pricillia Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 No, P. He mentions another guy too that she just left to see..an ex. Unless I misread, there's more than one other guy. But still even if there's only ONE other guy, she's still displaying slutty behavior because at the very least she's sleeping with TWO guys at the same time. Possibly she is, but she said that she went to see a good friend... It could be possible that she is not sleeping with both of them. I need to know more...
Author Tuaca Posted May 20, 2007 Author Posted May 20, 2007 I need more knowledge also.... All I know is her history with me and now she has gone out of town to a guys house that she used to sleep with on a whim with no talking to me first.
Touche Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 Possibly she is, but she said that she went to see a good friend... It could be possible that she is not sleeping with both of them. I need to know more... Maybe she's not sleeping with him but her past actions don't point in that direction. Tuaca, so you're saying she went anyway? Even after you said you weren't comfortable with it and wanted to meet him first? EVERYTHING this girl is doing points to lack of consideration..I'll lay all the sex/slut stuff aside now. But really...she doesn't act like a woman who wants an exclusive relationship with you. Your desires/wants don't seem to matter to her. Only hers seem to matter. Your posts speak of a woman who does nothing but lie to you. And then when called on it, makes excuses. Not good all the way around.
Author Tuaca Posted May 20, 2007 Author Posted May 20, 2007 would you think of me as controlling if I said I did not want her to go? Is that selfish? She seemed to understand me wanting to know him first when we talked about him and now she blew all that off.
pricillia Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 What Touche says could be right on... My situation is a little different but lies suck either way. in any way shape of form It is the deceit though that is worse (is that omission) Op should find out what this woman would like in a relationship and if what she wants in a relationship includes him.
Author Tuaca Posted May 20, 2007 Author Posted May 20, 2007 That is just it pricilla, I have just asked and she tells me she wants to be with me and only me "we can work through this". Then she left two weeks later for the weekend. To see a concert. Free ticket was the reason...
pricillia Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 That is just it pricilla, I have just asked and she tells me she wants to be with me and only me "we can work through this". Then she left two weeks later for the weekend. To see a concert. Free ticket was the reason... Well then you have to believe her and also keep the lines of communication open... also actions speak louder than words. You asked in person or over the phone? Sometimes timing is everything
Touche Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 would you think of me as controlling if I said I did not want her to go? Is that selfish? She seemed to understand me wanting to know him first when we talked about him and now she blew all that off. Of course not. You have a right to tell her that you don't want her to go see her ex. Why do you not see that? And yes, she has a right to tell you that she's going anyway. But to act like she understands and is acknowledging your wishes and then just blowing you off is very dishonest. Another lie on her part. She really doesn't care what you want like I said before. Who wants to be with someone like that? Yes, P..lies by omission are still lies and yes it's a form of deception. And also, P I think this woman has already said by her actions what kind of relationship she wants...not an exclusive one.
pricillia Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 Of course not. You have a right to tell her that you don't want her to go see her ex. Why do you not see that? And yes, she has a right to tell you that she's going anyway. But to act like she understands and is acknowledging your wishes and then just blowing you off is very dishonest. Another lie on her part. She really doesn't care what you want like I said before. Who wants to be with someone like that? Yes, P..lies by omission are still lies and yes it's a form of deception. And also, P I think this woman has already said by her actions what kind of relationship she wants...not an exclusive one. But she can still have a life... should she cut all ties with past relationships and live in a bubble(reference: John Travolta in Boy and the Plastic Bubble) http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0074236/
Touche Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 Well then you have to believe her and also keep the lines of communication open... also actions speak louder than words. You asked in person or over the phone? Sometimes timing is everything Boy, we SO don't agree on this one. You say actions speak louder than words. That's what I was saying but look at what her actions have been. She chose free concert tickets over Tuaca's wishes and feelings. What's there to believe with her? And I also don't agree about the timing thing. She's either with him or she's not. And that's ridiculous about "working through this". If you have things like this to work through at this early stage of the game then this has nowhere to go but downhill, IMO. She tells you that she wants to be with you and only you...lies..just words. Her actions said otherwise. She chose free tickets and seeing the ex against your wishes. That doesn't sound like the actions of a woman who wants to be with "you and only you." Really, I'd let her go. She'll only cause you pain and heartache. It's sad though because I can tell you're not ready to do that. You're going to keep taking this and taking this and developing feelings for her and it will be that much harder later. Look around LS..you see it all the time. You're lucky though because you see all the red flags this early on and can save yourself a lot of grief IF you get out now. It just doesn't sound like you will. Which is a pity.
Author Tuaca Posted May 20, 2007 Author Posted May 20, 2007 Touche, I think you are correct. I do feel that she is not taking my feelings into consideration. When she returns I plan to discuss this with her. Too busy to talk to me when I call at work but can take off before noon on Friday. Says she will call and forgets Doesn't tell me about the contact with abusive ex becasue she is embarrassed, not taking into account how it might affect me. Invites another ex over to get her dog and doesnt tell me because of what I might say. Early on goes out with someone else and sleeps with him doesn't tell me because it is none of my business. My health is my business and if it is none of my business why lie about it just tell me she is going out of town. It is becoming obvious to me that she is not wanting as serious a relationship that she says she does. Or is not ready to make sacrifices for a relationship rather she is going to do what she wants when she wants without regard for my feelings.
norajane Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 I need more knowledge also.... All I know is her history with me and now she has gone out of town to a guys house that she used to sleep with on a whim with no talking to me first. She seemed to understand me wanting to know him first when we talked about him and now she blew all that off. What more do you need to know? She isn't respecting your feelings - she's doing what pleases her without giving any consideration to your concerns. But she can still have a life... should she cut all ties with past relationships and live in a bubble(reference: John Travolta in Boy and the Plastic Bubble) She could have done what she had said she would - let her bf get to know this ex before taking off for the weekend to see the ex. Yes, she can have a life, if she's honest and honorable about it. 6 months is a long time to date and then just ignore her bf's concerns. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0074236/
Touche Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 But she can still have a life... should she cut all ties with past relationships and live in a bubble(reference: John Travolta in Boy and the Plastic Bubble) http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0074236/ So she can't "have a life" withough visiting (and possibly sleeping with) her exes? Doesn't the girl have any friends she can visit who aren't men she's slept with before?
Author Tuaca Posted May 20, 2007 Author Posted May 20, 2007 Well then you have to believe her and also keep the lines of communication open... also actions speak louder than words. You asked in person or over the phone? Sometimes timing is everything All talks have been in person face to face!!!
Bryanp Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 It is clear that she does not respect your feeling and your relationship. She is willing to hurt, humiliate and disrespect you and your relationship for a free concert ticket? What is wrong with this picture? If you do not respect yourself my friend then who will? You deserve better and should not have to settle for this. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. What does this say about her and what does this say about you if you wish to stay with a person that will damage a relationship for a free concert ticket with someone she slept with previously? Surely you can find a person in the future who values you and what it means to me in a relationship and respect the one you are with. Clearly a person who constantly engages in lies of omission is not a person you should want to be with. Again what would she say if you went on a weekend with an ex because she was willing to give you a free concert ticket. Please open your eyes. Again you judge a person by their actions and not by their words. Good luck.
Touche Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 Touche, I think you are correct. I do feel that she is not taking my feelings into consideration. When she returns I plan to discuss this with her. Too busy to talk to me when I call at work but can take off before noon on Friday. Says she will call and forgets Doesn't tell me about the contact with abusive ex becasue she is embarrassed, not taking into account how it might affect me. Invites another ex over to get her dog and doesnt tell me because of what I might say. Early on goes out with someone else and sleeps with him doesn't tell me because it is none of my business. My health is my business and if it is none of my business why lie about it just tell me she is going out of town. It is becoming obvious to me that she is not wanting as serious a relationship that she says she does. Or is not ready to make sacrifices for a relationship rather she is going to do what she wants when she wants without regard for my feelings. Yes, you got the full picture now. And I'm really sorry. It stinks. And I hate to say this but talking to her when you get back will do no good at all. I mean go ahead if it will make you feel better but I can tell you how it may go. She'll say everything you want to hear..lie some more, and maybe even cry. She'll repeat that she only "wants you" (another lie) and will try harder. You'll maybe get sucked back in and give her another chance. She'll most likely piss you off again or try harder to cover her lies and you'll be right back to square one. It really stinks. She just doesn't have your values. She isn't at the same stage as you are. Why is dating others not an option for you right now? It should be.
Trialbyfire Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 Lying is definitely not acceptable in a relationship. I agree her actions don't speak of someone who is completely invested. My only question once more is how invested the OP has shown himself to be and how indepth an exclusivity conversation they've had and at what point in the string of events this exclusivity conversation occurred. I think most of the regulars know how adamant I am about not lying or cheating in any relationship and that I don't believe in sleeping around either, but if exclusivity is not clearly defined in a relationship, each or both partners won't get a solid comfort level. Assumption is not enough.
Touche Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 That's a sad commentary on our societal mores. It really is.
Trialbyfire Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 Yes it is Touche. I'm feeling sad and cynical tonight. No assumptions here.
Touche Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 Yes it is Touche. I'm feeling sad and cynical tonight. No assumptions here. Aww..TBF, sorry you're sad. Why not start a thread and vent a bit? As for the OP, he sounds mighty invested to me...TOO invested for his own good. I feel really badly for him. I wish him a clean, quick and pain-free break from this deceptive woman. She doesn't deserve him. And he certainly doesn't deserve her.
luvstarved Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 Tuaca I agree with the bottom line that there is not a bright future here. Just wanted to comment on one more angle that I don't think has been brought up yet (sorry if it has and I missed it). I went through a period of having similar behavior to your "gf". Mostly fallout from an "open marriage" but no matter how you get there... It sounds to me that she enjoys the "special attention" of maintaining relationships with exes. At some level, it is an ego boost hanging out with people that you know "want you" or at least have wanted you. And there is possibly something satisfying to her about playing one's emotions against the other, keeping things stirred up where none can fully claim her, but many can vie for a "piece" of her. Often an ex won't really want any more than occasional contact, with or without "benefits". In your case, being the current bf and conveying to her that you want an exclusive relationship and do not like the "ex" contact, I strongly suspect that she will say or do whatever it takes to manipulate you to serve her ego. Meaning, to keep you from rejecting HER. In other words, all this contact with exes sounds like ego and insecurity and that is what she will feed. At the same time, she has proven that she can lie easily and I am afraid it might be a little naive to think that a little honesty goes a long way. Often a little honesty only masks a big lie. That is to say, I would personally be extremely suspicious of her not continuing to sleep with exes. Looking at the facts - she is not above lying - she is not above sleeping with multiple partners - she is prone to manipulation (emailing ex-bf to "show" she is ok) God almighty, I can almost hear it: "what'd you tell your boyfriend?" (giggle) "He knows I am here but I told him we are just friends" (giggle) "well that's true - friends with BENEFITS" wink wink nudge nudge. I HAVE been friends with exes, I have also slept with exes (stupid me) but I will tell you, in my experience: most ex-bfs, given the chance, will at least ASK for sex from an ex without much compunction. Of course I could be wrong and there is nothing going on...but if you want to talk about odds/percentages...I think chances are there is. And putting aside any moral issues, it is just patently unfair in this day and age to be screwing around without "full disclosure" because of the health risks.
Author Tuaca Posted May 20, 2007 Author Posted May 20, 2007 We did have a long talk way back in January about cheating and our expectations of each other. She was very hung up on cheating and I admitted that I had cheated on one person over 7 years ago. I swore I would not go through that again. I can swear to it, I was the one in the wrong and paid for it physically and mentally. I also asked her to promise not to put me through what my last gf had done to me. We both agreed and I felt that she held that close to her and was a big part of who she was. As for how vested I am, I have told her that I love her and she has told me that in 30 years I am only the 3rd person she has ever loved. "She does not throw around the L word". The person I thought she was up until a month ago had high morals and was very considerate. Harsh sometimes but I accepted that as having been through some bad relationships and wasa willing to be honest when something was on her mind. I think that she just is not so honest when she thinks that it could cause conflict in our relationship. In thinking a lot today, I have realized that she does what she wants at times without thinking of my feelings and our relationship. I spoke with her a little bit ago while at her ex's out of town and she acted as if there was nothing wrong or anything going on. They went to dinner tonight and rented a movie and are at his house. Do I think she is screwing him this weekend, no. Do I think that she disregarded my feelings and our relationship in going to his place, absolutely. Do I think given the chance, he would have sex with her, without a doubt. She is niave to think that ex's are talking to her just to be friends they are waiting for the opportunity to 'benefits' and I have told her that. I have said nothing here that I have not said to her face except for my realizations today. I am very hurt and sad that she is not aparently the person I thought she was. If only I diddn't know now what I diddn't know then. It is a quote from a song and while it is not entirely true, I wish she were the woman that I have put on a pedastal for 5 months. I do love her, I just can not live without a partner that is willing to give back what I am willing to put into a relationship. My thoughts are if it is a serious relationship both parties should give "Whatever it takes". Thanks to all...... I wish there were another answer!
Author Tuaca Posted May 20, 2007 Author Posted May 20, 2007 Taking all else into consideration. What if.... In the beginning, she was just trying to decide if either of us was worth a long term relationship and she lied about going to the beach because she did not want to hurt me? She did not tell me about the last ex coming over to get the dog for the day because he had apologized for being an a** and she did not want to hurt me. She did not want to tell me about her other abusive ex contacting her on her birthday because she was embarrassed she was talking to him and wanted to rub it in his face that she was happy. She went out of town this weekend because she wanted to get away and her and her ex have actually got a healthy friendship. I could be loosing someone that I love very deeply because of my own insecurity and jealousy. This is very hard for me!!!!!!!!! Sorry for the additional post but noone has spoken to this scenario. Please respond, T
norajane Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 Taking all else into consideration. What if.... In the beginning, she was just trying to decide if either of us was worth a long term relationship and she lied about going to the beach because she did not want to hurt me? She did not tell me about the last ex coming over to get the dog for the day because he had apologized for being an a** and she did not want to hurt me. She did not want to tell me about her other abusive ex contacting her on her birthday because she was embarrassed she was talking to him and wanted to rub it in his face that she was happy. She went out of town this weekend because she wanted to get away and her and her ex have actually got a healthy friendship. I could be loosing someone that I love very deeply because of my own insecurity and jealousy. This is very hard for me!!!!!!!!! Sorry for the additional post but noone has spoken to this scenario. Please respond, T We haven't spoken to that scenario because it's too full of rationalizations and justifications and excuses - all about other guys in her life and her communications and actions with them. If it were just one of those things, you might be able to make a case for getting beyond it. But it's too many things, and when added to her other inconsiderate behaviors, her actions speak truer than her words. BTW, you DO NOT for sure know that 1) she didn't have sex with the dog guy, and 2) that she's not having sex this weekend. Even if she went there without the intention of having sex (big IF), she is there, it is a possibility, and you do have to question it. She should never have put you in a position where you aren't sure of her loyalty to you or her integrity.
Author Tuaca Posted May 20, 2007 Author Posted May 20, 2007 I am a trusting person by nature and dont want to live in a cynical world. I want to find love that can be forever, trusting and can give me the fantasy that most women dream of. I am 33 and for the last 7 years have been in relationships that ended in me being hurt. I can only feel as though I have brought this on myself. I want a place to call home a wife that loves me and children that we both can love and raise as a couple. I see that in my grandparents and want that is it too much to ask?????? Broken homes are a reflection of the morals of our society. I don't want to be another statistic.
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