StartingOver07 Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 I've posted a couple of times about a guy I've been seeing who gives mixed messages. In any case, I've finally come to the conclusion that while I like him a lot and think we could have something really good together, his interest in me isn't as intense as mine is (or was) in him. The thing is, I don't feel we are coupled enough to actually break up. And there's no real issue, per se. I'm sort of to the point where I'm occasionally sad about "what could have been," but most of the time I'm just worn out from trying to read him and figure out what's going on. I don't particularly want to cut him out of my life -- he's a nice guy and I like him -- but I need to stop sleeping with him because doing so keeps me tied to him. This is further complicated by the fact that his relationsip with his last gf (of 10 years) ended when she found religion and cut off all sex because she thought it was wrong. I know this was a big blow for him and I don't want to re-open those wounds but at the same time, I can't date someone new while I'm still having sex with him. And while I suppose I could just sit tight until I actually find someone new to date, that doesn't quite feel right either. So how do I broach this? He hasn't done anything wrong and I'm not angry. I just want to become unexclusive so that I can pursue other opportunities if they present themselves. I guess at some level I am hoping he'll be jolted into a change in behavior/emotions, but this isn't my motivation and it's not realistic anyway.
Tony T Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 Well, if the two of you aren't "coupled enough to actually break up" then don't worry about it. Tell him simply that you cannot sleep with him any longer because you don't feel it's fair or right considering you are going to be seeing other people. That will be a bomb dropped right in his lap...haha! I mean it, tell him just that. There's no greater motivation, no other factor on the planet deadlier than when a guy knows he's got competition. Not only will his feelings for you increase but he'll most likely plead with you for exclusivity. Don't for a minute despair if his reaction is different at first. Just be cool and apologetic. For some men, it takes a day or two to sink in. But, you have my unconditional guarantee, if you play this right...and cool...you'll have this guy eating out of the palm of your hand. If you're sleeping with him now, what sort of motivation do you think he might have for taking the relationship to the next level? Now tell me, what is there past sex? Children....nah, most likely he's not ready for that this week. Now, remember, be as cool about this as you've ever been in your life. And wait to watch him squirm. The first thing that will come to his mind is some other guy able to talk you into the sack and he's not going to have that. Sorry, yes, perhaps this is a game. But for my audience who doesn't like games....LIFE IS A GAME...NOTHING MORE!!! The people who lose at it are the people who refuse to play because they don't see it as a game.
Lizzie60 Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 I've posted a couple of times about a guy I've been seeing who gives mixed messages. In any case, I've finally come to the conclusion that while I like him a lot and think we could have something really good together, his interest in me isn't as intense as mine is (or was) in him. The thing is, I don't feel we are coupled enough to actually break up. And there's no real issue, per se. I'm sort of to the point where I'm occasionally sad about "what could have been," but most of the time I'm just worn out from trying to read him and figure out what's going on. I don't particularly want to cut him out of my life -- he's a nice guy and I like him -- but I need to stop sleeping with him because doing so keeps me tied to him. This is further complicated by the fact that his relationsip with his last gf (of 10 years) ended when she found religion and cut off all sex because she thought it was wrong. I know this was a big blow for him and I don't want to re-open those wounds but at the same time, I can't date someone new while I'm still having sex with him. And while I suppose I could just sit tight until I actually find someone new to date, that doesn't quite feel right either. So how do I broach this? He hasn't done anything wrong and I'm not angry. I just want to become unexclusive so that I can pursue other opportunities if they present themselves. I guess at some level I am hoping he'll be jolted into a change in behavior/emotions, but this isn't my motivation and it's not realistic anyway. From what I read... I feel that you already are unexclusive... since he's not that into you, I don't see what's keeping you from going out with other guys.
Author StartingOver07 Posted May 20, 2007 Author Posted May 20, 2007 Tony - thanks for your perspective. I am not sure the outcome you've predicted will occur as this is a guy who is very gun-shy. Has told me on several occasions that he is afraid to get close, etc., and htis is very much what his actions sugest. He will get very close to me for a period and then back off. He repeats this "dance" and while I understand it, I am not sure I have the continued energy for it. He's in his 50's and I in my 40's so babies are not in the cards. Lizzie - We are exclusive in that we don't date other people. When I say we are not coupled enough to warrant a break-up, this is because he is happy if we see each other once every 10-14 days (we live less than 2 miles from each other and don't have conflicting work schedules or other issues in the way), whereas I want something more. When he's in one of this "close" moods, all is well, but when he's working to distance himself, I feel very much cut adrift and I don't like that feeling.
Tony T Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 Tony - thanks for your perspective. I am not sure the outcome you've predicted will occur as this is a guy who is very gun-shy. Has told me on several occasions that he is afraid to get close, etc., and htis is very much what his actions sugest. He will get very close to me for a period and then back off. He repeats this "dance" and while I understand it, I am not sure I have the continued energy for it. He's in his 50's and I in my 40's so babies are not in the cards. Well, it sounds like he has been very honest with you and his actions are very consistent with what he tells you. Either appreciate that rare quality and hang in there or retreat and go find somebody else who can meet your needs somewhat better. At his age, it's not likely he's going to change anytime soon. He has served you ample and proper notice about the way he is.
Author StartingOver07 Posted May 20, 2007 Author Posted May 20, 2007 Well, it sounds like he has been very honest with you and his actions are very consistent with what he tells you. Either appreciate that rare quality and hang in there or retreat and go find somebody else who can meet your needs somewhat better. At his age, it's not likely he's going to change anytime soon. He has served you ample and proper notice about the way he is. Well, not quite. In the beginning, he was the one pursuing and wanting things to progress. He only became honest after the first few episodes of him pulling back. Had he been honest at the very beginning, I probably would not have gotten involved with him at all. Certainly I wouldn't have started sleeping with him. But he initially saw a future for us that, for whatever reason (he claims fear), he doesn't see now. So it's not quite as cut and dried as all that, but nonetheless I think I finally not only know what I need to do (have known for a while) but finally have the strength to execute (this is where I've been lacking).
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