaking up is one of the most painful things you can go through in life. I think when a person is being dumped, the dumper realises the pain and suffering they are putting the other person through, so they throw lines out like "i still love you" or "I'm just confused". These are all excuses. The truth is, when you decide to dump someone you have had time to think about it and you have emotionally moved on from the relationship before you actually end it. You make the decision, think it through, deal with all the emotions, and THEN tell the other person. Therefore the dumper has removed themselves from the relationship and the hurt already. The dumpee is then shocked and devestated and THEN their process of moving on begins. This is why I think if you are ever broken up with with reasons along the lines of "It's not you, it's me".. don't believe it. The dumper just hasn't got the heart to tell you that they have already moved on from the relationship and they just don't love you enough to stay.
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