madgun68 Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 Hi there, First, a little background to how I have arrived where I am. Last November, the first real, deep relationship that I've ever been involved in ended after just two months. Even though I'm 38, I've spent my life putting everybody's needs in front of mine or just giving up early on relationships before they became serious. There were a lot of things I didn't know, and the relationship just went way too quickly. Anyway, during the breakup talk, my ex recommended I read the Men are from Mars book telling me that I needed to learn to listen. I bought it, but the first time I read it I wound up using the pages to emotionally beat on myself.. I decided here recently to re-read the book (and finish it this time.) I felt like maybe I did learn from it, but I wanted something else. I saw a reference to the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" in the Second Chances forum, and wow.. I saw so much of myself in it's pages. So anyway.. Where I'm at now. I've realised recently (before reading either of those books) that I really needed to focus on myself before I even try to start another relationship. In a sense, I've been trying to figure myself out because it seems like I really don't know that much about myself (as strange as that sounds.) One thing I've decided to try to do is remain focused on completing tasks and goals. I'm one of those people starts something, but winds up starting something else before I finish, so there are lots of incomplete projects and I rarely finish anything. This time, I decided to first remained focused on my car. I would do the work needed to fix it up myself and would not start anything else before it was finished. I still have more to go, and part of that is either that I'll procrastinate or wind up helping out friends (or something else), but I've remained focused on my goals. I've actually enjoyed working on the car. It's allowed me to do something for myself and I must admit, it feels good not only to do it, but feel a sense of finally seeing something through to the end. I guess the point to all of this is that I'm wondering if anyone else has read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and if they found it helpful, and if they had any advice on sticking firm to the commitment of putting yourself first. So many times I want or need something (even small) but just don't ask because it's easier to come up with an excuse than to worry about the possibility of feeling uncomfortable asking for something from someone. Any thoughts or advice would be welcome. I've often felt unhappy with the way things are in my life in general, even though with some effort, I could change that around. (I just need to actually do something about it.)
beautifulearth83 Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 I relate in that I'd like to work on getting better at completing things. Things are so much more rewarding when they have momentum and when you feel more absorbed in it. There has been something in my mind lately that second guesses, or analyzes the actions. It takes away from some of the things I enjoy very much and I'm not sure how to improve, but I'm trying to find a way. I also relate in that I have a hard time asking certain people for things because I already feel like I'm in debt to others enough. Yet, at times when I put others first, I feel like I've been walked over or sold myself short. I know your post was regarding your situation, but I thought I'd put myself first. ;] Anyway, I do truly believe that if you are able to stay absorbed into your hobbies and what you love doing and somehow mixing that with the ability to give to and/or inspire others, then the connections and situations will more likely fall into place.
lonelybird Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 If you work on "put you first all the time", then you will become Mr. BAD guy. It is really not good for a healthy relationship, only cause many dramas and end up hurting others. There are two kinds of giving: 1. Forced giving = doormate = "nice" guy = bad guy When you sacrifice your dignity and only try to make others happy, then probably you belong to this category. This mean Idolatry, you worship other people as gods. 2. Willingly giving = Mr. Wonderful So how to change from *forced giving* to *willingly giving*? searching more your soul deep down. Who are you? what do you want in life? what is your value system? what meaning of life in general?
monkey00 Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 Sometimes I dont like asking people for things either, I figure if i can get the job done myself why bother? And sometimes it can be the best option to utilize your own resources rather than relying on someone else's as you have more control over it...and as we all know people can be very unreliable at times. But that isnt my point, my point is it never hurts to ask...especially the small things. Only good will come out of it, and if help doesnt come your way you're only back to square one. Human beings naturally use one another to reach their goals, its a give and take society. So if you really want self-improvement, i suggest you question yourself which aspect of yourself or your life you want to enhance. You can only find the right answers when you ask the right questions.
Author madgun68 Posted May 21, 2007 Author Posted May 21, 2007 If you work on "put you first all the time", then you will become Mr. BAD guy. It is really not good for a healthy relationship, only cause many dramas and end up hurting others. I don't want to always put myself first. I do, however, want to spend time these next few months putting myself first though. There are certain projects I really want to accomplish to make myself feel happier, and these need to get done for this to happen. They have been projects for too long now.. There are two kinds of giving: 1. Forced giving = doormate = "nice" guy = bad guy When you sacrifice your dignity and only try to make others happy, then probably you belong to this category. This mean Idolatry, you worship other people as gods. This is me to some extent. I do belong in this category. I have two problems with this. First, I've always had a problem saying "no." I don't know why, but I've always felt wierd saying it. So I say yes far too often.. even if I don't want to, I do. What starts to happen, though, is that even though I'm saying yes, I begin to resent them for asking. The more they ask, the more I resent them. After a while, I just start to avoid them completely. I also don't set boundaries.. So I don't really give myself a chance to say no. I don't stop and think "this is what I'm willing to do for this person and no more." 2. Willingly giving = Mr. Wonderful So how to change from *forced giving* to *willingly giving*? searching more your soul deep down. I'm going to try to work on this. If I just learn to set boundaries and stick to them, when I do give, it will be willingly and not feel forced (even though it's really my fault doing so when I don't want to.) Who are you? what do you want in life? what is your value system? what meaning of life in general? Wow. I'm not sure how to answer those right now. Things have changed so much in the last 7-8 months. The relationship ended shortly before Thanksgiving. Normally, this probably wouldn't have been as big of an issue, but both my parents are deceased and most of my family on my fathers side have passed on. (I have never really been all that close to family on my step-mother's side of the family.) I fell in a pretty bad depression. Felt alone and very overwhelmed with being unhappy with several aspects of my life (car, household, job..) I also realised that many things that I thought made me happy, really didn't.. Maybe content, but not really happy. Right now, I'm slowly working on those things. That's why I've given myself a couple of months to just focus on me.. These are things I can do to improve my sense of happiness. As I do them, I finding more about myself and what makes me happy.
Author madgun68 Posted May 21, 2007 Author Posted May 21, 2007 I relate in that I'd like to work on getting better at completing things. Things are so much more rewarding when they have momentum and when you feel more absorbed in it. There has been something in my mind lately that second guesses, or analyzes the actions. It takes away from some of the things I enjoy very much and I'm not sure how to improve, but I'm trying to find a way. I also relate in that I have a hard time asking certain people for things because I already feel like I'm in debt to others enough. Yet, at times when I put others first, I feel like I've been walked over or sold myself short.I'm finding it easier just by keeping focused on one thing at a time. Even if I don't work on it every chance I get, it keeps me from feeling overwhelmed. (I've started to make a "to-do" list.) As far as asking for help from others, I think my problem might be that I've spent so long thinking of others, that now I feel awkward asking for someone to help me. I don't consider that I'll owe them. I do know that "walked over feeling" though. Take my step-sister for example. She's the type who only seems to call when she needs something. Now, whenever she calls I instantly think to myself "great, what do you want this time?" Even though I feel that way, it still is my problem. Too often, I wind up helping people even though I really don't want to. I need to say "no" more. I know your post was regarding your situation, but I thought I'd put myself first. ;] Perfectly acceptable in my book. It's similar, so we're still on topic.. And I think just talking about things openly helps.. especially if you can relate to others. Anyway, I do truly believe that if you are able to stay absorbed into your hobbies and what you love doing and somehow mixing that with the ability to give to and/or inspire others, then the connections and situations will more likely fall into place. I think that's true. I think that if you're willing to stand up for yourself, and not put yourself in situations where you feel walked on, and really enjoy what you're doing, you'll be happier all around. People are much more likely to be drawn towards you if you're happy.
little_girl Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 :Di'm also one of those people who give & ask for nothing in return....i remember my deceased fiance' use to always tell me "just ask"....& i never did....i'm sorry now that i did'nt....anyway i just had friends take me to the clinic & see a dr. about getting on anti-depressants....i now have a prescription for drugs....a psychiatrist appt....cuz i'm crazy...???no cuz it was when i did'nt show up for work one day....i had no phone so no one could call me....so they were looking all over for me....they went to every bar....& sent someone to my apartment....knocking on my door & ringing the bell & hollering for me....i had every intention of going to work that day but i was so exhasted from sleep deprivation...??if that's the right word....that after i took a shower & put mt make-up on....i fell asleep on my couch....my depression now is affecting my job....& i would never ask for help....why...?cuz my daddy always told me that were "survivors"....must of led me to believe that i did'nt need to ask for help....i was so wrong....sometimes we do need to concentrate on "ourselves" & "just ask".....lol:love:
lonelybird Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 I know what you mean "difficult to say no", how about begin to pratice to say "no"? from small things to big things. It won't hurt us. You will like this when you start it. Think about what others might think of you if you don't agree with them, this really is a burdensome life style. That's why value system and know WHO ARE YOU are very important. As long as you know well of youself, and content with yourself, TRUE SELF, it would be easy to set boundaries. YOU NEED TO BE TRUE TO YOURSELF. When you don't feel like to do something for others, tell them so. Others might cross border to get what they want, if YOU don't tell them, they don't know. Follow your heart, then pratice TRUE to yourself, you will love it!
lonelybird Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 Oh, now I am thinking certain verses in the Bible, it means "if someone want your outer garment, you give them and even give them your inner garment":confused:, "if someone slap you on the left face, you give them right face":confused: Sometimes I found people who bend themselves to please others, then in the end they feel EMPTY inside. WHAT makes difference between these two cases? Now I am thinking the first one is trying to please God, so they feel full The second one is trying to please people (idolatry) so they feel empty Sounds right.....
whichwayisup Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 I am more of a giver as well, I know I'll always be that too...But, over time I've learned to say NO once in a while and also not be so quick to offer to help someone out. Problem is, when you are a giver, people expect it of you and take advantage. Not in a mean or malcious way, it just becomes a known thing! Good ol' reliable WWIU, she'll help! Well, I tell ya, when I first started say "no, I'm sorry I can't help" (you don't owe the explanation to them of why you can't) the shock was unbelievable! My mom called me SELFISH. Yeah, that pissed me off. It feels good to put yourself first once in a while and not have others rely on you so much.
Author madgun68 Posted May 25, 2007 Author Posted May 25, 2007 I wish I had the answers to some of this. The author of that book I mentioned seemed to find in most cases, some childhood trauma was the cause. I can't say that with certainty, although my childhood was quite unusual to say the least. I don't do things to please others. Why exactly I cave in, I don't know.. I just know it isn't to please them. It just seems like my own feelings on the subject don't matter enough on the subject for me to consider them, no matter how badly I don't want to do it. (This isn't always the case.. But happens more often than not.) When my last relationship ended, I really thought that I had lost myself at some point. Looking back, I think I lost myself long before that.. I had just started opening up to not only my partner at the time, but to myself too. That's when I noticed. That's why I want to see this through.
Recommended Posts