Krytellan Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 Hi all. I have been separated for over a year and have been going through the divorce process for about 7 months with a wife who has been completely unwilling to negotiate without lawyers. We were married for 2 years and the relationship got so ugly that we ended it. Since then, she has sworn to take all that she can from me, which, when combined with a dollar, could buy a can of pop. At any rate, it has been nothing but hate and difficulty from her for over a year. Yet, with all of this hate, she has been dragging her feet throughout the whole divorce process and the 4-party conference in finally happening in 2 weeks. The day after the date was set, I got this: (Krytie), Hello! There is something I want to talk to you about. It won't take much of your time and does not require lawyers, its personal. You can call me at work because I no longer have my cell phone. My work # is XXXXX. I am in and out of my office throughout the day so if you get my voicemail you can leave a message with a number I can call you back at. If you choose not to call that is fine as well. Take care. (ex) After much deliberation, I sent this: Well (ex), I have to admit I debated this for a while, and in my gut I cannot convince myself that anything positive could come from me calling you. I honestly don't trust your intentions. If there is something you really need to discuss with me, please give me an idea of what it's about and I will call you based on that information. (Krytie) OK, all good. No response. I thought I was in the clear, then: (Krytie), I understand the hesitation. If you don't trust my intentions that is fine. It isn't directly related to the divorce but rather a personal issue I wanted to discuss with you as adults. Actually I would prefer details of the divorce not be discussed at all. Your choice. I am not going to beg you to, I was just trying to be courteous. (ex) This was followed by a voicemail later in the evening tonight saying about the same thing as the last Email. She sounded so very sweet in the voicemail... almost creepy. However, at no point did she give any indication as to what it was about. So I'm thinking either: 1. She wants to talk about the relationship before the negotiation begins 2. She found out she has an STD??? 3. She has a deep personal issue and needs to talk to the one person who probably cares about her and knows her as well as me. And no, there is no chance of pregnancy by me. What could this possibly be about? My logic keeps me from contacting her. My curiosity is killing me though. Is this a last desparate move in her "game" of emotions? Thanks guys for any input... I just dont get it. As it stands, I'm going to move forward as if I never heard from her unless there is a specific reason.
Diamonds&Rust Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 No one could possibly answer your question. Why not just talk to her?
Author Krytellan Posted May 21, 2007 Author Posted May 21, 2007 I wish I had a good answer. It's a gut feeling. I don't trust her and I feel like she's setting me up for something. Just a weird feeling I have. I know no one can really answer it, I just want to hear their takes on it. She has been pyre evil to me and this just makes me curious.
sumdude Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 I wish I had a good answer. It's a gut feeling. I don't trust her and I feel like she's setting me up for something. Just a weird feeling I have. I know no one can really answer it, I just want to hear their takes on it. She has been pyre evil to me and this just makes me curious. Well, what's the worst that could happen if you talk to her? If it's news that affects your life you need to find out one way or another. Prepare yourself for the call. Don't let yourself fall into any traps she may set. Go in eyes wide open and ready for anything.
ilmw Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 I wish I had a good answer. It's a gut feeling. I don't trust her and I feel like she's setting me up for something. Just a weird feeling I have. I know no one can really answer it, I just want to hear their takes on it. She has been pyre evil to me and this just makes me curious. Well if you don't trust her.. record the conversation... and don't agree to anything ... She did say it was not regarding the divorce... find out what it is... and don't give her any answers until you are ready... having thought about her questions... I'd be curious about what she wants
Starry-eyed Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 Krytellan, I say trust your instincts. Don't call her unless she's willing to give you an idea of what it's about. The way she is handling this gives her all the power (she's not calling you, won't tell you what it's about) and leaves you vulnerable to being put on the spot or some other game tactic. And, she may have no hidden agenda and may just want to ask you something that only you would know, given the intimacy you two shared. But, I heard a saying once that past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior, and I think that's pretty true. It just seems like she should be able to tell you in advance what the issue is before you make the effort to call her.
norajane Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 I know you don't trust her, but really, what can she possibly say that would make any difference to your life? What are you afraid of?
mammax3 Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 I'd call. Given that you know not to trust her, and she's said it's not divorce related, I think you're as informed and prepared as you can be. My first reaction was to think it's STD, or some other health issue. If it is, I'd try to prepare myself in that vein (or whatever else you think it could be) so I don't freak out. Or, if I feel the freak starting to well up, tell her that you'll call her back after you absorb what's she said. You're actually in the power position right now, I think. She wants something from you and you can choose if you'll give it to her. Good luck and let us know! I'm piqued now!
norajane Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 It isn't directly related to the divorce but rather a personal issue I wanted to discuss with you as adults. Actually I would prefer details of the divorce not be discussed at all. Your choice. I am not going to beg you to, I was just trying to be courteous.The 'directly related' makes me think it has something to do with the divorce/end of your relationship, though perhaps not the settlement details. The 'courteous' makes me guess that she's met someone else and is planning on remarrying, and she wants to tell you out of courtesy so you don't end up hearing it from someone else, in case you care.
green-eyed beauty Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 Maybe she wants to borrow money from you. I mean, she had to get rid of her cell phone.
Trimmer Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 ...I can't help but wonder what would be so crucial that she could discuss the possibility of discussing it by Email and voicemail, but not actually reveal its substance. If she were really inclined to give a courtesy notification of a pseudo-uncomfortable issue like a new relationship, an STD, etc, there wouldn't be anything stopping her from just saying it by EMail and having it done. On the other hand, the fact that she needs you to talk about it "in person" means that she wants, needs, or expects something back from you, whether she asks for something material, needs some kind of help or advice, or whether she just wants to see your reaction real-time, whether for her own satisfaction or some other reason. And in spite of her "I'm not going to beg you" comment, it's clear that she really wants this to happen, for whatever reason. Calling it a "courtesy" is a carrot to attract you and keep you curious. I wouldn't be able to help myself from wondering what it is, but before "going in", I would remind myself: the key is to figure out what it is she's looking for in return, and think carefully (maybe even postponing a decision) before giving it to her.
norajane Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 I wouldn't be able to help myself from wondering what it is, but before "going in", I would remind myself: the key is to figure out what it is she's looking for in return, and think carefully (maybe even postponing a decision) before giving it to her. I don't see what the big deal is...what the need is for careful thought before making a decision to call her. She has no power over him.
Trimmer Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 I don't see what the big deal is...what the need is for careful thought before making a decision to call her. She has no power over him. I'm not saying to agonize over calling her; I'm saying - based on his mistrust of her motives and his caution about even talking to her in person in the first place - to think carefully about making any decisions or agreements in real time during their discussion. And that advice is mostly a tool to use against his perception that she has power over him...
Author Krytellan Posted May 21, 2007 Author Posted May 21, 2007 The 'courteous' makes me guess that she's met someone else and is planning on remarrying, and she wants to tell you out of courtesy so you don't end up hearing it from someone else, in case you care. Geez, if that's all it is she should just come out and say it. I would be glad to know that. I don't think she would care to tell me that except to get a reaction. She doesn't simply do things out of courtesy. Yeah, I suppose I could give her a call tomorrow. I mean, something bad like an STD... I've been tested 6 months ago. Relationship would be great. Wow, who knows?
norajane Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 Geez, if that's all it is she should just come out and say it. I would be glad to know that. I don't think she would care to tell me that except to get a reaction. She doesn't simply do things out of courtesy. That's probably why she won't tell you via email. She wants to hear your immediate reaction to her news.
Gunny376 Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 I'd call, and just tell her, "I'm listening?" And, then keep my answers down to one word responses, "Yea, yes, no, etc. ~ maybe an occassional "I understand" or "I see" No doubt I'd record it. I've got a micro-tape recorder and a suction cup mike that you can attach to the phone to record conversations. (Its not illegal in Alabama to record telephone conversations)
Trimmer Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 No doubt I'd record it. I've got a micro-tape recorder and a suction cup mike that you can attach to the phone to record conversations. (Its not illegal in Alabama to record telephone conversations) But be aware that it is illegal in many other states (Google "Can we tape" in quotes; see the first result) In Alabama, for example, it's illegal if you do it "without the consent of at least one person engaged in the communication", but many other states require the permission of BOTH parties; in my state this applies to face-to-face private conversations as well. Be very careful that you don't cross a line that she could use against you... I would think you expose yourself to less risk by just listening and not agreeing to anything or making any decisions in real time than you are by trying to surreptitiously record something illegally. That's probably why she won't tell you via email. She wants to hear your immediate reaction to her news. I agree - she wants something she thinks it more likely she will get in real time, a reaction, a decision, an agreement....
Trialbyfire Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 I would not have a conversation with her. She needs something from you, so let her tell you via email. You have the whip hand. Use it. Don't let her suck you back in with her neediness and powerplay.
Gunny376 Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 But be aware that it is illegal in many other states (Google "Can we tape" in quotes; see the first result) In Alabama, for example, it's illegal if you do it "without the consent of at least one person engaged in the communication", but many other states require the permission of BOTH parties; in my state this applies to face-to-face private conversations as well. Be very careful that you don't cross a line that she could use against you... I would think you expose yourself to less risk by just listening and not agreeing to anything or making any decisions in real time than you are by trying to surreptitiously record something illegally. I agree - she wants something she thinks it more likely she will get in real time, a reaction, a decision, an agreement.... I stand "corrected"
Darth Vader Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 Ok K, I suggest that since she is so adamant on the use of lawyers, that you text her that she feed it through your lawyer! Don't call her. It sounds like she's trying to string you along, she's pregnant, get a DNA test demanded by your lawyer, or it's an STD, in which case you should be tested soon again anyway, huh? I dunno why you 2 are getting divorced, if it's by her cheating, she has some nerve dragging her heals, and putting you through all this crap!
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