Star Gazer Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 You guys know my situation. Well, he hasn't called - it's been almost a week. I'm back to being upset again, as I've re-read all of our correspondence, texts, thought about conversations, special moments together. I miss him. I want to continue seeing him, but I don't know how to make that happen. I know many of you are convinced it's HIS problem, that's he's a player, that I didn't do anything wrong, etc. Well, I'm not convinced I didn't do anything wrong. I do sincerely think he is a good guy who was looking for a good girl, and my behavior (between hooking up too soon and marking my territory with the darn toothbrush) scared him. However, I still have moments, where I wonder if he is in fact a player... Anyway, seeing as I can't take back what's been done, the only way to be with him - it seems - is to win him over. Regardless of what you might think of his character or what I deserve, this is what I want right now. I really need your help to try and help me get it. So, assuming he IS a player...how do I do that? For those of you who are (or have been) a player, what could a girl do that would win you over? A player's gotta stop playin' someday, right? Well, I want that day to be today. On the other hand, assuming he is NOT a player and I really DID scare him away, how can I fix that and encourage him to come back?? If his interest diminished because of my behavior, is there anything I can do to restore it? I really like this guy, and believe we have an awesome potential. I don't want to f*ck up this one as I have in the past.
Storyrider Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 Aww. I'm sorry SG. This is such a frustrating position. I don't have any great advice, except that maybe if you ignore him and date someone else he might have regrets. Especially if he happens to run into you with another cute guy.
fray718 Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 didnt he call u wed morning to wish you happy bday? its still only sat (3 days since he last called)....i say give it a few more days and see first
Can'tGiveUp Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 Assuming you don't hear from him before...I would wait until Tuesday evening and send him a text. He responded when you have texted him before, gives him an opportunity to think before answering you - whereas a phone call doesn't. Maybe ask if he's free to do lunch or meet for a drink after work later in the week. I say Tuesday because if you leave it until Wed, then you are making it a little close to suggesting a Friday date - which may scare him further if he is already concerned re: toothbrush. You should be able to tell from his response (or lack thereof), if you can regain his attention. If he's a player...I'm not sure what to suggest. Good luck!
green-eyed beauty Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 I read your thread....I do think you may have slept with him too soon because he made the statement that the physical stuff could progress slowly, but you ended up being intimate anyway. However, I know this isn't what you want to hear, but there is no way to "make" someone want to date your or become serious about you. I would not contact him personally. He will contact you if he is interested. I don't think you really did anything "wrong." Also, from the thread, you said he had said bad statements about his ex, such as not wanting to watch a TV show because it reminded him of her...well, it's very possible he is not really over her yet. In that case, there is really nothing you can do because deep inside he is pining over her and doesn't want to let go of that yet. Honestly....date around and live your life and don't worry about him anymore. You can say that you would be a perfect couple and have this great relationship, but it is a two-way street. He has to think that way, also.
alphamale Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 For those of you who are (or have been) a player, what could a girl do that would win you over? from my experience?? nothing...
johan Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 My first serious girlfriend "won me over". I kind of got burnt out on her like your guy did on you and was ready to move on without her. She took it pretty hard, but wrote to me and told me she was ok with how I felt and she was willing to be friends. There was something in how she said it that kind of left me feeling really impressed with her. I don't know the magic formula, and it's hit or miss whether anything you do or say would make a difference. Overall, I think the minimalist approach is the best. If you're going to do anything just let him know that you're still interested and you understand how he feels. Let him know you're ok with it. Don't mention the toothbrush or the sex. Because those things aren't significant. If you want to make it easy for him to come back when he starts wondering about you, then take away the guilt he feels for not feeling as strongly as you. He probably feels bad about how things went, and isn't able to face the fact that he's hurting you. So let him off of that hook. But just do it once, do it sincerely, and then find other things to occupy your mind. Write him off.
oppath Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 I'm a player right now. I finally have enough confidence back after my breakup to get a lot of girls -- not necessarily the ones I want -- but to get attractive girls. I'm in no place in my life for a relationship. Work is pressing. I'm only in town 3-4 more months. I'm not fully over the last relationship. I'll go out with girls a few times, likely sleep with them, and yes, my behavior will probably change. There is nothing they could do to affect that. On the other hand, I try to find out where the woman is before anything physical happens. One girl was clearly looking for a relationship, so I told her straight up it wasn't going to happen with me because of my situation and my ex, and I wanted to not waste her time or make her a rebound, because she wanted and deserved more. I am entering player more. A girl could do nothing to gain or regain my interest, as it isn't really there to begin with other than as a distraction and for sex. This guy isn't necessarily a player. You can't read his mind. You don't know what is going on. You have no idea. Now, he is not consistent and he is not giving you what you want. Remember that. He is not giving you what you want and deserve. Your actions would not scare me off if I were ready for a relationship. They would endear me.
Author Star Gazer Posted May 20, 2007 Author Posted May 20, 2007 didnt he call u wed morning to wish you happy bday? its still only sat (3 days since he last called)....i say give it a few more days and see first Yes, but now I feel as though that was an obligatory phone call.
Author Star Gazer Posted May 20, 2007 Author Posted May 20, 2007 Thanks for your input, Johan. Overall, I think the minimalist approach is the best. If you're going to do anything just let him know that you're still interested and you understand how he feels. Let him know you're ok with it. Don't mention the toothbrush or the sex. Because those things aren't significant. If I don't understand how he feels, how can I let him know that I understand it and I'm okay with it? Should I talk with him first to see where his head is? If you want to make it easy for him to come back when he starts wondering about you, then take away the guilt he feels for not feeling as strongly as you. He probably feels bad about how things went, and isn't able to face the fact that he's hurting you. So let him off of that hook. But just do it once, do it sincerely, and then find other things to occupy your mind. Write him off. How do I let him off the hook? I mean, what do I say?
green-eyed beauty Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 You're not really ok with it, though, the way he's behaving, if that's what you're talking about. Why lie?
Author Star Gazer Posted May 20, 2007 Author Posted May 20, 2007 I'm a player right now. I'll go out with girls a few times, likely sleep with them, and yes, my behavior will probably change. There is nothing they could do to affect that. On the other hand, I try to find out where the woman is before anything physical happens. One girl was clearly looking for a relationship, so I told her straight up it wasn't going to happen with me because of my situation and my ex, and I wanted to not waste her time or make her a rebound, because she wanted and deserved more. This is what separates you (the player) from my guy (who I can't figure out). I made it clear to him that I was looking for a meaningful relationship WITH HIM. For him to proceed to the physical level knowing that and then to disappear...well, to me he'd have to be a malicious a-hole to do that, and given what I know about him I just don't see that as being the case. So what IS IT?!?! This guy isn't necessarily a player. You can't read his mind. You don't know what is going on. You have no idea. Now, he is not consistent and he is not giving you what you want. Remember that. He is not giving you what you want and deserve. Your actions would not scare me off if I were ready for a relationship. They would endear me. You're right - I can't read his mind, and I don't know what is going on. How do I go about figuring that out??
lonelybird Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 Just wait and see? If he wants more with you, he will contact you. That shows his interest for you. If you contact him, you will miss that chance to know if he is interested in you enough?
green-eyed beauty Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 From your original thread, didn't you say he made the comment that you didn't have to rush getting physical right before you did get physical? If a man said that to me, when we were getting hot and heavy, I would have taken that to mean "just because we sleep together doesn't mean I want a relationship." I don't think there's any way to explain his behavior, it probably had nothing to do with the sex. Maybe something in the date happened that night before the sex, that he started thinking you might not be the girl for him, not compatible for some reason. You might not ever know the reasons. If he does call, I don't think you're ever going to get a serious relationship with this guy like you're looking for. His behavior after being intimate with you is demonstrating that he is not really interested.
johan Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 If I don't understand how he feels, how can I let him know that I understand it and I'm okay with it? Should I talk with him first to see where his head is? Here is how he feels: He dug you. You and he built your feelings up until you started a relationship. But then he got what he wanted, and his feelings changed. Now he doesn't feel interested anymore, and the only way to avoid the guilt is to avoid you. It's not you. It's not personal. Women don't understand. It's just a fact of life when dating. And the only way to find out if a guy is going to do this is to go as far as you went with him. It doesn't mean he's a bad guy. It's just how his feelings went, and it's not something you can control. He can't control it either. The toothbrush doesn't mean anything. You waited a month to go to bed with him, which I think is longer than usual. If this isn't exactly how he feels, it doesn't matter. Just figure I'm right, because I probably am. How do I let him off the hook? I mean, what do I say? Just let him know that you know how he feels, and you understand these things happen sometimes. You'd still be willing to spend time with him, if he's up for it. Show your wisdom. Don't tell him much about your feelings for him. That will just bring on the guilt and keep him from feeling comfortable contacting you anymore. The only risk you run is that he'll contact you when he's horny. You have to watch out for that. The message should not be "it's ok for you to come around and use me whenever you want". It should be something more like "I saw some things in you that I like. I'm willing to spend time with you, if you want." You should only say that if you mean it. If you think you can't handle being platonic with him and keeping a lid on your stronger feelings, then don't contact him at all. Even "players" aren't bad guys, necessarily. They aren't out to hurt anyone. They are just selfish.
Author Star Gazer Posted May 20, 2007 Author Posted May 20, 2007 From your original thread, didn't you say he made the comment that you didn't have to rush getting physical right before you did get physical? If a man said that to me, when we were getting hot and heavy, I would have taken that to mean "just because we sleep together doesn't mean I want a relationship." The day before our last date, I made a flirty comment to him about not wanting to move quickly physically, but hoping it didn't take long for us to reach that point either. He agreed and said there's no rush to get physical, but that he was looking forward to it if it happened. So, I'm not sure I follow your reasoning.
green-eyed beauty Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 My reasoning is he said "there's no rush to get physical." To me, that would have been a cue for me to hold off on sex for a while.
alphamale Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 My reasoning is he said "there's no rush to get physical." that is a typical ploy used by players GEB....it makes the intended target feel more "comfortable" and let her guard down....and therefore she gives it up earlier than she would have otherwise. Also it makes the target feel as if she's in "control". I've used it many times myself.
Author Star Gazer Posted May 20, 2007 Author Posted May 20, 2007 Johan, again, thanks for your input. It's been very helpful. Here is how he feels: He dug you. You and he built your feelings up until you started a relationship. But then he got what he wanted, and his feelings changed. Now he doesn't feel interested anymore, and the only way to avoid the guilt is to avoid you. I think the above is right. The irony is that the "morning after" I felt differently about him in the sense I had some doubts - moments where I thought, "eh, I don't like X, I don't like Z..." but I got over those thoughts on the drive home. And I obviously don't want him to avoid me... Just let him know that you know how he feels, and you understand these things happen sometimes. You'd still be willing to spend time with him, if he's up for it. Show your wisdom. Don't tell him much about your feelings for him. That will just bring on the guilt and keep him from feeling comfortable contacting you anymore. The message should not be "it's ok for you to come around and use me whenever you want". It should be something more like "I saw some things in you that I like. I'm willing to spend time with you, if you want." What I want to do is contact him - like next week or something - and say something very similar to what you've suggested, but to include the sex issue. At the very least, I need to get it off my chest. That way, if he responds negatively (or not at all), at least I know that he WAS judging me because of it, and that's not someone I'd want to be with anyway. I'd like to say something along the lines of "I'm not the kind of girl who hops in and out of beds, you were different in my eyes, I saw qualities in you I really liked...but just because we rushed the physical doesn't mean anything else has to be rushed...I have no expectations and do not want to put pressure on you, I'd just like to be able to continue to get to know more you, and you about me" (put in a much more eloquent way, of course!!). Too much? Granted, such might be futile, but it will make me feel better and will alleviate my thoughts of "what if?", ya know?
johan Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 I think you're explaining too much. He already knows you aren't easy. It doesn't matter what you say about that. So it isn't adding anything. But it does show you're a little insecure about it. So I suggest just leaving it out. This part: I'm not the kind of girl who hops in and out of beds, you were different in my eyes, I saw qualities in you I really liked...but just because we rushed the physical doesn't mean anything else has to be rushed...I have no expectations and do not want to put pressure on you, I'd just like to be able to continue to get to know more you, and you about me sounds a bit like desperation. And any statement that starts out with "I don't want to put pressure on you" is going to make the person feel pressure. Just don't doubt yourself. You did what you thought was right and you didn't go too far or too fast or put pressure on him or anything. It's really not you. And don't over-estimate him. He's someone you're pretty interested in, but there are lots of guys you could feel that way about after a month or so. So convince yourself that he's not that important to you. He just has the option of getting to know you more after the shock wears off. Just remember that your life will be good with or without him.
green-eyed beauty Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 that is a typical ploy used by players GEB....it makes the intended target feel more "comfortable" and let her guard down....and therefore she gives it up earlier than she would have otherwise. Also it makes the target feel as if she's in "control". I've used it many times myself. Yup, and see, I wouldn't fall for it. If a guy is telling me "we don't have to rush things physically," I would take him at his word, and we wouldn't be going to bed anytime soon. And a player would be gone if they had to wait longer.
This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 You guys know my situation. Well, he hasn't called - it's been almost a week. I'm back to being upset again, as I've re-read all of our correspondence, texts, thought about conversations, special moments together. I miss him. I want to continue seeing him, but I don't know how to make that happen. This is one of those unfortunate incidences where feelings have somehow gotten misplaced. You know, SG - you can read your correspondences with him over and over again. But it wouldn't change the fact that he hasn't been in touch with you for a week now. I know many of you are convinced it's HIS problem, that's he's a player, that I didn't do anything wrong, etc. Well, I'm not convinced I didn't do anything wrong. I do sincerely think he is a good guy who was looking for a good girl, and my behavior (between hooking up too soon and marking my territory with the darn toothbrush) scared him. However, I still have moments, where I wonder if he is in fact a player... Anyway, seeing as I can't take back what's been done, the only way to be with him - it seems - is to win him over. Regardless of what you might think of his character or what I deserve, this is what I want right now. I really need your help to try and help me get it. Okay, let's give him the benefit of doubt and say he's not a player. But I don't see why you should feel like you scared him away. For chrissakes, it was just a toothbrush!! Not a magic wand that would turn him into a mouse if he touched it. Going to bed with him in a month shouldn't have anything to do with it. If it would have been me, I would've probably waited much, much longer. But that's just because it's how I am, and what's comfortable for me. And you did things according to what YOU felt was okay and comfortable for you. There is nothing wrong with that. So you think he got scared because he thought you were coming on too strong? Well, what's the alternative, then? To continue playing along like nothing happened, and greet each other like strangers every time you meet? Also, I don't think you have to try and "make him realize" anything. He won't get it, plain and simple. He either wants to be with you or he doesn't, and his actions speak what he wants, already. Besides, all that is just too much drama, don't you think? You ask yourself, Stargazer - what do you want out of this relationship? To feel loved, content, and happy in each other's company, right? He should be the one person to be there for you, someone you can count on, someone with whom you can let your guard down. Or do you want to be a player in this cat-and-mouse game forever? Chances are high that the relationship dynamic that gets established in the beginning, stays that way. How well do you know him? He might continue to be this way - emotionally unavailable and distant, and raising the "I'm scared of you" flag at the drop of a hat. Trust me, you wouldn't want that. Stop making excuses for him, and stop finding reasons for his behavior within every little act you did and every little text message you wrote him. So, assuming he IS a player...how do I do that? For those of you who are (or have been) a player, what could a girl do that would win you over? A player's gotta stop playin' someday, right? Well, I want that day to be today. On the other hand, assuming he is NOT a player and I really DID scare him away, how can I fix that and encourage him to come back?? If his interest diminished because of my behavior, is there anything I can do to restore it? I really like this guy, and believe we have an awesome potential. I don't want to f*ck up this one as I have in the past Do you really WANT to be with a player? I wouldn't. There would be too much energy and time spent on playing the game, instead of being yourself and enjoying what you share. You cannot change people. He is what he is, you'll only be hurting yourself if you try and force him into being your way. You want to continue seeing him, but he doesn't want to do the same, apparently. So what else can you do? Nobody owns anybody, and you cannot make people think a certain way and act a certain way. I know it's easy for me to say all of this. I know it would hurt for you to think that he really doesn't give a damn. I'm sorry about how you're feeling, SG. But you cannot control people's actions. Also, sometimes certain relationships give off the false aura of being "extremely promising". Those are the ones to be careful of. You think you'll be able to manipulate him and the relationship into what your ideal is? It won't happen, and you'll be so sad and so hurt in the end. Just be thankful that you know how he is, right now. If you want to clear it up with him, go ahead and do that if that makes you feel any better. I can't guarantee you'll get much satisfaction out of it, but sometimes it takes a humiliating experience to regain the value of your dignity.
monkey00 Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 Unlike women, when or if a guy loses interest...it often is difficult to regain it. I dont know the complete situation that happened between you two, but I would recommend to move on and not linger on him any longer or it will just eat at you. If it makes you feel better and you want to get the last word out, then go for it. If he is a player it will leave an opening for him to bring pain again, if he is sincere and still interested - any guy in their right mind would come to their senses and make things right.
allina Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 I think that there is a way to regain his interest, it's not a sure thing but there is a chance. Don't call him or send him any "just saying hi" texts right now. I think your best bet is getting together with him casually. Something like lunch or dinner (but not a romantic fancy one) would be perfect, a drink after work would do as well, just don't let the booze speak or act for you. I'm not sure if you share any mutual friends with this FF but if you do this is easy, just get one of the mutual friends to get a lunch together so you can see him. If not it's a bit harder because you'll have to initiate contact. If you have the guts, when you're ready to call him and casually say "hey wanna grab lunch at (name of whatever chill little eatery you chose here)? Hopefully he'll agree and you can see him. This is your reason to charm him back and remind him why he was interested at first. Just act like you did when you first started seeing him, happy fun and all that good stuff. Don't bring up anything about what's going on between you two, unless he says something. Keep the meeting short and sweet, be happy to see him and show him that you're a no pressure chick and that he should be glad to see you again.
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