Not feeling myself anymore...

[MagnoliaJane]

I just came across something my ex who dumped me twice (and we are now definitely broken up!) wrote about him and me to someone else and it has hit me as a hammer. He wrote:

 

"After about 18 months of off and on struggle about ourselves and the relationship, we have come to relax and enjoy each other and life more easily"

 

That makes it sound as if we had such a difficult relationship. Yes, he dumped me twice (he wrote this before the second time), but in my eyes he sometimes would make an elephant out of a mosquito. For instance, I told him one morning that he "looked tired" and he saw that as a huge offence (while I just wanted to express compassion). Another time he left my appartment in a hurry because I was not overly enthusiast about his grand idea to buy a whole apartment BUILDING while he's flat broke. He said I cut his dreams. Gosh. Maybe I did. But I also loved him no matter what and showed affection all the time. I showed respect when he got distant and gave him space and time. I wrote him sweet emails all the time. Doesn't that count for something? I never shouted at him or told him mean things. If he would get angry at me and I wanted to talk to him he would say "I am angry, so what?". And that was it. Nothing that could be said or done. He would just send me home and I would confess all guilt, even if I didn't think I was guilty.

 

He is this self-declared "happy man" who told me he does not want to be responsible for someone else's happiness.

 

I turned myself upside-down to be the woman for him, but always seemed to fail. Then he dumped me out of the blue a second time, saying "we are from different worlds" and "this doesn't feel right".

 

It's not the dumping that hit me so hard, it's the realization that, no matter what I did, I was ever good enough for him in his eyes. No amount of sweet words, listening, respect, acknowledging his opinions, being patient, was doing any good. And now reading that he talks about "struggling", makes me feel even worse.

 

All these things are getting stuck in my head, like a broken record. It's been 4 months now that we are in NC. While I can see that is a good thing, I am still left with these feelings of confusion and self-doubt that do not seem to go away. I get angry (sometimes) but can't cry.

[sb129]

Anger is good. Yesterday I found a letter my ex wrote to me after he found out I was seeing someone new. It was full of the most offensive lies and insults, and I found myself getting angry at him all over again because he was SO full of shyte. His criticism, neediness and insecurity and unpredictability were exhausting. He would take offense at the tiniest things, he would blow up at nothing.

 

You know what I did? I put that bl**dy letter in my shredder.

 

Its over. Thank goodness.

 

NO regrets. A little anger sometimes is healthy.... it keeps you on track and reminds you you have done the right thing.

[MagnoliaJane]

Anger is good.

 

NO regrets. A little anger sometimes is healthy.... it keeps you on track and reminds you you have done the right thing.

 

sb, good to hear that you are in a healthy place. Unfortunately, my own anger seems to be diffuse, mixed with despair, and keeps bending towards myself. I wish I could have this healthy anger attitude you seem to have, but throughout the relationship I've tried so hard to see things from his point of view that I'm no longer sure about anything. I only know that I held him so dear with every cell in my body and that I often seemed to p*ss him off for reasons I did not entirely understand. When he broke up sith me the second time I just sat there, quiet, and I'm still feeling blank inside.

 

And I'm angry at myself for letting it affect my whole life to this degree while I meant so little to him.

[polywog]

MJ, sorry that you're going through this crap .

 

To me, from your post, it just sounds like you misunderstood each other. Which he seems to have run away from. It sounds like he saw you as a kill-joy (though you are just a realist) which brings me to:

 

Rule: never tell someone they "look tired". Even when they do. It reads as "You look lousy", especially to the so called "happy" types who like to feel happy even when they aren't. Their grasp on happiness might be in the "fake it 'til you make it" category, and they need to feel that they are successful at faking it.

 

Rule: The wacky unrealistic dreams, such a owning an entire apartment building. Yes, it's dumb that they think this stuff. They are being dreamers. Owning a big building sucks, but they have some unrealistic (maybe) idea that it's what they want. You know it's a dumb idea, but the thing to do is just humor him. He was probably just saying it, and partly believing it. He'd come to his senses, I'm sure, the minute he actually tried to pursue it (unlikely that it would get that far, though).

 

I suspect these qualities are what you love(d )about him. And maybe your even-keel realist outlook is what attracted him to you, among other things.

But these dreamer types are a delicate flower. And maybe it's not so great that you have to tip-toe around trying not to be the bull-in-the-china-shop realist. But there are ways to finesse it, and since you have the feet on the earth and he has his head in the clouds, by just letting his fleeting clouds blow past in the wind. After all, the earth and land are always there, and the weather (his dreamy ideas) changes all the time and blows past.

 

God, I don't know if I make any sense.

[MagnoliaJane]

Poly, well... your post gave me some great insight. He certainly is a dreamer and idealist, which is most certainly what attracted me in him. But he also came with an alcohol and a huge spending/money problem. While in a relationship with me he tried to control the alcohol after I talked to him, and I started paying for things when we'd go out somewhere. That probably wasn't a good thing to do...

.

Anyway... what is done, is done. But now what? How do I come to terms with feeling like the villain and guilty for the downfall of our relationship? He has now ran back to his old flame who is unfortunately unhappily married to someone else in another country. He always talked about her in mythical terms, but they haven't seen each other in 15 years (until last week) and she is not even living anymore in the US. I'm sure that's the perfect love because she's won't be around to make stupid comments like I did.

 

I wish I could do something to feel less miserable about being such an "imperfect" woman. I really did/do love him, although I do not expect for him to come back. I just wish this wouldn't be what he is thinking about me and our relationship...

[polywog]

Poly, well... your post gave me some great insight. He certainly is a dreamer and idealist, which is most certainly what attracted me in him. But he also came with an alcohol and a huge spending/money problem. While in a relationship with me he tried to control the alcohol after I talked to him, and I started paying for things when we'd go out somewhere. That probably wasn't a good thing to do...

.

Anyway... what is done, is done. But now what? How do I come to terms with feeling like the villain and guilty for the downfall of our relationship? He has now ran back to his old flame who is unfortunately unhappily married to someone else in another country. He always talked about her in mythical terms, but they haven't seen each other in 15 years (until last week) and she is not even living anymore in the US. I'm sure that's the perfect love because she's won't be around to make stupid comments like I did.

 

I wish I could do something to feel less miserable about being such an "imperfect" woman. I really did/do love him, although I do not expect for him to come back. I just wish this wouldn't be what he is thinking about me and our relationship...

 

OH.... alchohol problem. Well, that's a different story. If he isn't sober, he's not living in reality. Bottom line. What he is thinking about your relationship, which is making you feel terrible, isn't worth squat because his brain is clouded by booze. If you were making "stupid" requests like asking him to sober up, then you are not to blame for anything!!! Imperfect? I think maybe for him "perfect" would be a woman who didn't call him on the carpet for his addiction, and thought his booze addled ideas were just fabulous. Addicts are not able to love, their souls are clouded while they are not sober. Their love is their booze, and they really do not have access to their souls. It's sad.

 

Have you ever gone to ALANON meetings? Check it out. My exH who was a narcissist was a highly functioning alchoholic. I was in denial about it throughtout the marriage, blaming myself for everything (he was good at blaming me, too). We were not living in reality because of his disease. After the marriage ended I went to Codapendents Anonymous meetings which were great, and also ALANON. It will boost your self esteem, and help you see what a burden it was to live with him. You deserve a lucid man who deserves all that love you have to give, and loves you back, Not in a Fog, but with his clear soul.

[alphamale]

so what's the lesson we learn here? -> that women love men who treat them like dirt.

[MagnoliaJane]

OH.... alchohol problem. Well, that's a different story. If he isn't sober, he's not living in reality. Bottom line. What he is thinking about your relationship, which is making you feel terrible, isn't worth squat because his brain is clouded by booze. If you were making "stupid" requests like asking him to sober up, then you are not to blame for anything!!! Imperfect? I think maybe for him "perfect" would be a woman who didn't call him on the carpet for his addiction, and thought his booze addled ideas were just fabulous. Addicts are not able to love, their souls are clouded while they are not sober. Their love is their booze, and they really do not have access to their souls. It's sad.

 

As far as I know, he has stopped drinking. I told him straight up at the beginning of our relationship that I wouldn't get involved with a man who has an alcohol problem. He admitted he had a problem and said that he was willing to deal with it. That was 2 years ago. After that I haven't seen him drunk anymore.

 

He did become more easily stressed and cranky after he quit drinking though. But I do think he was/is clear in his head the two years we were together.

 

I'm just sad that he thinks our relationship was such a struggle because I honestly didn't have that impression. So at least one of us was not seeing reality and I wonder whether that was me? I feel really tormented about this. The rational part of me keeps saying that it doesn't matter anymore because we're broken up. But that doesn't ease this feeling. I think what aggravates the feeling also is that at several times he felt compelled to thank me for the positive influence in his life money- and maturity-wise, while all I wanted to hear is that I have been a loving gf. I wonder if it's immature of me to have these kind of thoughts/want recognition for this? We're not teenagers anymore.

[polywog]

As far as I know, he has stopped drinking. I told him straight up at the beginning of our relationship that I wouldn't get involved with a man who has an alcohol problem. He admitted he had a problem and said that he was willing to deal with it. That was 2 years ago. After that I haven't seen him drunk anymore.

 

He did become more easily stressed and cranky after he quit drinking though. But I do think he was/is clear in his head the two years we were together.

 

I'm just sad that he thinks our relationship was such a struggle because I honestly didn't have that impression. So at least one of us was not seeing reality and I wonder whether that was me? I feel really tormented about this. The rational part of me keeps saying that it doesn't matter anymore because we're broken up. But that doesn't ease this feeling. I think what aggravates the feeling also is that at several times he felt compelled to thank me for the positive influence in his life money- and maturity-wise, while all I wanted to hear is that I have been a loving gf. I wonder if it's immature of me to have these kind of thoughts/want recognition for this? We're not teenagers anymore.

 

I would feel the same way. In fact, I suppose now that you've said what you're going through, I have similar feelings of sadness about me recent ex. He never really made me feel appreciated, and I gave him loads of support and love, that he never really acknowledged.

 

But getting back to your ex, did he go to AA meetings? I don't think a lot of alcoholics really deal if they don't do that. My best friend's husband quit drinking years before she met and married him, without going to meetings, just on his own. A few years ago he began to drink again and it was a real problem. Thank god he quit and started going to AA about a year and a half ago. Their relationship is transformed, because the meetings helped him to get to the root of all sorts of problems he never dealt with. he still had a lot of alcoholic behavior despite his sober years. Just a thought.

 

Anyhow I'm sorry you feel crappy about the bf, you are a great person here on LS, and I don't think you deserve to feel this way.

[MagnoliaJane]

Poly, your reply really touched me. I'm still not able to cry, but maybe I will, little by little. Here you go, one teardrop now. I wish it could break out. Maybe then it will be purged from my system. At first there was plain shock - lasting weeks. The feeling of being blank. Functioning but being distracted. Then there was a feeling of exhaustion and at least that made me able to sleep again. And now there is a wave of sadness, but the kind that remains inside.

 

To answer your question about AA. No he hasn't gone. He stopped talking about his urge to drink at one point. At that time he shut down all together.

 

This man has touched me deep, that is for sure. Since I am a realist (and a scientist) and also pretty introvert when it comes to feelings, and have dedicated all my life to my "art" (science is not just a job for me, it's a way of life) - I guess I've never really allowed myself to fall in love to this extent before. I've had four serious relationships before I met my ex, living together and all, but I was always so into my research that nothing could live up to that. Until the day I got my PhD. Mission accomplished. Now what?

 

That's when I started longing for traveling the world - I wanted to reinvent myself, always starting afresh, nothing to loose except my dignity and pride (and oh, was I a proud woman). I guess I'm not such a realist after all.

 

So I broke loose from my stable and secure and (in my mind then boring) relationship, switched to a new science subject and took off from Europe to live in Bolivia for a few years. It was a wonderful experience and very challenging.

 

But very slowly it sank in that it was also a lonely life and that I was sometimes living a reckless life. I took off alone to such remote places where I nearly lost my life twice - just the hazards of nature.

 

Then two years ago I moved to NYC. Three days after that I met the now-ex. His passion, stories and travel experiences dazzled me. I thought I had finally met the soul mate I had hoped/wished for. Pretty romantic novel, right? Unfortunately, it has also broken me down to the extent I wish I hadn't lived this experience with him. I was so tough while in the Bolivian mountains or jungle whenever there was a problem. I felt so empowered, independent and invincible. A problem to be solved? No worries, I always knew exactly what to do.

 

Today I am feeling exactly the opposite.

 

Love can really break you. If you allow it off course. I've more than eagerly accepted it into my life. So now I shouldn't complain right? And see the beauty of it. I have been thinking that sometimes you really get what you wish for. That thought alone can drive me nuts.

 

I'm glad that I can get it out here. It is really purging. I also hope it will make me cry.

 

Poly, how's the dog?

[lonelybird]

You think if you change to his standards or ideal woman, he will stay with you? The truth is "change yourself for another will NEVER success". Not only you exploit yourself, but also you exploit his chance to know real you.

 

Think about it, you want him to love you or the image he made up? If he doesn't love you, so what? He cannot appreciate you. The more you change yourself just for pleasing others, the more you will feel empty inside. This is NOT the way to get LOVE.

[AriaIncognito]

I'm sorry you've been feeling down, MJ. I understand how you feel. I wish I could offer words of experience or wisdom or something, but i guess we are all in this together, so to speak. Keep up the good work on the NC, it's helping you more than you know, I'm sure. Hopefully someday soon, he'll be a faint memory for you.

 

Hang in there.

[polywog]

"After about 18 months of off and on struggle about ourselves and the relationship, we have come to relax and enjoy each other and life more easily"

 

After rereading your post here, I'd like to change what he wrote in that letter:

 

"After about 18 months of off and on struggle about myself and the relationship, I have come to relax and enjoy myself and life more easily."

 

My point being, that after I read your threads, this man does not appear to have ever been able to reciprocate what you gave him on a soul-level, as a loving partner. You gave him your all, and he could neither give back nor recieve the love that you gave him. Lousy for you, but really sad for him, whether he realizes it or not. And I suspect he did realize it because he kept trying to mine some compromised version of it over the course of the break-ups by keeping it on his terms, at arm's length, by trying to be "friends".

 

 

It's not the dumping that hit me so hard, it's the realization that, no matter what I did, I was ever good enough for him in his eyes. No amount of sweet words, listening, respect, acknowledging his opinions, being patient, was doing any good. And now reading that he talks about "struggling", makes me feel even worse.

 

Of course he was struggling, he is incapable of doing love... no matter what you did, he'd never be able to take it in. His door was closed, and he kept feeling you knocking on it and was afraid to open. His struggle was in not being able to have the guts to open it and let you, with all you have to offer, in. It's like he was an emotional anorexic being offered a wonderful plate of food, which he was probably dying to eat, but would not take.

 

There was no failure on your part, only on his.

 

I know all about not being able to cry, by the way. Believe it or not, I've only had one big cry since my devastating break-up in January, and it came upon me suddenly while I was sitting next to the ocean with my dog. I just have that big sadness sitting inside of me. I just have trouble crying easily.

 

Anyhow, my dog seems to be fine. I haven't seen him much, he is at the ex's house most of the time, but once I am more settled I plan to take him for a bit.

[MagnoliaJane]

Thank you dear LS-ers!

 

Getting some of the heaviness off my chest helped me tell myself to "stop feeling sorry about what was". I read your replies this morning and something inside me moved. Something that had been kept silent for too long within my own voluntary emotional confinement. Yes, we are the sole responsibles for our own happiness. I know that.

 

But sometimes it takes more for the eyes to see and the senses to feel. Sometimes somebody else needs to say that you can't prevent some things from happening while others will never happen.

 

There's nothing within my control about the demise of the "affaire" but dealing with the loss and grief without getting caught up too much in those feelings.

 

Easier said than done...

 

So far for the romantic babble...