fantasyangel Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 Well, I'll try to keep this as short as possible. A little over a year ago my current boyfriend and I started dating. Even though we liked each other for awhile, it was complicated and we didn't date until months later. Even before we were official he had said once that he thought he was falling in love with me. Maybe it was just "the chase" or infatuation, but he was definitely pulling out all the stops and being incredibly perfect and sweet before we even started dating. Well, once we started dating we pretty much lived together for two months before he had to go home (he had just graduated from college and had to go back home, which is 1000 miles away). Everything was pretty good for the few months we were together, I can't say I remember anything wrong, but then again it should be the "honeymoon period". Well after he left, I only saw him over Thanksgiving for less than a week. Because of money and parents, etc...we couldn't see each other more often. Since Thanksgiving break, I didn't see him for 6 months. It was pretty hard (moreso on my side). I was kind of upset that he didn't seem to want to talk to me more or tell me that he missed me...but he explained that he just never had anything to talk about (his life everyday was the same...he hung out with two friends, watched tv, and dealt with his uncompromising parents). I on the other hand, would go out with friends, go to parties, drink, etc. (even though nothing ever happened). I think he wished I would stay home and didn't go hang out with my friends so much. After graduation, I flew to where he is and we just had our one-year anniversary. Everything seems pretty good right now...even though we haven't seen each other in half a year he seems to be pretty committed and into me. And I do see that he really doesn't do anything with his days except stay at home with his controlling parents lol. Here's what's been bothering me for a few months. He never said that he loved me. I was curious if it was me or if it was just his personality. I thought about it for awhile and I asked him half a year ago if he ever told his ex-girlfriend that he loved her (he was very much a player and only had one serious girlfriend two years ago...since she dumped him he fooled around with a couple more girls, but then he met me and told me that he really liked me and I would definitely not be just a fling). Anyway, he said that the only times he told his ex that he loved her was when she would force him to say it, like when she would with-hold sex and ask "do you love me?" He explained that it wasn't like he would say it everyday or anything, that she was the one that said it first and she kinda made him say it back. He also told me half a year ago that he liked his ex and me about the same, neither one more than the other...but that this relationship was definitely better than the last. Now, he says he can't even remember being with her, or any of the other girls he was with. I know that we were only together a couple months before we got separated into a long-distance relationship...and during the long-distance we seemed fairly content and committed to each other, but it seemed like our relationship wasn't really growing. I know that he's not the "type" to be all sweet and romantic and throw out "I love you"s within a few months (like my past boyfriends have been). I suppose I'm just not used to this. I'm just wondering if this is okay, or if I should bring it up. If it wasn't a long-distance relationship I think I would've brought it up earlier in the relationship...but I can kind of understand that long-distance is different, and he is also a different kind of guy I've never dated. As for his actions, he does show that he cares about me and I'm the only one he wants to be with. He doesn't flirt with other girls and he does tell me things he won't tell anyone else.
Andrea1234 Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 maybe hes not ready to tell you that he loves you yet
ibitealil Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 Dont worry honey he will tell you when he feels like he wants to tell you ..pressuring him to tell you that he loves you will bring no good..its the best when you hear it when its meant...If things are normal now just follow the flow... he sounds like hes not "i love you" type of guy so i guess its quite normal..not all men r the same
curiousnycgirl Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 First of all you cannot set time limits for when things should happen in relationships - every relationship is different and every b/f or g/f is different. Having said that - you guys have spent very little time together so it is very hard for this relationship to grow or move forward. I would think it is really just standing still while you are apart, and only able to grow when you are together. That does not mean it is doomed, it just means that I would expect everything to move a lot slower than a relationship where you can be together all the time. If you truly care for this guy - then the waiting and the work are all worth it. No?
Author fantasyangel Posted May 23, 2007 Author Posted May 23, 2007 Thanks for all the comments. So the topic was actually brought up yesterday. It was the last day before I went back home, and he noticed something was wrong and kinda forced it out of me. "You're wondering about the L-word aren't you?" lol..he says he just kinda sensed it. We talked about it for awhile...and I'm still unsure how I feel about it. He says that even though we've technically been together for a year, we were only physically together for 3 months of it. So it's kinda like we've only been dating for a few months. This was something I'd been thinking too. When we saw each other this time when I went to visit him, it was like the "honeymoon period" all over again. I've just never done long-distance, so I don't quite know how to handle that "love word" situation. Maybe if we were never separated, this "love word" thing would've never been a problem. He also says that even though he was forced to say it to his last girlfriend a couple times, he doesn't want to do that. He says that when he says it he wants to mean it. That it just isn't the "right time". He says that people nowadays throw the word around like it's meaningless, and he doesn't want to do that. I also brought up the ex girlfriend issue. I asked if he liked her or had stronger feelings for her than for me...which is why he won't say it to me. He replied that at the point where he had the strongest feelings for each of us, he felt the same intensity. He didn't like her more than me, and vice versa. But he said that with her, it seemed like he liked her a lot the first two weeks they were together, but then after that the relationship was just up and down, that it was just high and low and nothing in between. He says that his feelings for me are more consistent, that it feels more like a relationship, more stable. I mentioned how it seemed like he tried a lot harder and made more efforts with his ex. He said that she was very demanding and bossy, and her moods were kinda crazy. He felt like he had to do so much for her and try so hard to make the relationship work, so he ended up investing a lot trying to make her happy. After a few months, he was so sick of it that he was just exhausted and just didn't want to try anymore. At some points he'd make up exuses to not talk to her, and he sometimes he just wouldn't be excited to see her at all. "It was like a class that I need to take to graduate, and I just have to do all this homework I don't want to do" is how he refered to the relationship and everything he had to do. He says that with me, I'm not like that, that it's a lot easier. He feels more comfortable and doesn't always feel like he's being forced to do anything. Even though I know it's probably not right...it kinda makes me wonder if maybe I was more "bitchy" and played more games...maybe it'd make him want me more or make him love me. Hopefully this is just a fleeting thought. He is driving all the way to where I am in a week to be with me. He doesn't want to stay at home anymore with his parents. He told me that he could go anywhere, stay with any of his friends or whatever, but that he wants to be where I am. He said that he dreams that he'll drive to my apartment, I'll open the door and smile, and he'll come into my room and it'll just feel perfect, like home. It was really cute, actually, when he was driving to drop me off at the airport. He kept trying to make up excuses so I'd miss my flight. When we actually made it to the airport, he looked kinda sad and said "so...you're really leaving?" I'm feeling a bit more optimistic but still a little uneasy for some reason though...
Trialbyfire Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 I don't know how you LDR people do it. Most men are very visual and need the physical contact to remain "in touch" with someone. At a distance, things can get very strained and I'm guessing, a little unreal. It takes commitment by both parties to maintain a normal relationship, nevermind making it even more difficult with long distances separating you. All I can say is to beware of the players. Lipservice is easy, especially if you're long distance. Kudos to people who can make it work.
ibitealil Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 Thanks for all the comments. So the topic was actually brought up yesterday. Hi, it sounds like u and ur guy have some future and if u do love him i think it worth trying...its true its the best to say i love you when you really mean it and feel it, instead of throwing away what u wanted to hear at that moment..and you r also right about the honeymoon period..its different when u actually see him after a long time in long distance..basically u dont have time to develop it when u are together. Relationship, especially ldr is hard and it needs compromise and work...but if you r with the right person its easier than you think..so just plz relax he cares about u PS: i am in almost an exact same situation as u so lets stay strong
Author fantasyangel Posted May 24, 2007 Author Posted May 24, 2007 Haha it's good to know that I'm not alone in this situation. ibitealil, I wish you the best of luck too :-)
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