How can I get his interest back to where it was?

[green-eyed beauty]

1. She did contact him already. Several times. He only responded.

2. He only contacted her to wish her a happy birthday (basically because she reminded him via text.)

3. It's been like...almost 2 weeks since he did the deed with her

4. He's Just Not That Into Her

 

 

 

Stargazer, John and I just had an interesting discussion regarding your situation, and it was really surprising to see how differently our perspectives were on it.

 

As a female, I’m with the majority here who say “don’t contact him. Let him contact you.” Although I would have probably been numpty enough to pick up the phone the very next day just to say, “Hey, what’s up?” Especially if I had no clue whatsoever that anything between us was even off. I’ve never read the dating rule book so I just go by what feels right and genuine to me. However, I can imagine how awkward it might start to feel as more time passes. Wondering: is he going to call me, or should I call him? I think I might be going into panic mode just like you, starting to imagine that I’d been played. In that case, there would be no way I’d risk my dignity any further by chasing after the guy. I’d just assume leave him wondering, too. Now how pathetically childish is that (???)

 

But John sees it differently. He reminded me that a week really isn’t that long. He said that sustaining some dignity is a “guy thing”, too. That if this guy pursued you so heavily in the beginning, while you were playing “hard to get,” he may also have some apprehensions about looking pathetic if he calls too soon. He also mentioned that he may be getting a little misguided “relationship coaching” from his well-meaning buds.

 

Now I say ... Let the guy pursue you if he’s really interested. And if he doesn’t call, gather your dignity, vanish gracefully, and move on to bigger and better things without all the drama.

 

John says ... Don’t make such a big deal out of one week. It’s only been a week. Just call the guy as if nothing’s wrong and catch up like usual. Be yourself. And if there’s something amiss, if he avoids answering or returning your call ... THEN you’ll have your answer.

 

I agree with him in respect to the fact that the more time you allow to pass, the more awkward it will become for both of you. Who knows ... maybe the guy’s wondering why he hasn’t heard from you either. (???)

 

Hope I haven’t succeeded in confusing you even more. But whatever you decide to do ... please don’t go into panic mode, yet. And don’t deal out the “Goodbye and don’t ever contact me again” card until your absolutely sure it’s the only hand your left with.

[nicki]

I'm also a very verbal woman and a take charge one, too. So, I would have called him up after a few days of not hearing from him and asked "What's up?"

 

After not hearing from him, it would be helpful to think of that as additional info as to why YOU don't want him. If you call him to say "Hi" and he doesn't respond, then more info as to why you don't want him.

 

If you lay your cards on the table and talk to him, then it doesn't diminish you at all. His response or lack of one, will give you more info.

 

But, if you feel you have all the info you need to decide he's not for you, then don't call him. Don't chase him. In my experience, the guys I had to chase were the worst relationships I ever had. The dynamic plays over and over again.

 

Better to have a clearly interested guy who communicates well from the beginning.

 

I'm a real b*tch sometimes, so please disregard the following advice. If this guy was making me feel powerless and I wanted to even the playing field in a dysfunctional way, then I'd probably do the following.

 

I would call him and apologize for (me) being so "distant"....and that I'm sorry I hurt HIM. I'd give him so bull**** about "not being ready for a relationship" and that it's "me, not him." (That's always a good one._

 

Then, just for fun, I'd probably zing him a parting shot about the sex being less than stellar...maybe something along the lines of "and I just didn't feel much physical compatibility. Sorry." Or maybe casually mention that you are used to your ex and he was just so well hung that you miss him too much."

 

Then I'd mention to all friends in common how much he sucked in bed and that you really couldn't get over that point...and how you are sure he must be a nice guy -- for the right girl!

 

Really, the above is better in fantasy, not reality. It's not healthy to do that! (Well, maybe in a more subtle way)

 

It's better to move on. Then when he starts to wonder and calls you in a few months, you can answer the phone and blow him off by immediately getting off the phone and then never answering any future calls....except with a text that reads "please stop calling me."

 

By then you will be spending time with a wonderful guy who will make you forget why you were so upset by a guy who failed to show the adoration you deserve!

[Star Gazer]

1. She did contact him already. Several times. He only responded.

2. He only contacted her to wish her a happy birthday (basically because she reminded him via text.)

3. It's been like...almost 2 weeks since he did the deed with her

4. He's Just Not That Into Her

 

I'm not sure why you're so focused on HIM - previously saying he's likely with another woman, and now saying he's not into me. Perhaps that's true, but in comparing your responses to everyone else's, it's as though you're intent on making me feel bad. When everyone else is saying, "SG you deserve better, you're awesome, move on," instead YOU choose to characterize everything in an extremely negative light, as if in an attempt to make me feel even worse than I do. Why is that?

 

1. I did not contact him SEVERAL times, and he HAS initiated contact. Just not nearly as much as before.

 

2. I did not have to remind him of my birthday. For the past month, HE has been reminding ME of my own birthday, as if I didn't know. His birthday message was specifically that he wanted to be the first one to wish me happy birthday that morning. I appreciated it. If he were truly trying to desperately avoid me, he wouldn't have done that. My ex last year broke up with me 5 days before my birthday, and we had a SERIOUS relationship. I didn't get a PEEP outta him.

 

3. It's been 11 days since I left his house. He's been fighting forest fires for 9 of those days. The two where he wasn't were the two days immediately after I left his house.

 

4. I'm not convinced that's true. But it doesn't matter anyway.

[Star Gazer]

After not hearing from him, it would be helpful to think of that as additional info as to why YOU don't want him. If you call him to say "Hi" and he doesn't respond, then more info as to why you don't want him.

 

If you lay your cards on the table and talk to him, then it doesn't diminish you at all. His response or lack of one, will give you more info.

 

But, if you feel you have all the info you need to decide he's not for you, then don't call him. Don't chase him. In my experience, the guys I had to chase were the worst relationships I ever had. The dynamic plays over and over again.

 

Better to have a clearly interested guy who communicates well from the beginning.

 

....

 

It's better to move on. Then when he starts to wonder and calls you in a few months, you can answer the phone and blow him off by immediately getting off the phone and then never answering any future calls....except with a text that reads "please stop calling me."

 

By then you will be spending time with a wonderful guy who will make you forget why you were so upset by a guy who failed to show the adoration you deserve!

 

The bolded portions really resonated with me. I think the "more info" is what I'm looking for. I don't feel as though I have enough information at this point to truly walk away and close the door. Yes, he hasn't called (yet?). To some, that's reason enough to write him off right now, particularly in light of how his diminished contact has made me feel. However, so far that's really the only thing he's done "wrong," and there are several factors that may account for why he hasn't been in contact as much as before.

 

I'm not really looking for an answer - a "why???" won't get any sort of response I'd want. But a simple "Hey, what's new?" kinda call couldn't hurt...could it? Like you said, his response (if any) will give me more info upon which to know whether or not to close the door.

 

But I want to be clear here that I refuse to chase - I know all too well how those relationships end up. My experience in that regard is similar to yours.

 

I know my wishy-washyness is going to piss off some - particularly TTSP - but I'm really indecisive about stuff like this.

[DanielMadr]

For petes sake just call him or email him indicating you have some spare time. He wont contact you if he thinks you dont want him to.

 

In my world...two calls, two invitations and when there is no counter offer or action I walk. Talk is cheap and Im no telephone operator. Girls who show low interest or no courage are pain in the azz in the long term anyway.

Am I not patient? Maybe but there is difference between patience and sitting on broken glass waiting for nothing. You should adopt that too.

[nicki]

Star, I'm the same way about needing all the info before making decisions. I look at everything as information and feedback. That's why we analyze all these little points -- to interpret information.

 

And you need some more before you decide what to do. You want to make sure you are clear. So don't worry about it. Just keep collecting info until you have enough to feel satisfied.

 

Daniel is right. Just call the guy and see if he is up for seeing you. If not, you've got info. If so, you've got info. See? It's all good. And that goes for talking to him to if this pattern of no calling continues. Don't worry about looking bad.

 

Laying your cards on the table and being willing to walk if the conditions aren't favorable show that you are a strong woman. It's only when we women whine and stay when it's bad for us that we betray our insecurity.

 

Anyway, I would imagine fighting forest fires can be pretty time consuming. I wouldn't sweat it until he is home and has no excuse for not calling you.

 

Maybe do send him that text about hoping he is safe and that the fire will be put out soon.

 

I think you are thoughtful and not at all wishy-washy. You are just thinking through the situation, looking for the reality.

[Sheba]

Perhaps everyone is over-analyzing the situation and too concerned about pride. Maybe the simple answer is the right one. How about a message or text that says: "I haven't heard from you in days. What is up?"???

[Lishy]

Or how about realising that if he was interested you would not be able to get him off the phone!

 

The basic truth is that if a guy is 'into' you, nothing will stop him contacting you!

[sb129]

I think Nicki and Daniel have made some great points.

 

Laying your cards on the table and being willing to walk if the conditions aren't favorable show that you are a strong woman. It's only when we women whine and stay when it's bad for us that we betray our insecurity.

 

This is so true.

 

I have been in your situation before SG, and being me, I got so impatient I ended up making contact. Not necessarily laid my cards ALL on the table, but made a "whats up" kind of call to test the water, and reassess the situation.

 

Both times, it didn't work out. But at least I knew, and could put the agonising to bed.

[green-eyed beauty]

If he has been fighting fires for 9 days then he is probably really 'burnt' out from that. That has to be draining in every way. Maybe he is going to resume his contact with you when the fire situation has calmed down.

[oppath]

Worst case scenarios rarely happen, so the likelihood of him thinking "oh my god this girl is so pathetic move on already" is SLIM. Most likely, if she called and expressed concern about his safety and the fires, and casually said "I'm surprised not to have heard from you, I wonder if you are ok or if something happend" he'd just think "she's a sweet girl, I need to man up and gently tell her I'm not interested in a relationship" or "oh ****, she's right, I've been fighting fires and have put her on the backburner, I'd better light a fire under my own ass or she'll walk."

 

What matters of course it that SG wants a guy who acts like he wants her. She wants a guy who calls, who is thinking about her and vocalizes that to her. That's all that matters.

[Star Gazer]

What matters of course it that SG wants a guy who acts like he wants her. She wants a guy who calls, who is thinking about her and vocalizes that to her. That's all that matters.

 

That's not so bad, is it?

[DanielMadr]

Or how about realising that if he was interested you would not be able to get him off the phone!

 

The basic truth is that if a guy is 'into' you, nothing will stop him contacting you!

 

The basic truth is why should he be interested if there is no feedback? Maybe when he is little kid capable of falling in love with his own imagination

[Sheba]

I worry that there is some small misunderstanding between StarGazer and this man that needs to be resolved.

 

I was in favour of SG writing the "fond farewell" message, but that is because I allowed myself to be convinced that the lack of contact was a sure sign of disinterest.

 

As the thread has progressed, I am less convinced. Furthermore, it seems obvious to me that SG needs to do "something" for her own peace of mind. If she accepts the advice to not contact him, she will be left with lingering doubts. I think she needs to take an active step in resolving those doubts.

 

With this in mind, the "fond farewell" letter seems too melodramatic. How much harm to her pride can come from sending a "what is up" query? If she gets no answer or if she gets a cruel answer, she can quickly write him off as entirely unworthy and give her head a shake and carry on.

[Art_Critic]

If she writes any kind of letter he won't read it the way she would want it read.

 

Guys don't read all that crap ( I say crap lovingly though ) women write in their letters to explain their feelings..

 

We read the first line..look at the direction it is going then read the last line..We then shrug and throw it away..and if we don't throw it away we toss it aside..

[sb129]

That's not so bad, is it?

 

Of course not!

 

IMO, fighting fires etc is all very taxing and all, but it doesn't take that long to send a text.

 

I think sometimes that the advance in communications today is a BAD thing, because we are ALL able to contact and be contacted 24/7, so it is more worrying when people leave more time than you are comfortable with and don't contact you for a while.

 

Gone are the days of one phone in the village!!!!

 

SG, I think contacting him re: Hows it going, saw the fires on TV, hope you are doing OK is perfectly legitimate. You would do that if it was a friend who was a FF right?

 

Then you can take it from there.

[Sheba]

If she writes any kind of letter he won't read it the way she would want it read.

 

I accept that. The men on this thread have said so repeatedly. Hence my revised theory that a short and simple and direct message is better than a long and complicated message with hidden meanings.

 

"I haven't heard from you, what is up?" can't be read too many different ways, can it? I can guess that others will say he will likely read this with a tone of pathos and snicker, but so what? That just means he is a jerk, and SG can get past this uncertainty and move on to fantasizing about foul consequences for him and getting her harddrive examined by the IT guy.

 

 

SG, I think contacting him re: Hows it going, saw the fires on TV, hope you are doing OK is perfectly legitimate. You would do that if it was a friend who was a FF right?

 

 

With respect, I find this sort of message just as transparent as the "what is up" message, but being indirect is therefore MORE likely inspire derision. Why should SG pretend that 11 days have not gone by and that he is just her friend or put on any other mask? I think she should simply ask what is going on and not disguise her query. If the man is an a**hole, he will laugh harder about the pretence, I think.

[sb129]

Sorry, to clarify, I know he isn't a friend and it isn't the same thing.

What I meant was I think contacting him is OK.... I can't see why he would think that was wierd if he has been fighting some high profile fires....if I had a friend involved in stuff who i hadn't heard from for a while, i would call them...

 

I didn't mean say exactly that statement, personally I would say- "haven't heard from you in a while", however I am a very direct person (haven't you noticed? ) and would have no qualms about that whatsoever. Not everyone is like that esp when they are nervous about the response.

 

I meant the fires topic could be an opening statemen/ excuse to call so then she CAN be direct.

[Star Gazer]

I meant the fires topic could be an opening statement/ excuse to call so then she CAN be direct.

 

I think I am going to call him with the fires being the "reason," but then transitioning the conversation into a gentle "what's up?" conversation. However, I'm not sure it's appropriate to call given that he is - after all - fighting fires.

 

Sheba - you're right. I too believe there is some unspoken misunderstanding taking place. Could be trivial and wouldn't have an impact one way or another, but I'd still like to resolve those lingering questions.

 

 

**** BTW, I'm sorry this thread is continuing on for so long. But at the very least I hope it's helping someone else - man or woman - see this type of situation (that happens FAR TOO OFTEN) from many different angles. It's not always as black and white as we'd like it to be. ****

[Sheba]

I wouldn't worry about asking him about the status of the relationship while he is firefighting. That is his job. It is not as if his own home has burned down. I am sure that it is very hard work and I imagine it can be extremely draining, but life doesn't stop while we are working, does it? Besides, you have no intention to traumatize or abuse him, just to find out where he stands.

 

If it matters, your choice to contact him has my full support. I hope it will allow you to get on with life, with him or without him.

 

And, of course, I hope you will be inclined to let us all know the outcome.

[sb129]

I think I am going to call him with the fires being the "reason," but then transitioning the conversation into a gentle "what's up?" conversation. However, I'm not sure it's appropriate to call given that he is - after all - fighting fires.

 

Sheba - you're right. I too believe there is some unspoken misunderstanding taking place. Could be trivial and wouldn't have an impact one way or another, but I'd still like to resolve those lingering questions.

 

 

**** BTW, I'm sorry this thread is continuing on for so long. But at the very least I hope it's helping someone else - man or woman - see this type of situation (that happens FAR TOO OFTEN) from many different angles. It's not always as black and white as we'd like it to be. ****

 

Don't apologise SG, thats what we are here for!

 

If it matters, your choice to contact him has my full support. I hope it will allow you to get on with life, with him or without him.

 

And, of course, I hope you will be inclined to let us all know the outcome.

 

Me too.

[Lishy]

I will take a guess at the outcome

 

Star will ring him and he will chat as normal and be polite and even make her think she was wrong and all is ok ..... then he will just not call her again!

 

I hope I am wrong Star - Let us know and good luck honey!

[Krytellan]

Or how about realising that if he was interested you would not be able to get him off the phone!

 

The basic truth is that if a guy is 'into' you, nothing will stop him contacting you!

 

I totally and absolutely agree. Unfortunately, there are many here who will refuse to accept this because it doesn't fit into the reality they are trying to convince themselves exists.

[sb129]

I totally and absolutely agree. Unfortunately, there are many here who will refuse to accept this because it doesn't fit into the reality they are trying to convince themselves exists.

 

Its not that I refuse to accept it. I think it is highly likely that he is no longer interested. However that doesn't excuse his cowardly behaviour, and he shouldn't be able to get off the hook that easily.

 

If it it was me, I would be very dissatisfied with the way this has turned out.

 

Even if I said to the guy "look, are you interested in having a R with me or not" and he said "well actually, I am really sorry but no no blah blah" at least then I would know for sure, and could move on. If, at this point he said "yes" I would probably say "well its not working for me, because I can't be in a R with someone who thinks its OK to change their tune like that and leave me hanging by not calling for days, so its been nice knowing you " etc etc.

 

Thats just me, and it may sound a little forward or ball breaker-ish, but if a man can't handle that about me then tough cookies. And I have had my share of knock backs, so I know exactly how SG is feeling, but despite the knockbacks of the past, I would still do this, because at the very least its closure.

[Krytellan]

I fail to understand what satisfaction a woman gets from knowing that a guy that slept with them and bailed just simply doesn't care about them. How incredibly satifying can that be. Please, I wanna join that group... where's the line?

 

Why the masochistic needs. It's mind-boggling.