Sheba Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 Stargazer I have followed your story with interest, and sympathy for you. Like the other posters, I don't see how you did anything "wrong" to sleep with him after a month of dating. Whatever the problem is, it is his. I see your need for closure, but the "don't ever contact me again" email does seem laughable. After all, he is NOT contacting you. Don't send it! Why not send a message that is both direct and dignified? I think you need to find words that you will not regret. Something that does not smack of bitterness or inspire disdain. How about something to the effect of :"The lack of contact from you over the past week has troubled me. Naturally I assume you no longer wish to pursue a relationship and though I am somewhat disappointed, I respect your choice. I will continue to think fondly of you and wish you well." If you can re-write the above into less stilted terms and personalize it with some friendly comment related to a past conversation, that would be ideal. I think the message should be: - you didn't call and I know that means something bad - since you aren't saying, I assume things are over between us - I am a nice person and will let you off the hook without whining, sniping or bitterness - I am better than you because I will say "goodbye" in a friendly and gracious manner
Author Star Gazer Posted May 23, 2007 Author Posted May 23, 2007 How about something to the effect of :"The lack of contact from you over the past week has troubled me. Naturally I assume you no longer wish to pursue a relationship and though I am somewhat disappointed, I respect your choice. I will continue to think fondly of you and wish you well." If you can re-write the above into less stilted terms and personalize it with some friendly comment related to a past conversation, that would be ideal. I think the message should be: - you didn't call and I know that means something bad - since you aren't saying, I assume things are over between us - I am a nice person and will let you off the hook without whining, sniping or bitterness - I am better than you because I will say "goodbye" in a friendly and gracious manner Sheba - thanks. After about 4,000 drafts that actually is pretty much what I have written, I just haven't sent it yet. I think you guys are making a bigger deal out of the "please don't contact me" bit (I wasn't going to say "ever again" - obviously he's not contacting me! I just meant please DON'T pop up someday after reading my message). I want closure while maintaining my dignity. I want him to know this is MY choice, not his. Remaining silent isn't going to achieve that goal.
tanbark813 Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 I want closure while maintaining my dignity. Yeah, but if you send a "please stop contacting me" message, that's not what is going to happen.
Sheba Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 I see your point about making it clear that YOU are deciding and I completely understand your need to send a message that finalizes things. How about saying "... though I am somewhat disappointed, please consider this a fond farewell. I will continue to wish you well." You want to get in the "first goodbye" quite explicitly, I think.
Author Star Gazer Posted May 23, 2007 Author Posted May 23, 2007 Stargazer, Forgive me and ignore this post if I am off mark (I'm working off a fading memory) but if I recall correctly you did not (initially at least) invite the guy to your birthday despite a number of rather obvious hints on his part and despite a previous big declaration of romantic interest from him. I have to say that the reasons you proffered for not inviting him sounded a bit avoidant and hollow. That said, a balanced guy would not have made a big deal of it, he would have looked past it and continued to pursue you in a positive way. However because this one seems so negative, your initial lack of 'enthusiasm' or directness in explaining to him your reasons (from his viewpoint) may have been what killed his feelings and let his negativity take over. (I mention all this because it may be an explanation for what has happened. Please do not construe it as me suggesting you did anything 'wrong'.) Mmmm, yeeeaahhhh, I really don't think my birthday had anything to do with it. I also don't think that my reasons for not inviting him were avoidant or shallow. He had told me several times that his new schedule required him to work Thurs-Sat, my party was on Friday. So, because I knew that he had to work that night, I decided to make it a 'girls night' thing where no guys were allowed at all. I realized maybe the lack of invitation despite that might have hurt his feelings, so I DID invite him. He politely declined, saying it would be fun but that he couldn't get out of work. He's since seen the pictures of the event on my MySpace (where I honestly look better than I ever have ever in life). However, I've also since realized that his MISperception that I don't like NASCAR (which he loves) and find the distance/schedule cumbersome may have made me seriously rethink whether 'this' is worth pursuing. He's fighting a fire right now that's on the news, and I can't help but think of him. Ugh.
Author Star Gazer Posted May 23, 2007 Author Posted May 23, 2007 Yeah, but if you send a "please stop contacting me" message, that's not what is going to happen. Tan, you're not paying attention. I'm not going to say "please STOP contacting me" or "please don't contact me ANYMORE" or "please don't contact me EVER AGAIN." Those statements obviously imply that he's been contacting me to begin with. I want to say "please don't contact me." (end of sentence) There is a BIG difference. I want him to know that upon reading my message, if he has a change of heart/wants to talk, to NOT contact me. Too bad, so sad. I don't want to hear his B.S. I just don't want to say it that meanly.
Sheba Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 Can I sell you on: ".....fond farewell. I am sorry to say that I prefer no further contact between us and I hope you will understand and respect my wishes. I will continue to wish you well." ???
tanbark813 Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 Tan, you're not paying attention. I'm not going to say "please STOP contacting me" or "please don't contact me ANYMORE" or "please don't contact me EVER AGAIN." Those statements obviously imply that he's been contacting me to begin with. I want to say "please don't contact me." (end of sentence) There is a BIG difference. I want him to know that upon reading my message, if he has a change of heart/wants to talk, to NOT contact me. Too bad, so sad. I don't want to hear his B.S. I just don't want to say it that meanly. No, YOU'RE not paying attention. The effect of all those phrasings will come across as lame and transparent. Not to be harsh but if you haven't heard from him in a week he's not going to suddenly have a change of heart. That's just how guys operate.
Art_Critic Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 Not meaning to sound harsh and I'm sorry if I do... By you contacting him in this method being that there never was a relationship then all you will do is cement in his mind all the reasons why he rejected you in the first place. If you don't send the letter then those reasons are not cemented in his mind and may become fluid in time. SG.. please don't send him anything.. he hurt you.. he knows this.. if there is any communication from now on let it come from him and not from you.
Sheba Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 This isn't about him and what he thinks. This is about SG's need to shut the door rather than have it remain virtually open.
Art_Critic Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 This isn't about him and what he thinks. This is about SG's need to shut the door rather than have it remain virtually open. The problem is that she has already tried to shut the door.. the door keeps reopening.. So if the past is a predictor of the future then this letter will not provide any closure and will drive her up the wall even further. Closure comes from within and not from someone else other than yourself. but.. I have been where SG is and I did whatever it took to get my closure.. self respect be damned.. So my advice wasn't meant to be a judgment of her but advice to help her save her self respect
Author Star Gazer Posted May 23, 2007 Author Posted May 23, 2007 Can I sell you on: ".....fond farewell. I am sorry to say that I prefer no further contact between us and I hope you will understand and respect my wishes. I will continue to wish you well." ??? Sure, that works.
Author Star Gazer Posted May 23, 2007 Author Posted May 23, 2007 No, YOU'RE not paying attention. The effect of all those phrasings will come across as lame and transparent. Not to be harsh but if you haven't heard from him in a week he's not going to suddenly have a change of heart. That's just how guys operate. I don't care if he has a change of heart. I just want him to know that I chose to walk away and am closing the door on this. If you don't send the letter then those reasons are not cemented in his mind and may become fluid in time. SG.. please don't send him anything.. he hurt you.. he knows this.. if there is any communication from now on let it come from him and not from you. I don't want those 'reasons' to become fluid. That's exactly my point. And I don't want any future communication from him. The problem is that she has already tried to shut the door.. How?? By repeatedly texting him?? Waiting by the phone?? This isn't about him and what he thinks. This is about SG's need to shut the door rather than have it remain virtually open. EXACTLY. I don't give a rat's a$$ if he thinks "neener neener, I ended it first! She's lame! Muuhahahahaa!" I don't care. I want the door SHUT. The only way I can get that door closed is if I do it myself.
Art_Critic Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 I don't want those 'reasons' to become fluid. That's exactly my point. And I don't want any future communication from him. ahhhh.. got it.... I thought maybe you were still trying to get his interest back.... toast him then...
Art_Critic Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 I will say though that "silence speaks the loudest" I have been on the receiving end of silence that was created by the other person shutting the door.... it was deafening
serial muse Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 But Star, I agree with Art that you can close it yourself without ever contacting him again. The only closure that matters is the one in your mind. I mean, I've been there and sent that final note and felt satisfied and "done"...for about an hour or so. After that, I generally wanted to snatch it back and preserve dignified silence for all time. Oh well. You asked earlier if you'd wig out after sending a note, and I think the answer is a resounding yes, you will. I know the urge to tell him off in a dignified, regal way is really strong, but it just never comes across the way you want it to. I mean, here you are agonizing over what words to say, but honestly, he'll see only that you're contacting him, and his reaction will be to that. But what will you get out of it, aside from the last word? Is that really what you want? It seems like what you truly want is just to feel better and more in control of the situation. I emphathize, and I have been guilty of finalish "go away" emails too. But it's only long afterward, when I really do feel calm and in control in my own mind - where it counts - that I realize how unnecessary that was, and how it just delayed my feeling of self-control. Because despite saying "go away forever," part of me secretly wanted a reply, even just an angry one. I wanted to know I'd struck home, and I waited for it. Sometimes it came, sometimes it didn't. BUt all it ever did was prolong the inevitable, which is that you just...stop communicating at some point. Unsatisfactorily. This may not dissuade you from replying - it might not have worked on me either - but think of it this way: You can preserve both dignity and mystery, and achieve finality, all at once, by simply saying nothing at all. And like Art also said - when you're on the receiving end of it, utter silence is deafening.
Author Star Gazer Posted May 23, 2007 Author Posted May 23, 2007 I will say though that "silence speaks the loudest" I have been on the receiving end of silence that was created by the other person shutting the door.... it was deafening How did she shut it? Just by disappearing? Or telling you?
Art_Critic Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 How did she shut it? Just by disappearing? Or telling you? By totally just disappearing..in the beginning she talked with me.. I think just to get her closure then she shut the door.. Utter and complete silence to any email,text,phone... anything I tried.. the silence made me try harder and in the end it drove me up the wall.. I never heard from her again and if I did try to get back in touch with her it was met with more silence.. So I moved on to someone that wanted to be in my life..
Krytellan Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 Star, you can make this all sound as therapeutic and needed as you like. When it's all over, and he does not respond to the note in the way you deep down would like him to (come running back to you sobbing apologies), you are going to be even more hurt. It's going to re-open the wound. I truly wish, more than any opinion I have ever expressed on LS, that you would not do this. I just can't help but feel embarassed by it, and I'm not even the one doing it.
Author Star Gazer Posted May 23, 2007 Author Posted May 23, 2007 I truly wish, more than any opinion I have ever expressed on LS, that you would not do this. Ok, I won't.
Sheba Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 I don't know about Stargazer, but if it were me, I would get some satisfaction knowing that: A. If he never called me again, my last words to him would be civil and friendly and somewhat dismissive; AND B. If he did call me again, I could say "I asked you not to call me and I meant it". Especially B.
Author Star Gazer Posted May 23, 2007 Author Posted May 23, 2007 I don't know about Stargazer, but if it were me, I would get some satisfaction knowing that: A. If he never called me again, my last words to him would be civil and friendly and somewhat dismissive; AND B. If he did call me again, I could say "I asked you not to call me and I meant it". Especially B. That's exactly how I feel. I want that satisfaction. Perhaps it's a little immature, but that's how I feel right now.
Lishy Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 HOOOOOOOOORAYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!! Star honey you are hearing us at last! Whatever you mail him will sound wrong wrong wrong AND I have done the self same thing and I was answered with SILENCE - It made me feel great when it sent and then 100 times worse after a few hours! You have made the right decision to ignore him and forget that silly idea! I am not being mean I just know how you will feel after you send anything and it is worse than you are feeling now I look back with embarresment at that email!
Lishy Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 That's exactly how I feel. I want that satisfaction. Perhaps it's a little immature, but that's how I feel right now. TRUST ME babe - You won't feel satisfied after you send him a message - You will feel terrible! You want answers and I am afraid he is not man enough to give them!!
tanbark813 Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 That's exactly how I feel. I want that satisfaction. Perhaps it's a little immature, but that's how I feel right now. If you want satisfaction then s**t in his fire helmet.
Recommended Posts