This was just downright weird

[Walk]

Got into a fight with the bf yesterday. Just want to vent.. it's way too screwed up to have any other response then, "get the hell out". Feel free to comment or add your thoughts. I'm wondering how others would react, or feel, or think...

 

(background: dating 3+ years. Living together for 2+ yrs.)

 

Went to visit his brother with him. Bf was being pretty hard on the brother about where the brothers life was going and stuff. The brother gets up and goes to the bathroom and I asked my bf why the brother didn't get pissed about the way he talks to him and "dot him in the eye" for it.

 

Brother comes back, bf blurts out what I'd just asked bf because bf thought it was "funny". They start explaining that it's just the way they are. That it's a guy thing. etc. etc. I said I didin't understand, and asked a couple questions, and they both got kind of defensive about it. I wanted to drop it, so I excused myself to the bathroom. Come back and my bf's got my stuff together and tells me we're leaving. Except, what he really meant was "I" was being taken home, and he was going back. Car ride home and I ask why I'm being taken home. Bf says because his brother asked "why is walk here?" and how the brother only wanted to spend time with my bf. I told my bf that I was fine with that, but I would've really appreciated it if he could've just asked me to go home. I would've been happy to leave if the bf had said that the two of them wanted guy time.

 

Get home, bf's being odd. Then starts telling me that I disrespected him by not showing a united front in front of his brother. That I should have shown I supported my bf's view, not questioned him in front of his brother. He was really upset about it. I tried explaining I hadn't meant it that way, but that I had honestly wondered why the brother laughed off the harsh words instead of getting mad. That I'd waited til the brother was out of earshot to ask. That bf was the one to bring it up to the brother, that I had changed the subject as soon as the brother had re-entered the room. I apologized and explained that from now on I wouldn't say anything that might contradict unless we were alone.

 

Bf comes home few hours later. I ask him if he's still angry at me. He says no, but he's about as far away as possible and still talk to me. Has that "don't touch" non-verbal language going on. He tells me he just doesn't understand.. I try to explain. He says he still doesn't understand. I explain again. He's getting more upset now. Asking me why I would want to be with him if he's an abrasive arsehole. I reminded him those were his words, not mine. That I know he can be a dic* and he's the fist to admit he can be a real a**.

 

The real issue... He felt that I wanted to see him hit and hurt or punished. I'd tried explaining 4 times by that point that I only used the example of someone hitting as one way that men show anger. I hadn't meant he should be hit, or that I ever wanted to see him hurt in anyway. Only a bad choice of words on my part about how a man might show he was upset with another man. I had apologized several times.

 

Then out of the blue, he explains that he believes when the women he dates tell him they want to see him hit, or beat up, that they will eventually stab him, or try to kill him. Seriously.. He really said this. He started crying while telling me this. (never seen him cry before) And Now he believes I'll follow the same pattern and attempt to kill him with a sharp instrument in the future, all because I asked why someone doesn't "dot his eye" when he's ragging on them so hard about their personal choices in life.

 

Oh, and after he emotionally bares his soul about this deep seated fear of having gf's piercing him with sharp objects... he can't possibly show tears in front of his gf (it's weakness), so he immediately says he doesn't want to discuss it, stumbles to the bedroom, shuts the door, and completely shuts me out.

 

So I left. (had a prior commitment that I was supposed to be at two hours earlier). Come home, he's still in the bedroom. I didn't know what to do... who the hell deals with crap like this?? I stay up til 3am, debating whether to sleep on the couch or not... finally go up to the bedroom and lay down on my side of the bed. He immediately gets up and leaves.

 

i figured, screw him. So I went to sleep. Got up, he's gone.. left a note saying he was with his friend for the day.

 

At my prior commitment, I talked to my brother briefly about this... his comment. "F**k him. Stay here and have fun". haha.. I love my family.

 

But still... what the heck. Half of me feels sad for him, I've never seen my bf cry before. He honestly has had past gf's try to kill him, and they almost succeed. I feel he does have a legitimate concern that someone might have bad intentions toward his health. However, I'm not them. And to live with someone for nearly 3 years, to realize that no matter how hard I try, he still believes I would intentionally physically hurt him. That just pisses me off. I think I'd be less pissed if he told me he believed I'd cheat on him. At least then it would reflect my past, and who I used to be. But this... not only am I cast as "evil", but the person who I've worked long and hard to build trust with, finally admits he's never trusted me... and that hurts.

 

Anyway.. when I see him again, I'm going to explain that I can't stay with someone who believes I'm going to attempt to murder them. I don't see any point in trying to force myself on someone who doesn't want me around. And I would assume, if you feel someone is going to attempt to kill you in the future, that you wouldn't want them around... I know I wouldn't.

[bab]

This man is not mentally stable. You can't love someone well, believe me I tried with someone for 3 years. All that happens is you are pulled down into mental terror. It's been time for you to cut the strings for quite some time. Cut them and go stay with your brother.

[Touche]

Hoo Boy! Not much I can say to you that hasn't already all been said before by others as well as myself.

 

Don't know if you remember but I wasted NINE YEARS with a man similar to yours. By the way, he has some serious issues...I mean mental ones. He may be borderline or something. He's not right in the head, that's for sure.

 

It's one my biggest regrets in my life...that I didn't get out of that relationship sooner. Do you want to be in your 40's one day and regret all the wasted earlier years? Because that's EXACTLY where you are headed.

 

It takes a lot of guts and strength to leave but you can do it. You need to do it for your own sanity.

 

I have nothing else really to add. This is sad. And he's sick. I'm not kidding. I remember all your other posts about him. The guy's not normal. He has very odd/innapropriate reactions to things. Very odd.

 

Don't you know that this will only get worse the more you put up with it? I mean I know the guy isn't ALL bad..neither was my ex. But the bad parts were SO bad that the good parts in NO way made up for it. And that's what I see here.

 

And would you say over time that the bad is more and more frequent? That's how it was for me with the ex. It doesn't get better.

 

Don't waste more years with this lunatic.

[Touche]

Funny Bab...just saw your post. We both said he has mental issues. There's NO doubt about it. His reactions, as described, are really not normal.

 

Reminds me so much of my ex. And guess what? About a year or so after I left the ex, I spoke to him on the phone briefly and he mentioned (when I asked how he was) that he was taking St. John's Wort and was doing better.

 

What's funny is that we NEVER talked about the possibilty that there was anything wrong with him mentally. But towards the end I knew there was. I believe his telling me that was his way of acknowledging there was something wrong with him. Maybe depression...bi-polar. Who really knows. My H said he had all the classic signs of bp. And looking back at the odd behavior I think he's right.

 

But when I was in it, I didn't know. I always thought he was ME provoking him in some way. It was always me. Only toward the end, did I realize that it wasn't all me. That his reactions were weird..over-reactions to the stupidest things..always blaming me, etc. etc.

 

I see the same thing here. You need to get strong, WAlk. Do it now.

[Craig]

But still... what the heck. Half of me feels sad for him, I've never seen my bf cry before. He honestly has had past gf's try to kill him, and they almost succeed. I feel he does have a legitimate concern that someone might have bad intentions toward his health. However, I'm not them. And to live with someone for nearly 3 years, to realize that no matter how hard I try, he still believes I would intentionally physically hurt him. That just pisses me off. I think I'd be less pissed if he told me he believed I'd cheat on him. At least then it would reflect my past, and who I used to be. But this... not only am I cast as "evil", but the person who I've worked long and hard to build trust with, finally admits he's never trusted me... and that hurts.

 

My impression is that your bf has some issues related to traumatic events from his past and will need some professional assistance to learn to deal with the feelings that arise from time to time to haunt him. I know he doesn't like the reaction he has to these trigger events and he is probably overwhelmed with feelings and emotions that do not make sense to him and are likely difficult for him to share. My guess is that he has these feelings and emotions and doesn't even have the words to describe what is going on...and so frustration and/or avoidance set in.

 

Leaving him because he has apparent "trust issues" that are in fact a reaction to a trigger event with origins in his "pre-Walk past" and not a reflection of current reality with you would in my mind be a mistake if you were in the relationship for the long haul before all this began.

 

If you were already on your way out or looking for a way out maybe you could be sensitive to your bf's history of life threatening traumatic experiences as you leave. I do recall reading some of your posts and thinking to myself, "why is she with him?" But obviously we don't know everything about your relationship...

 

Should you be in the relationship for the long haul, you need to get him to a trauma specialist counselor asap. It isn't like he hasn't admitted to you that he has a problem.

[Tangerina]

I've dated "this guy" twice. First time he was always controlling about what I said in front of other people and would pick fights with me almost anywhere and pick on little things I said and twisted them long after I wanted to drop it. Second time he was obsessed with whether I trusted him or not, especially in front of people, would freak out if I contradicted him in front of friends, got mad when I didn't trust his dog to play with my pet rats because it hurt the dog's feelings(?!), got mad if I implied he was incapable of performing some task (Like when I said "well, it is good to know that the auto shop is open in case this patch doesn't hold" he freaked out that I thought he couldn't patch a huge hole in a tire, when really I just meant what I said.) and had this weird thing about making me promise I would kill him if he needed me to. The second time I didn't wait to be dumped, I left. It sucked but it is the best decision I ever made and I'm so much more happy and powerful now. It sounds like your guy has major problems, and it sounds like you really care for him. My ex guy plans on becoming a drug dealer with his friend and that makes me feel like crap to think about, but it feel better to have it not be my problem, because ultimately it is his thing to deal with and he was just bringing me down and ruining me. After being with the first guy for 3 years and the second for 1.5 year (I learned how to leave the second time) I am now dating someone really gentle and kind and normal and for the first time I am the one occasionally hurting the relationship because of all the bad habits I learned from the past 4.5 years. I hate being that person. Things are going really well but I still act really timid sometimes even though this guy would never criticize what I say or get mad if I contradict him. The 1st time we had bad feelings between each other was when he got a little bit grumpy or moody and quiet (ie bad or stressful day) so my instinct to ignore him kicked in and he ended up feeling totally abandoned and unloved because really he was just having a bad day and wasn't as open or talkative as usual and suddenly his GF wouldn't talk to him or touch him because her exes would accuse her of being clingy or overbearing if she tried to be nurturing when she could tell they were grumpy... when really this guy he just wanted a little closeness and affection. The second time I hurt his feelings because I left him alone at a party for an hour. Both my exes got mad if I tried to spend time with them at parties and they'd say "I didn't come here to spend time with you, we do that all the time." and the second guy would want me out of the way so he could hit on girls. This guy isn't like that. He told me to go dance with my friends when I was hanging back to keep him company (he doesn't like to dance) but then I totally ditched him until he came to tell me he was going home, because deep down I was afraid he would call me clingy and not independent if I kept going back and forth to keep him company.

 

I guess I just shared all that (for what it is worth) to show that once you get over the hard part you will be so much better off without him. Craig makes a good point about partnerships and working on things together and trust, but from reading your posts in the past, etc. it just sounds as if you are getting repeatedly hurt and there is a point where you just have to think of yourself and let a partner who has major problems work on them himself. It is sad, but it is not your responsibility to ruin your life over his problems. I want to cry every time I hurt my BF in a little way by doing something messed up or being distant or acting like a kicked dog because that's how I had to be with my crazy exes. He is really understanding, but not above being hurt when I get emotionally unavailable to him or ignore him and it just kills me when I do those things, my exes did them to me and I did them back to protect myself. It takes a long time to re imprint yourself with healthy behaviors. You sound like a strong person, I know it is really hard to leave, especially when you have pity for someone you care about having so many emotional problems, but do you want to feel this way for the rest of your life? Is it worth it for the good times?

[Totoro]

. He felt that I wanted to see him hit and hurt or punished.

 

Then out of the blue, he explains that he believes when the women he dates tell him they want to see him hit, or beat up, that they will eventually stab him, or try to kill him. Seriously.. He really said this. He started crying while telling me this. (never seen him cry before) And Now he believes I'll follow the same pattern and attempt to kill him with a sharp instrument in the future, all because I asked why someone doesn't "dot his eye" when he's ragging on them so hard about their personal choices in life.

 

Walk, I wonder if your BF has OCD, among other things. (Depression? Paranoia? ) I myself have struggled with OCD myself, so I know a LOT about it and some of his symptoms sound like OCD.

 

Check out healthboards.com. They have (LS-style) forums for people with anxiety, OCD and depression. See what others are writing and you might find similar stuff...

 

I agree with the others that he needs to see a therapist and/or get meds.

[Walk]

Thank you for sharing Tangerina. Some of the characteristics remind me of my bf. But I keep wondering how much of the problem is him, or how much is me....

 

Like yesterday, he said that I really need to go talk to someone about how defensive I get. He says it causes problems in my life, not just with him, but with everyone. And that I don't know social protocol. That this is the reason I don't have any friends. That I take things way too personally. That when he talks I twist his words in my head, and make it into something horrible. That he isn't saying anything bad about who I am as a person, but about an action or something I said. And he was trying to say he didn't understand... that I was the one that drags out the arguments, and causes them to last for 2-3 days.

 

At one point in the "argument", he takes a deep breath, seems to attempt to calm himself so he doesn't speak so angrily... and he says... "Let me ask you a question... do you think you're gods gift to the earth...." He was going to add more to the question, but I cut him off and told him I didn't feel I was 'gods gift to the earth', but he sure thought he was.

 

I have to go to work.... I feel liek I can't even talk to anyone about this... I don't trust that I'm telling it as it was, or if I'm hearing things different from how he really said it, and so anything and everythign I've ever told you on here is completely wrong. This is all just my interpretation, and maybe I've interpreted it completely wrong? Maybe I'm the ****ed up one? How do I know if I'm the one screwed up?

[DanielMadr]

Tough shyt, Walk:(

 

First. When men are not very confident, have some insecurities etc. they either cry or try to compensate by being controlling macho. Or occasionally switching by these too. Meaning they havent their shyt together.

By your innocent remark you humiliated him or disrespected him. If he would be consistent (OK) he would laugh it off like he did first...but he had second thoughts and tried to improve his image. Insecure people care very much about their image. He has shattered confidence.

Only think you can do for him is to make him feel good about himself. Let him be your macho. I dont recommend this though. He will not appreciate it. He think of himself in black numbers and anybody thinking anything better wont get his respect. And anybody thinking him in black numbers will only make feel worse.

 

For your sake and his too, easily back off the relationship. There is not enough love worth of saving. There is not very much men with ther shyt together so to speak but I think you can find better one. Tell him that yu feel his nad your feelings fade away, you want to built career (or any other BS) and move out to your mother. You deserve better Walk!

[whichwayisup]

I think this is just another sign, letting you know that you two maybe aren't meant to be together.

 

He is either lying to you and put on the big cry show to manipulate you and make you feel bad (and concerned for him) or he really DOES have issues that are haunting him now. Something isn't right though.....

 

This also has nothing to do with love anymore, you can love him all you want, and he can love you back - It's the actions involved that do not show love, respect and care. He finds reasons to blow up at you, making you feel bad about yourself. He doesn't take any responsibility for anything, he blames you.

 

If you plan on staying with him, you gotta go back to basics...Go out on dates, try to recapture some of what brought you two together in the first place. The dynamtic between you two now is bad and you two seem to bring out the worst in eachother, which is killing the relationship.

[oppath]

It very may well be Walk, that you have some issues of your own, that you get defensive, and you put people off. Remember though...just because someone says something negative about you...DOES NOT MAKE IT TRUE.

 

I was willing to excuse his earlier behavior but it seems he has some problems right now that prevent him from effectively communicating. I can see some of myself in him, as I've struggled with depression and low self esteem, and agree with DanielMadr to an extent, in that people whose confidence is low, want validation. Where I differ, however, is when I'm seeking validation, usually I try too hard to apologize. I said some mean things and assigned blame to my ex just after the breakup, some of it was irrational, but if we had an argument while we were together, I tried to apologize to disarm her and make it about MY FEELINGS and HER ACTIONS rather than her. An example is "I want to feel like I'm a priority and while I support all the classes you want to take, what can we do to make sure we still get to spend quality time together so my needs are met?" Compare this with "You're taking me for granted and aren't making me a priority. Could you be a little less selfish?" I'm not sure how she interpreted my attempts at communication (and after the breakup the selfish statement was thrown at her like crazy...but that's because she dumped me and then asked to be **** buddies) and now that I'm single, I want to work on my esteem and continue to improve intimate communication skills, because I'm willing to be I can do better. I know I'm not too effective when I'm pissed/anxious. I guess the goal is to learn to speak up before I get in that mood.

 

My point is...he's not fighting fair here. He might have some valid points about your behaviors...but if you get defensive, it might be because he is controlling/abusive/insulting too. It's hard not to be defensive in those situations. I had an abusive, controlling ex. She'd lay into me with comments like "you're 25, you should know better and be a better boyfriend" to things that to me, seemed small. She maybe had a right to be upset with me, but I would certainly get defensive in that situation. Your boyfriend struggles to communicate with you, and does not fight fair.

[Tangerina]

Walk, we all have problems... when I was in crappy relationships the problems that my exes caused me were so much bigger than my own problems that I didn't really even examine what I was doing wrong and just blamed them for making me unhappy. That didn't really help me any and since then I've worked a lot on myself and sorted out what is my own mess and what is crap that other people have dumped on me. Unfortunately, the two overlap in places since I took other people's crap too long and started to believe it. In other cases I now see where my own insecurities/clinginess/lack of assertiveness made me feel bad about myself and opened me up for other people to make me feel bad. The thing is, the question isn't really whether you have problems (I don't know anyone who doesn't,) but whether you are happy and fulfilled in this relationship. Especially if you do have problems you aren't going to get them sorted out any time soon if you are putting all of your energy into your relationship problems. Also, I don't really know your situation so please forgive me if it sounds like I'm demonizing your guy in some way, I'm just trying to relate something I've experienced... but in my experience when someone tries to play therapist in a negative way like that: "Do you think you're God's gift to earth?" then a lot of the time they are trying to twist the situation so that they feel powerful and put you in the position of having the insecurities. It is definitely a fine line, because you did a similar thing asking him about how he was addressing his brother, but I think it is fundamentally different to ask more indirectly about an observation you made about their relationship than for him to put himself in the position of moral authority by playing the therapist. I had one ex who was a pretty messed up person but he always liked to psychoanalyze me when I was having a problem and authoritatively tell me how to deal with it or think about it differently, because it made him feel in control and less messed up. My other ex often twisted my negative emotions that were caused by him to try to make me feel that they were my own problem. When I would get jealous because he hit on other girls in front of me he would try to make it about me being insecure, clingy, or controlling. When he stood me up on my birthday in front of all of my friends and I spoke harshly to him he made me feel that I was angry and abusive towards him and almost had me convinced that I was the one who had done something wrong. I have no idea if your situation is at all similar to this, but I just want you to be really wary about fully accepting his analysis of you, especially if you two are having problems right now it is just human nature that he would want to make you feel that the problems are all yours. And yeah, you probably are doubting yourself because he is touching on things that you see in yourself, but don't make this about each other's specific shortcomings, this is about whether you feel emotionally safe in this relationship and whether you can grow as a person within it's context.