Insecurities

[flowerfairy142]

THANK YOU in advanced for reading this, and I appreciate ANY advice given!!

 

 

My fiance has serious insecurity issues. We have been together 7 years and I have never given him reasons to doubt me. We plan on getting married in about 2 years or so (although no wedding planning has gotten started yet) and we always talk about marriage and kids. I know I am wonderful to him...I have NEVER cheated on him, or given him ANY reasons for him to doubt me. I think I have always been an excellent girlfriend and I truly love him to death. He is my one and only but his problem (which I have come to realize is quite serious) is that he just seems to have jealousy issues when it comes to me doing things without him...

I'm going out of town for 5 days next week for a business trip and he's gotten really upset about it. He's even trying to make me talk my way out of going! When I told him it's out of the question, after more arguing he just flat out tells me "Oh well so I guess I'll be single for a week!"

Of course I put him in his place about it and we haven't discussed it again. It just really bothers me that he tries to threaten me like that. I know HE isn't capable of cheating but it just hurts a lot to have him say such a thing, you know? Kind of to scare me into not going. Oh and he also said "How do I know you're not going up there to party and stuff" and I'm like "Are you serious?? It's for WORK!!" And I'm going with my supervisor....who's a married WOMAN.

As far as his statement for being "single for a week" goes again...I've known him for 7 years, he is shy and quiet and he just isn't the type of guy to go on cheating (I am being VERY honest here, NOT blinding myself) What bothers me to the core is how come he doesn't have that same TRUST for me? And, being VERY honest again....with him KNOWING that I am INCAPABLE of ever deceiving him like that!!!

I know I am seeking advice here and in order to get the most out of wonderful people replying back, I AM being totally honest in everything I'm saying, including in how i have NEVER given my fiance any reason to doubt me.

Is he just so afraid of loosing me? Is he THAT insecure of himself that he thinks someone else can just wisk me away or something? What is going on here? Is he just being a big BABY???

I'm leaving on Tuesday and I know he's going to give me a rotten time about it (not going to answer my phone calls, etc)

It's really sad, I know, but if this is the only thing that we have a problem with....if everything else in our relationship is wonderful...I really do feel it's worth trying to fix it. We have never had any major arguments or reason to distrust each other. Another aspect of our relationship is that we're always together...we've always been very close....the only thing we're missing is living together or working together.

I even suggested he accompany me on this trip...but he said he has to work and he already has plans to go with his family (it is Memorial Day weekend)

I know he DOES love me very much...we have a beautiful past and we have always been there for each other and he IS still very affectionate with me. We had this argument 2 days ago. Yesterday we went out like on a normal Friday night and were together, everything normal as usual. I did feel a bit of tension though...but we had dinner and went back to his house to watch a movie and get intimate....everything normal as usual.

 

But I know I'm going to have to deal with his attitude again towards me leaving on Tuesday. I just am trying to figure out WHY he has reason to mistrust me....or IS it mistrust? Is it just lack of insecurity on HIS part?

 

And most important of all: HOW CAN I HELP HIM OVERCOME THIS? I don't know how else to prove to him how much I adore him and how much I want to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him, etc.

[Not_That_Innocent]

My husband is the same way - terribly insecure. It drives me crazy and I started to become resentful over it. He didn't accuse me of cheating as much as your guy does, but enough to get under my skin. I just didn't get it 'cause I spent all of my free time with him. He was my best friend.

Then ... I met a guy who was the complete opposite of him in the confidence department. Everyone else thinks this guy is an egotistical jerk, but I find his confidence incredibly sexy and I became attracted to him. I know you said that you would never cheat on your guy, but after a while, low self esteem becomes a real turn off. Maybe he's depressed and needs counseling. My husband and I are separated right now and he has been in therapy and it seems like it is helping him. I think my husband's problem with self esteem had to do with him being terribly depressed by things that happened to him long before he met me.

[Lizzie60]

I really have no idea why, all of a sudden, he's jealous and acting in a very immature way about it... I think you need to address this problem before it gets out of proportion and poison your relationship...

 

Maybe counselling would be good for him... to overcome his insecurities...

 

and another thing... this could be a sign that he has cheated...I know you said that you are absolutely sure he never did..but no one can absolutely be 100% sure.

 

I have met incredibly shy men that were looking for an affair... this has nothing to do with being shy or whatever.

 

If he's not willing to go in counselling or try to work on his childish behaviour I say you're in for deceptions.

[flowerfairy142]

Thank you for the response. It's just really difficult to have to be dealing with this nonsense. It's hurtful actually, it really does hurt. I'M the one feeling depressed about this because I absolutely hate being in a fight with him...but its going to happen regardless when i leave for my business trip in 2 days.

He HAS had some family problems and situations. His grandfather, the onle male figure in his life, passed away 2 years ago. I really believe that's when things started taking its toll on him. His sister also betrayed the family in a cruel way...and he had refered to her has his "best friend". They are not in speaking terms whatsoever, even though they live under the same roof. I can imagine that just adds to the stress.

I really always thought I was there for him to help him through all these difficulties and more. I KNOW he knows that. It just hurts that he has to hurt his only source of comfort and solace, you know. At least thats what I feel I am to him...among many other things.

 

I think the problem might also be with me...my actions might be unknowingly poisoning our relationship. I really don't like confrontation and at times when he doesn't deserve I answer his phone calls or go see him...I am SO weak that I give in. There are times when he goes out with a friend or two and he doesn't bother to call me about it...I have to find out from his mom where he went. Then the next day, when he calls me, I still go over to his house and of course, I show him how mad I am but then we quickly forget about it. It's an on-going pattern. It doesnt happen too often though, which is a good thing. We spend all our free time together. But sometimes I think he does this on purpose...so that I could miss him maybe?

Another problem I think I also contribute to our relationship is that I make myself too available to him. Again...I am just so weak because I just love being with him. Sometimes I don't put him in his place because I hate being in a fight with him. When we DO have an argument...which aren't so common anyways, we've only had ONE major argument in our 7 years together where we went 1 week without speaking.....I always get nervous about whether our relationship is ending. I know it's VERY silly but I can't help but imagine, when we are not in good terms, how life would be like without him.

Do you guys know what its like to be with a person for 7 years, and being with him/her every single day? (except some days when we've gone on vacation with our families but those days have lessened significantly now that I travel with him and his family) We ARE very close...so close that he IS my other half. I just hates when he gets stupid like this.

[claudia2000ca]

Can I ask how old you are? You say youve been together for 7 years but still live with your parents right?

Im really curious because my story is the other way around. Im the one thats insecure for absolutely no reason and it was neat to hear someones perspective of having a partern whos insecure , now I know how my bf feels:o!

[flowerfairy142]

I am 24, my boyfriend is 25...we are 11 months apart. If there's anything I can do to help, please let me know. Things are fantastic between us now...we have resolved our differences and talked A LOT about things.

[ash519]

Hey Flower- I am so glad you have worked things out and things are better. Just like Claudia, i an the insecure one. I am definately improving on it and myself but i sometimes fall back into it and my bf gets so mad. I am 25, he is 29. The other night he went to a friends at 10 and didnt come home until 4:30 am. They went to a bar and then went back to his friends house to play a game kinda like horseshoes. It was the two of them, one other guy and one girl (my bros ex). Well, I called at like 4 while he was out and got super mad at him!!!! He didnt text me to tell me how late he was going to be. We live together. So...big fight, he wants me to just be ok with everything and know that no matter what he isnt doing anything bad...basically trust him no matter what scenerio he is in...what do you think???

[flowerfairy142]

Hey Ash,

I know it can be difficult...my fiance has pulled that crap on me before of not calling me to let me know he's going to be late, etc. (but we don't live together) Anyways, I really DO think that if he has shown himself worthy of full trust then he does deserve full and undenying trust from your part. That's the part that has hurt me the most...that I HAVE shown him that I am completely and absolutely trustworthy and it hurts that somehow he doubted me.

Although we have resolved our differences, I still kinda feel he hasn't completely gotten over his insecurities. I figure what I have to do is be loving and patient and continue to demonstrate my trustworthiness as I have, these whole 7 years we've been together. I can honestly say I have never done anything that would make him doubt me.

It's a whole other story if, lets say, i ever cheated on him and somehow he forgave me and is giving me a 2nd chance...i believe that to prove I am trustworthy again in this situation is very difficult.

Everyone deserves to be trusted, especially people in a relationship. Trust is the foundation! Without trust...there isn't much left.

Communicate, communicate, communicate!!! I have found out the hard way how important it is to communicate! You'd be surprised how many misunderstandings people have about certain things and all because of lack of communication!!

[Trialbyfire]

It sounds like the two of you are in a codependent relationship. You need each other, rather than want to be with each other. This isn't a healthy state to be in. Time for the two of you to start doing more things separately so you don't rely on the other to create your happiness.

[flowerfairy142]

I do not need my fiance to be happy. It helps a great deal that he IS in my life because I owe a great deal of my happiness to him. Even though I dont want to experience it, I DO know there is life and happiness even without him being a part of it.

And yes, it IS important to pick up seperate hobbies and do seperate things, I absolutely agree.

[claudia2000ca]

hey flowerfairy..and ash 519...yes Im very insecure...and im only 19! I do need lots of help to overcome it because my relationship with my bf is on the rocks. My bf is always pointing out hot celebs and stuff and he loves maria sharapova, i know itrs stupid of me to get mad but i do, because hes always saying how he loves blonde tall women. He says he says it because he wants me to laugh and take it as a joke, but i cant. Im not naturally blonde and im 5'3 so then i wounder what is he doing with me?? it gets me soo insecure and when i see a girl like that on the streets while im with him i get soo nervous and think hes looking at her or wishing she was with that girl. seriously i have problems. He know how i feel and he want me to be more confidence, but i have little voices in my head telling me other wise. Now with him going out with friends...I do let him, but not to clubs or parties, just like movies or malls....sometimes he gets so fustrated with me because im soo possessive and controlling. He says that if i continue to be like that our relationship will go nowhere, i do trust him and he is a wonderfull bf and couldnt ask for more. Would you please help me to be more confident about myself and more secure...thanks ill really appreciate it.

this is really fast because i have to go out now, but ill give you more details soon.

 

cheers

[flowerfairy142]

Claudia,

Don't worry, my fiance and I joke occassionally lin the same manner that your bf does. I'll say about a movie star or a random guy in the street "Ooo wow, what a hottie" or he'd go "Oh hell yeah, she's fine" but it's all in good fun and we obviously don't do it to be malicious towards each other. Even though HE'S the insecure one in my situation, the only advice I can probably give you is think about this: If he didn't love you or feel attracted to you, would he still be with you? Everyone is always going to see someone else that isn't their partner and think "Wow, he/she is cute" but now what separates self-respecting people from whores is their actions. Its totally ok and normal to look at the physical attractiveness of someone other than your partner. It turns ugly when you become involved with that person while you're ALREADY in a relationship. Honestly, don't YOU ever see a celebrity or a guy on the street and stop and think "Wow, he's cute!". Come on, I'm sure you do!

Another thing, men don't like to feel trapped. If you're putting limits on him already as to where he can go...I don't know how he might feel you'd be if you ever wound up committing to a long-term relationship with him (or even marriage).

I honestly don't care where my fiance goes. He can go to strip clubs with his friends if he wants to but there are limits (like I wouldn't be happy if he paid for a lap-dance), you know? Besides, I've been with my love for over 7 years and I know him almost better than he knows himself...which is another reason why I am so secure. I know it isn't in him to go out and cheat on me with another girl. Still, even though I'm super secure, I still sometimes DO get a teeny bit jealous if I see him talking to a girl in any given situation that I am with him. And sometimes I DO show it to him a little bit afterwards...and I think he likes it that I get a little jealous. It's a sign that shows that I still care enough about him to react like that, as silly as it might be. A little jealousy here and there just shows caring.

I probably got a little carried off track lol but just remember...try not to be possessive. It's hard, I know. I'm 24 and at 19 I felt the same way as you, even though I never laid down any "rules" for him. You'll get over your jealousy eventually (assuming you're a normal person lol) but try really hard not to act possessive. And NEVER accuse him of things. Just say things like "I feel...." "I think...."

If you need any more advice, I'll be happy to help again...assuming this even helped you at all lol!

[claudia2000ca]

flowerfairy

 

thanks so much about your reply it has really made me think..a bit late but its better late than never. Just today i went out to dinner with my bf and we got into the hugest fight about my jealousy, he said he was tired of me being like that and hes right. I just have to learn to let it go and accept things like; him looking at attractive girl , like you said. I know i will over come it but it taked time you know.

 

Another thing, he is going away to college in Sept and he wont be living at home he'll be in Residense but its really close to my house, and ive talked to him about life at college and how there are soo many parties and drinking, which he isnt really into. Now I know he's going to meet new people and i get worried sometimes and start thinking ahead of what is gonna happen and assume things that make me go insane, i know people that werent into parties that since they started college they dont miss one.

the thing is ,You see, we dont really have many friends cause the ones we had moved away to go to school and the ones that live close we dont see them often.

My bf lives about 45 min drive from my house but he takes the train every weekend to come and see me, its really sweet, so we pretty much we spent every free time that we have with eachother, so we dont go anywhere with friends, we've done it like once or twice but thats its.

How should i cope with the college life, should i be worried???

 

thanks claudia

[flowerfairy142]

Listen, if he loves you enough to have made you his girlfriend and if he really cares about you and your feelings, no amount of parties or girls around him in college is going to make him fall into temptation. And if he does, he isn't the kind of guy you are supposed to be with. Besides, you both are still really young. I mean, I'm not really one to talk because I started dating my fiance when I was 17, he was 18. He was never into drinking or partying a lot either and any party that he did go to, he always brought me along (I, on the other hand, have gone to 2 parties without him and he got mad lol. Understandably so, I guess but I figured at the time...and still think like this mind you.... that hey, if I KNOW that I'm not going to do anything that will hurt him, why can't I go wherever I want?) I KNOW the kind of person that I am and I KNOW that I am not capable of doing something that will hurt my fiance and our relationship so I see no problem with me going out to a party without him...but then again, I'd always rather HE join me along, you know? But even if it's going out with some girlfriends, he shouldn't give me a hard time about it.

Guys....guys are different, so maybe when they go out together they'd tell each other "damn that chick is hot" and of course, I don't doubt that if that happens with my fiance, he'd also agree that that chick is hot. I don't care if he says that, because 1st of all he has to look like a "Man" to his friend and secondly, there's nothing wrong with saying "that chick is hot". Now, if he were to go, talk to her and ask for her number and DENY that he's already in a relationship...that's already crossing the line!

See, I talk to guys and I DO have guy friends...but I NEVER deny that I'm engaged...heck, I have a ring on my left hand!

Another thing...I live in Miami and I don't know how different girls are up where you're from but in Miami, girls usually are the ones that like to hit on men, even if they're already taken! These sluts love that challenge. So even if I do trust my fiance 100%, the people I need to watch out are those girls. Do you know that one time, we went to a restaurant and a waitress recognized him from high school and struck up a quick conversation with him....never acknowledging me....and ended up writing her PHONE NUMBER on one of our napkins??!! I'm telling you, girls are wicked!! My fiance left the napkin on the table when we left though, in plain view for her to see lol. But I'm telling you...girls now-a-days can be unbelievably fresh and down-right lacking self-respect!

But regardless of how slutty girls are now-a-days, if a girl tries to hook up with a man who is already taken and the man falls for temptation, HE has has much fault as SHE does, regardless if SHE initiated it.

Again, if your boyfriend loves and cares about you as much as he SHOULD, he would never do anything to hurt you and if he does...oh well, he wasn't meant for you.

[claudia2000ca]

Yes you are right about all you've said and im going to try my best in overcoming my insecuritues. I know how girls are, Im live here in Canada and they are not that bad, but back in cuba where im from, girls are worse but so are guys. But now that im going to cuba in 2 weeks im sure gonna be more confident about myself and my relationship.

Also its not that if he goes out to a party by hmself I wont trust him, but if he goes and im at home bored id bitch at him because i would want to be there with him, you know? I know he needs his space to be with his friends and doing "guy" stuff but I love him too much and i want to sepnt every second of the day with him specially when we dont see eachother often. We've been together for 2 years already since we were 17 too and I hope that it goes a long way!

 

anyways thanks so much for all your help ill keep you posted on how we've been doing!

 

Cheers

claudia

[flowerfairy142]

I'm Cuban too! Well, my family left Cuba in the early 60's at the beginning of Castro's regime.

Just thought I'd mention that lol.

I understand how you feel...at the beginning I also wanted to spend every second with him. My fiance and I see each other every day and we've been doing this for, wow, 7 years already (well of course there's always been the 1-2 days that we haven't, or we've gone out of town with our families without each other, etc). Actually now, I value both my time with him and without him too.

Try going out with YOUR friends too more often and doing girl stuff. Don't seem to be so needy of him, if you are. Are you the one that's always calling him, etc? Do you answer the phone the second it rings and it's from him? Make him miss you a bit. That's one of the errors I did at the beginning of my relationship...I made myself too available. I still have a hard time making myself a little unavailable but I'm getting there! Trust me, it makes him want you even more and that's a good feeling.

[claudia2000ca]

wow what a coincidence, but I guess you were born in Miami. My dad came for work here and stayed and then brought me and my mom over when i was just 8. Is your bf cuban too?? Cause mine is lol!

 

You ask if i make myself too available for him, i infact do, every time he calls I pick up and so forth. But he is like that too, unless he is sleeping lol.

I wish i could go out with my girl friends and such but the ones I have also have bfs and are busy with them or just live too far. Like i said the only free time i use it to see my bf, and since i dont see him everyday i have to spend that time with him , which leaves me no free time for my friends, or else i wouldnt see my bf if i choose to go out with my them. get it?

 

Well i guess when we both start school that will change because we will eventually meet new people with the same interests. i know he would love for me to join him any where he goes, unless its guy stuff, and vise versa. I know i will have to get used to that, its not easy for me to accept him going out with friends by himself.

[flowerfairy142]

Yup, my family came from Cuba and moved to Miami...actually they spent a couple of years in Puerto Rico until they finally settled down here in the late 70's. I was born here, same as my fiance and yes, his family is Cuban too, same situation Are there many Cubans in Canada?

I understand what you mean but it's necessary for a couple to go out on occasion and hang out with their own friends. I think that's one of the "problems" my fiance and I have...we don't do that enough. We never tell each other "Oh by the way, instead of going out w/ you tonight I'm going with my friends". Fri, Sat. and Sun nights are "reserved" in a way for us to be together. Trust me, I'd rather he be with me the few times he DOES go out with his friends but in a relationship you can't be bossing around and putting restrictions on people because guess what...they'll still do whatever they want to do and worst of all, they'd do it behind you back.

And yes...you're young! I know I was too when I started getting serious with my man, but it worked out for us. For sure, we've had our difficult moments but I'm proud to say we've had much more ups than downs.

So yeah, I hope it all works out for you! Start saying things like "Have fun with your friends!" and seem happy he's going to go out, even if you're not. He'll probably start wondering whats up with you lol. My mom always told me that if you love someone let him/her go....if he/she comes back to you then you were meant to be together. Try it. I've done it and it works

[claudia2000ca]

yes there is actually quite lots of cubans here but they are all spread throughout the city but is far less than miami. I also have family in miami i was supposed to go there in the summer but im going to cuba instead.

Is your fiance cuban born in cuba or born in miami like you?

 

Its been two days since ive been much better about my insecurity problem. But let me tell you that as much as I try there are going to be days that im just fine, but there are some days that I'll fall back into thinking that im not good enough for my him.

I just admire him because he is such a secure person that loves himself and I just cant understand how he is able to act like that, to be able to trust me and not get worried about other guys, but then again i dont give him any reasons to feel insecure.

 

Today we went out to a bakery and there was this blond girl quite cute and attractive there serving us, she looked younger than us but I kept looking at my bf to see if he was looking at her, im telling you there is something wrong with me....lol I know they will always look but i just cant accept that, like for an hour I will and then i fall back questioning why he looked at her. I didnt mention anything to him though, which I was very proud of but i couldnt stop making up stories in my head! Sometimes i dont even know how to act when this happens! Help!

he has told me that looks do matter but not as much as how you feel about the person, and when he tells me this, it makes me think and feel good about our relationship and then again boom everything he said just erases out of my mind! I know this is so immature of myself, but honestly the only thing that is ruining my relationship is this, my bf even told me.

Once he said, you are the perfect girlfriend but your jealousy and possessiveness is ruining everything! its quite sad!

[flowerfairy142]

My fiance is born in Miami, same as me, from Cuban parents

Anyways, you seriously need to lock up that big green monster that you have and throw away the key! What if your relationship really does end because of this...and then when you get involved in another relationship, the same thing happens again? I know it's not going to happen "de la noche a la mañana" but you really need to try your best to stop thinking and feeling these silly things.

I know you're still young...you're still a teenager and that's an age when there are a lot of insecurities, much more so than as an older adult.

I agree, looks DO matter and help keep the sexual attractiveness alive. I hope you aren't one of these girlfriends that only puts on an old t-shirt and shorts and thinks that's presentable enough for her man, lol! My grandmother...she's been with my grandpa for over 50 years mind you...she STILL won't let him see her with curlers in her hair or when she feels she isn't so attractive! Unfortunately, even though looks aren't the most important aspect in a relationship, subconsciously, it becomes important and I think more so for men. That's why it's always so important to always at least make sure you look good. I have one rule...I NEVER wear t-shirts. They're bulky and make me look FAT and masculine lol. T-shirts are for men...so that's my rule. I also don't wear granny panties...and I still fix myself up for my fiance when I'm going to see him...the hair, make-up, perfume...everything like when we first started going out (although I've minimized the make-up considerably lol). So it's these things that men really do appreciate...and they do feel proud to be seen with a gorgeous and confident woman, especially among their friends.

Hey if you'd like to email me, you're more than welcome: [email protected]

 

Good luck!