sockpuppet Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 The title is a little random I think. Anyways, some of you may have remember some of my posts from before asking for advice. Long story short, I was in a year-long relationship, the last 6 months of which had been long distance (seeing eachother every 2 weeks or so). Some issues came up with my girlfriend's past that screwed with me, I freaked out and didn't treat her so well. She hung in there while I continued to sabotage us...finally we called it quits around new years. March I felt like I was "over" things and wanted to try again. She was understandably hesitant, saying she needed to be able to trust me again, but she still loved me. I felt like she was stringing me along and was unable to be honest. Still, people here agreed that she just needed to see that I was committed to being there and being sane, and it would take some time if I was willing to put up with it. ----- Ok...now recently: I got her an internship in my area (which is very competitive)...I sent her flowers on her bday. I've been there for her constantly, I've given her space when I felt she needed it. Her responses have been totally mixed, saying she totally still loves me but doesn't feel ready to date. Everything just feels totally one sided. She came out recently for her interview for the internship I set her up with and everything was amazing. I had backed off in fear of smothering her and screwing things up, and it felt like we finally had a chance. With her probably being in my area, we talked about going on dates again. We acted like a couple... She got the internship, and we needed to find her housing. Honestly, I'm her only option because housing out here is VERY expensive and it's the only way she'd be able to do her internship. I figured hey, whatever happens to us, I want to help her out. She agreed she could only afford to stay with me. Since then I've been wondering what her intentions are, because she's said to me multiple times that she doesn't trust me yet and that it was important that I didn't assume her coming out here and living with me meant we were dating again, now or even in the future necessarily. Yet at the same time she's there telling me how much she loves me and misses me. Finally I snapped after some restless nights and told her I felt like I was really setting myself up to get hurt...that I felt she was leading me on and I was worried how our living situation would go if it turns out she had no intentions to ever be with me again. She said she'd made it clear that we weren't going to date yet, and it's my problem if I have unrealistic expectations. She's been telling me she loves me, she talked about going on dates with me, we have over a year of history as a couple, and we're going to be living together, and I'm still in love with her. Even if I don't have expectations I think it's stupid to think I wouldn't have hopes. The fact that she can't even state her intentions is driving me nuts. She thinks I'm just creating drama for the sake of it, and that I'm trying to find something wrong when there's nothing there. I feel like I'm being used... Some people I've talked to think she really does care and want to be with me again, but they think she's just put up a really good front, and steeled herself to me to avoid getting hurt again (she is good at 'protecting' herself like that)...I wouldn't mind that if she could just give me that instead of basically calling me insane and pathetic everytime I bring up what I see as a legitimate worry. Sorry for the long post...thoughts? I really love her. Edit: One thing I wanted to add. This could be me overanalyzing, but there was a point where she literally just started closing up and shutting herself off to me everytime I would bring this issue up. Around this same time she literally started going out and partying EVERY night of the week (albeit with her same group of friends). She had said that before this point she was pretty much miserable and down a lot, really stressed out and bothered by our issues, then she kinda 'snapped' and since then has been feeling better, more confident, etc... To me, it looks like she moved on. I don't know if it was via a new guy she's not mentioning, or just enjoying the attention from her group of guy-only friends...but she definitely did change in that time...I was glad that she seemed to get happier but it happened at the cost of closeness and any bit of understanding and compassion towards me.
dropdeadlegs Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 I may be wrong, but at least give this careful consideration. I think you do have expectations and are doing the "nice things" with one motive - to get her back. If you cannot accept that a reunion may never happen I would not suggest living with her as it will likely hurt you and make you feel used by her, even though she insists she is being honest. Whether she is stringing you on enough to pursue her own agenda can't really be known. What you have done in getting her the internship is keeping her closely tied to you. That is kind of controlling if you see it the way I am seeing it all. When we do nice things with no expectations other than some common courtesy, that's great, but I think your motives are muddied by your continued feelings for her. It's like giving a gift with no expectation of a gift in return. THAT is truly giving. I'm not sure you are capable of doing that with her when you still have deep feelings. I worry that this will cause a lot of resentment on the part of both of you. To me, I think she HAS stated her expectations and right now she doesn't expect to become a couple again. I can understand how the discussion of her loving you and the possibility of dating again would be driving you nuts, but she seems to be making it clear that she isn't ready for that just yet. She may never be, who really knows? Be careful. You have done a lot of wonderful things for her. Make sure your hopes are not expectations in reality. Good luck! Though I would not suggest this setup you have arranged and created, it looks like it will be taking place regardless, and I worry that you may both end up hurting further.
Author sockpuppet Posted May 19, 2007 Author Posted May 19, 2007 I didn't get her the internship to have her here and she knows it...She's new to the process and was very frustrated with her lack of options, and I made it clear I wanted to help her and didn't expect anything in return. I still don't. I had hoped it would have the added benefit of showing her I do care. I don't see having her live her as an ideal situation by any means...but from an "us" standpoint I'd rather have her here and see how things go in proximity than trying to hold on and restart things from 400 miles away. I just feel like I'm insane for having an issue with her being so affectionate if she's not willing to take it a step further at some point. I agree with your general message, and I see how it could all come across. We lived together for 3 months abroad, spending more time constantly together than we would in any real-life situation now, so I'm not worried about that element.
dropdeadlegs Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 I don't think you're insane for having your feelings at all. You want to get back to being a couple and that is pretty normal for many folks. I think if I were in your position that my heart would be in the right place, but more accurately that would involve two places. The one where I still care very much and want good things for her, and the one where I really want her back, too. It is hard to have no expectations of a reunion and I don't think I would be able to keep my romantic expectations to a minimum. I sure hope it all works out for you, though. I'm just very sure if we didn't reconcile I would be hurt, and probably resentful, even though my head would tell me it is unfair to resent her. My heart, on the other hand, would be shattered to pieces. Again, best wishes for a positive outcome.
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