green-eyed beauty Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 I think that there is a way to regain his interest, it's not a sure thing but there is a chance. Don't call him or send him any "just saying hi" texts right now. I think your best bet is getting together with him casually. Something like lunch or dinner (but not a romantic fancy one) would be perfect, a drink after work would do as well, just don't let the booze speak or act for you. I'm not sure if you share any mutual friends with this FF but if you do this is easy, just get one of the mutual friends to get a lunch together so you can see him. If not it's a bit harder because you'll have to initiate contact. If you have the guts, when you're ready to call him and casually say "hey wanna grab lunch at (name of whatever chill little eatery you chose here)? Hopefully he'll agree and you can see him. This is your reason to charm him back and remind him why he was interested at first. Just act like you did when you first started seeing him, happy fun and all that good stuff. Don't bring up anything about what's going on between you two, unless he says something. Keep the meeting short and sweet, be happy to see him and show him that you're a no pressure chick and that he should be glad to see you again. Disagree. The ball's in his court. If he's interested, he will call. If not, he won't. He should suggest getting together next time.
allina Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 Disagree. The ball's in his court. If he's interested, he will call. If not, he won't. He should suggest getting together next time. Ok, your right to disagree, and what you said above is true. Thing is, he isn't calling and she wants to DO something to get him back. This relationship was just starting out so it's not like he's going to not see her for a whole month then suddenly realize he misses her, he'll move on and forget it. At this point I feel like she has nothing to lose so it's worth a try. Plus it's happened to me before and I got the ball back in my court.
Author Star Gazer Posted May 21, 2007 Author Posted May 21, 2007 Allina - did this work for you previously?? My problem is that we're an hour-and-a-half apart, so a quick/casual lunch meeting is really difficult. And we don't have any mutual friends.
dropdeadlegs Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 Star Gazer, I truly believe that I know how you are feeling and thinking. What I would do and what I suggest are two different things. I never would have made it this long without contacting him about his withdrawal. I would have called and put my cards on the table and pretty much demanded an explanation. I think I've said that I like clear cut messages, even when painful, as opposed to wondering, questioning, and lingering doubt. In almost every instance this has resulted negatively, but I knew exactly where I stood. I never wondered "what if?" because I had my hat handed to me and was clearly shown the door. In reality, it took the words, not the actions, to make me see what was already clear. I would suggest letting it go. No contact from you unless he initiates it, and than play it very carefully. You do not want to be a booty call and are deserving of so much more. As for formulas on regaining his interest, I don't think there are any. Interest is either there or it isn't and I don't think you did anything wrong or inappropriate along the way. I guess at the risk of seeming condescending you could try a magic love spell, but I wouldn't place much stock in that. I know, I deserve a for that one, but I think if someone else were posting about your dilemma, you would be rolling your eyes, too. You shoot from the hip and don't mince words, and I like that about you. I am truly sorry that you are agonizing over this, I wish I could give you some peace.
allina Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 Allina - did this work for you previously?? My problem is that we're an hour-and-a-half apart, so a quick/casual lunch meeting is really difficult. And we don't have any mutual friends. I suggested the above because you said that though you know people would say to let it go and that you deserve better you wanted to try something, and I do think this is the best bet. Yes a similar plan worked for me. It was slightly different but same idea. It was almost two years ago. I became close with one of my friends husbands friends. He seemed really in to me and I quickly became interested. After hanging out/talking for a couple weeks we got together one on one for the first time at his house. We didn't sleep together but ended up making out a ton and stuff. After this I didn't hear from him except for one voicemail about this event we were all supposed to go to. It was clear that the tables turned and that while I gained more interest he lost it. After almost 2 weeks with nothing I ended up going to a small dinner party with the mutual friends where he was as well. I had previous plans but decided to go for a bit just to see him, see what;s up and see if I was even still interested. I showed up looking good and happy. I didn't say anything like "why haven't you called" just said hi and acted sweet yet casual. I talked to him but kept it simple (sort of like when we were first getting to know each other, when he was acting super interested) He ended up asking why I was leaving early, I said I had plans, he asked if he could see me again soon, I said sure, he called me later that night. It was like reminding the guy why he was interested in the first place. I ended up dating this guy for 2 months then decided it wasn't what I wanted, but I do feel like I was able to recapture his interest. It's tougher in your case with the distance and no mutual friends, so I'm not sure of a solution. I know my idea isn't perfect but if you want to do something it may be worth a try.
Lishy Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 My take is that he is NOT over his ex and he is NOT interested in a relationship with you. Not because u guys had sex or cos you left your toothbrush at his house, but because he is just not interested! I have been where you are right now and it SUCKS! All you want is someone to wave a magic wand and make it all ok or to give some fantastic insight into this guy that will make it all fine - That wont happen honey! Johan is wonderful and fantastic and all things nice BUT ignore his advice and DONT contact him - Whatever you will say he will interpret as Blah Blah Blah! He is not interested at the moment! You have one chance here of relighting his spark in you and that is this ..... Wait for it .... DO NOTHING! Dont call, write, email, text or send carrier pidgeon! If you want any chance of anything with this guy then dont contact him at all - Let him contact you Wait a month and arrange to be in a place that he is in and look THE BEE'S KNEE'S!!!!!!!! Then just say hello and look away. Men love the chace Star, they HATE it when women chase them and snivel about how they thought things were different, they love strong, confident women who know what they want and wont put up with less. I learned this lesson the hard way! DOnt end up as hi f*ck buddy - This will happen if you are not too careful hon!
Author Star Gazer Posted May 21, 2007 Author Posted May 21, 2007 Lihsy - I hear ya. He's not over his ex, and as a result he's not interested in a relationship with me. It's like I had an epiphany over the weekend. I'm bummed (more like disappointed) but I'm okay with it. I had a very long talk with my ex about this actually. He and I are good friends, and can talk openly about anything now. He knows me, and I know him. Anyway, I called my ex because I realized that my ex did the same thing - this distancing technique, while still actively RESPONDING to me (but not initiating). He had made a lot of the same comments or reactions to things involving his ex that my current guy has. My ex openly admitted to me that when he and I were together, he wasn't over her. He wanted to be, but he wasn't. This prevented him from allowing himself to really, truly "be" with me. He felt really guilty about it because he knew my feelings were growing stronger, but he was only growing more and more numb. Since we broke up last year, he's dated many girls, all for about 2-4 weeks, and as soon as he got intimate with them he'd lose all interest. The romantic fairytale dies each time once he comes down off of his love high and realizes they aren't HER and never will be. I do get the feeling that my guy isn't over his most recent ex. The one where he jumped up from the table to stop us from talking about her, his bitter comments, etc. I know he's been hurt. I could wait, but like my ex, I could be waiting forever.....
fray718 Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 Ok, your right to disagree, and what you said above is true. Thing is, he isn't calling and she wants to DO something to get him back. This relationship was just starting out so it's not like he's going to not see her for a whole month then suddenly realize he misses her, he'll move on and forget it. At this point I feel like she has nothing to lose so it's worth a try. Plus it's happened to me before and I got the ball back in my court. im VERY curious as to what happenend. Did he really go back into being interested in started chasing you again? Or did you have to do all the work from then on? And how long did it last? Details much appreciated as Im going through some stuff myself right now.
Lishy Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 The guy who i am talking about ripped me to pieces because he wasnt over his ex! they split 5 yrs ago and he still isnt over her!
allina Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 im VERY curious as to what happenend. Did he really go back into being interested in started chasing you again? Or did you have to do all the work from then on? And how long did it last? Details much appreciated as Im going through some stuff myself right now. I wrote about it in post #30 on page #2. I'm not sure if it was due to my actions but that's how it went.
Author Star Gazer Posted May 21, 2007 Author Posted May 21, 2007 What's amazing to me is that my current guy isn't over his ex, and my ex wasn't either. My current guy and his ex broke up a year ago after an 18 month long-distance relationship. My ex and his ex broke up 5 years ago after a 5 year relationship. I was DEVASTATED when my ex broke up with me. I was absolutely, 100% "over" him within 6 months. But even during those 6 months, I was dating, I was getting out there...nothing would have prevented me from dating someone exclusively, even if I still didn't feel "over" my ex. I don't get it.
fray718 Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 What's amazing to me is that my current guy isn't over his ex, and my ex wasn't either. My current guy and his ex broke up a year ago after an 18 month long-distance relationship. My ex and his ex broke up 5 years ago after a 5 year relationship. I was DEVASTATED when my ex broke up with me. I was absolutely, 100% "over" him within 6 months. But even during those 6 months, I was dating, I was getting out there...nothing would have prevented me from dating someone exclusively, even if I still didn't feel "over" my ex. I don't get it. i think its different depending on the person. Some people just want sex and nothing else because they are afraid to get hurt again or they are just burnt out from their previous relationship and arent ready to dive into another one again. For some, they feel empty and they quickly want someone for a relationship to fill that void. So it really depends but in general I'd say best to avoid guys who are not yet over their exes no matter which type they are.
Krytellan Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 I don't get it. Hey Star. I don't suppose there's anything I can say to get you not to do this is there? You won't be happy with your decision in time. I would love for you to decide this isn't worth your time and is an insult to you as a person.
DanielMadr Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 that is a typical ploy used by players GEB....it makes the intended target feel more "comfortable" and let her guard down....and therefore she gives it up earlier than she would have otherwise. Also it makes the target feel as if she's in "control". I've used it many times myself. You are dangerous I believe they more freak out, because you probably dont want them that much than the control thing. Dont you think?
DanielMadr Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 I once read some information about 'Guys feeling "anger" towards girl after they sleep with her'. These were actual responses of hopeless guys, who didnt know what to think about their emotions rather than some feminazi propaganda, so I believe that eventhough I never experienced it myself. I sort of fall in love with her after that....at least until I leave the building Im not sure they came up with some answers but it is clearly happening. I believe it has something to do with ego protecting (as always) and in most cases 'after lust is fed what is left' syndrome. For the former...make it clear it was not ONS for you. In lhe latter you can do nothing, sorry....only fornicate with hm again, maybe. Take it as pessimistic view. Optimistic view is he was just tired. You were confused, hence he was confused too and so on and so on and it will take some time to settle down the strong emotions and you will be able to date again together. Just try to calm down...not heavy feelings should be flying through tha air. The sex was marvelous wasnt it?
oppath Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 I was DEVASTATED when my ex broke up with me. I was absolutely, 100% "over" him within 6 months. But even during those 6 months, I was dating, I was getting out there...nothing would have prevented me from dating someone exclusively, even if I still didn't feel "over" my ex. I don't get it. Perhaps you could have dated someone exclusively, but you really don't know. You might not have been able to fully give which wouldn't have been fair to the new person if they truly desired a relationship. My ex devastated me and we'll never be friends; I'm dating, but after a couple dates, intimacy or not, I have to bail. I'm a player but I refuse to lead anyone on. Kind of sucks. If you are ready for a relationship, and someone you are dating is not, it's best to let it go early. There are men out there who are ready despite saying they are not! You can tell when the actions match the words.
green-eyed beauty Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 Stargazer, you should apply to be on the next The Bachelor!
Author Star Gazer Posted May 22, 2007 Author Posted May 22, 2007 Stargazer, you should apply to be on the next The Bachelor! Uh, NO. I'd be The BACHELORETTE though!!! And Krytie, I already have already made your decision.
Krytellan Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 And Krytie, I already have already made your decision. Really??? You mean you changed your mind?
Author Star Gazer Posted May 22, 2007 Author Posted May 22, 2007 Really??? You mean you changed your mind? If he doesn't want to be with me, he doesn't want to be with me. Nothing I can do about that, and I DO deserve the guy who's going to call the next day...and the next...and the next. I wish the situation were different, but it's not. I'm not completely closing the door on him, it's still open a smudge, but HE is gonna have to be the one to knock on it.
Krytellan Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 If he doesn't want to be with me, he doesn't want to be with me. Nothing I can do about that, and I DO deserve the guy who's going to call the next day...and the next...and the next. I wish the situation were different, but it's not. I'm not completely closing the door on him, it's still open a smudge, but HE is gonna have to be the one to knock on it. *hugs* I'm so glad to hear that. You will be so happy that you made this decision in the future. You are right on all points, and to accept any less would be a disservice.
sb129 Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 I am glad to hear it too, because I agree with both of the following. Hey Star. I don't suppose there's anything I can say to get you not to do this is there? You won't be happy with your decision in time. I would love for you to decide this isn't worth your time and is an insult to you as a person. If he doesn't want to be with me, he doesn't want to be with me. Nothing I can do about that, and I DO deserve the guy who's going to call the next day...and the next...and the next. I wish the situation were different, but it's not. I'm not completely closing the door on him, it's still open a smudge, but HE is gonna have to be the one to knock on it. Posts 23 and 29 were really good too. I was going to say, before your last post SG, was that you have gone thru an awful week, and who cares what he thinks of you now if you lay all your cards on the table and deman an explanation for his behaviour. You have a right not to be left hanging so you can move on. But I think what you have decided is good. And don't worry about the sex. It takes two to tango. If he really had that much of a problem with sleeping with you, he could have just said no.
fray718 Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 Yea SG I dont think you did anything wrong. I do have one thing I wanna say here (and I'm sure many will disagree) but I do believe that its best to hold off until you and the guy is officially bf/gf before sleeping together. I dont think necesarrily its because the guy will lose interest after sex, but I think that by waiting you will know whether the guy is a player or not (cuz players prob wont wait 2 months just for sex) beforehand. I think its just a good way to weed em out without having to sleep with them first. I think its saves us girls from some of the heartache as it seems to hurt much more after a guy leaves us after sex as opposed to just leaving us.
Lishy Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 I dont mean to be patronising star but well done!!!! I am so proud of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)
Author Star Gazer Posted May 22, 2007 Author Posted May 22, 2007 Seriously though, don't get me wrong. He's still on my mind, like allllll the time. It's annoying.
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