A Rough Vacation, a Hard Decision and an Even Harder Reality

[DeaconFrost]

So help me understand this one. I just broke up with my GF about a month ago. We decided that something wasn't working right with us and we're just not happy with the situation (I need more from her - time, affection, expression of love and emotion, initiative - she was backing away from me). We agreed to stay friends (first time I've EVER agreed to that) and that if the timing was right, we'd give it another shot. Throughout the month we've hung out a few times (dinner, drinks, a wedding) and talked a couple of times a week. Fast forward to now - I've realized that I'm real upset about the breakup because I felt like she forced me into ending the relationship. Apart from her, I came to 2 realizations:

 

1. I really love her for who she is, despite our differences
   
2. We never really worked together and compromised on anything I brought up to her and I never heard her side on anything - she just didn't share it.
   

 

I had dinner with her last weekend and laid my heart out on the table - told her that I miss her like hell; I don't care how long it takes for us to work it out, but I want to make it happen; I love her for who she is, etc. She told me all of the following:

 

1. No one has ever treated her as good as I have.
   
2. I am one of the very few people (friend, family or significant other) who cared about her for who she is and wanted to be with her for all of the right reasons. As such I am extremely important to her.
   
3. She's knows now that I really didn't do anything wrong in the relationship. I just loved her with I all I had and continuously went out of my way for her.
   
4. She knows that if we did work on it together it would be a fantastic relationship, but right now she's not ready for a serious relationship - It kind of terrifies her.
   
5. She's not happy with herself and her life and she needs to work that out first before she can take care of me.
   
6. She's needs to figure out why she changed her personality and shut herself down when things were getting serious with us, yet went back to normal when we split.
   
7. She's always been the girl that needed a boyfriend and she needs some time without a boyfriend (including a person to hook-up with) and just find herself.
   
8. If we got back together right now she'd screw it up again and risk losing me in her life altogether
   

.

 

Having said that, it's obvious we're not getting back together anytime soon - if ever. I'm really looking for some understanding here. If what she said about me and how I treated her is true, then why would she walk away from me and throw the relationship away instead of working on it? In a nutshell, this is also what is going on with her life:

 

1. Adjusting to her first job - very overwhelming and stressful for her
   
2. Family issues at home (alcoholism, depression, etc.)
   
3. She's getting kicked out of the house due to no fault of her own
   
4. Her best female friends have moved away; doesn't get to see them often
   
5. She has a history of verbal abuse from her family (she doesn't fully acknowledge that)
   
6. Has always said that she won't cry in front of me
   
7. Towards the end she told me several times that she's not a good girlfriend
   

 

Obviously, she's got intimacy issues, confidence issues and a bunch of stuff going on in her life. For all I know, I could be making excuses for her because we've all got some kind of issues and stuff going on in our lives. I'm kind of thinking to myself that she just doesn't want to be with me, which sucks. I hear from her about once a week now and I know she's out having fun and really enjoying herself. I can't tell if she was being honest or just stringing me along and saying all of that stuff just to be nice. It's not really in her to lie, but it is to let me down easily if that was the case. She reassured me that it really is not about me or how I treated her, but rather about her situation and the timing of everything.

 

Well, what do you guys think? Does this really happen or is it an excuse? Any input and relation to personal experiences would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

[norajane]

I had dinner with her last weekend and laid my heart out on the table - told her that I miss her like hell; I don't care how long it takes for us to work it out, but I want to make it happen; I love her for who she is, etc.

 

She told me all of the following:

What she told you does not in the least match what you told her. She didn't say anything about loving you. Whatever else is going on in her head and in her life, the bottom line is your feelings for each other don't match up.

 

If she needs to be without a boyfriend, then walk away and let her live life without a boyfriend. Seeing her as 'friends' and staying in touch isn't helping you at all and it's allowing her to keep you on the back burner.

 

I know she's out having fun and really enjoying herself.

This should tell you that whatever family issues she has, or whatever she's feeling about her friends moving away, yadda yadda, it's not preventing her from living well and enjoying her life. It's just you that doesn't fit into her life right now. So it's not about her 'issues'. It's about her feelings for you.

 

And I'm sorry...I know this is really hard to hear. It's better to face reality than to waste your love on someone who isn't able to accept it, though.

 

Good luck to you.

[DeaconFrost]

So, is she basically trying to let me down easy or is there an element of truth to what she is saying?

 

Every time I tried to put it back on myself or ask questions about other people she would continuously say, "you're looking too far into it...it has nothing to do with you and how you treated me. Its about where I'm at in my life."

 

You're right though. She didn't say anything at all about loving me...

[confucious]

Hey Deacon -

 

I feel for you as I think you are in a situation silmiliar to one I was recently in. One of the biggest red flags is:

 

"We never really worked together and compromised on anything I brought up to her and I never heard her side on anything - she just didn't share it. "

 

1. This could mean she cannot connect well emotionally.
   
2. She is narcissistic and doesn't admit to anything being her fault, ever.
   
3. That she doesn't care enough about you to listen and put forth an effort.
   
4. basically - It NEVER means anything good.

I spent months and months trying to make things work with a woman who did just this to me. I am extraordinarily communicative, and yet I COULDN'T resolve anything with her...she just wasn't there. What kept me befuddled was that she would tell me how much she loved me, how great she thought I was etc. and yet she didn't act that way all the time.

When we finally broke up she said, as one of her final parting words "I'll never find a better boyfriend". I say all this to point out that while she cared for me, there was no true love there. Perhaps I was convenient, perhaps I made her feel good about herself, but in the end it wasn't "I will never love someone more than I love you"...it was a matter of how I performed as a boyfriend. When I pushed her to ACT affectionatley rather than just writing it in emails, or saying it, things fell apart.

Bottom line, she didn't love me like I loved her. Period. It was NEVER going to work because she wasn't there, it wasn't mutual. She didn't want to bother to communicate because it takes effort.

I use this as an example of what NoraJane was talking about -emotional imbalance in a relationship.

 

Perhpas you should give her time - more than she wants/needs, just leave completely and move on with your life. Trick is, you have to do it knowing she will not contact you...if you do it hoping it will make her realize what she's lost, than YOU'VE lost.

 

Best of luck, Deacon.

[LakesideDream]

DeaconFrost, you answer is in her answer #7. She wants time to "find herself". Nine times out of ten this is female code for she wants to "find herself" a man who rocks her world, or has already found one and in pursuit.

 

You are a "nice guy" and a good back up. Exit gracefully, you were never in the game.

[norajane]

So, is she basically trying to let me down easy or is there an element of truth to what she is saying?

 

Maybe it's her way of letting you down easy instead of just coming out and saying, "I don't love you".

 

Every time I tried to put it back on myself or ask questions about other people she would continuously say, "you're looking too far into it...it has nothing to do with you and how you treated me. Its about where I'm at in my life."

 

She's right - it has nothing to do with how you treated her because it's not you, it's HER. Her feelings for you aren't there. You can read all over this board how women are with men who treat them like crap and they still love them and want to make things work...this girl just doesn't feel that way about you.

 

I'm sure she cares about you and she obviously can see that you're a good person. But no amount of goodness and caring is going to 'make' her love you. It's just not there for her.

 

You're right though. She didn't say anything at all about loving me...

 

That's all you really need to know, isn't it?

[frannie]

My impression from what you've written is that she's being honest with you about how she feels. With a history of alcoholism and verbal abuse at home, it seems likely that she has intimacy issues.

 

Have you tried looking up 'commitment phobia'..? It's not unusual that people run a mile from what others would consider to be a perfect situation... because a perfect situation looks scary to them.

 

From what she told you at dinner, she understands herself quite well, even if she doesn't see a way out of her feelings/reactions. The fact she's off out enjoying herself when she's 'free' in her mind doesn't surprise me at all.

 

If I were you I'd take her at her word and chalk it up to experience, if possible. Best of luck.