and angry

[Guest]

Why do mm seem to give out mixed messages?

Are they genuinely confused or do they enjoy keeping us hooked by playing stupid little games without any regard for the effect it might have on the OW's mind.

 

Our affair sort of fizzled out when his wife got very suspicious and expected him to be home when she was (he took early retirement). He used to say he was late night shopping when he saw me but she put an end to it. Instead of telling me that he thought we should call it a day, he abruptly stopped calling me and fobbed me off when I called him. He evaded my questions and would not say it was over. That was the most hurtful thing. I was desperate to talk to him but he just wouldn't give me the chance. I began to sound like a broken record and he avoided taking my calls, so I stopped calling and backed off completely.

 

For 3 months there was NC, and then he came to meet a male friend at a bar near my work. Someone told me he was there.

But he hadn't phoned me to ask me out for a drink.

 

The next week he is having a coffee in the cafe that he knows I go to.

What the hell is he playing at?

Then he is in the parking lot and as I am about to get in the car, he comes up and asks how I am. I am nervous but also vey annoyed at his behaviour.

I read somewhere on this forum that he is probably looking for attention, missing his fix, things are easier at home. It took all my strength to be civil but short with him. There was no apology from him and now HE wants to talk so I am meant to be grateful and fall in with his plans. He asked what I was doing the next day and I said I was busy at work and then I left.

 

The next 2 weeks he has been in the bar and cafe again but I have avoided going in. My friend said he has been in the bar after work 3 times.

 

Then this week he has stopped coming and now I find myself searching for him. I wish that I had gone into the cafe when he was there and made him talk to me. God, I need my head tested. Why did he stop coming? Do you think I have blown it and he has decided that I am not interested in him so he has given up?

Or is he playing mind games? He hasn't tried phoning all this time but wants to bump into me.

I AM A MESS and I know it isn't healthy.

 

I just need someone to help me make sense of all this.

[whichwayisup]

Go read forbiddenfruits more recent thread, maybe you'll see what you're up against if you don't let the MM go and move on with your life.

 

Do you want to be the OW in his life? Or are you looking for him to divorce his wife and be with you? What is it that you want from him?

 

Think long term, not in the heat of the moment, stolen bits of time you'll have with him....Don't you think you'd be better off finding a single man who can offer you ALL of him, instead of just a small piece? Anyway, I hope you take the time to read up more threads in this section and also, go read some threads in the infidelity section so you can 'see' the other side, the betrayed spouses and their pain, how families get torn apart by a cheating spouse. Are you sure you want to help him ruin his marriage by being his partner in crime?

 

The choice is yours, so I hope for your sake you listen to your head and not your heart.

[whichwayisup]

And, as for your MM, I think he enjoys knowing he can 'have' you whenever HE feels like it. If you allow him to treat you like crap, that is what he'll continue to do. HE is in control, not you. He will see you when HE feels like it on HIS terms, not yours. Get used that if you plan on staying the OW.

 

If he was genuinally unhappy in his marriage he'd be doing something about it not seeking out attention from you and using you to make himself and his ego feel better. He IS playing games with you because he knows how to push your buttons. Don't let him! Take control of your life and tell him goodbye. You deserve more than this and you'll never get what you want from him because he has a wife.

[Seen_It_All]

Guest - what have you 'blown?' The wonderful opportunity of an occasional sneaked phone call to you while his wife is in the shower? Maybe once a month he might stop by for a rolicking 12 minutes on his way to the store so he can have a quickie with you? H*ell, I'll bet you see more of your postman that you would of this guy. It's utterly pointless to pursue this guy.

 

Seriously, what exactly have you blown?

 

He's taken early retirement and his wife knows of his past skuzzy behavior - now he's on a very short leash and will not likely get off it anytime soon. So why sign up for that misery? Again, it's pointless.

 

You ask why he didn't come to you like a MAN and tell you it was over? Quite simply, it's because he's NOT a man. He's a lying sneak who doesn't have the sack to step up to the plate to his wife or to you, and be honest and forthright. He's a coward, pure and simple. And he's now acting like a little sissy 12 year old, showing up at places he knows you might be. This guy seriously needs to grow the he*ll up.

 

I can't even imagine sinking low enough to give this loser the time of day.

[norajane]

Hmm, sounds like he dropped you when his wife got suspicious and put him on the short leash. Now that some time has passed, it's likely her suspicions have eased and maybe he's allowed a longer leash...he's appearing at coffee shops and bars.

 

I don't think it's surprising at all, nor do I think it's mixed messages. He's going only as far as he thinks he can get away with.

 

It's up to you if you want to be yanked around by his leash, too.

[lonelybird]

You need to stop torturing yourself, the whole thing just not worth it

[Trimmer]

Remember that he has created for himself a life that is based on deception to maintain its stability. When creating and maintaining a complex deception, no one can do it perfectly - one can't help but give out mixed messages. This is how spouses get suspicious, for example.

 

Do you think that you, as his OW, are immune from that? That with you he is perfectly straight, honest, and open, even as he maintains this deception with his wife? I'm betting probably not, as shown by the "mixed messages" you are getting, and the confusion you feel.

 

You are only one of the balls he is juggling, and juggle you he will. Will you ever be sure whether you are getting the straight story from him? And given the fundamental fact of this deep deception being a condition - the foundation, really - of your relationship, are you surprised?

[dignityback]

He is a pathetic cowardly individual.

He doesn't phone you because all he has to say is that he wants to continue the affair with you being his side dish. Oh and when things get rough at home you won't mind if he drops you for a while until settle down--oh and he might forget to tell you that he is cooling things but still you don't mind do you. He doesn't have any respect or regard for anyone imo.

 

It is time to stand up to this waste of space.

I think like the other posters, that he has been behaving himself at home for long enough so he comes looking for you thinking you will fall back into his arms. When that isn't happening and you blow him off in the car park, he soon gives up because he has nothing to offer you, and why waste his time with you when you have become difficult.

 

I hate to say this but he is probably looking for another OW as he is clearly unhappy at home. I bet he promised his wife he wasn't having an affair when she got suspicious. Then he is back looking for you--what does that say about his character?

 

I am glad he has stopped looking for you as you are better off without him.

If he wanted a future with you, he would be acting like a man and calling you asking to meet you on neutral territory as he has something to tell you. But instead he is sneaking around like a stalking pervert.

Sorry but I wouldn't spit on him if he was on fire.

[frannie]

The next 2 weeks he has been in the bar and cafe again but I have avoided going in. My friend said he has been in the bar after work 3 times.

 

Then this week he has stopped coming and now I find myself searching for him. I wish that I had gone into the cafe when he was there and made him talk to me. God, I need my head tested. Why did he stop coming? Do you think I have blown it and he has decided that I am not interested in him so he has given up?

Or is he playing mind games? He hasn't tried phoning all this time but wants to bump into me.

I AM A MESS and I know it isn't healthy.

 

I just need someone to help me make sense of all this.

 

Well my thoughts are these: he's not great at communication (or chooses not to be), doesn't want to explain himself (based on how he ended it), and therefore neither will he want to phone or have a decent discussion with you now he (seems to) wants to start it again with you. So you can't expect him to be straightforward in that sense.

 

Having said that it seems fairly clear that he's happy to try to bump into you (now that wife isn't following his every move) and see what can occur from a 'chance' meeting with you.

 

From what you write here (your feelings of having 'blown it') it seems he's pretty well right about your continued interest in him. All he has to do is make the opportunity for contact... make you feel just a tiny bit secure about the whole deal again and it's 'game on'.

 

I'm not going to say it's a good or a bad plan for you to do that. It's all up to you... do you want to be involved with him again on the terms as they stand? i.e. DO you want an affair with him..?