Are you better looking than MM's wife?

[Tomcat33]

TC, it's getting late here so I don't have time to read everything you have been posting today. I did read your post that the xMM called you. I want to say what you did was great! He is a pr!ck!!! He is trying to place a lot of blame on you where it should not be placed. How dare he call you and tell you all that crap! He is trying to blame the whole A on you and not taking any responsibility for how he treated his W. Was he controlling in your R b/c he sounds controlling to me. I wouldn't take this @sshole back even if he did D his W.

 

 

Thanks Mopar I do feel good about how I handle it too.

 

He was very contolling, jealous and somewhat chauvanistic....at first I saw some of his reactions as "cute" because I mentioned before he did feel I was "out of his league" (his words not mine) and I would take it upon myself to reassure him that I love him and he had no reason to feel jealous about other men etc. But as time passed his "little reactions" were getting to be really annoying and we even faught about a few situations because he was insinuating other men wanted me too much. That really p'ed me off but again I would brush it off as par for the course given how we met and thought maybe that's how it is hen your rel is as ours was...I dunnow it was a first for me. He was threatened by anything from the waiter that was too friendly towards, to insecurities about my boss because he and I get along very well.

 

Believe me I want nothing more to do with him. I am trying very hard to get over any residual feelings I have from what I thought we had VS what we actually had. But I have no desire to have him in any way or form. It's done for me.

[mopar crazy]

Thanks Mopar I do feel good about how I handle it too.

 

He was very contolling, jealous and somewhat chauvanistic....at first I saw some of his reactions as "cute" because I mentioned before he did feel I was "out of his league" (his words not mine) and I would take it upon myself to reassure him that I love him and he had no reason to feel jealous about other men etc. But as time passed his "little reactions" were getting to be really annoying and we even faught about a few situations because he was insinuating other men wanted me too much. That really p'ed me off but again I would brush it off as par for the course given how we met and thought maybe that's how it is hen your rel is as ours was...I dunnow it was a first for me. He was threatened by anything from the waiter that was too friendly towards, to insecurities about my boss because he and I get along very well.

Believe me I want nothing more to do with him. I am trying very hard to get over any residual feelings I have from what I thought we had VS what we actually had. But I have no desire to have him in any way or form. It's done for me.

 

Hmmmm, are you sure it wasn't MY H you were having an A w/? The part you just posted about sounds like my H, well the old one but there are times the old, jealous, green monster comes out. My H was like this when we first started dating. My self-esteem was so low that I just took it that he actually really loved me, blah, blah, blah. He might have said he loved me but that is not real love. It's cute at first, I agree, but it got old real fast. I honestly think deep down they have self-esteem issues of their own.

 

My H just broke it off w/ his ex-fiancee about a year b4 we met. They lived together and she cheated on him. I think he was this jealous jerk b/c of what she did. Not saying it was right, it wasn't, but I think that is why he was the way he was. I had to constantly tell him I am not her and to stop treating me like I was. And NEVER tell a man how many sexual partners who had. I wasn't an angel b4 I met him but I wasn't the town slut either. I think it bothered him that I had more partners than he did.

 

Ya know, at first it was flattering that he was worried some guy was hitting on me, or I would leave him for someone else but after we got M, it just got old.

 

H knows that I would have NO problems getting a man and he still says it to this day. That is why he better not f@ck up again!

[Tomcat33]

Hmmmm, are you sure it wasn't MY H you were having an A w/? The part you just posted about sounds like my H, well the old one but there are times the old, jealous, green monster comes out. My H was like this when we first started dating. My self-esteem was so low that I just took it that he actually really loved me, blah, blah, blah. He might have said he loved me but that is not real love. It's cute at first, I agree, but it got old real fast. I honestly think deep down they have self-esteem issues of their own.

 

My H just broke it off w/ his ex-fiancee about a year b4 we met. They lived together and she cheated on him. I think he was this jealous jerk b/c of what she did. Not saying it was right, it wasn't, but I think that is why he was the way he was. I had to constantly tell him I am not her and to stop treating me like I was. And NEVER tell a man how many sexual partners who had. I wasn't an angel b4 I met him but I wasn't the town slut either. I think it bothered him that I had more partners than he did.

 

Ya know, at first it was flattering that he was worried some guy was hitting on me, or I would leave him for someone else but after we got M, it just got old.

 

H knows that I would have NO problems getting a man and he still says it to this day. That is why he better not f@ck up again!

 

I can see why your guy was like that given the trust issues his ex left him.

Of course no excuse but I can see the connection.

 

Well our guys do seem somehwat alike... only muy guy didn't drink at all, he was never betrayed (that I know of) he is super docile and even when he would get jealous or possesive it was never in an angry/agressive manner which is also why I think I let him get away with it at first. It was more in a child-like way. It was "cute" at first beacause I took into account that he was feeling a litte out of his element given the type of women he was used to going out vs how I am. In the way I carry myself to the way I speak to my overall presence it is very different from what his W is like I took this into account plus the fact that we met under the circumstances that we did and so would brush it off. I later found out he was plagued with insecurities that had nothing to do with me or what I was doing (actually NOT doing)

Around the early days of when we started dating he made some comment about my boss and it really ticked me off, he tried to tell me that is was because he was very jealous of other men and the rel I might have with them and the fact that I might take interest in other men. He said it was natural given how strongly he felt for me and how attractive I was to ALL men (LOL that was such a crazy and completely stupid thing to say I even laughed when he said it). It really upset me and I told him I DID NOT SEE THAT AT ALL. To me that comment was not due to love, it was sheer insecurity pawned off as feelings of love. That was our first fight and prob the worst in that I was very offended by his comment by the little faith he had in me.

 

He eased up on the jealousy thing after that and I would see him get jealous over other guys but he would not act on it. But he was possesive in other areas though like in our work together ...which I can't get into here publicly but it got really bad at times and we fought over that as well on a few instances. Bottom line it made me feel so bad like I was doing something out of line when all I was doing was just being me, the same me that no other man in my past felt threatened by. Well except for another ex who claimed that men would check me out a lot when we went down the street and that women would check me out even more than him. LOL that always made me laugh it was true about the women, but it's because I have a great sense of style and carry it well and other women notice that in other women.. LOL

[PoshPrincess]

I know what you are saying about "how hard did he really try to break it off and how hard did she really have to work to keep him?" I think that varies too. In my case, the OW was VERY determined. She is a very strong willed, controlling person (his words and what I know of her) and she is not the kind to allow anyone to call it quits but her. He broke it off repeatedly, but always went back. She admits that her actions to get him back were very intentional. But that is very personal to my situation and there is a lot more to the story.

 

The part that is more general I think is why the MM keep going back and for that matter, why the OW try to keep them from leaving. It feels like love, and sometimes it may be, but often it is a form of addition.

 

I know that sounds like a piss poor excuse, but it is for real. I've done a lot of research and in the early stages of a relationship, not just As, the brain can release chemicals that cause us to obssess on the other person and feel we can't be apart from them. It also breaks down inhibitions and can cause people to take risks that were they rational, they would never take. Over the stages of the relationship different chemicals are released - too long to go into.

 

My H, prior to my learning all this, said he felt like he was addicted - like it was a sort of temporary insanity. He did things that were so out of character for him it was like he had become a different person. Everything he described in detail was exactly like the studies I read about later on. Same for many OW I think. Is it love? Partly. But when people continue in behavior that is really making them miserable I think there is a good chance there is something else at work there too.

 

You suffer withdrawal afterwards, just like from addiction. Different chemical - also causes obssessive thoughts, anger, etc.

 

My H does not blame the OW to let himself off the hook. He believes they both suffered from the same type of addiction. The difference was she did want to leave her H, though she denied it at the time, and he told her he did not want to leave me, though she tried to convince him that he really did. He says they are both people who made a mistake and got in over their head. Hard for me to hear because I would rather be angry at the person that I don't have to live with than the person I do live with. Know what I mean?

 

BS believe their H was completely irrational because they see how different his behavior was from the norm. They believe that the OW was calculating and manipulative because women can often be that and because they see the OWs efforts to take their spouse away as an intentional act. I think the truth is that there is a lot of powerful emotion on both sides and a lot of thought and action that defies logic. Ain't love grand?

 

I heard a little of the withdrawal dynamic in your last post. It was sad. You were getting better when you stayed away from him and when you spoke with him it started to bring back some of the feelings. I know you know the only safe place for you is in total NC with him. Even for being in an A, he crossed the line. He lied to you and because of that you let yourself fall in love with him and then had to endure the pain of the breakup. It will take more time for you to get past this, but there has to be a good guy out there for you that isn't so messed up and is willing to do what is the right thing for you. Does he love you? The question is, does he love you enough to leave you alone and let you be happy?

 

Sorry if I am starting to sound preachy and very sorry for how long this darn post turned out to be.

 

SmartGirl, I am going to ask you a question and am not doing this to get at you - more playing devil's advocate. Do you know all this about the OW from HER or is it just what your husband told you? I am only asking because I know my exMM told his W what she wanted to hear (well, ok, what she wanted to hear was that we never had a R at all but, you know!) He said that nothing had gone on between us other than friendship. Ok, so we weren't sleeping together but were still intimate. I know he told her I meant nothing to him and that, of course, may or may not be true. It may have been ME he was lying to there LOL! I don't know if he said that I pursued him or anything but I DO know that I was the one who kept trying to break it off and he would bombard me with texts and phone calls which I ignored and even turned up at my son's nursery one morning knowing that he would find me there.

 

I am not bashing your H for ANYTHING. I agree to a certain extent that if an A was a one-off then it probably is better to play it down for the sake of recovering the M. If someone's H is continuing to lie and cheat then that's a different story altogether. I don't think women who take their WS back are deluding themselves. Sometimes the WS is genuinely remorseful and if the BS thinks she can forgive then that's fine. There's nothing wrong with giving someone a second chance as long as they can regain your trust. I don't understand ANYONE who takes back a WS when they cheat a second time or are proving to have been continually cheating.

 

SmartGirl, I hope I haven't offended you and apologise if I have. I just wanted to give my POV.

[silktricks]

I don't think women who take their WS back are deluding themselves. Sometimes the WS is genuinely remorseful and if the BS thinks she can forgive then that's fine. There's nothing wrong with giving someone a second chance as long as they can regain your trust. I don't understand ANYONE who takes back a WS when they cheat a second time or are proving to have been continually cheating.

 

This is really nice to see after some of the other posts that have been made on this thread. Thanks, Posh.

[smartgirl]

 

SmartGirl, I am going to ask you a question and am not doing this to get at you - more playing devil's advocate. Do you know all this about the OW from HER or is it just what your husband told you? I am only asking because I know my exMM told his W what she wanted to hear (well, ok, what she wanted to hear was that we never had a R at all but, you know!) He said that nothing had gone on between us other than friendship. Ok, so we weren't sleeping together but were still intimate. I know he told her I meant nothing to him and that, of course, may or may not be true. It may have been ME he was lying to there LOL! I don't know if he said that I pursued him or anything but I DO know that I was the one who kept trying to break it off and he would bombard me with texts and phone calls which I ignored and even turned up at my son's nursery one morning knowing that he would find me there.

 

I am not bashing your H for ANYTHING. I agree to a certain extent that if an A was a one-off then it probably is better to play it down for the sake of recovering the M. If someone's H is continuing to lie and cheat then that's a different story altogether. I don't think women who take their WS back are deluding themselves. Sometimes the WS is genuinely remorseful and if the BS thinks she can forgive then that's fine. There's nothing wrong with giving someone a second chance as long as they can regain your trust. I don't understand ANYONE who takes back a WS when they cheat a second time or are proving to have been continually cheating.

 

SmartGirl, I hope I haven't offended you and apologise if I have. I just wanted to give my POV.

 

PP - I don't think you said anything offensive because you are talking generally, not about my situation. And the things you describe do happen.

 

I know about this woman independently and from her actions in the year since d-day. She has never been able to keep a job longer than a couple of years because she gets into power struggles with other women in the office and she even stopped speaking to her sister for two years because she "offended her." She has been in power struggles with women in their office and stopped speaking to them. This woman has a lot of rules and people who don't follow them get punished. Her behavior over the past year has further demonstrated her need to win in any relationship -- too much to go into and it gets me upset to talk about it.

 

My H's information though is painfully reliable. He has told me everything I have asked about and blames no one but himself for my pain. He acknowledges that she pursued him with a vengence, but also acknowledges that he could have said no. This may be TMI, but because we've been together since we were 16 neither of us had ever had sex with anyone else. That lack of experience has always been kind of an issue for him and I knew that. He was about to turn 50 and this woman came along and you can figure out the rest.

 

I am taking him back because he assumed full responsiblity for his actions, came clean and told me everything in detail. He has shown total remorse and does not excuse a single action that he took. He has worked really hard to regain my trust, worked hard in MC and we both have a good understanding of why this happened at this point in time. I also assume my share of the blame for things I was doing that left our relationship vulnerable to attack.

 

I meant the for better or worse part of my vows. I at least owe my marriage the chance for recovery because it was a great relationship and marriage for the 31 years before this woman came into the picture. Because he is willing to repent and put the work in, I am willing to work on forgiving him. Getting over the pain is the single hardest thing I have ever had to do, but that would be true even if he was no longer in the picture.

 

All that being said, I agree that there are many MM who do not deserve a second chance and I don't understand why someone would tolerate a serial cheater. Sadly, there are many women -- both BS and OW -- who value themselves only if they have a man in their lives. No matter how badly that man treats them or how unhappy they are with the relationship.

[PoshPrincess]

SmartGirl, I am pleased for you that your H feels repentent and remorseful. As you know, this shows that he is genuinely sorry for what he has done. He has betrayed you though but I am sure from what you say that he wouldn't be so stupid as to risk your M again.

 

As for his exOW - she sounds like a total control freak! As we know, there are a minority of OW who go out with a MM because they get a kick of having something that belongs to someone else not because they have geuinely fallen in love with them. By the sounds of her she could well have been one of that minority.

[smartgirl]

PP - I think control freak might be an understatement in describing this woman. She is the kind of woman, we have all met at least one, who competes with every woman she comes into contact with -- for jobs, for attention or for a man. Her current H was married when she met him.

 

Sadly, women like this are usually pretty successful with men.

[Tomcat33]

PP - I think control freak might be an understatement in describing this woman. She is the kind of woman, we have all met at least one, who competes with every woman she comes into contact with -- for jobs, for attention or for a man. Her current H was married when she met him.

 

Sadly, women like this are usually pretty successful with men.

 

 

SmartG I just read your posts

 

 

YUK!! she she sounds like a horrible human being, how sad...

 

Yes but women like that are successful with men until the men get a true taste of what they are like, because along with everything you described comes a whole lot of neurosis. I don't know any man who is not as nutty as her, who would stand for that in the long haul. Might be "different" and exciting at first but the reality it it gets tired fast. Men don't want all tha craziness all the time. And life with someone like that woman would be filled with drama.

 

Your situation has many factors that should be taken into account. I must say in the way in which you choose to describe your story, it shows hat you have done a tremendous amount of work and seem to be really at peace with the situation. How admirable!!! Good for you.

[Babybird]

BS!

I fell in love with a SG. If he'd been M I'd have told him to F off.

I have more respect for myself than to even think about a MM like that.

At the end of the day I still go by the old commandment of "do not commit adultery" Call me, I don't know, moral?

 

You might follow the commandment that says "Thall shall not covet thy neighbors wife" but aren't you condoning adultery by accepting and forgiving your H for cheating on you?

 

Morality is all a question of what you believe in. If I'm an atheist then I won't judge morality on whether or not someone follows the ten commandments from the bible.

 

Each individual has a sense of whats right and wrong and a lot of people have come to accept Christian beliefs but that isn't what everyone believes. To some adultery is a choice to have sex made by two consenting people and thats it. To some it isn't even considered adultery. It just sex. Thats their choice and that is why we have what is called Free-will. Not everyone will agree with it.

 

Playing the morality card is an argument that will never be won.

[shellys-trying]

You might follow the commandment that says "Thall shall not covet thy neighbors wife" but aren't you condoning adultery by accepting and forgiving your H for cheating on you?

 

Morality is all a question of what you believe in. If I'm an atheist then I won't judge morality on whether or not someone follows the ten commandments from the bible.

 

Each individual has a sense of whats right and wrong and a lot of people have come to accept Christian beliefs but that isn't what everyone believes. To some adultery is a choice to have sex made by two consenting people and thats it. To some it isn't even considered adultery. It just sex. Thats their choice and that is why we have what is called Free-will. Not everyone will agree with it.

 

Playing the morality card is an argument that will never be won.

 

I don't care what anyone else believes. I believe in the adultery commandment and I also believe in forgiveness, hence what I'm doing.

 

If you want to try and twist my comments and beliefs, be my guest. No skin off my back.

[smartgirl]

SmartG I just read your posts

 

 

YUK!! she she sounds like a horrible human being, how sad...

 

Yes but women like that are successful with men until the men get a true taste of what they are like, because along with everything you described comes a whole lot of neurosis. I don't know any man who is not as nutty as her, who would stand for that in the long haul. Might be "different" and exciting at first but the reality it it gets tired fast. Men don't want all tha craziness all the time. And life with someone like that woman would be filled with drama.

 

Your situation has many factors that should be taken into account. I must say in the way in which you choose to describe your story, it shows hat you have done a tremendous amount of work and seem to be really at peace with the situation. How admirable!!! Good for you.

 

It happened pretty much like you describe. At first he thought she was all that - the kind of woman that is so hot she just has very high standards. Over time, he realized she was more interested in someone that would do what she wanted them to do, worship her and treat her like a princess. Her real nature came out and the drama became constant.

 

We have both put a lot of work into this. I understand what happened and it could have happened to me too - I know that. I wish I was more at peace - it is hard sometimes to filter out the intrusive images that keep pushing into my thoughts. I'm know that comes with more time.

 

I imagine from your posts you know what I mean about trying to filter out the thoughts.

[mopar crazy]

I don't need to read through all this thread that I have missed, I just need to read what Shelly said and I agree.

 

As for putting God into the thread, let me just say that God frowns on D, but He does not frown on D if there is infidelity. Shelly, do you know the Bible verse I'm talking about? If not I will ask my mom, she told me to read it when H was having his A. Anyhow, I also know that God wants us to forgive.

 

I believe if God didn't want us to R I don't think He would of allowed H to come back to me to work on the M. God knows that our M was rough. He heard all my prayers about the problems we were having. He heard my prayers (and I prayed A LOT) when H said he wanted to work on the M. I asked God for guidance in making the right choice, to let the M end, or R.

[smartgirl]

TC - I know there is probably some better way to send a personal message, but I'm not sure what it it.

 

This thought only sort of belongs on this thread - which has meandered pretty far anyway. But I wanted to address this one thing you have brought up about your exMM W neglecting him and the marriage by working away from home for long periods.

 

I don't know what was going on there, but I feel like you and I have a repore and I wanted to throw out to you a potential other point of view on that.

 

When I was working long hours at a job that was devouring me, I was doing it for him. I have always been sensitive to his concerns about our savings and the pressure he feels for being mostly responsible for all of that. I moved into a job where I was making a lot of money - more than I ever dreamed. I expected him to be proud and and happy that I was now able to really contribute and that it would make him feel less burdened.

 

The job was killing me. But I felt like I was sacrificing myself for this greater good of our future. I hoped for some recognition on his part and I wasn't getting it. That made me even sadder. I began to feel depressed, stressed, overtaxed, worn out. Not good for a relationship. But I just kept slogging away, waiting for that attagirl.

 

It took a toll on our relationship that neither of us really recognized at the time. We both became absorbed in our respective worries and developed an underlying feeling of dissatisfaction. Not with each other exactly, but with the way things were. We have since talked about it a lot and and that clarity is helping us to understand each other better than we ever did before. I now consult part time and we have regular dates and time alone. I wish it hadn't taken an A to jolt us out of our haze.

 

So all I'm saying is that while a MM may feel neglected, his W may believe she is doing something good for the both of them. But in a contest between financial security and emotional need, emotional need will usually win out.

 

Like I said, I don't really know the facts and this may not be the case with your MM at all. But I wanted to share something that might be relevant.

 

SG

[shellys-trying]

I don't need to read through all this thread that I have missed, I just need to read what Shelly said and I agree.

 

As for putting God into the thread, let me just say that God frowns on D, but He does not frown on D if there is infidelity. Shelly, do you know the Bible verse I'm talking about? If not I will ask my mom, she told me to read it when H was having his A. Anyhow, I also know that God wants us to forgive.

 

I believe if God didn't want us to R I don't think He would of allowed H to come back to me to work on the M. God knows that our M was rough. He heard all my prayers about the problems we were having. He heard my prayers (and I prayed A LOT) when H said he wanted to work on the M. I asked God for guidance in making the right choice, to let the M end, or R.

 

I know it. It's where it says no one can D except for fornication (which is cheating in essence). But we have the right to make that choice or to stay and work on the M.

HE knows how everything is going to turn out anyway, so if HE sees us choosing to work on our workable M's, then I think He's pleased with that.

 

He's a cool God, and a forgiving one. If HE can forgive H, why can't I?

 

This post is for those who choose to believe in God, so anyone else who doesn't like reading/hearing about my belief, you're welcome to pass it on up to the next post. No harm, no foul.

[Babybird]

I don't care what anyone else believes. I believe in the adultery commandment and I also believe in forgiveness, hence what I'm doing.

 

If you want to try and twist my comments and beliefs, be my guest. No skin off my back.

 

I'm not twisting you comments or your beliefs. Then again I guess that's the way that you would see it now wouldn't you.

 

Very Christian to judge, and look down on people.

 

As far as moving on to the next post because you were expressing your beliefs...I was expressing mine and the fact that not everyone believes what you do. Is there something wrong with that? OR aren't these threads supposed to be for everyones opinions?

[Melissa277]

This whole thread is so freakin' stupid. What the hell difference does it make who's better looking. You are just trying to find something, anything, that gives you the upper hand ... otherwise, why would you even ask the question? The fact remains that if you're sleeping with someone who is MARRIED, they are not yours ... it doesn't matter if you look like Jessica Alba or Roseanne Barr. And, if the MM/MW married someone who looks like Roseanne Barr/or the ugly country western singer Julia Roberts married, for the life of me, I can't think of his name or Jennifer Aniston/Brad Pitt, that is the choice they made! I get such a kick out of the OW talking about how the W's "let themselves go." Whatever. Unless your MM is in his 20's and works out nonstop, I defy you to show me one that looks exactly like he did when he got married. The only difference is, at least the majority of the W's have childbirth to blame it on. I mean, really people. C'mon.

[shellys-trying]

I'm not twisting you comments or your beliefs. Then again I guess that's the way that you would see it now wouldn't you.

 

Very Christian to judge, and look down on people.

 

As far as moving on to the next post because you were expressing your beliefs...I was expressing mine and the fact that not everyone believes what you do. Is there something wrong with that? OR aren't these threads supposed to be for everyones opinions?

 

 

I didn't say I was perfect.

If you don't like what I say, concerning my beliefs, I did say you could skip my comments.

But, to keep from having to defend my beliefs, since they don't seem to be yours from your athiest attitude, I'll refrain from commenting to you.

In fact, I'll be diplomatic and whenever I see your name with a post, I'll skip it altogether. 'K?

[shellys-trying]

This whole thread is so freakin' stupid. What the hell difference does it make who's better looking. You are just trying to find something, anything, that gives you the upper hand ... otherwise, why would you even ask the question? The fact remains that if you're sleeping with someone who is MARRIED, they are not yours ... it doesn't matter if you look like Jessica Alba or Roseanne Barr. And, if the MM/MW married someone who looks like Roseanne Barr/or the ugly country western singer Julia Roberts married, for the life of me, I can't think of his name or Jennifer Aniston/Brad Pitt, that is the choice they made! I get such a kick out of the OW talking about how the W's "let themselves go." Whatever. Unless your MM is in his 20's and works out nonstop, I defy you to show me one that looks exactly like he did when he got married. The only difference is, at least the majority of the W's have childbirth to blame it on. I mean, really people. C'mon.

 

Good point. I've gone to having to defend the creator of the Universe. LOL I think HE does a very good job taking care of Himself.

 

footnote:

for those who don't know who HE is, that would be God.

[shellys-trying]

I believe I'll make this my last comment on this particular subject, but before I go and unsubscribe to it, I want to make my final opinion known.

 

To be written in stone, so to speak.

 

In the case of who was better looking,between me and the xOW my H cheated with...

She was not better looking than me, and I can pretty much guarantee

she still isn't. If you want me to look at it in a vain sort of way.

 

It's been some yrs since I last saw her, but that would be about 4 yrs worth of tanning bed visits for her, several more bad relationships, I'm sure, so I'd say she ain't improved much. LOL

 

Ok. I'm done.

[doiask42much]

The girl who started it seemed pretty shallow and got quickly irritated with people's responses when they were not to her liking. Lyle Lovett is that ugly country singer Julia Roberts married. I've been an OW (by accident) and though the guy wasn't married, I did look better than her and he made no secret of that, telling me how I was physically superior to her. But it was the only comfort I had and really a booby prize. I didn't get much out of being with him and had to hear about what he got her for Xmas while I got nothing. He is still up for cheating on her even though they are now engaged, but he didn't like anything about me other than the physical, I don't think. And ultimately that wasn't enough for him, as he went back to her after a while of two timing us. (He initially broke up with her but never told me when they got back together.) Of course he lied to her about his relationship with me. One MM that I had a sort of thing with, I thought I looked better than her, but not by a lot or anything. And my ex who is now engaged, I look better than his fiancee. But at the end of the day, none of these guys chose me, did they? So it really doesn't add up to much in the end. There's always going to be someone prettier and younger than you.

[NoIDidn't]

There's always going to be someone prettier and younger than you.

 

That's really the sum of the whole thing, ain't it?

 

In the time since my H's EA, I have become painfully aware of a couple of things.

 

1. My H's earning power will make him more attractive to a younger woman that is just starting out and is looking for someone to take care of her (just like I was at that age, but married a guy that I loved for him and not for his earning potential).

 

2. One person's trash is another's treasure. My M wasn't that great at the time and I couldn't believe anyone else would want the H that I had come to know him to be. But she didn't know that. She only knew how accomplished and well-regarded he was at work.

 

3. Younger women ARE often prettier than us old bag wives that have popped out our H's children and put on a little weight. Seriously, I just learned that as I age, younger women actually are interested in what they see in my H and M. They really do think it would be an even swap - they would replace me in my own life (get my H, our kids, our house, our money [or lack thereof], our family, etc.)

 

That said, I saw pictures of his OW and you really couldn't say one of us was prettier or uglier than the other. She's an attractive woman, I'm an attractive woman. The difference comes down to class and demeanor. And while I wouldn't call her classless by a long shot, being older I am a little more refined than she.

[doiask42much]

NoIDidn't, it's funny because my ex's fiancee is younger than me by...3 years, I think? MM's wife was the same age as me, and the guy who went back to his gf-now-fiancee is four years older than me? So it's really been a pretty narrow age range for me. In all three cases, the women were just more...reserved, perhaps the class you are talking about, whereas I was "less classy" maybe, putting out a very sexual vibe that guys responded to? Not on purpose, really? I just don't know how to interact with people normally in a nonsexual way because I am insecure and feel like people don't like me as I am. One I had been infatuated with for 10 years and never dreamed he would act on his interest in me; another, I did not know he had a gf until I already liked him; and my ex, I actually broke up with him but never got over him. In my mind he chose a plainer girl because she was less drama. I think all these men found me to be a nightmare, and that's why my looks were not enough to seal the deal.

[doiask42much]

and the guy who went back to his gf-now-fiancee is four years older than me?

 

Oops. His fiancee is four years older than me. The guy himself is four years younger! Maybe five?

[doiask42much]

NoIDidn't, what ended up happening to your marriage?

 

Do you really think the OW wants the kids? I wouldn't have thought so.