luvadj Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 It's been a while since I've posted my last post: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t109688/ Since then, My SO has been around 5 out of 7 mornings a week to get our daughter to pre-school (I have custody of her). She still maintains that she wants to work at getting back together, but there is a ton of resentment and anger on her part that she's working out. We go out on dates once a week and are still having sexual relations. The thing that bothers me is that when I try to talk about things to be fixed or worked on in our relationship, she gets defensive and acts like I'm bugging her and she steps backwards again.... I know that she was the one to walk out, and I do believe that if she loved me enough, she wouldn't have walked out....especially since I've acknowledged and validate her concerns daily...The biggest stumbling block is that whatever is eating at her, she can't forgive and let it go... Is there anything else I could do or say besides be patient?
Author luvadj Posted May 22, 2007 Author Posted May 22, 2007 What is her history...? I don't quite understand the question....has she been faithful?...yes, right up to today, and I have been faithful to her as well. Has there been any abuse?...never laid a bad hand on her or my children. She has had some issues with my Ex-wife and myself being on friendly terms for our son, and me not being so "forthcoming" with details of things sometimes out of a need to "keep the peace", which she labels as lying to her. I think it's more of a mid-life crisis than anything....she says she wants to spend time with the girls, wants to spend time with me, but she's not ready to come back as my wife...She just finished her 2nd semester of community college and is looking for a job. She has never worked the whole time we've been together. Sometimes it's very hard not to get depressed and bummed about her feeling the way she does. I only wished that we had talked it over long before it came to this.
ilmw Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 I only wished that we had talked it over long before it came to this. But... isn't is always that way..? Communication... or lack of it! Sucks not having a clue sometimes what the person you are meant to be the closest to... can be a bigger mystery.. than other people you know:confused:
InvisibleTouch Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 "Resentment and anger", being "defensive" and controls by withdrawing and walking out are not good qualities to have learned. Where did she learn this stuff?
Author luvadj Posted May 23, 2007 Author Posted May 23, 2007 Now I understand what you mean.... Her Ex was abusive and inflicted horrible emotional abuse on her. It took her self esteem. When we met, she seemed to be quite stable emotional wise. It was only when I had dealings with my Ex was when she would go into these "scenes" for lack of a better word. She would get very angry and finally after she left, it came out in conversation that "she didn't want a three way relationship". I tried to explain that it's MY dealings and she didn't have to involve herself in it, but I didn't understand she WAS involved...she loved my son, and it bothered her. At the same time, she resented my dealings with her. I know the above example and others are HER problem, not mine, so I validate her issues whenever we talk, and keep hoping I'm doing the right thing by her. I keep my spirits up by remembering that I am a pretty good guy and no matter what, I'll survive and thrive.
InvisibleTouch Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 Ok, that makes a little more sense. I would even go further and say that there may possibly be other reasons that you are not aware of that made her fall into the relationship with her ex in the first place. Bizzarely she may have married him becasue she identified with the abuse he dished out to her. We all do this subconsciously and it is not always a healthy decision. You are doing it now. She offers you something that you feel comfortable with - do you know why that is or what that is? That aside her self esteeem will be low. Emotionally she could be feeling insecure, scared and lonely. I have no doubt that she knows deep down just how good you are for her but because she may not identify with the type of love you are offering her it draws out committment concerns, and that could be fuelling her confusion/reaction. The solution to this, unfortunately, is not something you can provide. You cant love her more because that would be like stoking the fire. If what I say is true (which of course it may not!) then she has to resolve the issues herself with a professional who can help her realign her thinking. What would be unfortunate is if she goes back to her ex becasue she thinks she still needs his approval, which is was abused people do. Is that posssible? Anyway, your frustration is born out of the fact that there is nothing you can do. Whats more, it isn't you. I wouldn't push her on anything. I would say nothing but instead show her with your actions that what you offer is healthy and pleasant and that that is ok for her. Compare it to sitting quietly watching nature. The quieter you are and the less you move the closer it gets. But...
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