jamileigh78 Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 My boyfriend has said this to me twice. One time he loaned his ex-wife some money, and when she let it slip, he told me 'I didn't lie to you, I just didn't tell you about it". (I was mad b/c she does him NO favors and he lent her $400). OK, so maybe he didn't lie about it, but to me it's just as bad. What other things is he not telling me? Would it bother anyone else?
Trialbyfire Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 It's called lying by omission. To me it's the same as lying outright. Both are completely unacceptable to me.
alphamale Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 if he lent his ex-wife the money for their kids then its none of your business.
Author jamileigh78 Posted May 19, 2007 Author Posted May 19, 2007 Well, the money was to pay a shoplifting fine so she wouldn't go to jail. It wasn't for the kids... he has custody anyway and she rarely sees them. Even if he wasn't my boyfriend, I don't think it's his place to pay her fines. And that's not the issue anyway, it's that he seems to think that it's okay to keep things from me.
alphamale Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 And that's not the issue anyway, it's that he seems to think that it's okay to keep things from me. well then you should date someone who doesn't have an ex-wife or any kids. if you're going to date him then you should accept the reality that his ex-wife is always gonna be in the picture.
Trialbyfire Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 That would be my take on your question, not the control of the money, but that he didn't tell you. I guess you have to look at it another way though. If he had told you, would you have insisted that he didn't pay? It's true what the other members are saying about the fact that his money is his own, if you're not sharing finances and residences. As his g/f, you have the right to express your opinion to him but not the right to control his money.
Author jamileigh78 Posted May 19, 2007 Author Posted May 19, 2007 Okay, maybe I didn't phrase my question right. I wasn't asking if it would bother anyone else if their SO loaned money to an ex. My question was, would it bother anyone if their SO told you 'I didn't lie to you, I just didn't tell you?'
alphamale Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 As his g/f, you have the right to express your opinion to him but not the right to control his money. agreed TBF, she won't have the right to his money until marriage My question was, would it bother anyone if their SO told you 'I didn't lie to you, I just didn't tell you?' depends what it was they didn't tell me about. have you told him everything about yourself? and I mean everything
norajane Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 My question was, would it bother anyone if their SO told you 'I didn't lie to you, I just didn't tell you?' Yes, it would bother me a great deal. It's lying by omission, and they only do that when they're deliberately hiding something from you. Whether he thinks it's lying or not, it IS lying and it leaves you knowing that he's going to hide things from you and absolve himself by saying he's not lying. I've had an SO who used this line. He's no longer my SO.
sweetbutcheeky Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 What or who he lied about isn't the issue. It's that he didn't tell her on purpose about loaning his ex the money. Not telling you is the same as lying. Also you found out about that one, I am wondering what else he "just not tell you about" Lying or hiding things from you is still something that shouldn't be involved in a relationship because then trust is out the window. I agree that he shouldn't be paying he shop lifting fines. Never mind that it takes money about from you 2 and his kids.
Miss Jane Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 Okay, maybe I didn't phrase my question right. I wasn't asking if it would bother anyone else if their SO loaned money to an ex. My question was, would it bother anyone if their SO told you 'I didn't lie to you, I just didn't tell you?' A few months ago I posted a similar thread--"is not telling the same as lying?" I got similar responses and my situation was my husband not telling me about a lap dance that he got at a strip club. His friend "slipped" and mentioned it one night when we were out. His attitude was that there was no reason to tell me--he knew I wouldn't like it. After several responses and responses on other similar threads it seems that most feel that hiding something is a form of lying and I know I felt deceived and that my trust was damaged. Some responses did think that in general many men don't tell us things that they know will upset us because they don't want to deal with any confrontation. To me, if they know it will upset us then maybe they shouldn't do it. I've been married for over 20 years--deception is very damaging to a relationship. I hope you and your boyfriend can come to a mutual understanding of honesty in your relationship. It does make you wonder how many other "things" they don't tell you about!
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