Tuaca Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 I have been dating someone for about 6 months. I found out about a month ago that about 3 weeks after we started seeing one another she lied to me about going out of town to see her mother and instead went to spend an intimate weekend with someone at the beach. Pretty elaborate setup in my opinion. I understand that it was early in our relationship but we were sexually active and she lied about where she was going and then had sex with someone else. She is sorry for lying but still believes that her actions were not immoral. I have also found out that she has kept it from me within the past month that her last boyfriend has been over 'to see her dog' and that she has been communicating mainly via email with another abusive x. All of this came out about a month ago and now yesterday she called about noon to let me know that (on the spur of the moment) she was headed out of town to stay with a best friend. Who happens to be another x. All week she has been extremely busy at work and all of a sudden, she can take off at noon? She was going to call and let me know when she got there. I never heard from her til this morning. The guy she is with this weekend I don't necessarily think anything will happen but we had talked a few months ago about this guy and for the first time I asked if they were ever intimate and they have dated. I expressed my concern at that time about her going to see him without having met him and she understood. Now I am confused as to what is happening. Any thoughts are appreciated! Tuaca
Trialbyfire Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 Have the two of you ever had the exclusivity discussion? If not, then she has the right to date or sleep with whomever she wants to. On the other hand, lying is never acceptable, including lying by omission. If she hid her other relationships from you, to ensure that you stayed with her, there's a red flag, right there.
Ladyjane14 Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 Today, with STD's being what they are... I don't think it's too much to expect that a person be honest with his/her lovers about their exposure risks. Safe sex isn't fool-proof, you know. So, while I wouldn't say it's "immoral" for a person to have multiple partners when they're not in an exclusive relationship... I'd have to say that failing to be up front and honest in sexual matters is at the minimum 'immature'. I'd 'cut bait' if I were you.
Author Tuaca Posted May 19, 2007 Author Posted May 19, 2007 thanks trial and lady. I feel like I should have at least been able to make that decision myself and know how I should proceed into a relationship with her. Especially if she was seeing others. Any thoughts with what's up with this weekends trip? If she really does want to get past this why leave for her bestfriend/ex lovers this weekend? Does anyone think that she doesn't get it or do you believe there are reasons behind her leaving this weekend. I am working this weekend so it is not like we had plans.
Ladyjane14 Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 Does anyone think that she doesn't get it or do you believe there are reasons behind her leaving this weekend. I am working this weekend so it is not like we had plans. If I had to hazard a guess.... I'd say "she just doesn't get it". Like I said, I suspect she's somewhat immature. Certainly, she seems to lack education on what kind of conduct is required in serious romantic relationships.
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 T why are you putting up with her bs? She's cheating on you apparently your relationship isnt serious to her as it is to you. I'd say play the game and the minute she makes plans to go out and visit an x or hang with someone, you make plans. I think she wants to be in a relationship with you but only one where certain needs are met. I think your the emotional jump-off while she has a sex relationship with other's. I think she's compartmentalizing. Apparently she doesnt understand the idea of a commited relationship. Do what needs to be done. If she wants to go out with others, Do the same. Show her that you arent gonna be pushed around and if she isnt gonna respect your boundries then you aint gonna respect her. There's no need to dig deeper, the red flag is staring at you right in your damn face. Dont take what she's doing lieing down. I used to be in the same position but now I dont and I'm much stronger now then I ever was.
Author Tuaca Posted May 19, 2007 Author Posted May 19, 2007 Chrome, I appreciate your input. I do not think that she is sleeping with others. I know that when we started dating she slept with the other person that she was seeing at the time and lied to me about seeing anyone else and also the sex. My far greater concern at this time is her omissions and contact with ex's. And now whether or not she understands what I am looking for in our relationship. I want an open relationship where there are not parts of our lives that are hidden from the other. Also of concern is why she felt it necessary to go spend the weekend with this friend. This weekend just seems suspect as we are dealing with the other things having just come out. They dated over two years ago, she has stated that she has no romantic feelings for him, but that they are friends. And they stay in close contact via email texts and phone calls. As Lady said, maybe she just doesn't get it. It would blow me away if she didn't but then a lot of things I have found out lately have blown me away.
Tony T Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 I wouldn't trust this gal as far as I can spit. She showed you right off the bat she's a liar. Those don't change. Have fun with her but take absolutely nothing seriously...because she certainly isn't.
sb129 Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 I have been with my BF six months. I f i knew he slept with someone else three weeks after we first got together I would be MAD. I think Tony is right.
Author Tuaca Posted May 19, 2007 Author Posted May 19, 2007 Mad, I was furious but then she told me that she had met both of us about the same time and she had dated both of us. He was just out of state so there were not time when she had to explain her time until she lied about the weekend at the beach. In all fairness, we had not had an exclusive talk I had asked her if she was single and was told she was.... Then I moved from being mad at her sleeping with someone else to being mad about having lied to me and mad that I had not had the opportunity to know all the facts in the beginning.
pricillia Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 I don't know her side of the story... but men do this sort of thing all the time.
Author Tuaca Posted May 19, 2007 Author Posted May 19, 2007 Are you saying that since SOME men 'do this all the time' that it is acceptable? I am really not sure what you are implying, but if I did this sort of thing then it really would not be a big deal to me, but seeing as how I am not even comfortable dating more than one person at a time, I don't think your statement applies. I am looking for insight and I think the general consensus is that she is either not committed to a serious relationship or doesn't understand what I am looking for from her.
pricillia Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 Are you saying that since SOME men 'do this all the time' that it is acceptable? I am really not sure what you are implying, but if I did this sort of thing then it really would not be a big deal to me, but seeing as how I am not even comfortable dating more than one person at a time, I don't think your statement applies. I am looking for insight and I think the general consensus is that she is either not committed to a serious relationship or doesn't understand what I am looking for from her. No I don't think that this is acceptable... however if she does not understatnd what you are looking for from her it is because she doesn't want to...
Trialbyfire Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 To turn this around a little, why haven't you had the exclusivity discussion?
Bryanp Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would be putting up with such disrespect and mind games from you? I am sorry but you judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volumes. How would she feel if she knew you manipulated your time to go see your ex? You say you are sure she would not be screwing around. I bet you were sure she was not screwing someone else a month into your relationship as well. Her actions indicate that she is not that interested in a serious relationship with you. She likes having you around to date because you live in the same area but also enjoys seeing her ex's out of town as well. She has shown you that she is also a good liar to you. Maybe it is time to see things as they are and not as you wish them to be. She is treating you with disrespect.
Touche Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 I don't think having a talk with her will make any difference. She's not only a liar but she's also a slut.
Author Tuaca Posted May 19, 2007 Author Posted May 19, 2007 Actually I was saying at the 3 week mark we had not had the exclusivity conversation. It was then that she went to the beach with guy2. It appears that weekend was the end of guy2. I guess in talking about this today I have come to understand that there were two lies in the beginning: When I asked if she was single, she said she was. When she went to the beach, she told me she was going to see her mother. Since that time there have only been omissions. And now there is a blatant something happening in front of me as we speak. I am not a saint I have been on the other side of things before but 7 years ago I vowed to myself to never put myself in that type of situation again. So I know what both sides feel like and they are both very trying, assuming you have a conscience.
Author Tuaca Posted May 19, 2007 Author Posted May 19, 2007 Bryan - thanks for the input. And yes, you are probably correct, she would not put up with what I am putting up with. I am sure she feels that she has explained everything and all should be fine.
pricillia Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 I don't think having a talk with her will make any difference. She's not only a liar but she's also a slut. Why is she a slut? This is such a double standard...
Author Tuaca Posted May 19, 2007 Author Posted May 19, 2007 Touche, there is really no need for the name calling. As I have stated before, I am just looking for insight.
Touche Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 Why is she a slut? This is such a double standard... No double standard, P. I'd say the same about a guy doing the same thing (only I'd call him a man slut.) In my book, sleeping with more than one person at the same time makes one a slut..male OR female. Sorry, you don't agree. You're certainly entitled to your opinion though.
pricillia Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 No double standard, P. I'd say the same about a guy doing the same thing (only I'd call him a man slut.) In my book, sleeping with more than one person at the same time makes one a slut..male OR female. Sorry, you don't agree. You're certainly entitled to your opinion though. So judgemental right off the bat Touche... You don't even know this woman what her life is like why she is doing what she is doing and why she needs the attention that she is obviously seeking out. There is a difference in having multiple partners vs. sleeping with men just for the hell of it. Also different people have different needs go through things and then change... Male slut... slut... both harsh
Touche Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 Touche, there is really no need for the name calling. As I have stated before, I am just looking for insight. I wasn't exactly "name-calling." It was a characterization..a description of her. ..one that most people I think would agree with (even if they won't say it to your face.) I thought I was helping you to see her in a clear light...but obviously you took offense..sorry. Guess, you'll still be dating her then. I wouldn't expect her to be your "girlfiend" though.
Author Tuaca Posted May 19, 2007 Author Posted May 19, 2007 touche, thanks for the explanation. I think I can live with the fact that she was with someone else as we had no expectation of exclusivity at that time. Still the lying bothers me.
burning 4 revenge Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 So judgemental right off the bat Touche... You don't even know this woman what her life is like why she is doing what she is doing and why she needs the attention that she is obviously seeking out. There is a difference in having multiple partners vs. sleeping with men just for the hell of it. Also different people have different needs go through things and then change... Male slut... slut... both harsh Making excuses for any action and not calling things what they really are is the reason the institution of the family is being destroyed and why both relationships and people are becoming increasingly disposable. But what ever feels good do it right?
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