fray718 Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 Seriously though, don't get me wrong. He's still on my mind, like allllll the time. It's annoying. Hang in there SG, I've been there and currently I'm going through the same thing (per my last 3 threads). I dont know what's worse...the whole non-responsive act or the disappearing act. My guy pulled the disappearing act on me and it hurts like crazy
tanbark813 Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 If he knows he's not interested then there's nothing you can do to win him over. I told the f**kbuddy I had for about 6 months that I wasn't interested in anything serious but she still tried to elevate things to more than FWB. I would respond to calls/texts from her but never really pursued her. She initiated most, if not all, of us hanging out And, well, I wasn't going to turn down sex from her while I was single.
Author Star Gazer Posted May 22, 2007 Author Posted May 22, 2007 If he knows he's not interested then there's nothing you can do to win him over. Well, Tanny - what makes a guy pull that hold/cold thing? I mean, when he's hot he's interested...right? So what causes that sudden change? What makes him go cold so suddenly?
green-eyed beauty Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 the thing about this is that before she was intimate with him, he was pursuing StarGazer as if he DID want a relationship. So I don't think that is really fair of him to change after that. It's almost like he put on an act to woo her then "poof" he's gone.
Author Star Gazer Posted May 22, 2007 Author Posted May 22, 2007 the thing about this is that before she was intimate with him, he was pursuing StarGazer as if he DID want a relationship. So I don't think that is really fair of him to change after that. It's almost like he put on an act to woo her then "poof" he's gone. You couldn't be more accurate.
tanbark813 Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 Well, Tanny - what makes a guy pull that hold/cold thing? I mean, when he's hot he's interested...right? So what causes that sudden change? What makes him go cold so suddenly? I don't know. There have been times when I've slept with a girl and couldn't wait for her to get out of my apartment the next day. Those girls I never ended up pursuing. It's kind of f**ked up but it's true. And it had nothing to do with when we slept together, it was usually just something about them that made me not interested (i.e., personality, character, whatever). Nobody here can tell you his exact reason and you're going to drive yourself crazy wondering what it is. If it really bothers you so much I think you should just call the guy up and address the issue if for nothing else than a little piece of mind. the thing about this is that before she was intimate with him, he was pursuing StarGazer as if he DID want a relationship. So I don't think that is really fair of him to change after that. It's almost like he put on an act to woo her then "poof" he's gone. Well yes but keep in mind that we only know what S_G has posted here and it's possible she misinterpreted his intentions or level of pursuit. (Nothing personal against you, S_G, you know I still think you're the kitten's mittens. )
Author Star Gazer Posted May 22, 2007 Author Posted May 22, 2007 Well yes but keep in mind that we only know what S_G has posted here and it's possible she misinterpreted his intentions or level of pursuit. (Nothing personal against you, S_G, you know I still think you're the kitten's mittens. ) His intentions were clear. He must have changed his mind. I hope he didn't feel the same way you did about wanting to get me outta there ASAP. However, I can at least tell you that he pursued me more than any other guy ever has, and made it clear that he wanted "something/someone meaningful in his life, and believed I had all the qualities needed to be that someone." (His words.) He further said he wasn't a player, found no satisfaction in casual sex, and had a lot of love to give the right girl.
tanbark813 Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 His intentions were clear. He must have changed his mind. I hope he didn't feel the same way you did about wanting to get me outta there ASAP. However, I can at least tell you that he pursued me more than any other guy ever has, and made it clear that he wanted "something/someone meaningful in his life, and believed I had all the qualities needed to be that someone." (His words.) He further said he wasn't a player, found no satisfaction in casual sex, and had a lot of love to give the right girl. Actions speak louder than words.
Author Star Gazer Posted May 22, 2007 Author Posted May 22, 2007 Touche. We are exactly 3,000 posts apart. Well, not anymore.
Author Star Gazer Posted May 23, 2007 Author Posted May 23, 2007 And it had nothing to do with when we slept together, it was usually just something about them that made me not interested (i.e., personality, character, whatever). Eeeeeek. I just read that part. So it WAS something about ME. (Why isn't there a sad-smiley that has TEARS?)
dropdeadlegs Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 Eeeeeek. I just read that part. So it WAS something about ME. (Why isn't there a sad-smiley that has TEARS?) Even if it WAS something about you, that same something will be endearing and loved and deemed perfect by the right guy, and he's out there somewhere.
This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 If he doesn't want to be with me, he doesn't want to be with me. Nothing I can do about that, and I DO deserve the guy who's going to call the next day...and the next...and the next. I wish the situation were different, but it's not. I'm not completely closing the door on him, it's still open a smudge, but HE is gonna have to be the one to knock on it. Attagirl, SG. I'm so glad that's the approach you're taking. You can leave the door open a slight bit if you want. But don't let that be your excuse to yourself. Just be careful it doesn't turn into your "last hope left". You'll be fine. Think about all all the future pain you've avoided by avoiding the guy with the avoidant personality.
oppath Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 SG, you're one of my favorite posters and I adore you. Someone will love everything about you.
This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 Well, Tanny - what makes a guy pull that hold/cold thing? I mean, when he's hot he's interested...right? So what causes that sudden change? What makes him go cold so suddenly? We wish we could have the answers, don't we. But we don't. Nobody but the guy knows for sure why he did what he did. SG, I understand that he's still on your mind all the time. You know something that might help? Write it all down somewhere. In an email to yourself. You can rave, rant, and cuss at him all you want. You can put all your doubts and bewilderment in there. You've been posting everything on the forum, but it turns into a cyclical discussion of sorts. Once minute you're sad and pining away for him, hoping he;ll be back somehow. And the next minute you're angry and resentful, and are ready to kick his sorry ass. When you write it all, put a conclusion to the story. That will be the end of it, and you will not modify it. That's the best closure you can get. And yeah - I can tell you this much: The guy was seriously not worth it.
dropdeadlegs Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 We wish we could have the answers, don't we. But we don't. Nobody but the guy knows for sure why he did what he did. SG, I understand that he's still on your mind all the time. You know something that might help? Write it all down somewhere. In an email to yourself. You can rave, rant, and cuss at him all you want. You can put all your doubts and bewilderment in there. You've been posting everything on the forum, but it turns into a cyclical discussion of sorts. Once minute you're sad and pining away for him, hoping he;ll be back somehow. And the next minute you're angry and resentful, and are ready to kick his sorry ass. When you write it all, put a conclusion to the story. That will be the end of it, and you will not modify it. That's the best closure you can get. And yeah - I can tell you this much: The guy was seriously not worth it. I find writing it all down to be very therapeutic. It gets the feelings out of me in a safe way.
This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 I find writing it all down to be very therapeutic. It gets the feelings out of me in a safe way. Yes, I've done that myself and it helped me a bit. Although what helped me the most was talking to a friend in real life. I tend to be so secretive and bottle up everything, good and bad. I don't tell anyone what's going on in my life. So it helped when I talked it all out in the open. And this "therapist" didn't even charge me for her time, the angel that she is.
Author Star Gazer Posted May 23, 2007 Author Posted May 23, 2007 TTSP: I have written him 4 letters over the past week, ain't that funny! Each time I go back and read the previous one, I think, "Holy sh*t, thank baby Jesus I didn't send him THAT!!!" Hahaha!! Getting it all out has been very therapuetic. I just keep having these relapses... I've been speaking with so many 'real life' people about this situation, it's ridiculous. Oddly enough, my girlfriends just sit there and nod and say things like "Ugh, men, they are so complicated!!" (That does me no good.) Interestingly, most of the people giving me the best advice have been MEN. Anyway, each of these guys have given me the same opinion: he's not worth it, I deserve more, and I need to sever all ties. One is my old FWB (who I will likely return to - hahaha!). He made me laugh when he said, "Well, OBVIOUSLY he's a nut job if he took off after the first time. It only gets better!!" [Even my FWB calls the next day, despite the very clear understanding that he doesn't have to.] Another is my ex of last year who I wrote about previously. Ripped my heart out. He wants to see me happy, and knows that I am not right now. He sees a lot of himself in this guy, and knows he's not capable of being anywhere near "worth" my tears. I have another ex who's one of my best friends - he's one of the most awesome dudes in the entire world (we broke up for a lack of chemistry, but we get along famously and really understand one another). I just spent an hour crying into his ear. He basically convinced me to send my guy an email saying, "I had a great time with you, but this is not what I want for myself. I wish you the best, but please do not contact me." I think have to send it, because otherwise I won't have any closure for myself. This way, it's MY decision, and really does END it. What do you think? Will I wig out as soon as I hit "send"?
This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 TTSP: I have written him 4 letters over the past week, ain't that funny! Each time I go back and read the previous one, I think, "Holy sh*t, thank baby Jesus I didn't send him THAT!!!" Hahaha!! Getting it all out has been very therapuetic. I just keep having these relapses... It's perfectly okay to have relapses. It doesn't end after writing just one note to yourself. I still have about two pages in my inbox filled with emails from myself to myself. Writing is a way to channel your thoughts and give them some outlet, and you can use this channel as many times as you want. I've been speaking with so many 'real life' people about this situation, it's ridiculous. Oddly enough, my girlfriends just sit there and nod and say things like "Ugh, men, they are so complicated!!" (That does me no good.) Interestingly, most of the people giving me the best advice have been MEN. Anyway, each of these guys have given me the same opinion: he's not worth it, I deserve more, and I need to sever all ties. Hmm. Maybe you don't need to speak to a lot of people about this. I have a friend who does this often...when she's upset with some guy, the whole world has heard all about it before the day is out . Not saying that you're doing anything wrong...but try to keep your conversations to one or two people at the most. That way, you'll have something else to talk about with other people, and that will distract your mind from this. And yes, pick your listeners carefully. Often, all they can actually do is nod and say "that's awful". But some will actually mean it when they say it. He basically convinced me to send my guy an email saying, "I had a great time with you, but this is not what I want for myself. I wish you the best, but please do not contact me." I think have to send it, because otherwise I won't have any closure for myself. This way, it's MY decision, and really does END it. What do you think? Will I wig out as soon as I hit "send"? No, please do NOT do that. When you write "please do not contact me", he'll probably think to himself, "But I am not contacting you anyway!" You'll be left feeling worse when you send that, and he STILL doesn't reply. You'll keep second guessing the propriety of your action...and one day you'll end up sending another email, just to make sure he got your message in the first one. No, don't even think about it. You'll feel worse. Right now, you have your dignity left, don't sell it off. Why should he even get to see that you're still upset because of all this?
Trialbyfire Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 If you feel the need to send it off, do it but only after another day or week of thought. Sometimes it helps to empower and other times it only starts a bitter cyle of mutual recriminations.
dropdeadlegs Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 If there is a possibility of panicking after hitting "send" I wouldn't do it. Some of the best advice I ever got was "when you're not sure what to do, don't do anything until you ARE sure." Plus that part TTSP said about the fact he already isn't contacting you.
tanbark813 Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 He basically convinced me to send my guy an email saying, "I had a great time with you, but this is not what I want for myself. I wish you the best, but please do not contact me." I think have to send it, because otherwise I won't have any closure for myself. This way, it's MY decision, and really does END it. What do you think? Will I wig out as soon as I hit "send"? I agree with the others: don't send that. It will come across as transparent and lame. If you really need closure then just call him up and ask why he hasn't called you. IMO, you'd get more respect from a guy just being straightforward.
Author Star Gazer Posted May 23, 2007 Author Posted May 23, 2007 I'm not trying to get his respect. I'm trying to close this so I can move on.
Tenorman Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 Stargazer, Forgive me and ignore this post if I am off mark (I'm working off a fading memory) but if I recall correctly you did not (initially at least) invite the guy to your birthday despite a number of rather obvious hints on his part and despite a previous big declaration of romantic interest from him. I have to say that the reasons you proffered for not inviting him sounded a bit avoidant and hollow. That said, a balanced guy would not have made a big deal of it, he would have looked past it and continued to pursue you in a positive way. However because this one seems so negative, your initial lack of 'enthusiasm' or directness in explaining to him your reasons (from his viewpoint) may have been what killed his feelings and let his negativity take over. (I mention all this because it may be an explanation for what has happened. Please do not construe it as me suggesting you did anything 'wrong'.) Even if you could get his interest back, do you want to have to deal with this degree of negativity? If so, I suspect you would have to literally move a mountain first to even possibly regain his interest and then the same problem is likely to arise again in a different context at a later stage and you will have to move yet another mountain to prove yourself to him. I wouldn't send that email because I don't think it is accurate or nearly as insightful as your posts here. If you have to email him then try to be 'braver' in saying what you really feel, mean and want (which is no easy task and which has no guarantee of a positive response). I'm not sure if what I have said helps. All I can add is that I don't think you should blame yourself for what happened and it would be probably more fruitful for you to look out for a more positive guy.
Krytellan Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 Star, please jsut don't "do" anything. There is no point when someone doesn't care. You have a lot to feel, but don't do anything.
Lishy Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 Dont send him diddly squat!!!!!!!!!! send him nothing,nadda, zilch!!!!!!!!! It is what he deserves Star and to be honest babe if you send him any email at all you will be embarressing yourself and putting your feelings on the floor for him to wipe his feet on! Dont do it girlfriend!
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