Is his heart with me or her?

[trying to do right]

I just found out the guy I was/am engaged to was still talking to and seeing his ex girlfriend. We dated and known each other for 1.5 years, they have known each other for 5 years and have been "broken up" for over 3.

 

Most of the 1.5 years we have been together he was in contact with her. They slept together only once but he asked to see her 9 times. She called off the fling about 3 months before we got engaged but he still did things to get her attention. Even after we were engaged he did things to get her attention when she said she wouldn't talk to him since he was engaged.

 

She told him she would tell me everything and he never asked her not to. He even told her to tell me if she felt she needed to tell me to do so but to just leave my parents out of it. I know all this because she sent me over 300 pages of email strings that they exchanged while he and I have been together. He kept her a total secret.

 

I wonder if he still has feelings for her but only asked to marry me since we dated for over a year and he had traumic things happen in his life lately that would trigger something like an engagement. His mom died, his ex-wife (not same girl as above) is marrying the guy she left him for, and he turned 40.

 

Help me understand

[zilverenvlinder]

I'm sorry babe. That really sucks.

 

You can do whatever you feel is right, I wasn't there and don't know the whole story, but if you really love him and he really loves you he will apologize and promise to never see her again. If it comes down to that ultimatum then so be it. If he doesn't love you enough to do that then it won't work.

 

Don't be afraid! Give him an ultimatum!

[green-eyed beauty]

I imagine a lot of your answers are in the 300 pages of email exchanges. What kinds of things did he tell her while he was seeing you? Was this a matter of him wanting to get back together with her or something? I don't get it, because if he met you, why would he still want contact with her and still want to see her?

[trying to do right]

Some of the emails were sexually driven. Some of them were just them chatting.

 

I just wonder if even if we were married would he still think of her and talk to her.

[norajane]

He slept with her while you were together, and SHE was the one who called things off with him shortly before you were engaged???

 

This is not a man you can trust. I certainly hope you are not entertaining the thought of actually getting married to him! He obviously has feelings for her, and being with you has not changed his feelings for her AT ALL. What a selfish cheating prick to string you along like that!

 

She told him she would tell me everything and he never asked her not to. He even told her to tell me if she felt she needed to tell me to do so but to just leave my parents out of it. I know all this because she sent me over 300 pages of email strings that they exchanged while he and I have been together. He kept her a total secret.

 

This should be enough for you to walk away and never look back.

[Island Girl]

I just found out the guy I was/am engaged to was still talking to and seeing his ex girlfriend. We dated and known each other for 1.5 years, they have known each other for 5 years and have been "broken up" for over 3.

 

You say "was/am" engaged. Are you really still engaged to this guy...!

 

If you just found out he was in contact with her the entire relationship -- you didn't know -- then you should not be thinking of marrying this guy.

 

Relationships - good ones - have total disclosure about contact with members of the opposite sex. Especially exes.

 

Marriage is a bond signifying his commitment to you and the exclusion of others. All others.

 

This man has been hiding things from you. That is not something that should just be taken in stride, easily fixed, or passed over. It is a significant breach of trust and in itself should cause you to back off the idea of marriage.

 

Most of the 1.5 years we have been together he was in contact with her. They slept together only once but he asked to see her 9 times. She called off the fling about 3 months before we got engaged but he still did things to get her attention. Even after we were engaged he did things to get her attention when she said she wouldn't talk to him since he was engaged.

 

So they slept together while the two of you have been exclusive -- and you are still WITH HIM?

 

He shouldn't be your boyfriend - and most certainly not your fiance. You can not possibly be thinking of marrying this man!?

 

SHE -- this other woman called it off not him. He'd still be a happy participant in the affair. He was "still doing things to get her attention"!!

 

Even after the two of you got engaged he still was making an effort to be with HER.

 

What are you DOING?!!

 

She told him she would tell me everything and he never asked her not to. He even told her to tell me if she felt she needed to tell me to do so but to just leave my parents out of it.

 

You state he never asked her not to tell you as if that has some merit. SO what!? UGH!

 

I know all this because she sent me over 300 pages of email strings that they exchanged while he and I have been together. He kept her a total secret.

 

You are lucky she has not participated in more of his betrayal. She has not seen him since he got engaged to you and probably feels you should have full disclosure so you can see him for what he is.

 

So she has given you everything you need to dump him and walk away.

 

Your name is "trying to do right". The right thing would be to get rid of his sneaky, two faced, lying, cheating, deceitful, sliding along on his belly, lower than pond scum, sorry behind.

 

 

I wonder if he still has feelings for her but only asked to marry me since we dated for over a year and he had traumic things happen in his life lately that would trigger something like an engagement. His mom died, his ex-wife (not same girl as above) is marrying the guy she left him for, and he turned 40.

 

Yes he still has feelings for her - to the extent that he has feelings. Which isn't very much. He cares about himself and is selfish.

 

Who knows why he proposed. It really doesn't matter and no matter what anyone says here - or what he would say is the reason - doesn't mean it's true.

 

Again, it really doesn't matter.

 

He has shown himself to be without integrity or character. He has shown himself to be a lower life form incapable of commitment and any amount of integrity.

 

You shouldn't be his friend, girlfriend, fiance, and absolutely not his wife!

 

It shouldn't even be a discussion - you should not be with a man that has treated you so terribly.

 

Why are you even entertaining the thought of being with him?

 

Don't you think you deserve better?

[Lizzie60]

I just found out the guy I was/am engaged to was still talking to and seeing his ex girlfriend. We dated and known each other for 1.5 years, they have known each other for 5 years and have been "broken up" for over 3.

 

Most of the 1.5 years we have been together he was in contact with her. They slept together only once but he asked to see her 9 times. She called off the fling about 3 months before we got engaged but he still did things to get her attention. Even after we were engaged he did things to get her attention when she said she wouldn't talk to him since he was engaged.

 

She told him she would tell me everything and he never asked her not to. He even told her to tell me if she felt she needed to tell me to do so but to just leave my parents out of it. I know all this because she sent me over 300 pages of email strings that they exchanged while he and I have been together. He kept her a total secret.

 

I wonder if he still has feelings for her but only asked to marry me since we dated for over a year and he had traumic things happen in his life lately that would trigger something like an engagement. His mom died, his ex-wife (not same girl as above) is marrying the guy she left him for, and he turned 40.

 

Help me understand

 

I can't believe that, after what you wrote here, you still aren't sure if this guy has feeling for HER.... of course he does, he just can't let go of her... I think it's clear!

 

If you are going to marry this guy, then you have to be prepared to share him with her or/and many other women.

 

To be honest, I have no idea why he would ask you to marry him... what happened in his life (what you called traumatic things) have nothing to do with this. The only reason I can think of...is that he knows you're not that strong and that he can play you and you will always take him back... he knows he can manipulate you...

 

He's certainly still obsessed with her... so move on...let her have him back...

[trying to do right]

I know I am crazy. But it hurts and I know if I leave she can get him back. If I stay he might decide that he really wants to be with me. Part of me says, they only slept together once and everyone makes mistakes.

[norajane]

I know I am crazy. But it hurts and I know if I leave she can get him back. If I stay he might decide that he really wants to be with me. Part of me says, they only slept together once and everyone makes mistakes.

 

But he tried to sleep with her more than that, 9 times he asked to see her, right? SHE didn't let it go that far, she ended things with him. He WANTED to sleep with her while he was with you. You really have to understand that he would have done a lot more with her if she had let him.

 

He's not going to decide he wants you more than her. Sooner or later, he's going to dump you for her, if she gives him a chance. So dump him before he cheats on you some more and ultimately leaves you for her.

[norajane]

Trying to do right, when you were a little girl, did you dream about falling love with a man who was hung up on his ex, cheated on you, hid his relationship with her which included 300 emails?

 

Or did you dream about love with a man who loved only you?

 

Try and do right for yourself, because he's not looking out for you, and he's not looking out for your best interests.

 

Don't settle for less than you dreamed of. Don't settle for a guy who's in love with someone else. Don't settle.

[Lizzie60]

I know I am crazy. But it hurts and I know if I leave she can get him back. If I stay he might decide that he really wants to be with me. Part of me says, they only slept together once and everyone makes mistakes.

 

but love is totally makes you blind my dear. You know that if you leave she'll have him back..that means one thing... this guy is obsessed and clearly still in love with her... trust me... it will hurt even more once you get married...because he won't stop.

 

How do you know they only slept together once? and this is NOT a mistake... not after all what he's done.

 

Come on, give your head a shake... be independant, strong. No men on earth is worth that much pain.

[Trialbyfire]

People don't make 300 page email mistakes nevermind the sleeping with her.

 

IF you want a chance at happiness with a man who considers you his priority, it's time to sever your relationship with someone who lies and cheats.

[Island Girl]

I know I am crazy. But it hurts and I know if I leave she can get him back. If I stay he might decide that he really wants to be with me. Part of me says, they only slept together once and everyone makes mistakes.

 

I don't know what is going on with your self esteem and self respect. But you need to be taking a little better care of yourself.

 

If you dump him and she gets back with him -- you have lost nothing - a man who is a selfish scumbag and she has gained nothing (a selfish lying scumbag).

 

This guy is a total and complete loser. He is not worth any amount of effort or time.

 

Love is about respect and caring about another persons feelings.

 

He has not shown you that he respects you or that he cares about you.

 

And being a doormat by putting up with such poor behavior does not cause feelings of caring and respect to grow. In fact it is completely the opposite.

 

They slept together once - which should be enough for you to dump him - but by your own admission it would have been more often if SHE had let it.

 

He did not have a one time screw up and then confess it to you while begging you not to leave him.

 

He cheated on you and has been chasing after his ex the entire time you have been together. He slept with her, and when she put a stop to it, he still kept trying again and again.

 

Even after she threatened to expose his behavior to you, he didn't tell her not to - he didn't tell her he wanted to be the one to break it to you out of respect for your feelings. He just told her not to involve your parents.

 

Yes, you are right, everyone makes mistakes.

 

You made a mistake by choosing this guy as a potential partner. Not your fault because he lied and betrayed you. You made a mistake - as everyone does - so learn from it and don't make an even bigger mistake by staying with this loser.

[whichwayisup]

I just wonder if even if we were married would he still think of her and talk to her.

 

Yes.

 

Do NOT marry this guy. Please listen to the advice you've been given by everyone else here. If you DO marry him, your life is going to be miserable!

[trying to do right]

Thank you for your advice. I will get the nerve to end it. It hurts but I keep telling myself I'll be fine one day.

[Island Girl]

Thank you for your advice. I will get the nerve to end it. It hurts but I keep telling myself I'll be fine one day.

 

It'll hurt -- really bad once and then the healing will begin.

 

Then you can move on and find happiness.

 

If you don't end it you'll experience this ache in some degree for a long long long time.

 

Sometimes it will be just as it is now...unhappiness mixed with fear and hurt.

 

Other times it will deepen into such a wrenching pain that you feel you have internal injuries and your heart is being squeezed so tightly that you can barely breath from how much it hurts.

 

Then it subsides as you tell yourself whatever you have to so you can still stay -- "he really loves me" - "he is just insecure" - "he is really sorry this time" - "he says it won't happen again and this time he means it", etc.

 

The cycle starts all over again.

 

Then, eventually, it'll end anyway.

 

So don't put yourself through more unnecessary torment.

 

Just dump his sorry behind and find a man that will treat you as you deserve to be treated.

 

I've said it many times before:

The only thing a bad guy does really well is keep a good guy away.

[trying to do right]

Thanks again.

 

I think it wouldn't hurt so much if he was out just screwing tons of girls. Then I could tell myself, he has issues I can't control but loves me and leaving wouldn't hurt so bad.

 

I think what makes it hurt so much is, even though he was with me physically; emotionally or mentally she has him.

[Island Girl]

even though he was with me physically; emotionally or mentally she has him.

 

Emotionally he is hollow and selfish.

 

Mentally he is egotistical and incapable of true compassion or caring.

 

Sound like out of the two of you, you got the better end of the deal.

 

And now you can go get the man who can be present with you in all three of these capacities.

[trying to do right]

I am feeling better. I just feel used and played. I just wonder how someone would ask someone to marry them when he clearly has interest somewhere else.

 

Many questions go thru my mind:

Did he want her tell me so he could get out of it?

 

Will they end up together?

 

What is she like?

 

So many questions I'd like answered.

[nittygritty]

This is your fiance's problem. This is how he conducts himself in relationships.

 

It has nothing to do with you or the significance of his relationship with the other woman. He will most likely always have someone on the side.

 

He is a selfish person.

 

You need to focus on healing yourself from the pain that this relationship has caused you.

 

Be glad that you found this out before you married him.

 

You have been given the opportunity to be happy.

[Island Girl]

Many questions go thru my mind:

Did he want her tell me so he could get out of it?

 

Will they end up together?

 

What is she like?

 

So many questions I'd like answered.

 

Instead of asking those questions which you may never get answered and even if you do will provide little knowledge if any -- ask yourself these:

 

Why would I even entertain the idea of giving him a "pass" when he doesn't deserve one?

 

Why was I willing to put up with so little when I offer so much?

 

Why have I been so concerned about him and what he is doing when I should have been watching out for ME?

 

You are worth so much more than he has given you. You are worthy of someone who will give their all to you just as you are willing to do.

 

You were more than entertaining the thought of spending the rest of your life with a man who is clearly unworthy of you.

 

Even in the face of such insurmountable evidence that he is a lying, cheating, scum of a human being you were on the fence about leaving him.

 

Please take some time and give yourself some much needed pampering. You need to bolster your self esteem a little bit and take some time to find out why you lost yourself in such a mess when you could have and should have walked away when you found out he cheated on you.

[trying to do right]

My friend tells me that I should be thankful the other girl had what it takes to "rat him out." Even though right now I hate her and think my life would be perfect without her in it, I know my friend is right.

 

My friend thinks "John" asked me to marry him because I was there for over a year, he feels the need to get married and he thinks he can control me. She told me, "I don't mean to hurt you but he does like her but he can't control her. If he could control her she never would have told you." I am going to show him that he can't control me.

 

There is a reason I found out now and not after we are married. God, I don't mean to preach, was looking out for me.

[norajane]

My friend tells me that I should be thankful the other girl had what it takes to "rat him out." Even though right now I hate her and think my life would be perfect without her in it, I know my friend is right.

 

He's the one you should be hating, not her. He made your life less than perfect, not her. He kept her in his life - she wouldn't be in it unless he wanted her there, unless he begged her to see him, unless HE acted to keep her in his life. She broke it off with him, remember? She walked away. Yet, he's still hung up on her.

 

She did you a favor. Hate him instead because he's the one who lied, cheated, and then lied some more before carrying on the deception with a marriage proposal and lying some more and then some more.

[trying to do right]

Maybe if I focus my anger on him and not hating her, I would feel better about this.

 

You are right, if he didn't want her there she wouldn't have been there.

[trying to do right]

I do appreciate all the help from the girls but I wish a guy would give me his insight.