Author Scott_W Posted June 2, 2007 Author Posted June 2, 2007 It's true that I don't want to hurt her husband. And it's true that I want to go back to being a good man. But I'm deeply in love with her and I believe that she is with me. It's taken me so long just get to this point, where I think I can stop seeing her and eventually even be OK. I HAVE had counseling and I've read and researched and attended self-help seminars. But just because I've arrived at this point where I'm determined and somewhat more able now, doesn't mean she is ready. And I will NOT hurt her if there is anyway I can do this without hurting her. I love her. While I understand there is no painless way, I believe there must be ways that are at least LESS painful. Just coldly shutting her down and turning my back on her? Her mind will race to wrong devastating conclusions. Just like I did. She tried that with me, several times, during the early years. She once told me she would love me forever, secretly and in pain. I thought she was lying and trying to find a bull**** way of dumping me. Now I know she believed that the only way was the hard way. But I remember the pain and I won't do that back to her. She didn't hurt me out of malice, she was trying to do the right thing so there's nothing to get even for or pay back. There must be someway I can communicate with her her and enable her to see that I want this to end for her as much as I do for me. To help her understand that ending this does NOT mean that I don't love her. I would like to try, at least one more time, to commuincate on this level with her. She will try to stop me from going there unless I find a way to get her to really listen and help her see that this is best for us and the best way we can love each other is to sacrifice what we have.
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 2, 2007 Posted June 2, 2007 You can tell her flat out how you feel, and what would be best but she doesn't sound capable of understanding it. She obviously doesn't care who she hurts, as long as the situation works for her. If you try to leave, she will pile on the emotional blackmail and keep reeling you back in. I think that when you come to understand that she loves you, but loves herself more then it will be easier to let go. She doesn't want what is best for you, or her husband. She wants what it best for HER and will mow down anyone in her path who tries to prevent that from happening, either through guilt and manipulation or outright emotional blackmail. The best way to do this is to tell her point blank how you feel, do not wait for a response and simply walk away. Change your contact information, do not contact her and do not let her contact you. Trying to do this the nice way would be like trying to get rid of a fire ant hill one ant at a time. You have to pour on the poison and kill the whole colony at once.
messit Posted June 2, 2007 Posted June 2, 2007 I would like to try, at least one more time, to commuincate on this level with her. She will try to stop me from going there unless I find a way to get her to really listen and help her see that this is best for us and the best way we can love each other is to sacrifice what we have. You cannot make people listen if they do not want to hear. Even the most perfectly articulated, undeniably sound statements will not penetrate unless someone is willing to listen. If you have to present an explanation, I'm with LB, do it and walk away. And NC means NC.
Author Scott_W Posted June 2, 2007 Author Posted June 2, 2007 FWIW: I appreciate, very much, this feedback - all of it. I check in here as frequently as possible. It helps. I've read so many similar situations. The hard honesty of peole who have experienced the same things as well as the rationalizing of others who have experienced this - it all helps. I sure managed to rationalize plenty myself. And maybe I can help someone else. I'll update this as things happen.
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