Asked the ex to join another gym...thoughts?

[NorCalDave]

....So I heard my ex walked into the gym with some dude and I blew it up in my head (totally insecure, I know..for some reason the thought of her with another guy just kills me) to be more than it was and I walked up to her this week and asked her to join another gym since I was here first and I had originally joined this gym to get away from her last year (meaning I myself already had to switch gyms to get away from her, why should I have to do it again).

It didn't go over too well. She blew up at me. Cussing, yelling, telling me I am immature and I can't dictate where she can/can't go, etc...she made a scene at the gym....luckily there weren't many people there...I said fine and walked away, called her afterwards, asked if we could talk like civilized adults, and she apologized for blowing up at me but she thought I was out of line for asking that. She said she doesn't want a long term relationship, doesn't want to be my lover, and is taking care of her nephew all summer so she's not looking to get involved with anyone.

So I asked her why she has been so mean to me the past month (ignoring me, seeing me at the gym and walking the other way) and she said because she knows I want more than friendship and she just wants friendship.

To rewind, for some perspective...

Ever since the breakup in January, the months have been mixed between NC, friendship(me wanting/hoping to woo her back), and some kisses and hugs, but I could tell she was a little uncomfortable getting physical again.

So, after making out on the beach March 18th, in what was to me the most romantic day we've ever had together, she becomes distant and pulls away again and we do the NC thing for a few weeks.

 

Fast forward to Easter: she calls 3 times, seems totally interested, leaves sweet messages, and says she wants to hang out at night during the week. We hang out all week, working out together, dinner, church...she suggests we go hottubbing too. But we never did go(it usually leads to sex) and I think it's because she didn't want to send the wrong message. Then the next week she's completely distant. Then the next week goes from distant to completely avoiding me.

So, I asked her a few weeks ago, "Why? Why would you be so friendly with me one week, and the next, totally distant?"

She told me she had seen her ex that weekend and is deciding whether

or not to get back together with him.

So, the past couple weeks we have both ignored each other.

Then, I hear about her walking in with some other guy, and I reacted, and asked her to join another gym and now she seems she wants nothing to do with me.

After she blew up, I called her, she apologized and said she isn't getting back with her ex.

Dude, is she confused or what?

I didn't think asking her to move gyms would be such a big deal, but to her it was controlling, immature, and out of line. My logic was, I have already had to change gyms, I shouldn't have to do it again.

So I know everyone will just tell me to change gyms and go NC, but I just wondered if anyone else had any other perspectives.

At this point, I know NC is best, and if she won't switch, and I won't switch, then we are now acting like complete strangers when we see each other, which I think is just ridiculous.

I just can't figure out how it got to this.

2 months ago we're in bliss on the beach, she's telling me she has never felt so comfortable with a man, it's so easy, and we have an "undeniable chemical attraction"........then a month and a half ago she is gung ho on "catching up" with me, then when she slightly picks up that I want more than friendship she pushes me away, has a weekend rendesveau(sp?) with her ex, contemplates getting back with him, then becomes completely rude with me and is cold and aloof.....then this week I politely ask her to consider switching gyms, since she obviously doesn't want to be friends or anything else, and she cusses, yells, insults.....but immediately apologizes afterwards???...I just don't know what is going on with her, how she can be so inconsistent.

I know I need to just move on, but she always seems to occupy a space in my brain!!

Anyone ever dealt with anything like this? I feel like I just want to sit down and talk with her and understand what she's going through, but she will barely even talk to me.

[alphamale]

NCD you need to stay away from this woman....she's messing with your head. The best thing to do is spend time and energy on yourself and in trying to find some other woman.

[Trialbyfire]

This woman isn't interested in "together forever". I can't see there being any reason to put anymore emotional effort into her. Please change your gym, change everything to get away from her.

 

I don't think she wants to be vindictive or anything. I just think she's commitment phobic.

[NorCalDave]

I know, I know I need to get far far away from her....but it's hard because I can't even get her out of my head!

And we constantly run into each other places...not just the gym...I just don't understand how a person can change like she does. One day I am her boyfriend. One day I am her lover and she's spending the night 3 nights in a row. One day we aren't anything. One day we're friends. One day she's completely aloof and cold. Then this week she's cussing me out at the gym...then says sorry on the phone a minute later.

She is the most attractive woman physically I have ever been around, and I just can't seem to forget her...even when I meet a new hot girl, I find something about the new girl that is inadequate compared to her....

...but yes, she has been commitmentphobic her whole life, which is why at 49 she is still single with no kids and lives in a studio with her cats.

But she has this vivacious almost immature personality and that mixed with her body, face and good genes and to me she is just unforgettable.

But for some reason she runs away whenever we get serious.

Last year when we were in the prime of our dating life, I invite her over to meet my family for Thanksgiving and she says she isn't ready for that and suddenly starts backing out of the relationship....and then this year when we are kissing and enjoying the sunset at the beach, and she seems happy as can be, she completely backs off the rest of the week.....everytime we get close, she pushes away.....I know she was abused as a child and has been in a few disfunctional relationships....is that enough to make a totally hot woman never want to commit? Or is she just not committing to ME because I am 20 years younger? I mean she contemplated going back to her ex after a weekend with him, but then ixnayed that decision too.

I think her ex who is older than her is going through the same pushing/pulling that I have been going through. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

[alphamale]

I know, I know I need to get far far away from her....but it's hard because I can't even get her out of my head!

And we constantly run into each other places...not just the gym

well NCD you obviously know where she goes...just stop going to those places for sake of your own mental health.

 

...I just don't understand how a person can change like she does. One day I am her boyfriend. One day I am her lover and she's spending the night 3 nights in a row. One day we aren't anything. One day we're friends. One day she's completely aloof and cold. Then this week she's cussing me out at the gym...then says sorry on the phone a minute later.

welcome to the wonderful world of women, brother!

[NorCalDave]

Why are the hot ones always the crazy ones?

[Trialbyfire]

Okay. Stop that. Part of this is the chase whether you're aware of it or not. She is an unattainable goal that you want. This is her power over you. She was playing you like a fiddle for her own ego sake. She's not serious and will NEVER be serious. She is not nice people NCD.

 

Time to sit back and realize it. Hammer this into your brain until you realize that the prize is nothing more than a woman who victimizes men, for her own selfish pleasure. She's 20 years older than you and should know better. Do you want to be part of her string of conquests?

 

Do this for awhile, will you?

[NorCalDave]

Maybe but I don't understand WHY she'd do this for her ego.

I don't do this with women, and I don't understand playing people to feed your own ego.

If I don't want to be with a girl, I simply tell her or stop calling/returning calls. She'll get the point. And that's it.

But with her, it's like, she seems so sincere about how happy she is with me, but then she backs off. What is she afraid of? Why do people get commitmentphobic?

I mean, my parents divorced, they fought alot, but that doesn't make me not ever want to get married or anything.

I know her parents are still together, and I couldn't imagine she wants to be alone the rest of her life. Maybe she doesn't want to put herself in a vulnerable position for her to get hurt. Maybe maintaining her independence is her own source of power in her life...she has had REALLY controlling boyfriends. This makes her the "rebel" she is today...it seems she just wants to be a butterfly...she wants to be able to see her ex, work out with some doofus, see me occasionally, go on casual dates probably...but she is totally turned off to sex(??)...she wears totally sexy clothing, and has a 10 body so every guy that gawks at her thinks she wants to get down. But, not the case. Just ask her ex, me. I would touch her boobs in the past (because they're sitting there staring at me) and she would get mad....it's like, she didn't even like being touched sometimes.....maybe all this is just the chase, but my thing is I don't know WHY it has to be a chase....I don't know WHY, WHY, WHY she can't get over her fears, insecurities, demons, baggage, whatever....and I can't imagine her wanting to be alone for the rest of her life...but she acts like being alone is totally fine with her.

[Trialbyfire]

All of what you stated that she does, is about power and fear. Power is the ability to keep you guys on a string, wanting her. I'm also guessing that part of that power is the fear of aging. She repeats abusive relationships for a reason. Look to her childhood relationship with her father.

[NorCalDave]

I know her father was a very good man, but not very emotionally available. She told me he was very popular with the ladies, which made her mom jealous alot. And that he may have "settled" for her mother out of convenience or something.

I don't believe he was abusive, but rather just, aloof and always working in the vineyard.

Her mom though, was very verbally abusive and called her ugly and stupid and dumb and all that.

It's almost like sometimes I feel she's still a little kid.

I know more analysis needs to be on ME and WHY I choose to care so much, but really, I am trying to process and understand her mixed messages and confusing actions.

I know her boyfriends used her for sex and as a trophy. She made a comment to me the last time we made love that she is no one's "sexual tool." I was like, "Babe, you're not, I love you." But it didn't matter. To her, sex was like, seen as a bad thing.

I know she has said marriage is not something for her because she doesn't want to answer to anyone about where she's been or what not. I think part of this stems from her mother ALWAYS having to know where she is, what she's doing, and her ex-boyfriends like I said were very controlling as well.

I am pissed at myself because now I look controlling because I asked her to join another gym. If that's not an attempt at controlling her I don't know what is.

I really regret doing that.

[Trialbyfire]

So, why do you want someone with all this baggage? If you were to describe her to people and could only tell them one thing about her, what is the best thing about her?

[Trialbyfire]

Okay, I'll leave you with one thought.

 

Sex is a powerful weapon in the wrong hands.

[NorCalDave]

So, why do you want someone with all this baggage? If you were to describe her to people and could only tell them one thing about her, what is the best thing about her?

 

The best thing about her, to me, is she honestly has a great heart. She is always helping out her sisters and family (hence, watching her nephew for the summer) and is very selfless that way. I just wish she could be more selfless with me. She seemed to be the "taker" in our relationship. It wasn't balanced, that's for sure.

[NorCalDave]

Okay, I'll leave you with one thought.

 

Sex is a powerful weapon in the wrong hands.

 

 

Okay, I think I know what you are talking about, but please elaborate.

[Trialbyfire]

The best thing about her, to me, is she honestly has a great heart. She is always helping out her sisters and family (hence, watching her nephew for the summer) and is very selfless that way. I just wish she could be more selfless with me. She seemed to be the "taker" in our relationship. It wasn't balanced, that's for sure.

Why are you allowing her to take it all? Don't you feel that you deserve more?

 

If you notice, this selflessness is geared solely towards family. If you take into account her abusive mother, who is she trying to impress? I'm not certain if you're familiar with the pattern for abusive relationships and how the abused person is always trying to redeem themselves in the eyes of the abuser.

 

Okay, I think I know what you are talking about, but please elaborate.

She uses her beauty.

 

I know you feel I'm attacking her which makes you want to defend her. Keep in mind that I'm distant to the situation, therefore, a little more dispassionate.

[NorCalDave]

Why are you allowing her to take it all? Don't you feel that you deserve more?

 

If you notice, this selflessness is geared solely towards family. If you take into account her abusive mother, who is she trying to impress? I'm not certain if you're familiar with the pattern for abusive relationships and how the abused person is always trying to redeem themselves in the eyes of the abuser.

 

 

She uses her beauty.

 

I know you feel I'm attacking her which makes you want to defend her. Keep in mind that I'm distant to the situation, therefore, a little more dispassionate.

 

 

 

No, you can attack her all you want. I won't get defensive. Any input is awesome. So, you're saying she uses her beauty to get what she wants basically? You're probably right.

 

This morning, I woke up feeling like I want to apologize for asking her to leave gyms. After thinking about it for a few days, I realize I was out of line. Would apologizing help or would I just be wasting my time?

[Trialbyfire]

No, you can attack her all you want. I won't get defensive. Any input is awesome. So, you're saying she uses her beauty to get what she wants basically? You're probably right.

 

This morning, I woke up feeling like I want to apologize for asking her to leave gyms. After thinking about it for a few days, I realize I was out of line. Would apologizing help or would I just be wasting my time?

No, I wouldn't apologize. What you need to do is to distance yourself from her as much as possible. You want to apologize because you still care about what she thinks about you and it's an excuse to contact her again. This relationship is going nowhere and you know it. It's toxic for you.

 

For your own good, go completely NC. Okay?

[alphamale]

Why are the hot ones always the crazy ones?

cause they can get away with it NCD

[Ssheena]

NCD, I'm both sorry and disappointed that you are still struggling with this.

 

I believe you KNOW that she is bad for you and have known it for months. I suggest you do everything in your power to avoid her as seeing her is hurtful to you. She is toxic to you. (stoping myself from quoting lyrics from the song - yikes!).

 

Just saw that Trialbyfire said the same thing. Let's change the word... POISON. Poison kills.

 

Please do everything you can not to see her - change gyms, move, whatever.

[Star Gazer]

If I don't want to be with a girl, I simply tell her or stop calling/returning calls. She'll get the point. And that's it.

 

But with her, it's like, she seems so sincere about how happy she is with me, but then she backs off.

 

These are one and the same, don't you see?? The women you stop calling/returning calls have just as many unanswered questions as you do.

 

Regardless, she's not interested in the same thing you are - a relationship. Why pine away over someone who will never give you want you want? Easier said than done, I know. But something to think about.

 

Also, I once had to move 400 miles away to get away from my ex. If I didn't actually run into him somewhere, I was at the very least reminded of him - places we had been together, etc. Best decision I ever made.

[NorCalDave]

These are one and the same, don't you see?? The women you stop calling/returning calls have just as many unanswered questions as you do.

 

Regardless, she's not interested in the same thing you are - a relationship. Why pine away over someone who will never give you want you want? Easier said than done, I know. But something to think about.

 

Also, I once had to move 400 miles away to get away from my ex. If I didn't actually run into him somewhere, I was at the very least reminded of him - places we had been together, etc. Best decision I ever made.

 

 

You are right. In our last conversation, she straight up told me, "I am not interested in a long term relationship, and I don't want to be lovers either."

It is one and the same. The distance says, "I don't want you."

I found 2 sweet books Saturday that are helping me understand this situation so much clearer.

"He Said/ She Said", and "Emotional Unavailability"....OMFG!!! These books hit it on the head. She is a classic "runner", one who runs from commitment. She is TOTALLY emotionally unavailable, which is reason why such a gorgeous woman has never been married or had kids, at 49.

She even quit her night job after a few months because that was a commitment. These people, for various reasons, run when things get serious. They can handle the first few months of infatuation, but once it becomes serious, they get claustrophobic and run. And the other, emotionally available person feels rejected and hurt and doesn't understand (me).

It all makes total sense now. She is just unavailable emotionally, and may never be available.

Understanding her actions and behavior by reading these books makes me feel so much better because I have for the longest time been struggling with understanding how she can just walk away from something that feels so good, so right.

She has left me twice now, right when things are getting serious, and now I know why. Now I know why she doesn't give anything, why she runs away JUST when things are progressing...it's not me, it's not our age gap, it's nothing other than the fact that a commitment scares the hell out of her because she fears losing control of her life, and unfortunately this reluctance to commit and be emotionally available might just make her a lonely, isolated old maid. With her looks she can get any guy she wants, and she will probably have some other relationships that she sabotages because of her issues. She will continue to break more hearts and she will continue to be unable to have a loving, stable, committed relationship.

It all makes sense now.

She has admitted to me "I am a runner", she has said she always sabotages every relationship.

She has told me everything these books are pointing out.

I can't wait to get home and read more so I can get clarity on this situation and pain I have been dealing with for so long now.

Some people, no matter how good the connection, no matter how good it feels, will always run away when it gets serious. It's kind of sad, and I feel sorry for her that she is running away from and missing out on a potentially beautiful relationship with me. Oh well.

[green-eyed beauty]

You know.....even without the commitment issues and what have you...sometimes love just isn't enough.

See, you have criticized her for not being married and not having kids at age 49...so I assume that is what you want.

1. her age is likely to prevent you from having kids with her and she doesn't want them anyway

 

2. she doesn't seem to be interested in marriage.

 

Even if you WERE in love, you want different things...so...please...move on instead of just continuing to criticize her for her life choices. Maybe she really isn't that into you.

[NorCalDave]

You know.....even without the commitment issues and what have you...sometimes love just isn't enough.

See, you have criticized her for not being married and not having kids at age 49...so I assume that is what you want.

1. her age is likely to prevent you from having kids with her and she doesn't want them anyway

 

2. she doesn't seem to be interested in marriage.

 

Even if you WERE in love, you want different things...so...please...move on instead of just continuing to criticize her for her life choices. Maybe she really isn't that into you.

 

 

Green-Eyed Beauty, you have obviously never been in love or had a relationship with this type of person, but it looks like you may have not been into someone enough or someone wasn't that into you at one point. If you only new the whole story and the drama and history in this relationship you wouldn't have written that last sentence.

I am not "criticizing her choices", I am trying to understand the person she has become. I am not criticizing the fact she's never been married or had kids- it's fact.

To me, something is off when a totally beautiful woman who can get any man she wants has a history of sabotaging ALL her relationships...or maybe you think she just "wasn't that into" all of them?????...

Trust me, she was into me, you can call her and ask her. This was no insignificant fling.

We were trying to have a baby in November. But I guess she wasn't that into me.

The things she said and the fact that she's gone back to me over and over....and what she calls, I quote, "the deepest connection with any man in my life", and "I've never been so attracted to a man."

Does that seem like "not that into you?"

If that is the case -but I am highly doubtful it is- then I am GLAD to have someone so unhealthy not into me...she probably sniffs that I am not one of her and moves on, to go back to her unhealthy ex, because like attracts like....

...Sorry to be defensive, but that ruffles my feathers because I know how much she cares about me and why she has gone back to me over and over...

Now that I can identify her behavior and understand why she acts this way despite how great the connection is, I can move on easier.

But yes, you are right, the reality is, I do want marriage and kids someday, and she seems unwilling or unable to do both, so sometimes love is not enough. I'd like to think it is, but in some cases it's not.

If we were to marry and adopt, she would probably feel guilty she couldn't give me a baby and that would affect her attitude and actions and would probably threaten the marriage and eventually end in divorce.

But trust me, she is into me, she just doesn't see a future.

And I can understand why. But it's still tough to let go, and I still miss her alot.

But I will be fine and meet the right one for me.

Hopefully we all do, eventually.

[InvisibleTouch]

Dave,

 

Now that you have seen the light you would hopefully have reasoned that the only possible course of action that you must take from here on in is absolute NC.

 

In case you are not sure what "absolute NC" means it means absolute NC...

[NorCalDave]

Dave,

 

Now that you have seen the light you would hopefully have reasoned that the only possible course of action that you must take from here on in is absolute NC.

 

In case you are not sure what "absolute NC" means it means absolute NC...

 

 

I know, for my sanity, the only thing to do is go complete NC. It might be hard not to go up to her in a crowd if I see her, but I have to remember she chose to leave me so she will have to live with it. I have been sucked back in by her so many times only to get spit back out...no mas.