Scott_W Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 I’m finally strong enough to stop seeing her. Every day now is the day I’ll stop this. I just need a little more help. I know I only have myself to blame. I’m deeply ashamed of this but so far that hasn’t stopped me from being with her. From those of you who have really stopped - how did you finally do it? From those of you who are still stuck, why can’t you stop? My situation: This affair has been going on for 7 plus years. She’s much younger than me. She initiated the romance, telling me she fell in love with me. I left my wife for her – 7 years ago. She still lives with her husband, claiming no intimacy exists between them. She says he is mean and verbally abusive. She tells me the thought of intimacy with him is revolting to her – they keep separate bedrooms. I think I understand how people can be stuck, not being able to break free. But then maybe that’s all just BS. I’m deeply in love with her - but diminishing and getting less painful. During the first 6 years she promised she would leave him and be with me, but has put it off. This last year, she changed to saying she knows she needs to leave him, but won’t be able to anytime soon. Still needs more time. During first 4 years she tried (a dozen times) to do no contact. She was usually very hard and cruel about it. Crushing me each time. Sending me into a dismal pit of depression. Then within days, she would come, each time. I've never done a no contact ... yet. After 4 years she stopped attempting to break up, saying she knows she’s hopelessly stuck on me. But now the past two years have been me nagging that we can’t keep this up. Her reactions have been varied. Sometimes telling me I can’t leave her and I know it, so just stop trying, just accept that it is what it is. She says she loves me and needs me – that I’m all she has to look forward to. She tells me it will crush her if I leave her. And now she won’t talk about it anymore. She’ll punish me by getting pissed if I try to discuss it. But if I behave by avoiding the subject, she rewards me with showers of showers of sex, cuddling, and sweet talk. She’s trying to train me – I know.. We see each other 3 or 4 times each week. But it’s booty calls, we do everything for each other, sexually – then dinner or lunch at one of our hid-a-ways. After each rendezvous I’m alone, missing her, feeling lonely, scummy - about the lies and cheating, nearly always angry at her for not being with me. I’m alone every freaking night. No more left to say that she hasn’t heard a thousand times. No more to negotiate My feelings have worn down to less love, less needy. It will be painful but not impossible to end this. All I have to do now is tell her I won’t see her anymore. But I still love her, and can’t stand thinking of her in pain – that thought is unbearable. I keep trying to be OK with this. But it’s wrong! It’s cheating. This relationship is not good for either of us. One day we’ll get busted and then her husband will be hurt. Even if she’s right about his abusive behavior – two wrongs don’t make a right. I must end this - I'm determined to do it.
Tony T Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 This is very good news. If it gets to be too much of an emotional struggle, get counseling. Nothing but good can come out of this. GREAT!!!
whichwayisup Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 Consider going to see a therapist who can help you figure YOU out and what it is about you that makes you hang onto a married woman. The therapy can really help you gain the strength and self confidence so the MW CANNOT pull your strings, make you feel guilty or manipulated. Right now it seems she has you on a string and pulls it whenever she feels like it. She's got total control, not you. Time to get your control back and move on... You left your wife for her and she didn't leave her husband. If things were/are that bad at home with her husband she would have left already. Her actions, (non-actions) speak louder than her words. She is selfish and wants to have the stability of a home life, the house, lifestyle, friends, money, etc....AND have you on the side. That is unfair to her husband, to you and to their kids, if they have any... Good for you for finally wanting out. You deserve better than what you're getting. Unfortunately, she isn't able to give you what you want...She can only offer you 'abit' of her. Good luck and I hope you find the strength to actually end it and get into no contact mode, which will help you deal with the pain of losing her.
Author Scott_W Posted May 20, 2007 Author Posted May 20, 2007 OK - Some really helpful points here. I wish I knew about this forum sooner. I'll look into therapy tomorrow. So then, another question. What about just leaving a VM? No discussions, no wordy explanations. There has been too much talk already and to her it's all just "blah blah blah". She has even told me I think too much and shouldn't worry my pretty little head. (I'm glad I can be anonymous here). Each time so far, I've waited to speak face to face with her about this. Out of respect etc. But, as you've probably guessed, everytime I've broached the subject, she outsmarts me in various ways. I'm otherwise capable but so far, not able to manage this. So now that I've failed so many attempts, I think it may be best to just leave a VM - something like. "I know you can never get free and I'm not OK with what we're doing. I wont see you any more." I don't want to leave a door open with anything about "Call me when you're free". To me that suggests that my NC is just a ploy to shake her loose, which to me is a form of control. This has to be HER decision, for herself, not for me. I want to do this with zero expectations from her. Only with the idea of what I'm doing with my life from now on.
Trimmer Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 I don't want to leave a door open with anything about "Call me when you're free". To me that suggests that my NC is just a ploy to shake her loose, which to me is a form of control. This has to be HER decision, for herself, not for me. Acutally, it's not HER decision, and anything about HER should be out of your consideration. The whole point that will set you on your path to becoming whole again is that you are starting to realize that you need to take a step that is completely for yourself, and completely about yourself. I your decision is to move on with your own life, then commit to that decision, look forward, and move on. I'm not claiming that it will be easy, but the alternative is your continued quagmire. No discussions, no wordy explanations. You've had 7 years for that. You both pretty much know where you stand by now, and you are completely stalled. I don't know how old you are, but this 7+ year affair has occupied your emotional being for somewhere from 15-20% of your entire life, and most likely a quarter or more of your "adult" life. Think of how much of your life you have spent in limbo, waiting for something to happen, "...missing her, feeling lonely, scummy - about the lies and cheating, nearly always angry at her for not being with me.... alone every freaking night." When you write the story of your life, how many more pages do you want taken up with this? ...can’t stand thinking of her in pain – that thought is unbearable. But you can't let that shake your resolve if you are committed to this course. You will both feel pain - you are already in pain - the alternative is to continue slowly rotting away with no end in sight. I want to do this with zero expectations from her. Only with the idea of what I'm doing with my life from now on. If this isn't working (and you've had plenty of time to realize that...) then focus, commit to a decision, and move forward. I agree with WWIU - try a counselor to help you get your own feelings in order and under your control...
Trimmer Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 I don't want to leave a door open with anything about "Call me when you're free". To me that suggests that my NC is just a ploy to shake her loose, which to me is a form of control. This has to be HER decision, for herself, not for me. Incidentally, I agree with your first sentence - for you, this NC is not about controlling her, but in contrast to your last sentence, the whole point is to send her a message - NOT that you are putting this into her lap for a decision to be made - but as simple, final notification that you have made a committed, irrevocable decision for yourself. The point is that it doesn't hinge on her decision.
pricillia Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 I’m finally strong enough to stop seeing her. Every day now is the day I’ll stop this. I just need a little more help. I know I only have myself to blame. I’m deeply ashamed of this but so far that hasn’t stopped me from being with her. From those of you who have really stopped - how did you finally do it? From those of you who are still stuck, why can’t you stop? My situation: This affair has been going on for 7 plus years. She’s much younger than me. She initiated the romance, telling me she fell in love with me. I left my wife for her – 7 years ago. She still lives with her husband, claiming no intimacy exists between them. She says he is mean and verbally abusive. She tells me the thought of intimacy with him is revolting to her – they keep separate bedrooms. I think I understand how people can be stuck, not being able to break free. But then maybe that’s all just BS. I’m deeply in love with her - but diminishing and getting less painful. During the first 6 years she promised she would leave him and be with me, but has put it off. This last year, she changed to saying she knows she needs to leave him, but won’t be able to anytime soon. Still needs more time. During first 4 years she tried (a dozen times) to do no contact. She was usually very hard and cruel about it. Crushing me each time. Sending me into a dismal pit of depression. Then within days, she would come, each time. I've never done a no contact ... yet. After 4 years she stopped attempting to break up, saying she knows she’s hopelessly stuck on me. But now the past two years have been me nagging that we can’t keep this up. Her reactions have been varied. Sometimes telling me I can’t leave her and I know it, so just stop trying, just accept that it is what it is. She says she loves me and needs me – that I’m all she has to look forward to. She tells me it will crush her if I leave her. And now she won’t talk about it anymore. She’ll punish me by getting pissed if I try to discuss it. But if I behave by avoiding the subject, she rewards me with showers of showers of sex, cuddling, and sweet talk. She’s trying to train me – I know.. We see each other 3 or 4 times each week. But it’s booty calls, we do everything for each other, sexually – then dinner or lunch at one of our hid-a-ways. After each rendezvous I’m alone, missing her, feeling lonely, scummy - about the lies and cheating, nearly always angry at her for not being with me. I’m alone every freaking night. No more left to say that she hasn’t heard a thousand times. No more to negotiate My feelings have worn down to less love, less needy. It will be painful but not impossible to end this. All I have to do now is tell her I won’t see her anymore. But I still love her, and can’t stand thinking of her in pain – that thought is unbearable. I keep trying to be OK with this. But it’s wrong! It’s cheating. This relationship is not good for either of us. One day we’ll get busted and then her husband will be hurt. Even if she’s right about his abusive behavior – two wrongs don’t make a right. I must end this - I'm determined to do it. Maybe write her a letter, What you wrote above will suffice, it is all great! I feel for you Good Luck... You should not be alone!
messit Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 If you're serious about cutting it, cut it. NC. Don't explain. Focus on the task at hand -- moving on. Cold turkey. I've only been in my situation for a few months and I only survive it because I know that I will be moving cross country in the next 12-18 months. I have an end date for resolution (or a beginning date in the highly unlikely event she leaves him for me). I cannot image what 7 years of limbo must be like. The not having her there in the morning. The not getting to share regular social activities. The weird sense of time and proportion. If you are in any way unfulfilled, any contact will feed you and weaken your resolve. Done is done.
rosiecakes Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 Scott you sound so sweet and kind. Good Lord you don't need this headache. I just ended an 8 month LD "affair"--he wasn't married, but engaged to LT, LD gf. Oh my God I feel like singing hallelujah. To know that I NEVER have to feel that gnawing, horrible jealousy, trying to figure out his psyche, worrying when's the next time she'll visit. What a horrible situation. Personally, I feel like a HUGE ball and chain has been lifted from me. Thank the freakin' Lord. I thought it would be so scary to go cold turkey--not at all. The bad part is being in the situation in the first place! Maybe there are some who can do it, fine. More power to them. But if you are deeply suffering, like you are and I was, then you can't. it's like having a festering, oozing sore. It constantly hurts, even when you deny it. It taints everything. You have a GOOD conscience and you should listen to it. Now that I'm out of it, I realize I was brainwashed to some extent by my "MM's" rationales. I always knew it was wrong, I always HATED it on some level. And yet to do it, I had ot go along with HIS morality ("What she doesn't know can't hurt her.") He is fine with leading this double life, cheating, lying, betraying. That was HIS psyche that won out, not mine. I abandoned myself and my principles and learned to think like him, which sucked. I feel "clean" now, and I feel sorry for him that he still lives in that world. Yuck. Believe in yourself, sweetheart!! You will LOVE your nights alone without pain, without drama, with a clear conscience, without worry. You will find a friend in yourself. I did. I liked and respected myself for leaving. And realized how twisted the whole frigging situation was. But it took me several tries. Maybe 10 or so. He always cajoled me back. You might have to go through it a few times before you can "quit," but believe me, you will be happy. I know it. When I said goodbye I said it was just for a while, and maybe we'd talk again after the gf left. But almost immediately I knew I wouldn't. Yuck. I never ever want to go near a situation like that again. Good luck! You are RIGHT to be bothered by it. Believe in yourself and follow your OWN instincts about right and wrong. P.S. What finally got me to quit? Coming to boards like this helped. But I have to say it was the last stolen phone sex while "the gf" was out of the apartment. I felt very very cheap and gross afterwards for the first time. Burst into tears. Felt used and disgusting. No thanks! P.P.S. From what you say she is very good at manipulating you. I think the best thing in this case is to just go NC. Or a quick e-mail saying you're done. She's dangerous and will know how to play you. If you don't do it right away, try again later. You will eventually and you will be so happy.
cbl Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 sorry things couldn't have been easier for you. but good for you that you've decided to leave. speaking from the experience of an OW... don't say good-bye. just leave things the way they are. no seeking closures from her, as you are fully aware you won't get it anyway. by sending her a VM, you are subconsicously looking for a response back from her. If she responds, you know what you will get - another 7 years of waiting and you deserve so much better then just waiting for her to be free; if she doesn't respond, then you'll only suffer more emotionally. feeling ashamed. traumatized. it isn't easy to do so in the beginning. but things will get better day by day. seek counseling if you can. also go out dating - most people are against this idea but i do think if you can be honest with your dates, telling them that you don't want anything more than just friendship, it should be fine. good luck.
whichwayisup Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 Send her an email telling her it's over and not to contact you ever again. The email IS the goodbye. Make it clear to her that as long as she is married, you want nothing to do with her, not even a casual friendship. If and when she contacts you, do not answer her. Block her IM's/text/Email and her number from your cell and at home. There has been too much talk already and to her it's all just "blah blah blah". She has even told me I think too much and shouldn't worry my pretty little head. (I'm glad I can be anonymous here). That's offensive. Not to worry your pretty little head - IT means she looks at you as a piece of meat, and she can have access to you anytime she wants (on HER terms) and she calls the shots with not only seeing you, but HOW the conversation goes. She wants you to stay quiet and do what she wants. WTF. Each time so far, I've waited to speak face to face with her about this. Out of respect etc. But, as you've probably guessed, everytime I've broached the subject, she outsmarts me in various ways. I'm otherwise capable but so far, not able to manage this. See, manipulation. She doesn't want any drama, she wants things simple, not serious and easy. You're the OM who provides her fun, and she isn't going to offer you 'friendship' and 'caring' the way you want it. I'm glad that you see things from another side, you do deserve better. So now that I've failed so many attempts, I think it may be best to just leave a VM - something like. "I know you can never get free and I'm not OK with what we're doing. I wont see you any more." Do the email.... I don't want to leave a door open with anything about "Call me when you're free". To me that suggests that my NC is just a ploy to shake her loose, which to me is a form of control. This has to be HER decision, for herself, not for me. Even if she does leave her H, (which is unlikely) she isn't going to jump into a relationship with you right after. Take a look at ratingsguy's posts...His situation can help you. I want to do this with zero expectations from her. Only with the idea of what I'm doing with my life from now on. Yes, what you feel and think counts, so it's good you're putting yourself first now.
Author Scott_W Posted May 21, 2007 Author Posted May 21, 2007 Acutally, it's not HER decision, and anything about HER should be out of your consideration. I meant to say it's her decsion to leave the husband or not. I can see that I wasn't clear. Anyway, you got the point and I appreciate your feedback.
Author Scott_W Posted May 21, 2007 Author Posted May 21, 2007 Send her an email telling her it's over and not to contact you ever again. The email IS the goodbye. Make it clear to her that as long as she is married, you want nothing to do with her, not even a casual friendship. If and when she contacts you, do not answer her. Block her IM's/text/Email and her number from your cell and at home. WWIU ... I really appreciate everything you've said. I'm doing this immediately. But I'm forced to use VM though - email is too risky and we rarely used it all these years. I'll take your reply and apply it to the cell phone VM. Anyway, I will do this. I'll be kind but firm and then cut off communication. This has been so peculiar for me. I'm normally decisive and I've faced up to so many things in life that required courage. But this one has brought me to my knees. At this point, I just have to "sack up" and do what has to be done. I'll never get involved with a married woman again.
Author Scott_W Posted May 27, 2007 Author Posted May 27, 2007 You okay Scott? Not bad. Thanks for asking. I see I deleted my post so I'll try again. I don't have enough time to write a brief message, so I'll write this long one instead I’m determined to end this for two reasons. It so wrongIt’s chronic pain – being alone so much and playing second string to husband, home and career.Although she assures me there’s nothing between her and her husband – no sex – separate beds now for seven years. But her values prevent her from throwing him away. In the past year or so, I’ve been nagging on her about ending this. – Really though … I was nagging to get her to leave him and be with me … which, of course, she knew. But there’s the two things (above) – the wrongness and the pain – no, make that three things – what are we going to do to the poor fat husband if we get busted. I don’t want to hurt this guy. And over the years, all of these things are sinking in on me and I’m waking up to the sad fact that I’ve become an evil, selfish prick, all over this sexy girl. Jesus! I’m single, capable, wealthy and more than able to find my own girl. WTF! What am I doing? Well, I was in love with her – totally f*cked up over her. So in the past few months, I’m determined to end the affair! Don’t get me wrong, I’m not getting self righteous all of a sudden. I have no claim to that. But I would like to get a little piece of self respect back … and build from there. But ending this is easier said that done. I’m addicted to her She’s outsmarts me every time I try to end this. Most recently, I started posting here and this is helping. Now I’ve got this little community that understands and wants to help me stop. Now this week, my latest attempt to stop: I bring it all up AGAIN!!!! The wrongness of his affair. She’s sick of hearing me nag on about it. How did she almost outsmart me this time? She quickly stopped me by changing this discussion to me being a big baby because I whine when she doesn’t have time for me. That’s true by the way … I’m guilty. But she does too so that’s not fair Anyway, she succeeded in making me feel like a baby, but she would forgive me if I stop whining, stop trying to break up and agree to finish this discussion tomorrow (which really meant – be available for f*cking and providing orgasms (which I’ve become pretty good at doing for her over all these years). Anyway, we kissed and said, “see ya tomorrow” … and I was soooooo relieved that she wasn’t pissed at me. …. and that’s how my NC effort went – at least the face to face attempt. But I got home – and realized I just caved again. Am I a p*ssy or what? So I called, hoping for no answer, and got her VM. I left the message I tried to give face to face … ending this. It’s been over 24 hours now … no call from her. She’s either pissed or deciding how to spank me and get me back in line. But I’m not going back! No way in hell. Its’ wrong and I don’t want anything to do with hurting the H. I need my self respect back and this is my start. I knew it was wrong when I was doing it but did it anyway. Tell me … am I f*cking sick? Is this what we go through for screwing with what doesn’t belong to us? Whatever …. I’m DONE! I’ll never do this again. I think it was Capote who wrote, "We’re all in complete control of our lives, until the day we lose control of our lives”
dignityback Posted May 27, 2007 Posted May 27, 2007 Hi Scott. The main thing is that you have decided to end this and get your self respect and dignity back. It is not an easy decision to reach, but you know when you have had enough. As you seem to imply, you are her play thing. At the end of the day she leaves your place and goes back to her husband. She can't face throwing him away but she is happy to cheat on him. Glad you can see the injustice in this. Just cut her off-change all your contact details and she will get the message eventually. If she continues pestering you, threaten to expose the affair to her husband (I know you won't but it may scare her into leaving you alone hopefully). You will be OK and the longer you are away from her, the easier it gets-believe me, I have been there. You have more sense than to continue being her side dish, because she has been using you to satisfy her own needs.
Lady Aurora Posted May 27, 2007 Posted May 27, 2007 Although she assures me there’s nothing between her and her husband – no sex – separate beds now for seven years. But her values prevent her from throwing him away. But, apparently her values don't prevent her from treating you like dirt. She’s outsmarts me every time I try to end this. This is negative thinking. You are not stupid. You are allowing her to manipulate you. I bring it all up AGAIN!!!! The wrongness of his affair. She’s sick of hearing me nag on about it. Then stop nagging. Make a resolution, get stubborn and stick with it. She quickly stopped me by changing this discussion to me being a big baby because I whine when she doesn’t have time for me. That’s true by the way … I’m guilty. But she does too so that’s not fair Again, you are allowing her to belittle you this way. Tell her to shut up or hang up. Anyway, she succeeded in making me feel like a baby, but she would forgive me if I stop whining, stop trying to break up and agree to finish this discussion tomorrow (which really meant – be available for f*cking and providing orgasms (which I’ve become pretty good at doing for her over all these years). She succeeded in making you feel like a baby, and you played right into it. You need to get tough with this girl. She is not your mother! And you don't need her forgiveness. Forgiveness for what?!?!?!? For having some morals and wanting to do the right thing? She senses you trying to become independent from her, and she doesn't want you out from under her thumb. She is manipulating you, using you and controlling you. But I got home – and realized I just caved again. Am I a p*ssy or what? No. But, you have convinced yourself that you need her approval. You need to do some serious soul searching and find your self-worth. You got self-esteem issues, hon. But I’m not going back! No way in hell. Its’ wrong and I don’t want anything to do with hurting the H. I need my self respect back and this is my start. Just keep saying this over and over and over and over and.... Tell me … am I f*cking sick? Is this what we go through for screwing with what doesn’t belong to us? You are not sick. You are hurt very deeply inside. Counseling may help. I'm pullin' for ya babe. You can do this. Aura
whichwayisup Posted May 27, 2007 Posted May 27, 2007 Scott, when you've actually had enough of her pulling you all over the place, and fed up with her lines of crap she's feeding you, you WILL end it and walk away. For now, just keep busy and do all that you can so you DO NOT talk to her, period! Make it be in your mind that it is OVER. If you talk to her at all, she's going to manipulate you into whatever she wants out of you....Scott, you are her side dish! She can have you anytime she wants, like you're some piece of meat!! Doesn't that just piss you off??? Letting her have all this control over you??? SCREW her feelings and what she thinks, she certainly has no respect for yours! WHO cares if she's pissed off at you! You should be pissed at HER! The ball is in your court, I hope you realize this. You don't know how much control you actually have.....
overandout Posted May 27, 2007 Posted May 27, 2007 Scott, if you truly want out then you will find a way to get out. She is just using you because at the end of the day she is not changing her life for you. The longer you stay in the affair, the more she will disrespect you. She will actually some to despise the fact you will tolerate so little from her. She will continue to take it because it spices up her own life, but at the end of the day, she leaves you and return to her husband. You see for yourself what is wrong with this scenario which is good. That you feel used and empty is normal--most people in your situation feel like this.
Trimmer Posted May 28, 2007 Posted May 28, 2007 Although she assures me there’s nothing between her and her husband – no sex – separate beds now for seven years. But her values prevent her from throwing him away. But, apparently her values don't prevent her from treating you like dirt. Nor do those values which honor the sanctity of marriage prevent her from straying outside that marriage for sex and companionship. Really, it sounds like her values are "just don't look like you lack values." In the past year or so, I’ve been nagging on her about ending this. – Really though … I was nagging to get her to leave him and be with me … which, of course, she knew. And now that you know that the real point is actually back to ending it, you need no longer rely on her to take action. You are back in control now. So in the past few months, I’m determined to end the affair! Don’t get me wrong, I’m not getting self righteous all of a sudden. I have no claim to that. But I would like to get a little piece of self respect back … and build from there. There's no reason you shouldn't be righteous - get right with yourself, do the right thing, as you see it. You don't need to wear the arrogance towards others that we usually associate with "self-righteousness", but you can use your feeling of wanting to get right with your own values to guide you. I think it was Capote who wrote, "We’re all in complete control of our lives, until the day we lose control of our lives” And it was Trimmer who wrote: "We're in control of our lives, until the day we give up control of our lives."
Author Scott_W Posted June 1, 2007 Author Posted June 1, 2007 I left the VM as I said. Then she called and I answered. She accused me of either "punishing" her - for the many times she didn't have time for me, or that I found someone else and had to shut this affair down to make way for the new girl. She couldn't talk long that time and we disconnected quickly. But not before she said, "Haven't I been good to you? - What are you doing? I love you, why are you doing this?" Her accusations haunted me through the afternoon, but even more so during the night while trying to sleep. Was I trying to punish her? This has been so painful for so long, so maybe she was right? I don't know for sure, but I don't think so. And there is no "new girl" so the idea of someone else was ridiculous. At least until the night, when my mind would race in and out of sleep. Maybe she was right? Not that there was already someone else, that is no specific person, but the imaginary girls, yet to get to know, after I free myself from this affair, when I could be just a normal man. A thought I frequently entertained to help me see some future after this. That thought weighed heavy, causing guilt and deprived me of sleep. How could I be thinking of chasing others at a time like this? She saw through me, I thought. Not exactly on target, not that there was a specific girl, but close enough to the truth. Anyway I felt guilty. She knows me well enough to sense that I'm not sincere in just wanting to "do the right thing". Either I was pissed and wanted to punish her, or wanted to be free to date and have fun. But NO. I want to do what's right and this all has to end. Then finally slept and woke up, to a slow Sunday, with time to think. By the end of a long day, with time to think, I managed to come FULL CIRCLE to the idea that I'll never have with anyone else, what we have together. I realized that I HAVE been a nag, just complaining about the times she can't be free. I decided that I must stop pissing and moaning about those lonely times. Hell, I have too much to do, way more than enough to keep busy. I decided that a couple, maybe three times each week, with her, are good enough for me. Certainly better than too much time with someone less than her. Then I felt peaceful, finally. I had decided, finally, that this was my life. And not a bad one either!. I have a passionate love affair with the girl of my dreams. It's so good to be loved. That was Sunday. But on Monday, I woke up again. This time thinking "WTF" - "what's wrong with me? I can't do this!. This is all so wrong! I'd been reading about how betrayed spouses are so freaking hurt, so devastated! And that is exactly what her and I will do to him on the inevitable day we get busted. So now - At this point I'm powerless - again. I need professional help and that's my next step.
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 She accused me of either "punishing" her "Haven't I been good to you? - What are you doing? I love you, why are you doing this?" She would have to be either a complete moron or over the top mentally ill if she can't see the true answers to this, and how completely absurd it is to even consider saying such things to you. She knows that she is doing you (and not to mention her husband) all sorts of wrong, and is projecting that onto you, and trying to make herself look like the victim. It works too. She has you feeling like you are obligated to her in some way, that you owe her - and until you can kick that off, you are going to keep going around in circles with her. It wouldn't hurt to change/block your contact information from her. She can't manipulate you, if she can't reach you. She sounds like a master of emotional blackmail and passive aggressive manipulation. I can't imagine what it must be like to be married to someone who is this way, and on top of that is a liar and a cheat. Surely that isn't your goal in life, to end up with someone like this? I'm sure you know you can do better. Much better.
hardcase Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 This is very good news. If it gets to be too much of an emotional struggle, get counseling. Nothing but good can come out of this. GREAT!!! Yes, its great that he is breaking it off. But for 7 years there was a husband that has been betrayed....so its not so great. And I don't think that he is breaking it off because he feels like he is doing the husband wrong.
Trimmer Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 ...I don't think that he is breaking it off because he feels like he is doing the husband wrong. He himself may not even be perfectly clear why he's trying to break it off; the important thing for now is that he can find some motivation - any motivation - whether it's completely selfish, completely altruistic, or somewhere inbetween, to give him the power to do what he knows he needs to. He can work through the wreckage later, but for now, I'm not going to beat him up for not having a perfectly refined reason for doing the right thing... She couldn't talk long that time and we disconnected quickly. But not before she said, "Haven't I been good to you? - What are you doing? I love you, why are you doing this?" First of all, I would not talk to her right now. It's not about punishing her or doing anything "to" her. It's about protecting yourself - you are in a vulnerable area, you are trying to do something that you believe to be right, and she is definitely NOT the voice of reason here. Was I trying to punish her? This has been so painful for so long, so maybe she was right? I don't know for sure, but I don't think so. Trying to heal yourself is not punishing her. Removing yourself from the situation, which will be necessary for you to heal, is not punishing her. Let this be about YOU, don't let her turn it into being about HER. And there is no "new girl" so the idea of someone else was ridiculous. At least until the night, when my mind would race in and out of sleep. Maybe she was right? Not that there was already someone else, that is no specific person, but the imaginary girls, yet to get to know, after I free myself from this affair, when I could be just a normal man. A thought I frequently entertained to help me see some future after this. That thought weighed heavy, causing guilt and deprived me of sleep. How could I be thinking of chasing others at a time like this? You were in a pathological relationship, and you are imagining a future in a healthy relationship. You should not feel guilt at that. You should let that fuel your actions. You have a vision of the kind of healthy person you would like to be. Keep that vision and move toward it. She saw through me, I thought. Not exactly on target, not that there was a specific girl, but close enough to the truth. Anyway I felt guilty. She knows me well enough to sense that I'm not sincere in just wanting to "do the right thing". Either I was pissed and wanted to punish her, or wanted to be free to date and have fun. Or you want to heal and move toward a healthy future. She didn't see right through you, she's just throwing spaghetti at the wall to see if it sticks, and happened to hit a nerve. So now - At this point I'm powerless - again. You are weak, but never powerless. I need professional help and that's my next step. Maybe a good idea. Go with an open mind and heart. It might be a good mirror for you; have the courage to look into it.
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