lrae Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 My husband had an EA. 15 months later, here we are still trying to work our way through it. For both of us some days are great, many are good but some are awful. The one thing I was surprised by during our recovery is how we (as the betrayed spouse) also lose trust in ourselves. How could I have been so clueless? Was I too trusting? Should I have nagged more? I feel that not only do I have to second guess each of my husband's actions & comments but I also have to double check every knee jerk reaction and emotion that I feel. Does that sound familiar to anyone else??? When does the paranoia end?
Wibble Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 I have totally lost trust in myself and my instincts. How could I have got it so wrong for so long about someone? The trust of 2 decades turned out to be built on sand and now I am unable to trust to the slightest degree; the consequence is that I have conditioned myself not to care because the vulnerability that creates is too big a risk. I also don't know how I would react if someone started caring about me. I feel so emotionally vulnerable that I avoid situations that could lead to "complications". Either way round, my future looks like a lose/lose scenario. A life with a spouse I don't think I will EVER trust again, or a broken family and a lifetime of feeling guilty for spoiling your children's childhood? Those who cheat can never truly understand what it is they do.
capri Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 My husband had an EA. 15 months later, here we are still trying to work our way through it. For both of us some days are great, many are good but some are awful. The one thing I was surprised by during our recovery is how we (as the betrayed spouse) also lose trust in ourselves. How could I have been so clueless? Was I too trusting? Should I have nagged more? I feel that not only do I have to second guess each of my husband's actions & comments but I also have to double check every knee jerk reaction and emotion that I feel. Does that sound familiar to anyone else??? When does the paranoia end? Yes, I think I'm feeling all the same things. Add to that all the save-your-marriage-yourself type books which let me know all the things I did to drive him to someone else (never mind that I was actually doing 90+% of what the books advise and H was doing about 2% of it for me, and I didn't have a 'friend.') I look back at pictures from years ago, and our family pictures look entirely different to me now, knowing the lies that were being told to me that whole time.
Trialbyfire Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 Sounds like one of those nights for a few of us. It's like having double vision when viewing your spouse or ex-spouse. On the outside, they look just like the person you've always loved, on the inside, they're rotten to the core. Anyways...as for trusting your own instincts, all you can do is to try your best. If you think about it, how many times have you been fooled before? Oh? So you've made a few mistakes out of the thousands of people you've met? Think about it that way...
LakesideDream Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 Have you given any thought to why your husband needed to go outside the marriage for an emotional connection? I am largely skeptical of "EA's". I fail to see the "devistation" involved when a person has a friend to talk to, filling a need his or her spouse hasn't filled. I was married for 25 years, nearly all of them almost emotionless. I was never lucky enough to have a friend male or female I could trust my "feelings to". Men rarely "bare all" to male friends because of the ridicule and humiliation that can follow. Women have a great advantage as they begin discussing "private" matters with other females at an early age. What's worse? Having a friend (non sexual) who a person can share with or suffering in silence?
Author lrae Posted May 20, 2007 Author Posted May 20, 2007 Have you given any thought to why your husband needed to go outside the marriage for an emotional connection? Are you kidding me?? Not to flame you but, how can you even think to ask that? In my experience, we do nothing but wonder, why he needed to go outside of the marriage to find comfort, for years after the transgression. My point is when do I get to STOP thinking about WHY?? It cuts me to the core!! I am largely skeptical of "EA's". I fail to see the "devistation" involved when a person has a friend to talk to, filling a need his or her spouse hasn't filled. I was married for 25 years, nearly all of them almost emotionless. I was never lucky enough to have a friend male or female I could trust my "feelings to". Men rarely "bare all" to male friends because of the ridicule and humiliation that can follow. Women have a great advantage as they begin discussing "private" matters with other females at an early age. Unfortunately you still sound kinda emotionless. What's worse? Having a friend (non sexual) who a person can share with or suffering in silence? I think both are bad enough and that there is never room for a third person (whether physical or emotional) in a loving and committed relationship. Why does one have to be worse than the other? I think my H made a stupid, fatal and disastrous mistake. If it was support he needed, caring he needed, or to feel manly - where was the "head's up, I'm in trouble here"?? Cause I'm a fighter - I don't think there could be too many out there who would be better than myself to have in thier corner. We all deserve the chance to help! Unfortunately, I couldn't read his mind.
silktricks Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 I am largely skeptical of "EA's". I fail to see the "devistation" involved when a person has a friend to talk to, filling a need his or her spouse hasn't filled. Because it's NOT just a "friend" to talk to. It's have a connection with a woman who wanted my husband for a partner, not a "friend". It's talking about love. It's talking about connection to each other.
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